Monday, April 16, 2007


Proof that my mind works in strange ways: take watching one sci fi movie with your kid, combine with a relationship conversation with your lover, stir, let sit overnight to blend well. The following blog post is the result.

Saturday morning N and I watched Star Wars Episode II yet again. It was not the first time we've watched, and I'm sure it won't be the last because we are both Star Wars fans. Now when we were watching it this time the following scene really stuck with me. You don't have to watch the entire clip if you aren't interested. By the time the clock is down to 2:50 you've seen the part I'm going to talk about here. Of course, if you're a real Star Wars fan feel free to watch the whole 4:00 minute clip. Take note, however, of the qualities of the seismic charges that Janga Fett deploys against Obi-Wan in that first minute or so of the clip.

BJ and I last night chatted about the “what if?” of BJ and me each telling our spouses bluntly what we both long to say: “I want out because I don’t love you anymore if I ever did, and there is someone that I do love and want to be with for the rest of my life.” Neither of us is brave enough to do it. Neither of us has done it. We’ve both tried, in our own ways, of broaching the subject of splitting up with our spouses at one time or another. Neither of us has included any mention of infidelity or loving another person. Both of us were met with similar reactions – anger, fear, clinging, attempts (successful BTW) to guilt us into staying. What we both seem unable to do is to walk away without the other party being in agreement that walking away is the best solution. So what would it take to get the other party into agreement? Well, perhaps the bombshell of infidelity, of there being someone else in the picture just might do it. Yet, here we are, neither of us taking that step that would probably sever the relationship. Why?

Well, let’s look at it in my case. Let’s go back to the Star Wars clip. I (Janga Fett) am trying to get away from W (Obi-Wan). In order to do so I lob the “We have to have a serious talk” seismic charge towards W. All is silent and calm until I say “I have fallen in love with another man, have spent several nights with him in the last few months, and want to be with him rather than you.” At that point the blue flash occurs and the effects begin to radiate out, away from the initial point of impact. Not only have I devastated W (because I don’t think he would be as adept at avoiding the impact of my words as Obi-Wan was at avoiding the impact of the seismic charge), but others are hurt in the process. Asteroids of all shapes and sizes are impacted, some shattered, some knocked off their path, some hit by the fallout of the shattered asteroids. So many impacts besides W. N, of course, would be the biggest one. Could I protect him from being shattered or knocked from his path? What other asteroids might be hit in some way? My economics, W’s economics, my relationship with my parents and extended family, the respect of my friends, my dependency on W for practical help with errands, and I’m sure if I thought about it I could come up with more.

So am I willing to lob that seismic charge? Am I able to deal with the fallout?

CLARIFICATION (4/16/07, 2:25 p.m.):
Just to be clear, I don't want anyone to think that I think I fully understand BJ's situation nor am I suggesting that his fears or hesitations are the same as mine. Maybe I should have written this post without including him in some of my statements. It isn't up to me to say that lack of bravery is the cause of his not leaving. That is me projecting my own mixed up crap onto him and his situation. Sorry BJ. I know you didn't ask for this apology, but I think I owed it anyway.


Anonymous said...

I understand completely what you are talking about and the truth is there is no sure thing in these matters which really really sucks (BTW you must be hard core to endure multiple viewings of Episode II)

Val said...

Pretty cool analogy TS, even to a Trekkie like me ;-)!
I prefer to view things more in the framework of a Kobayashi Maru scenario myself (the unwinnable battle)...
[scurries off to compose her own post]

trueself said...

FL - I am not near as hard core as N, but I do like the entire Star Wars series. Still hoping episodes 7-9 eventually get made.
No sure thing, no there isn't.

Val - Ah yes, the Kobayashi Maru. I fear I would probably handle it more like Lieutenant Savak than Captain Kirk. (and yes, some would say I probably am a bit more Vulcan sometimes than human.)

I fear I'm revealing more of my geekiness this morning than I ever intended. ;-)

oldbear said...

Hi Truey, just remeber, discretion is often the better part of valor!!!

Sneaking aroudn like you are now under the dont ask/dont tell is not all bad.

What you do to W, you are teaching N to expect from the women in his life!

W may deserve to expect bad treatment cuz o fhis "jerkiness" to you, but is that the expectation you want to foster in N?

Better to just break with W, and go to BJ, and leave all the justifications and accusations and rationales out of it.

Nowdays most of us accept that "things may not work out" with a spouse.

But lieing, cheating, deception, and especially hurtful in your face statements are quite a different mattter altogether.

Good luck no mattter what course you choose, but please be careful, for N 's sake!

Trueself said...

OB - Thanks for your usual wisdom. Yes, trying to think of the impact on N as the most important thing. Gotta keep that focus.