Monday, April 23, 2007

I hate feeling this way.

I hate waiting for him to email/call/text/IM/communicate in any way.
I hate that I wait for him.
I hate that I miss him so much that I try to structure my life around when I think he might call.
I hate that I live my life around other people’s schedules and that they don’t appear to live around mine.
I hate that I have to be at home and off the phone and available to talk whenever the other he calls.
I hate that I choose to have no life beyond waiting for other people.
I hate that I feel like I must justify every time I am unavailable when people beckon me.
I hate that I have given my own life away like that.
I hate that I am unhappy when I try to break free of that.
I hate that I am not independent enough to say “Screw you. I’m here when I’m here and not when I’m not. I’m not at your beck and call” and be comfortable taking that position.
I hate that I am not a stronger person.
I hate that my life revolves around pleasing men whether that man is W or my little man, N, or BJ.

Okay, so I’m hating certain choices I’m making in my life. So now what am I going to do about it?

And is it so awfully wrong to want someone somewhere to make a “grand gesture” towards me? To show me that I am absolutely #1 in their life?

God, how pathetically needy of me. . .

New mantra: Grow up. Grow up. Grow up. Grow up.


Unspoken Drama said...

Are you hanging out in my head and my heart? You echoed every single solitary thought and emotion that is inside of me. I know exactly of what you answers, no magic words of advice. Just know you're not alone. *hugs*....big big *hugs*


Serenity said...

BJ's married, yes? You'll never get the grand gesture from a married man because they are safe and sound in their little world and thy just don't need us enough to really rock the boat. I'm not advising you to do anything in particular, except adjust your expectations. Doesn't matter how sweet he might be in person, if he's still married, that will always be his first priority. Either you accept it or you don't. But my guess is you would have a better time with self-acceptance and self-esteem if you weren't letting your heart be dragged around by a married man. I've played on both sides of this fence now, and I finally did get tired of the BS associated with married men, despite their other attributes.

freebird said...

I'm with UD, and reluctantly also have to nod to what serenity says to a certain extent.
Many years ago I vowed I'd never again wait by a phone for a man - and what do I do all the time...? Pathetic, aren't we?!!! :-S

Fiona said...

TS, they are all choices you're making, and I'm not saying I don't make some of the same ones.

History is a huge challenge, especially someone else's history. There are no quick answers, no off-the-shelf-solutions to any of this.

I recommend some structure. Some expecation that is agreed on by both sides. Certain time of day agreeable to both. Then live your life around that.

Don't choose to live expecting the unexpected. Live your life honey because one thing I have learned, is that every man, married or not, wants the woman he loves to be a complete, whole person with her own options. He, too, wants to know that when you are there it's because you choose to be, not because there's nothing else for you to look forward to. That just freaks them out, and rightly so.

Go out, be unavailable, it's hard I know but do it, even if it's to sit in Starbucks or wherever and watch the world go by.

I promise you that he'll love you more for knowing you have a life that isn't totally dependent upon him for happiness.

You deserve a mature love. A love that understands and accepts.

oldbear said...

Hi truey, I am not sure what to say about all of this, but please dont lump the boy in with yuor grouchy old man and your "at least a little selfish" lover.

While N does need to gorw up and not be mommas boy when the time is right for that, he is just a kid, who prabably is sscared and needs the extra love and security form yuo.

My mom died when I was a teen, and I saw how hard the lack of mom was on my little brother. Watch out for the boy,,,not that yuo dont, I think you are good mom, jsut reminder, he is an innocent.
Props to you OB.

oldbear said...

ps Truey, it doesnt make you pathetic and needy, it means you have value and are giving to others, that is why they want your attentions.

i do agree you should not have to just sit around waiting for them to call. but the clandestine thing puts the strain on all the interactions, doesnt it?

i respect you wanting freedom from being needy/dependent, but dont be to hard on yourself :-).

FWIW, I doubt if mr grumpy and mr "interjected himslef into troubled relationship" are worrying about the amount of effort they are putting out for you!

Trueself said...

Drama - Well no, but our situations are so similar I suppose it's natural we would have similar feelings. Not that I would wish this situation on anyone, but it is comforting to know I'm not the only one.

Serenity - Yes, BJ is still married. No, not reasonable at all to expect that gesture from him. How about from W, the one who claims he wants to hold onto me? Any chance I could expect a gesture from him? Oh that's right, he doesn't do things like that. Never mind.

FB - Yes, in a way it is pathetic. Where do we find the strength to be independent?

Fiona - Interestingly enough, before I ever read your comment, I made myself unavailable today. I worked late and let the cell phone go to voicemail. Then I went out for a bit of shopping and dinner and didn't get home until almost 8:00 p.m. Also, I made no apologies to anybody for calls I missed. It felt very rebellious, but good in a way. I am an independent person. I do NOT have to be at anyone's beck and call.

OB - I wasn't really trying to lump N in with the other two. He is just a child. He needs his mommy. He, too, however needs some structure, some rules, looser rules than the grownups, for when it is appropriate to call mom and when it is not.

Andy said...

Wow I really think you have read all my thoughts today. How is that possible?? As I sit and wait on an email.

Gawd does this mean I'm pathetic and needy? Oh feeling sick to may stomach. UGH!!

Unspoken Drama said...

I do agree with what Fiona had to say. Before I began working again I was simply hanging out at home doing a whole lot of waiting. I worried when I started the job that I'd be too unavailable but now I see that he does make an effort to find me when he needs me. I don't freak out when I miss a call and it has gotten a bit easier. But then again I have days that are just like you described. It's a vicious cycle.


Emily said...

Quite honestly, Trueself, I have found one of the best ways to make yourself #1 in a man's life is to be a little unavailable - not never around, not never available, but maintaining an active and fulfilling life of your own so that *he* has to wonder when you'll be able to pay attention to *him*.

Trust me, it's better that way.

Trueself said...

Andy - There really are too many of us out here, huh?

Drama - Yes, I do see the wisdom in what Fiona and you are saying.

Emily - Of course you are right. A woman with a busy fulfilling life would be much more attractive to a man than someone who sits and waits for him.

Saranonymous said...

I really, deeply understand what you've written. *sigh*