Friday, September 25, 2009

Final Words on Infidelity --- For Now

No woman can steal your man unless your man allows it to happen. To that end I have never and would never place blame on any woman for my husband or boyfriend straying. I put the blame squarely on his shoulders. Yes I accept blame for my actions: cheating, treating my man in such a way as to encourage him to cheat (e.g. refusing to compromise, ignoring him, etc.). I don’t, however, accept blame on myself for another man’s decision to cheat. It is his decision and his responsibility. My refusal to sleep with him will not cause him to remain faithful to his wife but simply to find someone else who is willing to sleep with him.

In other words, talk to me all you want about how my actions are wrong. I agree! They are. I’ve said so and will continue to say so and will continue to work on bringing my actions in line with my beliefs. I know that there is some need being filled by my behavior, and that it is imperative to ferret out what that need is and to find more wholesome and healthy ways of meeting that need in order to get me back on the right track.

What I take umbrage with is the notion that somehow it is on my shoulders to not only work on myself to make myself better but also to somehow work on making the world better. Sorry. Not gonna happen here. I’m struggling enough to make myself better. I’m in therapy and am for the first time probably ever, diligently working on making myself better rather than trying to find justification for myself. My focus is on me, making myself better, changing my own behaviors because of what they will do to make me a better person. I’m so very sorry (oops, was that a bit of sarcasm slipping in there?) that I can’t be bothered to go out and be a great example to the world for better marriages everywhere. Sheesh! Maybe someday, in a healthier place, that might be a goal (although I doubt it because honestly I would rather see the end of people going without necessary medical care or enough food to eat than the end of people having affairs and would rather focus my attentions there, not just through voting but through actions such as working with local groups to improve access to health care for all and to donate to and work for local food pantries), but for now I have to just work on me.

If I am having sex outside of a committed relationship (and I am) then I am doing wrong, and I need to work on myself to bring my behavior into line with what is right.

If someone else is having sex outside of a committed relationship then I feel it is my place only to help them stop if they want me to help them stop. I can give them my opinion, that it is wrong to be doing it, but I will not now nor ever try to actively prevent them from infidelity. It is their choice, one they have every right to make for themselves as long as they understand the risks and possible consequences of their actions.

I place no blame whatsoever on J for my infidelity. I’m a big girl. I make my decisions. If J refused to have sex with me would that make me more faithful? Absolutely not. If one is going to cheat they are going to cheat and will find someone willing to participate.

I just draw the line differently than most of you seem to, and that’s okay. I draw the line differently on a lot of things than mainstream society does. Not once have I ever said that I think I’m doing the right or good thing by having sex with J (or any other man not my husband), and I don’t. I don’t believe it was or is right or good for me to have sex with J or BJ or K or the new possible FWB in the picture. But it isn’t good because it isn’t good for me and isn’t good for my marriage. As far as whether it is right or good for J, BJ, K, the new FWB, well that’s their deal, not mine. They need to deal with their own issues with that, and let me deal with my issues. (BTW yes it is a dog eat dog world, so quit wearing milk bone underwear.)

The way I hear our difference is that I don’t expect any of you or anybody else to help make me be a faithful spouse. I don’t expect any of you or anybody else but my spouse to help make my spouse be a faithful spouse. In the same way, if you expect me to help you keep you or your spouse faithful you are looking in the wrong direction. Only you and your spouse can do that. And c’mon, do you really want to be married to someone who is faithful only because they don’t have the chance to be unfaithful? As far as I’m concerned they are just as guilty whether or not the physical act occurs if the intention is there and would occur except for the lack of a willing partner. It isn’t the physical act that makes the cheater in my opinion. A player is a player whether he has anyone to play with or not.

Period. End of story. I’ve said over and over what I believe in as many ways as I can think to say it. If you don’t understand my point by now, then it is never going to get through to you, and I’m through talking about it here. . . at least until my next Thursday Therapy post where I’m sure it will be the topic since it will be the main topic discussed on Tuesday with Freud.

Until then, I’m off to another soccer tournament this weekend with N. (Yes two tournaments on back to back weekends, and yes I am very tired and will be glad when the weekend ends.) TTFN


ginnyh said...

Well said! You have such a gift for well-written posts and while not everyone will share your views, they can't say you haven't done a great job of getting your point across. I especially liked your point "No woman can steal your man unless your man allows it to happen".....EXACTLY.

When infidelity happens within a committed relationship, it is a symptom of a much deeper, larger problem within the relationship. Sometimes, a spouse can begin an affair as a way to fatally damage the marriage, a way of bringing about the end of their union. Sometimes not. Whatever the reasons for straying, that individual has made the decision, and that is where the responsibility begins and ends.

Summer said...

I'm not going to get all wordy here but my feeling is that it takes 3 people to commit adultery. The wife, husband and the third party. I will never understand why anyone would want to lower themselves to be a participant in someone's failing marriage just for the sex. If a h/w is having issues in their marriage then start communicating with each other to committ or split not look up old fuck buddies. I apologize if that sounds blunt but...
You express your thoughts very well and are a great writer but I just can't agree with your thinking.
If it were me and it almost was once, I'd divorce W and find someone with no strings attached. But don't kid yourself that you have no responsibility if you sleep with another woman's husband.

kimba said...

i missed a whole post and discussion and wow.. true.. this is interesting.

you are right, nothing you can do or not do will make J less of a cheater.

i guess what i wanted to say is[and god i hope it didn't come across as too preachy, that first comment] that you deserve to have great sex with someone who wants 'you'..not just someone he can cheat with who won't call him on his arse behaviour.
Also I was concerned at the 'revenge' element of your getting together with J.

You make the decisions true.