Who is This? Redux

After feeling like I was spiraling downward back towards the black hole of depression for a week or so, I managed to stop the descent and reverse courses. With the help of Freud, my pastor, journaling in this blog, staying on my meds and maybe a little dash of luck for good measure, I am back on an even keel.

No, life ain’t perfect. In some ways life downright sucks. On the other hand, I can get through anything if I put my mind to it. So life isn’t exactly how I want it to be. Oh well, it just is what it is. There are more important things than having a partner in life with whom you are well suited. It ain’t pretty, but I pick up the pieces from here and there and patch together a decent enough life.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, and even she was impressed at how well I’ve turned things around since my last visit with Freud. She ordered refills of my “keep me less crazy” meds and reminded me that I’m not even close to the highest dosage on either of them so that if I ever feel myself spiraling down and am not able to pull myself up we can consider upping one or both meds.

Really, people, I’m almost starting to feel sane. “Normal” people have ups and downs, good days and bad, joys and sorrows. Dare I consider that I might be approaching this thing called “normal”?


And Now For Something Completely Different
(cue Monty Python theme song)…

And on an unrelated (or maybe it isn’t so unrelated) note, the Illini basketball team is actually not doing too badly… yet… this year. Of course, they weren’t doing too badly at this point last year, and we all know how that turned out. But let’s be optimistic. It’s good to see my boys working hard and to have a coach on hand who actually changes things up in response to what he sees happening on the court. And wow, a zone defense? Man, haven’t seen that Illini defensive strategy in years.

Ok, I may have to get on the Illini bandwagon again. The new coach is starting to win me over… but I’m not quite there yet. Let’s just go with cautious optimism for now. My prediction is they will suffer their first loss of the season later this month when they meet Mizzou at the Braggin’ Rights game. Then the true test will be how well they bounce back after that. The Big Ten (which is really 12 now and will soon be 14, but what’s in a name after all) is going to be a tough conference this year. Hopefully, this team will put the Fight back in Fighting Illini and make a respectable showing in the conference.

Eh, So Much for That

So my Friday liaison didn’t work out. We emailed back and forth that morning, were supposed to meet for lunch near my work. I suggested 11:30. We agreed. Shortly before 11:00 he emailed asking could we meet at 11:00. I agreed, left work and walked to the restaurant. He emailed back that he couldn’t make it and could we meet at 12:30. I emailed back saying no, I’m already here at the restaurant and have to be back at work in an hour. Could we meet after work for drinks, I asked. Ok, he said, email me when you get off work.

Later that afternoon he emailed and asked when I would be available to play. I told him my weekend schedule and said I still wanted to meet in a public place first. He suggested 6:45 that evening at a local bar. I said sure (not thrilled with the bar he chose but only because it’s way over on the other side of town).

He was very persistent about asking if I was 420 friendly in several of his emails. Yes, I told him repeatedly. I’m not really into it myself so much but have no problems with people who are. I suspect he worried that I was a narc or something. I told him I would partake some but not a whole lot because it’s been years since I’ve even been around it. I figured a few drags on a joint would ease his mind and not be the worst thing in the world I could do.

My plan was to drop N off at the movies for a group date, meet up with the new guy for drinks and whatever, and then go pick N up after the movie.

And then…

I get home and announce my plan, substituting going Christmas shopping in the narrative where the clandestine meeting was going to happen. W wanted to go Christmas shopping too and to take me out to dinner. I said maybe I was going to be shopping for him, and gave him a big grin. He said that was ok, that he would go shop in another part of the store or mall or whatever. He just wanted to go out that night… with me. Internally, I debated how far to push. Was it the guilt over what I was really doing that kept me from pushing back? No, not really though that may have played a part. Mostly what made me acquiesce is that under any other circumstance I would acquiesce to avoid having to deal with the pouting self pity party W would engage in for the rest of the weekend if I didn’t give in to him. I feared it would throw too much suspicion on me if I stood my ground because it is so out of character.

So I emailed the new guy my regrets that I couldn’t get away from W that night, and we’d have to do it another time.

And I haven’t heard from him since. So I figure I blew that one big time. I might try to contact him in the next week or two if I have some free time and see if something will work out, but I’m not holding my breath.

One another note, I’ve had a sore throat for over a week now. I intended to go to the convenient care clinic after work yesterday, but as luck would have it, N needed a ride to a neighboring town for the girls regional basketball tournament. I had forgotten I’d promised to take him (before I knew the sore throat was going to become a long-term condition), but I had and I decided to keep my word. I may do the clinic thing today during my lunch hour… or I may just die weeks or months from now of some horribly debilitating throat disease that was never diagnosed because I couldn’t find time to get to the doctor. :-/

My Biggest Delusion

My biggest delusion in life is thinking that if I just try hard enough and show clearly enough just how much I love someone they will love me back.

Guess what?

It doesn't work that way.  Sometimes no matter how much you love somebody they're still just a jerk.

Welcome to reality Trueself.

Physical Therapy

Being with J last week not only churned up emotions it fanned the flames of the ember that has been burning since around the time I posted this. The need for physical satisfaction has been simmering and last Friday brought it to a full boil.

Perhaps as a defense mechanism I have refocused myself away from the emotional side of things and towards the physical. Perhaps as a stop gap measure until I can free myself to be available for a real relationship a little NSA fun seems like a good idea on some level. Perhaps I’m just horny. Whatever the case may be, I indulged myself just a little yesterday.

Being that it was Thanksgiving I didn’t have to go to work. Given that I had already announced to W & J that I wasn’t cooking a big Thanksgiving feast this year, I had nothing to do but catch up on some shows on DVR, read the book I bought last week, and troll the internet for inappropriate reading.

I read several stories on the Literotica website. That further fueled the fire within. Eventually, I hit CraigsList. I hadn’t visited there in a very long time, at least not the Personals section. I didn’t really expect to find anything worth pursuing as there rarely is. It mostly seems to be “straight” guys looking for male on male interaction. Last night though there was an ad that very much intrigued me, a 30-something guy looking for a BBW.

Seriously?  Sounds too good to be true.  I read it and thought about it but rejected the idea of responding to it. I perused several other ads, some quite entertaining, some not so entertaining. I kept going back to that one ad. He’s looking for a BBW for good times on the down low, and he is willing to host at a local hotel.

Hmm…
I debated…
I went back and forth in my mind…
I wrote an email response…
I hesitated sending it…
I attached a naked photo of myself (from behind, nothing to reveal my identity)…
I considered deleting the email and not sending it at all…
Well, you know where this is leading…

I held my breath and hit Send.

Within an hour I had an email in response to mine. He’s interested and happy to meet me in a public place as I had requested. He even gave me his full name (yes, I know he could have lied). When I googled it I found out he was one of three people – two of whom are in states far from here, and one who lives in this area, is an English teacher in a local school, and played a couple of seasons of football (better if it had been basketball, but then again an athlete is an athlete, and who thought I’d ever get a jock to do me) for my favorite college team back in the day (like back when they actually won more than one game in a season). So now I have a picture of him so (a) I know he is quite handsome and (b) I’ll know when I see him if he’s really who he says when we meet.

We exchanged a couple more emails before it got so late I had to go to bed since I have to work today. Hopefully, we’re having lunch today. I have to confirm it later this morning.

Perhaps because I watch too much Law & Order or perhaps because I watch too much news, I am nervous about what could happen. Just because I’ve always been okay in the past doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Every time I do this I feel like I’m just pushing my luck that much further, and I fear that the odds will someday catch up with me.

Flawed People Can Do Amazing Things

The title of this post isn’t 100% a reflection of the meat of this post, but then again it isn’t totally off the mark. It is the thought that keeps popping into my head as I reflect on my discussion Tuesday with my pastor.

As I mentioned at the end of my last post, my therapy session on Monday left me feeling less than settled on anything. I felt like we barely got started before we had to end. I was a mess and spent much of the afternoon at work fighting back tears as I tried to concentrate on spreadsheets full of premiums and claims and admin expenses. My emotions were barely under the surface, so much so that by that evening twice the singers on The Voice that night made me bawl. Since that is hardly how I wish to go through life, and I felt like I desperately needed to talk to someone I turned to my pastor.

Now, please understand that I am not the person that normally goes running to the pastor for counseling. As a matter of fact, I have spent most of my life avoiding such conversations like the plague. I have always felt the need to appear like I have it all together and am a model Progressive Christian around church people. Oh, I’ll fight the fight for understanding and empathy for others who have fallen, but God forbid I admit to having messed up myself.

However, my current pastor has made me feel eminently comfortable in being able to admit to imperfection, to admit to being human and having human failings. It is only because of this that I have been able to confide certain things to her in the past and the only reason I could confide in her on Tuesday.

I started by giving her the synopsis of the 30+ year debacle in which I have put myself. (See previous posts ‘cause I ain’t repeating it again.)

God did not strike me with a lightning bolt when I confessed. Not that I really thought that would happen. After all, God has known all along what I’ve been doing and what I’ve been feeling and the struggles I’ve had with all of this. And deep in my heart I know God to be loving and forgiving. God has always been there for me when I’ve been good and when I’ve been bad.

However…

I know that there are churches where there is no way one could retain a position of leadership if it became known even to only the pastor that an affair was occurring, particularly one that the participant of the affair is not even willing to say she is definitely stopping. I know that my church is pretty much not like that, but there is always that fear that runs through me. So I didn’t know for sure if she might not ask me to step down from the committee that I chair and represent on the church council. She didn’t. When I mentioned that I wasn’t sure I should continue considering seminary given what I am involved in she reminded me that no one is perfect, that we all have sin in our lives and that it doesn’t magically go away just because we attend seminary or become ordained.

So apparently, there is hope for me yet.

All along in this I have thought that if ever J and I were exposed at least it won’t be to a national and international audience. Nobody is really going to care that two virtually unknown nobodies had an affair. We may go through hell with friends and family but at least the media wouldn’t be camped outside our doors. We wouldn’t be fodder for discussion on news shows and jokes on late night TV.

But I’ve digressed. Back to my discussion with my pastor.

The locus of the discussion was really around what would make me feel like a happy and complete person. After some discussion, I said that what I really wanted was to be available for a fully committed relationship with someone that is fulfilling physically, emotionally and spiritually. After that, she kept bringing our discussion back to that point.

I have discussed before with my pastor my relationship with W so she is well aware that all is not rosy in our household. She was very clear with me that from all I have told her W and I no longer have a covenantal relationship between us. It was broken long ago, and the fact that we still have a marriage in the legal sense does not mean that we have anything resembling a marriage in the spiritual sense. The relationship is not fulfilling in either a physical or emotional sense, although spiritually it might be somewhat. It is clear from the past several years that it is not likely to change in any substantial way.

Clearly the relationship, or whatever it is, with J is not fulfilling in any sense. It is something I hang onto because it is the idea of J that is so appealing, not the actual person.

If I want to even be available for the possibility of finding a fulfilling relationship then I have to let go of both of these relationships. Headwise, this makes tons of sense to me. Headwise, I can see that I should let go in both cases. Heartwise, I just can’t seem to make myself do it. Yet I know that the only person who would be [insert derogatory term of choice here] enough to enter into a relationship with me knowing that I am tangled up with those two would not be the quality of person I would want to have a long term relationship with.

Yesterday, after I met with the pastor I was reading some of my old posts about J. Sigh… I recycle these same things over and over and over and over and never seem to make any sort of progress. And in spite of that I remain a relatively productive human being. You wouldn’t know that from what you know of me in my blog, but I am. I do a lot in my real life and occasionally even make a difference in someone’s life. Even though I’m flawed… really, really flawed.

More Tuesday Therapy (even though it's Wednesday now)

Where were we? Oh yes, I had given Freud the Cliffs Notes version of “The Not So Great Love Story of J & TS.” So there I sat, damp tissues in my hand, in the waste basket, and just about everywhere. I imagine I was quite the sight. At least there is one benefit to never wearing makeup – no oddly colored streaks on your face.


I assumed Freud would immediately tell me how awful J is for me, that I need to find a way to extricate myself from him. Nope. Freud’s focus, and I agree it is a good place to start, was to help me determine what it is that I get from the relationship with J. What hole am I trying to fill with this relationship, and are there other healthier ways to fill that hole? (I just reread what I wrote there, and I swear, if any of you are smirking at that last sentence I will personally reach through your computer and throttle you.)

Freud even pointed out some of the benefits that I mentioned through my narrative. Number One was FUN. J and I have a playful banter that occurs almost constantly when we are together. We revel in the verbal parry and jab. We laugh, or at least smile, a lot when we’re together. We always have, both 30 years ago and today. Even when my emotions get the best of me, we still maintain that banter. Is my relationship with J the only way I can have this lighthearted playful time? Are there other ways to fill that void?

Then there’s connection and history. J and I have a lot of shared history. We know each other so very well. We know the good, the bad, and the ugly, and we’re still willing to talk to each other. There is something of a comfort there, a soft place to land, sort of. Are there other places I can find comfort? Are there other soft places to land in the world for me?

Freud pointed out that you don’t hang onto a relationship if you aren’t getting something from it that is feeding you. If you can find a healthier place to feed, then it makes it easier to let go of the less healthy place.

Unfortunately, we ran out of time at that point. I was far from ready to quit. I had myself so churned up that my stomach hurt. Yet there we were, at the end of the session.

Before parting, Freud asked if we’d decided a place to have Thanksgiving dinner. (I shared with him in our previous session that I had announced to W and N that I would not be cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year, and that they are welcome to cook for us or take me out. They chose to take me out.) I told him yes, we decided on Cracker Barrel. So there you are. We’ll be the party of three, sitting at the corner table, looking morose, eating our turkey and dressing and being thankful for… yeah, I need to think on that one…


The post script to this one is that later that night, when it was very late and I was very much not sleeping and still pretty worked up, I texted my pastor asking if I could meet with her this week. Very early the next morning, when it was far too early to be up but she has a less than one year old daughter who kindly wakes her in the wee hours, she texted back to set up an appointment for that very day. Therefore, my next post will be about my session with my pastor where I continue to pine away for the person I can’t quite have, and where for the first time in my life I confess to my adultery to a member of the clergy.

Tuesday Therapy

Freud suggested that having a private journal where I write about my experiences and feelings pertaining to J, as well as other things, might be a good way for me to work through some of this. Hi there private journal, read only by invisible (not imaginary, very real, just invisible) internet friends and random strangers! Let’s see what tales I can tell today.

Yesterday’s session was brutal. I spent much of my time in tears, some of it sobbing, some just tears rolling down my face. I used many tissues. No wonder therapy is so expensive. Their paper goods bill alone must be daunting. It was bad that I had to go back to work afterwards because that meant I had to find a way to pull myself together and not look like a complete sack of shit, but it was good that I had a 15-20 minute drive across town to accomplish it.

While I have mentioned J, and our affair, in therapy it hasn’t really been the crux of conversation. Why? Well, since I’ve been seeing Freud J has kind of been a background character in my life rather than an all consuming obsession. I’ve had other things to worry about and therapize (not a real word, but I like it so I’m using it) about, such as:

• Getting my medical depression under control
• BJ’s and my breakup,
• W moving back in and my decision to turn martyr by allowing him to,
• My on again off again attempts to lose weight,
• My physical fling with M (Oh how I miss M sometimes, just from the physical release standpoint. A good orgasm occasionally is a miracle drug I tell you.),
• My ups and downs at work,
• My disagreements with W over parenting,
• My Dad’s death within three months after my grandmother’s.

Anyway, J came up occasionally, but never in any substantial way. Yesterday, he was right at the heart of it all.

 

One thing I will say for Freud is that he is completely unflappable. No matter what craziness I spew in session he takes it in stride never letting on that he might think I’ve gone round the bend. Why, yesterday he even told me that he doesn’t think I’m crazy at all. That’s comforting a little I guess, although what would truly be comforting is if he told me I was batshit (apparently this is not a real word either) crazy, and here’s the cure for it. Do this, and all the crazies will go away.

 

Anyway, I started with a rather detailed background to bring Freud up to speed, and really, it is terribly difficult to tell a 30+ year story in under an hour. You really have to do the Cliff Notes version, which I did, but I was also brutally honest. I figure that Freud can’t help me much if I don’t just put it all out there with as much honesty as possible.

 

So here, for those who haven’t read my blog in its entirety (And if you haven’t, why not? It’s fascinating and sickening all rolled into one, if I do say so myself), is a synopsis similar to the one I gave Freud. The History of J & me in a nutshell:

 

1977 – J & I start dating while in high school. (Yes, I really am that old. Shut up.)

 

1979 – I start college. J stays home with one more year of high school. J remains my “at home boyfriend” while I enjoy dating life on a major college campus

 

1983 – I graduate the first time from college and am “engaged” to a guy there although nobody knows of our engagement except him and me. I continue dating J when I’m home.

 

1984 – I graduate from college again, am still “engaged” and still dating J as well as a couple of others in other parts of the country (I travelled for work so it was easy to keep different guys different places).

 

1985 – Getting a bit tired of the “fiancé” but never broke it off, still dating J as well and starting to put a bit of pressure on J that perhaps we should get married and start a family. J says he’s not ready. I meet W and well, made one of the worst decisions of my life and ran off to CA with him without goodbyes to anybody.

 

1988 – Marry W after his divorce is final. Shortly thereafter receive letter from J saying that he’s now ready to get married and asks me to come back to him. Cry profusely as I read his letter and as I write one back to him telling him of my marriage. Felt absolutely trapped and unable to get out of the marriage to W because I was halfway across the country, estranged from my family, and totally dependent (at that time) on W financially.

 

~~~~~~and for many years W and TS live a life of ups and downs, goods and bads, adopted N~~~~~

 

2000 or so – God bless the interwebs and Classmates.com. I start to reconnect with high school buddies. Email back and forth with J a few times, just general catching up on what all has happened with marriages, children, jobs, and whatnot. And that’s it, for now.

 

2003 – Moved back to Midwest, within 80 miles of J, but no contact.

 

2004 – High school reunion. Made plans to go. Contacted J. He still lived in town and wanted to get together. I said sure maybe our families could have lunch together or something. He said no, how about just you and me? I said no. I got scared of what I might do and made up an excuse not to go to the reunion.

 

2006 – J contacts me, and we start flirting via email, then via phone, then in person, all leading to finally crossing the line “all the way” and have sex with one another for the first time ever (That's right people.  We dated several years in our teens and twenties and not once did we have sex.  Not that I wasn't willing.  He was just terrified of getting me pregnant, which sounds pretty funny now considering how "broken" the female parts turned out to be, like happened to his brother and his brother's girlfriend.  Lack of a sex life with J may have played a part in my dating a lot of others during those years.  Not that it excuses my behavior, just partially explains it.)

 

2007-Current – J and I carry on an ongoing emotional, and occasionally physical, affair throughout the BJ years and the W and me "reconciliation" and everything else.

  

Whew! Even condensed that is one damned long story.

  

Okay, hopefully in the next few days I’ll have a chance to write more and go into our actual discussion, short as it was. What great insights did Freud have to offer? What suggestions did he have for abolishing the crazy from my brain? What are my plans for Thanksgiving? This and more in our next episode…

Let Us Give Thanks

Thank goodness I see Freud today instead of the usual Wednesday (thanks Thanksgiving for making this shift necessary long in advance before I knew what a state I'd be in today).

J is playing me.  J is playing me really, really well.  Even though I can see he's playing me I am hanging in there.  I hang in because J gives me jussssssssssssst enough to make me delude myself that there's a chance.  Oh yes, J is playing me like a well tuned fiddle, and I keep letting it happen.

And now... now I'm starting to have stalkerish thoughts about J.  C'mon Trueself, do not turn into a stalker.  Do not go that crazy.  Given that J is a corrections officer and knows how to deal with scary criminal types, I really do not need to go all stalkerish crazy on him.  Really bad idea.  Really bad...

Since Friday night, I have thought of nothing except what I want to talk to Freud about today.  Too bad we only have an hour...

Well...

That was just about as unsatisfying as it could possibly have been.

Why am I surprised? I should have known. Yet for some unknown reason I always hope.

Idiot.

Back on My Meds

Yes, I went back on my meds as soon as I posted that I was off of them. It was a bit of a wakeup call that I saw myself devolving into someone I don’t want to be.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m still spending this Friday with J. I don’t have to be insane to want some companionship. What I have done though is come around to a saner way of thinking about our relationship. It is what it is, no more, no less, and I need to stop trying to make it something it isn’t.

----------------DEEP BREATH---------------

Given the prominence of the topic of infidelity in the news lately, I too have been mulling over the whole issue of infidelity in general and in my life particularly.

I have come to the conclusion that there are far fewer men who haven’t cheated than those who have. Not only that, I think that anybody, man or woman, who has cheated or even come really darned close to cheating should stop getting all judgmental on others who cheat.

Do they think that if they don’t feign shock and dismay over the infidelities of others that it will make it appear that they too might be cheaters? Is it the guilty conscience that gets to them and causes them to condemn others for the very sin of which they are guilty?

I can’t do it. I can’t judge others’ behavior. I don’t care what you do on the down low. I really don’t. As long as you aren’t making a public spectacle of yourself and aren’t hurting your friends and family then I’m perfectly happy to live my own life and work on my own flaws and let you do the same.

I have more to say, but I'm out of time for now.  Darn it that life keeps getting in the way of my blogging.

I Don't Get It

J, like most men to me, is a mystery.  I have no idea what is in his head most of the time.

What is scary is that I think we are the essence of the cliche, the old joke that goes something like this:

Her side:
He got in the car and didn't say anything, and then when I asked about going to the party he said "sure" but he had a far away look, like something else was on his mind.  Then I saw the cute bouncy blonde from down the street walking by.  Oh sure, was gazing at her.  Look at that little smile.  That's what had his attention.  I knew it.  I knew he was hiding something.  I'll bet he has something going on with her.  Of course he does.  Why else would he look at her that way.  What a jerk!  He isn't interested at all in me anymore, just her.  Okay, that's it!  I'm done.  I am sooooo out of here.

His side:
When we got in the car and she asked about the party I said "sure."  I was preoccupied with how I had ended up at the bottom of the league in fantasy football this week.  Then I thought of the perfect trade I'd just made and how much better off I'll be after next week's games.  Yeah that brought a smile to my face.  Wait?  She's leaving?  What'd I say? What'd I do?

I know I didn't tell it well, but you get the idea.  Women go around making up stuff in their heads while the guys are just going along without a clue what the woman is thinking or why.

That's me with J.  He leaves so many information gaps that I fill them, and I fill them in the most paranoid and negative ways.  Of course, then I turn right around and fill them in the most overly optimistic and naive ways.  For a while I'll think how he hates me, how he only wants me for the occasional booty call, that he'd really rather be with anybody but me if only he could.  Then I'll switch around, convinced that his love for me is so strong that he puts up walls to protect himself lest I hurt him like I did twenty some years ago.  Now, the truth probably doesn't lie on either end of the spectrum.  As far as I can tell, I'll never know for sure.

I overanalyze everything. 
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when she left him. 
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when he started asking me to meet up with him a month or so ago.
He didn't tell me his wife left him in July when I chatted with him one Saturday not long ago and lamented that he couldn't meet me in ST2 when I was there by myself for a good part of a day.
 
He finally told me when we were talking on the phone while I drove home that evening but only because I started asking many pointed questions because I couldn't figure out how he could get away with spending so much time talking and texting with me that day without it causing problems with his wife. 
I asked him why he was able to talk so much that day.  He told me she wasn't home. 
I asked if she was working or out having fun.  He told me she was at her mother's. 
I asked if she was just there for the day or longer.  He told me she'd been there since July.
I asked why he didn't tell me this sooner.  He told me it isn't the kind of thing you just tell somebody in an email or a text message.
I asked why he told me that day he couldn't meet me in ST2.  He told me that he didn't have gas money plus he had lent his car to his neighbor.

WTF?  I have spent the time since then concocting all sorts of stories in my head that would explain all this.  I'm sure none of them is right, but I also fear that the real explanation is one that I would not like. That fear and uncertainty is just eating me up. 

Why don't people just say whatever it is they want to say?  Why don't they just cut the crap and get right down to it?  Why is it better to leave someone wondering than to just come out with it, whatever it is?  I'm not saying people ought to be rude or mean, but there are polite and tactful ways of saying things, even negative things.

If all you want from me is a booty call, then just say so.  Say so, and then I can deal with it.  If you want to be with me in a real relationship but just see too many obstacles, then just say so.  Say so, and then we can deal with those obstacles together.  If you want to drive me crazy, then just keep on doing what you're doing.  Keep doing what you're doing, and then I will probably go batshit fucking nuts.

Cue The Theme from Dudley Do Right

I like me much better when I don't indulge in melodrama.

Right now, I'm not liking myself so much...

Spin Cycle

What does it look like to spin slowly out of control, watching yourself as though all is traveling in slow motion?  It looks exactly like what I am doing. 

It is the darnedest thing.  Here I am, spiralling downward, watching myself spiralling downward, wanting to save myself from spiraling downward, but also wanting to just keep going anyway, keep heading in this same direction, keep on heading toward what surely must be disaster. 

Yet there is this part of me that just keeps saying to myself that if I could just get J and I to work as a couple, as a relationship, as US, that all would be well and good.  I know that isn't true and yet I just want to believe it soooooooooo badly.

How many times in life do I say "If only [X] then [Y]" to be proven wrong time after time?

If only I lost weight, I would be happy.
Nope.  Didn't improve my outlook at all.  As a matter of fact I suffered my worst bout of depression when I was at my lowest weight in years.  No correlation between weight and happiness.

If only I had a different job, my attitude would be better.
Nope.  The job doesn't matter.  The attitude comes from within not from outside.

If only J and I were together, everything would be great.
Nope.  I am quite certain that if J and I were together things would be good sometimes and bad sometimes. Sometimes I would be happier than now, sometimes sadder.

What it all comes down to is that I just spend much to much of my time wanting what I cannot have and do not need.  I need to buck up and accept what I have and let go of what I don't and just let things be what they are.  And by golly, right now I am fighting that every step of the way.  I am my own worst enemy.