Weekend With W, Part I

Sometimes posts are easy to write. The words just flow out of me.

Sometimes posts are difficult to write for various reasons. Sometimes it is because of my confusion over my feelings. Sometimes it is because I can't find the words to express the feelings. Right now it is because I am struggling with my feelings, struggling to figure out what I need to do based on my feelings.

Let's just start with the weekend with W. He arrived Thursday night. As I suspected he would he got lost on the way to my rental house. Granted he hasn't been here a lot, but he has been here 3 other times, one for a whole week for goodness sake. It isn't that hard to find. Really, it isn't. But like the good traffic controller I talked him in after he lost his way, and he only took one wrong turn while I tried to direct him in. I suppose some would find this an endearing quality. I try to take it with good humor.

Friday started on a bad note. Rather than rolling over and going back to sleep, he got up when I did, getting in my way while I got ready for work. I suppose this wouldn't have been such a big deal in a larger place, but really there isn't much room here to move around. So I got a bit annoyed. Later, he tried 9 times, yes NINE, to call me at my desk at work within one hour. I was at another person's desk for training all morning. Not once did he try my cell phone. If he had I would have answered and could have answered his questions regarding the paint colors for the bedrooms. Turns out he didn't need that information until the afternoon anyway so I met him for lunch to help him make sure he gave the painter the right information. I wrote it all down so there should be no misunderstandings. The rest of the day was okay, and that evening while W dozed in front of the TV I chatted on Yahoo with BJ.

Saturday was the day that gave me the most trouble in some ways. W and I got along really well on Saturday. We both slept in until 10:00, a luxury I rarely get. Then we got up and at a leisurely pace dressed and went out for breakfast. After breakfast we went over to the new house. We measured the windows that are in need of in curtains or blinds. We looked at the backyard with an eye for fencing more of it for the dog than the tiny dog run that it has now. We talked some about furniture placement. We then went shopping. We bought some valances, some blinds, some bathroom accessories for N's bathroom, and lots of switchplates and outlet covers to replace the ones that have had paint slopped all over them from prior bad paint jobs. Afterwards, we were tired and hot and went and had iced tea. We looked through our to do list, made notes of what still needs to be done at some point and decided to go to Sears to look at washers and dryers. An hour and $2,000 later we had a new washer and dryer and were ready for dinner. We went out for dinner. Over dinner we talked about how this had been the best day we'd spent together in a long time. He reached for my hand across the table, and I didn't pull away. Saturday I got one of those increasingly rare glimpses of the man I fell in love with more than 20 years ago.

Hmm, this is getting long. I think I'll tackle Sunday and my analysis of the situation in a Part II post. After all, everybody loves a cliffhanger. . .

The Paradox of Our Age

This was sent to me attributed, incorrectly, to George Carlin. Checking on Snopes.com I found that it was actually written by Dr. Bob Moorehead. BTW, whenever you get an email that has made its way around the internet faster than a loose cheerleader through the football team, you should probably check it out on Snopes. It's amazing how inaccurate things on the internet can be. (Oh yes, I know you're all out there gasping, but it's true.)

Without further ado, the essay:

The Paradox of Our Age

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints; we spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less; we have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, yet less time; we have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge but less judgement; more experts, yet more problems; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness; we take more vitamins but see fewer results. We drink too much; smoke too much; spend too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get too angry quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too seldom; watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we fly in faster planes to arrive there quicker, to do less and return sooner; we sign more contracts only to realize fewer profits; we talk too much; love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less; we make faster planes, but longer lines; we learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more weapons, but less peace; higher incomes, but lower morals; more parties, but less fun; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort, but less success. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; drive smaller cars that have bigger problems; build larger factories that produce less. We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, but short character; steep in profits, but shallow relationships. These are times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; higher postage, but slower mail; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorces; these are times of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, cartridge living, thow-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies and pills that do everything from cheer, to prevent, quiet or kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stock room. Indeed, these are the times!

Not Enough Time for a Real Post

W is here in LNJ for the weekend instead of me going to LOH. N is with my parents for the weekend. Therefore, I've not got the time or privacy for a real post so this will have to do. I will post on the whole weekend with W thing next week, or maybe as early as Sunday. Anyway instead of a real post here are a couple more quiz results to give you a little better insight into my true self, as it were. Enjoy.

I may have recently had a birthday (thanks for the e-cards to those who sent them), but you'd never know it from the results of this quiz. Talk about being caught in a time warp. . .

How Old is Your Inner Child?

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while adults might just accept that, I know something's gotta change. And it's gonna change, just as soon as I become an adult and get some power of my own.
Take this quiz!








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Then I took a quiz at Kingdomality Personal Preference Profile to find out what Medieval vocation I would have. Turns out I'm a Shepherd.

Here's the Shepherd description:
Your distinct personality, The Shepherd is to tend to your human flock. You understand the needs of those for whom you are responsible. Shepherds are vigilant and reliable. You realize your obligation and commitment to the well being of those entrusted to your care. Shepherds are very dependable. You engender a feeling of comfort and stability to those within your charge. On the positive side, Shepherds can be empathic, caring, understanding, practical and realistic. On the negative side, you may be manipulative, close-minded and sentimentally rigid. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Oh Crap

Today's Horoscope:

You really don't like being caught off guard, but today you might have to respond quickly to a new feeling that arises quite suddenly. You won't be able to blame anyone else, as this is probably a result of your own urges erupting from the hidden depths of your unconscious mind. Don't withdraw; take any opportunity to break through whatever you have been avoiding.

I should really just stop reading these. This one certainly didn't give me a cheery start for the day.

But on a cheerier note, this deals with a serious subject but in such a fun way. Enjoy!

This One is for My Musician Friends

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest -- and closes the bar.

No, I didn't come up with this, but I read it somewhere and just had to share it. My apologies to my non-musical readers who don't "get it."

How Could They Tell So Much From So Little?

Trueself took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from s..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Never Thought I'd Be Quoting Lee Iacocca

But hey, I'm reading the guy's new book, Where Have All the Leaders Gone?, and I like it. I like it a lot. To read an excerpt from it CLICK HERE.

One of my favorite quotes from the book so far:

A leader has to be a person of CHARACTER. That means knowing the difference between right and wrong and having the guts to do the right thing. Abraham Lincoln once said, "If you want to test a man's character, give him power." George Bush has a lot of power. What does it say about his character? Bush has shown a willingness to take bold action on the world stage because he has the power, but he shows little regard for the grievous consequences. He has sent our troops (not to mention hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi citizens) to their deaths—for what? To build our oil reserves? To avenge his daddy because Saddam Hussein once tried to have him killed? To show his daddy he's tougher? The motivations behind the war in Iraq are questionable, and the execution of the war has been a disaster. A man of character does not ask a single soldier to die for a failed policy.

Oops, there I go showing my political leanings again.

I hate feeling this way.

I hate waiting for him to email/call/text/IM/communicate in any way.
I hate that I wait for him.
I hate that I miss him so much that I try to structure my life around when I think he might call.
I hate that I live my life around other people’s schedules and that they don’t appear to live around mine.
I hate that I have to be at home and off the phone and available to talk whenever the other he calls.
I hate that I choose to have no life beyond waiting for other people.
I hate that I feel like I must justify every time I am unavailable when people beckon me.
I hate that I have given my own life away like that.
I hate that I am unhappy when I try to break free of that.
I hate that I am not independent enough to say “Screw you. I’m here when I’m here and not when I’m not. I’m not at your beck and call” and be comfortable taking that position.
I hate that I am not a stronger person.
I hate that my life revolves around pleasing men whether that man is W or my little man, N, or BJ.

Okay, so I’m hating certain choices I’m making in my life. So now what am I going to do about it?

And is it so awfully wrong to want someone somewhere to make a “grand gesture” towards me? To show me that I am absolutely #1 in their life?

God, how pathetically needy of me. . .

New mantra: Grow up. Grow up. Grow up. Grow up.

Baring My Soul

You scored as A Slave To BDSM. Admit it, you like being tied up and being told you've been very naughty. You like teasing your partner and making them squirm, and not letting them be able to do anything about it. Some people think what you do is sick and disgusting, but you know it's all in good fun. A Slave To BDSM 85% Sex God 80% A Romantic 53% Virgin 28% How are you in bed created with QuizFarm.com

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell!

What Drug Is Your Personality Like?

Accepting Friendship Where It Comes

If you had asked me a year ago if J and I could be friends, and if I would have been happy with that level of a relationship with him I would have answered with an emphatic “No!” I would have sworn up and down that I wanted him for more than a friend, much more, and would never settle for “just a friendship.” My, my, how things change.

A few nights ago J and I talked on the phone for almost an hour. Not only that, I was the one who called him (take that, phone phobia!) which surprised even me. I was feeling the need to talk partly due to being unsettled in the whole W BJ relationship triangle thing and partly due to being unsettled by finding out a friend on the other side of the country died late last week. I would’ve happily called BJ, but he isn’t always easily accessible to me due to life’s circumstances. Besides, he’s probably tired of hearing all my crap about my inability to leave W. So I called J.

We commiserated with one another. His divorce became final not too long ago. He’s out of his mom’s house but not happy with where he’s living. He continues to have trouble with ex-wife #1 due to the children they have between them. T is causing him grief because now that they’re divorced she wants to be friends. He wants them to be so much more than that so it hurts him more than if she just disappeared from the picture altogether. I shared my situation as it stands – the being with one man but wanting a different one. He encouraged me to make the break with W.

Not only did we commiserate, but we shared other bits and pieces of our lives. He told me what I thought was a hilariously funny tale about him hitting a deer (no, I know hitting a deer is no laughing matter, but he wasn’t hurt and the way he told the story was just too dang funny) and how he ended up with two big german shepherds on the hood of his car licking the deer remains off his windshield. J is a big goof and tells stories with a certain flare that just makes me laugh and laugh.

Friendship with J? Thank goodness I came to my senses and let this relationship settle into what it has become. I really love the guy. I just don’t LOVE him.

Post Script:
I can visualize the two of us, J and me, living in the same nursing home when we’re in our 90s, punching each other on the arm as we tease each other the way we always have, and arguing Cubs vs. Cardinals, and lamenting the latest in Illini basketball or football misfortunes. I can also visualize us sneaking into each others rooms at nights and curling up together, reminiscing long into the night about days gone by. Not a bad way to spend your twilight years, with a good friend.

What is with my Horoscope These Days?

Today's entry:

You know what you want now, but others may not fully understand your needs. Part of the problem is that words may not come as easily to you as emotions, so it's challenging to put your feelings into language. Work with whatever comes to the surface. Don't push the process or you will only get in your own way. Your patience will produce the best outcome.

Let's Do the Time Warp

Having seen a couple of these posts around I started working on my post of the soundtrack of my life. Whew! What a chore, but a chore I thoroughly enjoyed. I've probably worked on this post off and on for about two weeks now trying to get it right. Music has been and continues to be a huge part of my life. I love music and always have. Music was always around as I was growing up, probably because Mom was a music teacher. I can't remember far enough back to remember not being able to play the piano because Mom started teaching me when I was only three because she got tired of me just pounding on the keys. Anyway, all of this to say that this post could probably include 100 more songs, but I had to stop somewhere. Believe it or not each and every one of the following songs represents something very important to me.

The first song I remember singing is this one, when I was really young, preschool age I know. Mom and another man were rehearsing for a performance in church. She was his accompanist as he sang You'll Never Walk Alone. I was enthralled with the song (and I remember being enthralled with the gorgeous voice the man had) and begged Mom to play it so I could sing it. So she did, many times, over and over, probably until she was sick of it.

Also, when I was little the Beatles were the big thing musically, even having their own Saturday morning cartoon. I remember Help! and A Hard Day's Night being my favorite Beatle songs then. I spent a lot of time then contemplating how a person could have a hard day's night. In case you don't remember the old Beatle cartoons (or, gasp, you're too young to have seen them) you can see one here.

Moving on to grade school, I spent a lot of the time riding the bus to and from school. The bus driver always kept the radio tuned to WLS which at that time played the top 40 hits. It was also during grade school that I got my first transistor radio which I also kept constantly on WLS. If you don't check out any of the other songs I've included here you've got to watch and listen to this one. When this song first came out I was too young to really understand it, but I liked it even then. Once I was older and understood it better I liked it even more. I heard it a lot on WLS.


Of course what young girl's childhood would have been complete without the Partridge Family? I particularly liked I Woke Up in Love This Morning. I really liked David Cassidy's hair, but I had a huge crush on Danny Bonaduce. I always did like the bad boys.

Junior high makes me think of Seasons in the Sun. That and Billy Don't Be a Hero, but I couldn't find a decent version of that one to link to. As you can probably tell by these choices, I was quite the angst-ridden pre-adolescent.

Then came high school. The late '70s with disco and bell bottoms and platform shoes and Farrah Fawcett hair and the biggest afros on people of all skintones. I will always remember David Soul singing Don't Give Up on Us Baby because that was the song playing when Jeff and I first started dating. Of course, what would that era have been without Abba singing Dancing Queen? I danced to that one many times. Bohemian Rhapsody always reminds me of my boyfriend Bob because he loved Queen and playing their music on the piano. He also played a lot of Elton John, but I don't remember him ever playing my favorite, Don't Go Breaking My Heart.

I spent a lot of time in high school sitting in my room reading, studying, listening to the radio, not WLS, but some other top 40 station where we had moved. Cats in the Cradle always reminds me of those Saturday afternoons sitting alone in my pink (VERY PINK) bedroom with the pink shag carpeting. Another song that evokes strong memories is Time Warp from The Rocky Horror Picture show. I went to see it at a midnight showing at the Varsity Theater in St. Louis with a group of classmates when we were in St. Louis for a high school journalism convention. Our teacher went with us to make sure we stayed out of trouble. Words cannot describe the look on his face when a joint was passed down our row in the theater. Unfortunately It was being passed from his end of the row so he refused it and wouldn't let us have it either.

When I graduated from high school I used most of the money I got for graduation presents and bought myself a stereo complete with an 8-track tape player. I was so proud of my purchase. The very first tape I bought was one by Rex Smith that included You Take My Breath Away. I had heard the song on a TV movie and was totalled enthralled with it and with him.

Away I went to college, 8-track tape player in tow, where I listened to the likes of My Sharona by the Knack, I Love Rock 'n' Roll by Joan Jett and the Black Hearts and Hold Me by Fleetwood Mac. How's that for an interesting cross section of early 80s music? Yes, it was also during college that I became an avid Dan Fogelberg fan, but I've posted so much of his music already I'll leave that one alone for this post.

After college, I found the joys of LPs again as 8-tracks became scarcer and scarcer. Two of my favorite LPs were the one from Lionel Richie with Dancing on the Ceiling on it and the one from Chicago with You're the Inspiration on it. Both those songs remind me of a particular guy from my Texas days.

After moving to California I remember hearing We Built This City a bazillion times on the radio when we lived in LA. It always makes me think of our little apartment on Wilshire out by Century City. The other song I remember strongly from this era is That's What Friends Are For. It was the first song I heard after learning of the Challenger disaster so it has always brought back memories of that tragedy for me.

Sadly enough, that pretty much ends the soundtrack of my life. After that, I moved away from music and got caught up more in TV, and talk radio, and the internet. So I'm afraid my music is kind of stuck in a time warp, but that is the music that defines me, that evokes strong memories and feelings in me.

Whew! I'm glad I finally finished this post. Whew!

Oh My

Today's horoscope:

Family loyalties may come to the forefront of your life now, motivating you to make a difficult choice. Circumstances might require you to become an anchor for others at this time. Your direct actions should be based on deep convictions, for they will have the most important consequences, especially in an intimate relationship.

Aack.

I Don't Know That Anything Here Surprises Me

Sometimes it seems to me studies are done just to prove the obvious. Reading the following yesterday I was struck that I am pretty much on board with the "norm." While I believe that a commitment does mean no cheating, I have and am continuing to do so and find ways of justifying it to myself. If you don't want to read the whole article just skip down and read the part in purple.

Cheating hearts: Who's doing it and why
MSNBC.com/iVillage survey shows fidelity can be a tough promise to keep
By Jane Weaver
Health editor
MSNBC
Updated: 10:37 a.m. CT April 16, 2007

For most people in relationships, a commitment means no playing around, ever. That doesn't mean there aren't plenty of love rats out there.

About one in five adults in monogamous relationships, or 22 percent, have cheated on their current partner. The rate is even higher among married men. And nearly half of people admit to being unfaithful at some point in their lives, according to the results of the MSNBC.com/iVillage Lust, Love & Loyalty survey.

More than 70,000 adults completed the online reader survey in February, answering about 30 questions that revealed their intimate feelings about adultery and what makes them stray or stay faithful.

About three-quarters of the survey takers say they've made a monogamous commitment, with a majority either married or remarried. But a significant portion found it easier to make that promise than keep it.

Spending years together, exchanging wedding rings, even having children doesn’t inoculate a couple against cheating. In fact, married folks with kids — including women with very young children — are nearly as likely to commit adultery as childless couples.

The bright side is, while many of us are tempted by the fruit of another, it seems we fear cheating more than we need.

We're bombarded with images of infidelity in popular culture and the news, so it's no surprise we think it's a world of callous cads and desperate housewives.

Survey takers guessed that twice as many people are having extramarital affairs as really are, estimating that 44 percent of married men and 36 percent of married women are unfaithful. The reality is it's not as rampant as we think, with 28 percent of married men and 18 percent of married women admitting to having a sexual liaison, the survey found.


"We think everybody is out there doing it," says Janet Lever, a sociologist at California State University, Los Angeles, and the study's lead researcher. "Well, they're not."

In fact, the rate of cheating has stayed pretty consistent, according to research expert Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey for the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

Smith conducted the highly respected study “American Sexual Behavior,” a poll of 10,000 people over two decades. The study found that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women have cheated at least once — similar to the results from the MSNBC.com/iVillage survey.

Still, much of this depends on your definition of cheating. Nearly everybody considers sexual intercourse or oral sex to be cheating, but there are some other behaviors that fall into grayer areas.

Nearly 20 percent of survey takers in committed relationships have romantically kissed someone else, a breach that 83 percent of people consider to be cheating. And 15 percent of men (though only 7 percent of women) have engaged in online sex or sexual Webcamming, which 66 percent of people consider to be cheating.

Blind to the affair
Ironically, while we tend to overestimate cheating in society, we are often blind to it in our own lives. If your partner is cheating, chances are, you have no idea.

Six in 10 cheaters believe they totally got away with their affair and another one in 10 felt their partner was suspicious, but never found out for sure. Few cheaters — only 2 percent — were busted in the act. And even when confronted with a partner's suspicions, only 6 percent of both men and women confessed to having an affair.

"It is surprising that the wives and husbands and girlfriends aren't more suspicious," says Lever. "Even when they know something's amiss — a sex life that's fizzled or intimacy waning — they count on their partner's love to keep them from straying."

Philanderers are so inscrutable partly because there’s no single profile for a cheater.

The survey did find some common scenarios, however. Cheating tends to happen well into the relationship — especially in the three- to five-year zone — by a man who is dissatisfied with his sex life or a woman who feels emotionally deprived. The new lover is most often a friend or co-worker, and the typical fling lasts less than a week.

"It can be the 30-year-old guy who's been cohabiting for six years with his girlfriend, or the 45-year old guy who has seemed happily married for 15 years, or, perhaps most surprising, it's the young mom who seems totally wrapped up with her infant and toddler," says Lever.


Indeed, having kids is no deterrent. According to the survey, 15 percent of women and 16 percent of men with children ages 2 to 5 years had an affair. An unexpected 7 percent of women and 9 percent of men cheated while there was a baby under the age of 2 in the home.


It also appears that money doesn’t buy marital happiness. For men with money, infidelity is just another perk. Among men making more than $300,000 a year, 32 percent report cheating, compared to 21 percent of men making less than $35,000 a year. Wealth isn't much of a factor in women's cheating.

“Wealthy men may simply have more dating opportunities than men with less income,” says David Frederick, a psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, who helped analyze the survey findings.

'I like variety'
What drives people to cheat? Boredom? The thrill of the forbidden?

Many thrive on the excitement they get from a fling (30 percent overall), but men and women are generally prowling for different things. Men want more sex (44 percent), more satisfying sex (38 percent) and variety (40 percent), findings that closely resemble the 2006 MSNBC.com/Elle magazine survey on monogamy.

“Mostly I’ve cheated because of the excitement,” writes a 38-year-old man who took the survey. “I like variety and a more wild sex life than I’ve been able to enjoy with relationship partners."

Women's motives range from the need for more emotional attention (40 percent) to being reassured of their desirability (33 percent) or falling in love with someone else (20 percent).

While women tend to cheat once, guys of all ages are twice as likely to be serial offenders.

“Men are more likely to look for sexual novelty. They might be looking for a sexual outlet without the expectation of continuity,” says Sandra Leiblum, director of the Center for Sexual and Relational Health at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in Piscataway, N.J., who was not involved in the survey. “And once you satisfy the itch, it recurs.”

A gender split between sexual and emotional drivers can also be seen in attitudes toward wandering partners. Women say they would be more upset if their partner fell in love with someone else than if their partner had sex with that person (65 percent, compared to 47 percent of men), but men say they’d be more distressed by their partner having a sexual affair than falling in love (53 percent, compared to 35 percent of women).

“Men are more threatened sexually by the sense of competition and comparison; women are more threatened by the loss of the emotional intimacy,” says Leiblum. “Whenever there is an affair there’s a sense of competitiveness with the third party. Men see it as a comment on their sexual competency and masculinity, whereas for women it’s not the sex, it’s the meaning of having the emotional bond with someone else.”

It's not all about mushiness for ladies — one in five who cheated said they were looking for more satisfying sex than they were getting from their primary partner.

“I was miserable in my marriage of nine years,” writes a 28-year-old woman who ended up divorcing her husband to be with her affair partner. “My husband and I never had sex and the sex we did have was boring!”

Women are also twice as likely to use an affair to get out of a bad relationship.

Actions aside, 71 percent of people say it's never OK to be unfaithful. Yet, one in four men and one in 10 women think cheating is justified if a partner has no interest in sex.

“People who engage in marital infidelity think they have a good reason, but this is an area where our behavior doesn’t fit our attitudes in a very large way,” says Howard Markman, a professor of psychology and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. “People are amazingly adept at justifying their negative behavior; it's one of the biggest problems in marriages.” [Emphasis mine, not the article's]

About two-thirds of cheaters say they don’t regret their actions, and 12 percent of men and 13 percent of women say they’re glad they cheated.

For many "it was a life experience, or a daring adventure," says Lever, the survey's lead researcher. "They had some fabulous sex for a week and they didn't regret it."

But many did face lingering feelings of sadness (25 percent), stress (32 percent) and guilt (49 percent).

"The only thing that turned out from cheating was feelings of guilt and shame," writes a 31-year-old woman who is currently single. "It most definitely made me realize how much I loved my primary partner and that anyone else was not worth it!"

No doubt infidelity is a serious problem that often leads to divorce or damaged relationships — 19 percent of people who were cheated on ended the relationship right away and 22 percent eventually broke up because they couldn’t get over the betrayal. Sexual infidelity played a role in just over half of divorces, the survey found.

"The fallout from affairs is not as much fun as the fling," says Leiblum. "When affairs come to light, the damage to the relationship is quite substantial. It can take months and even years to lessen the toxic effect of disbelief, anger, hurt and betrayal and even then it’s not totally gone."

A 29-year-old woman who has been on the receiving end of such a betrayal agrees. "When someone cheats on you, it destroys your self-worth."

Love keeps us true
What about the true blue among us? What motivates those who stay faithful? It’s not lack of opportunity. Only 8 percent of men and 4 percent of women say they’ve never had the chance to fool around.

For the most part, love does keep people faithful. While 68 percent of men in a monogamous relationship say they've desired someone else and 43 percent of women have had the hots for another person, they're not lighting their fires with someone else's match.

More than three-quarters of participants say they are too much in love to be unfaithful and 68 percent don't want to risk losing their partner. Love of one's partner was also one of the main reasons why people stopped cheating (20 percent).


Even among couples that have been together for more than 30 years, four-fifths of women and two-thirds of men report being faithful during the entire relationship.

For some, remaining faithful is the ultimate symbol of dedication. "She is the love of my life," writes one 31-year-old man about his wife. "I searched years to find her and I would never want to ruin what took so long to find."


© 2007 MSNBC Interactive
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17951664/page/3/

BJ, You Were Right!

Turns out I am an Angel after all.

You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 100% Faerie 75% Mermaid 67% Dragon 25% WereWolf 8% Demon 0% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

Yes, This is Indeed My True Self

T	Tasty
R	Respectable
U	Useful
E	Exquisite
S	Silly
E	Earthy
L	Lucky
F	Friendly

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Only ONE Part Silliness?!?

How to make a True Self

Ingredients: 3 parts mercy 1 part silliness 5 parts leadership

Method: Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Add a little curiosity if desired!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Ripples

Proof that my mind works in strange ways: take watching one sci fi movie with your kid, combine with a relationship conversation with your lover, stir, let sit overnight to blend well. The following blog post is the result.

Saturday morning N and I watched Star Wars Episode II yet again. It was not the first time we've watched, and I'm sure it won't be the last because we are both Star Wars fans. Now when we were watching it this time the following scene really stuck with me. You don't have to watch the entire clip if you aren't interested. By the time the clock is down to 2:50 you've seen the part I'm going to talk about here. Of course, if you're a real Star Wars fan feel free to watch the whole 4:00 minute clip. Take note, however, of the qualities of the seismic charges that Janga Fett deploys against Obi-Wan in that first minute or so of the clip.

BJ and I last night chatted about the “what if?” of BJ and me each telling our spouses bluntly what we both long to say: “I want out because I don’t love you anymore if I ever did, and there is someone that I do love and want to be with for the rest of my life.” Neither of us is brave enough to do it. Neither of us has done it. We’ve both tried, in our own ways, of broaching the subject of splitting up with our spouses at one time or another. Neither of us has included any mention of infidelity or loving another person. Both of us were met with similar reactions – anger, fear, clinging, attempts (successful BTW) to guilt us into staying. What we both seem unable to do is to walk away without the other party being in agreement that walking away is the best solution. So what would it take to get the other party into agreement? Well, perhaps the bombshell of infidelity, of there being someone else in the picture just might do it. Yet, here we are, neither of us taking that step that would probably sever the relationship. Why?

Well, let’s look at it in my case. Let’s go back to the Star Wars clip. I (Janga Fett) am trying to get away from W (Obi-Wan). In order to do so I lob the “We have to have a serious talk” seismic charge towards W. All is silent and calm until I say “I have fallen in love with another man, have spent several nights with him in the last few months, and want to be with him rather than you.” At that point the blue flash occurs and the effects begin to radiate out, away from the initial point of impact. Not only have I devastated W (because I don’t think he would be as adept at avoiding the impact of my words as Obi-Wan was at avoiding the impact of the seismic charge), but others are hurt in the process. Asteroids of all shapes and sizes are impacted, some shattered, some knocked off their path, some hit by the fallout of the shattered asteroids. So many impacts besides W. N, of course, would be the biggest one. Could I protect him from being shattered or knocked from his path? What other asteroids might be hit in some way? My economics, W’s economics, my relationship with my parents and extended family, the respect of my friends, my dependency on W for practical help with errands, and I’m sure if I thought about it I could come up with more.

So am I willing to lob that seismic charge? Am I able to deal with the fallout?

CLARIFICATION (4/16/07, 2:25 p.m.):
Just to be clear, I don't want anyone to think that I think I fully understand BJ's situation nor am I suggesting that his fears or hesitations are the same as mine. Maybe I should have written this post without including him in some of my statements. It isn't up to me to say that lack of bravery is the cause of his not leaving. That is me projecting my own mixed up crap onto him and his situation. Sorry BJ. I know you didn't ask for this apology, but I think I owed it anyway.

Take The Long Way Home

One of my favorite Supertramp songs. First Roger Hodgson, one of the co-founders of Supertramp, talks briefly about the song.



Now the song, with a strange animated video with it. Wish I could've found something better, but close your eyes and listen if necessary.



Sometimes I feel like I'm taking a very long way home. . .

And This Dedication Goes Out to. . .

All of you who, like me, are in relationships where you spend more time apart from the one you love than with him/her. Don't be surprised if you need a tissue or two to get through this one.



Bravery is driving away/getting on the airplane/closing the door as you watch them walk away not knowing how long until you'll see one another again.

Enjoy your weekend.

'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'*'

Styx - Babe Lyrics

(Dennis DeYoung)
Babe, I'm leaving, I must be on my way
The time is drawing near
My train is going, I see it in your eyes
The love, the need, your tears
But I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love to see me through
Please believe me, my heart is in your hands
And I'll be missing you.

You know it's you Babe
Whenever I get weary and I've had enough
Feel like giving up
You know it's you Babe
Giving me the courage and the strength I need
Please believe that it's true
Babe, I love you.

You know it's you Babe
Whenever I get weary and I've had enough
Feel like giving up
You know it's you Babe
Giving me the courage and the strength I need
Please believe that it's true
Babe, I love you.

Babe, I'm leaving, I'll say it once again
Somehow try to smile
I know the feeling we're trying to forget
If only for a while
But I'll be lonely without you
And I'll need your love to see me through
Please believe me, my heart is in your hands
And I'll be missing you
Babe, I love you.