I’m just starting to piece things together, but the following are some of the pieces in random order as they pop into my brain:
- I feel inferior and unworthy of a truly high quality partner.
- At least part of that feeling of inferiority comes from my parents telling me over and over that if I didn’t change certain things about myself (such as my weight and my mile wide independent/rebellious streak) that I would never find a man who wanted me.
- I have spent my life being grateful for any attention men would pay to me and tend to grab hold and hang on as if I am lucky to have anyone at all.
- At this point, I feel like I am too far gone to be able to turn around and make things different, that even if I did change how I feel about myself it wouldn’t change how others see me and I would always be “damaged goods” and untrustworthy.
- I am appalled by how pathetic all this sounds and realize that most of the time I do my best not to acknowledge the existence of these thoughts and feelings because they feel too daunting to challenge/tame/conquer.
- As long as I settle for sex with married men, there is no chance of them judging me harshly (glass houses you know).
- Every time someone (and there have been many) says to me, “You are worth more. You deserve more.” I think to myself that they are absolutely 100% wrong, and that I don’t even deserve as much as I have.
- I fear that if I hold myself to a higher standard I will never have sex again and never have another chance to have a marriage or relationship of any kind.
I totally and completely forgot K when I was saying I hadn't been with a single man in a very long time. For some reason I failed to add K to the list (have fixed that now though). However, I do believe this is just the exception that proves the rule. If you don't remember K, you can find some of my posts about him here, here, and here. Now, let me warn you that last one is pretty sexually graphic. If that's not your cup of tea don't go there, 'kay? Just sayin'. Anyway, it feels a little better to know that there was at least one single man out there who spent a little time with me.