Wednesday, November 21, 2012

More Tuesday Therapy (even though it's Wednesday now)

Where were we? Oh yes, I had given Freud the Cliffs Notes version of “The Not So Great Love Story of J & TS.” So there I sat, damp tissues in my hand, in the waste basket, and just about everywhere. I imagine I was quite the sight. At least there is one benefit to never wearing makeup – no oddly colored streaks on your face.

I assumed Freud would immediately tell me how awful J is for me, that I need to find a way to extricate myself from him. Nope. Freud’s focus, and I agree it is a good place to start, was to help me determine what it is that I get from the relationship with J. What hole am I trying to fill with this relationship, and are there other healthier ways to fill that hole? (I just reread what I wrote there, and I swear, if any of you are smirking at that last sentence I will personally reach through your computer and throttle you.)

Freud even pointed out some of the benefits that I mentioned through my narrative. Number One was FUN. J and I have a playful banter that occurs almost constantly when we are together. We revel in the verbal parry and jab. We laugh, or at least smile, a lot when we’re together. We always have, both 30 years ago and today. Even when my emotions get the best of me, we still maintain that banter. Is my relationship with J the only way I can have this lighthearted playful time? Are there other ways to fill that void?

Then there’s connection and history. J and I have a lot of shared history. We know each other so very well. We know the good, the bad, and the ugly, and we’re still willing to talk to each other. There is something of a comfort there, a soft place to land, sort of. Are there other places I can find comfort? Are there other soft places to land in the world for me?

Freud pointed out that you don’t hang onto a relationship if you aren’t getting something from it that is feeding you. If you can find a healthier place to feed, then it makes it easier to let go of the less healthy place.

Unfortunately, we ran out of time at that point. I was far from ready to quit. I had myself so churned up that my stomach hurt. Yet there we were, at the end of the session.

Before parting, Freud asked if we’d decided a place to have Thanksgiving dinner. (I shared with him in our previous session that I had announced to W and N that I would not be cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year, and that they are welcome to cook for us or take me out. They chose to take me out.) I told him yes, we decided on Cracker Barrel. So there you are. We’ll be the party of three, sitting at the corner table, looking morose, eating our turkey and dressing and being thankful for… yeah, I need to think on that one…

The post script to this one is that later that night, when it was very late and I was very much not sleeping and still pretty worked up, I texted my pastor asking if I could meet with her this week. Very early the next morning, when it was far too early to be up but she has a less than one year old daughter who kindly wakes her in the wee hours, she texted back to set up an appointment for that very day. Therefore, my next post will be about my session with my pastor where I continue to pine away for the person I can’t quite have, and where for the first time in my life I confess to my adultery to a member of the clergy.

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