Thursday, November 01, 2012

Spin Cycle

What does it look like to spin slowly out of control, watching yourself as though all is traveling in slow motion?  It looks exactly like what I am doing. 

It is the darnedest thing.  Here I am, spiralling downward, watching myself spiralling downward, wanting to save myself from spiraling downward, but also wanting to just keep going anyway, keep heading in this same direction, keep on heading toward what surely must be disaster. 

Yet there is this part of me that just keeps saying to myself that if I could just get J and I to work as a couple, as a relationship, as US, that all would be well and good.  I know that isn't true and yet I just want to believe it soooooooooo badly.

How many times in life do I say "If only [X] then [Y]" to be proven wrong time after time?

If only I lost weight, I would be happy.
Nope.  Didn't improve my outlook at all.  As a matter of fact I suffered my worst bout of depression when I was at my lowest weight in years.  No correlation between weight and happiness.

If only I had a different job, my attitude would be better.
Nope.  The job doesn't matter.  The attitude comes from within not from outside.

If only J and I were together, everything would be great.
Nope.  I am quite certain that if J and I were together things would be good sometimes and bad sometimes. Sometimes I would be happier than now, sometimes sadder.

What it all comes down to is that I just spend much to much of my time wanting what I cannot have and do not need.  I need to buck up and accept what I have and let go of what I don't and just let things be what they are.  And by golly, right now I am fighting that every step of the way.  I am my own worst enemy.

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