Friday, September 18, 2009

Because I Can't Stay Away

Apparently any time I do something good and self-sacrificing (like taking W in during his time of need) I feel compelled to do a bad and selfish thing to make up for it.

J and I will be together again on October 3, and no we will not be chatting over dinner and a movie.  It will be the third time we've been together since he married his third wife.  Yes, I realize that means that I was just as unfaithful in my relationship with BJ as I was (and continue to be) in my marriage and that now you know that too.  Part of the way I justified it to myself when going behind BJ's back was revenge for some of the things he did (and no I don't think that is adequate justification, and yes I understand it isn't really revenge when he knew nothing about it), but another part of it is that somehow I just can't bring myself to stay away from J.  There is a connection there that just keeps us coming back to each other, whether it's good, bad or otherwise.

Of course, the fact that I had tickets for BJ and me to attend an Illini football game together on October 3 that we will no longer be attending (and that I sold the tickets to a coworker and now have the $$ for a hotel room) has absolutely no bearing at all on me choosing that date to get together with J.  (C'mon, if you didn't read snarky sarcasm in that you don't know me well enough.  Go back and reread it with sarcasm dripping from each word.  There, now you have the proper message.)

Sometimes I feel like I can't keep myself out of self-destruct mode.  (Note to self:  This should be Topic #1 at next therapy session with Freud and makes for something to write about in next week's Thursday Therapy post.)

4 comments:

Therese in Heaven said...

What about J's wife? After how badly you have been treated in your relationships, how do you justify helping a man treat another woman badly?

I know that sounds like an incredibly snarky question, and I really don't mean it to be so. I just don't understand. And as a wife who has been cheated on, I have always really wanted to understand.

Val said...

YOU'RE paying for the hotel???
[at least tell me you're splitting it]

Summer said...

I agree with everything in Therese In Heaven's comment. You deserve better and so does his wife. The only person that makes out in this whole thing is J.

ginnyh said...

Ok, I'm not going to follow along with the general train of comments here. I just want to say that as soon as you made this shattering decision to let your aging, dependent "husband" move back in, you start off by NOT taking care of yourself. TS, I pray that you will continue to work towards loving yourself and as a result, will be able to take care of yourself. Someone in your painful position really cannot benefit from those comments that ask you to consider J's wife in this matter.......that is something that J should be thinking of. I read somewhere, that a person who cheats is a person in pain and as someone who has cheated in the past, I can testify to this fact absolutely. So anyway, I will continue to follow along and hope you can somehow find peace (and btw, love)