Thursday, November 13, 2008

Therapy in a Blog Post

Let me start by saying that I know that this is what I wanted. I wanted W and me to split up. I wanted us to move on without each other. I wanted us to go our separate ways. Goodness knows I have had my share of male companionship both before and after he moved out. I know, I know, I know.

Yet the feelings I have about his relationship with Q are all too real. I don’t want him back. That isn’t at all a part of the feeling. However, I felt like we were reaching a kind of even keel, a place where I was comfortable, a place where we were cooperating and working together for N’s best interests. Now we’ve gone from him telling me about Q just over a week ago to her staying at his apartment, being introduced to N and me, all in what feels like a whirlwind time frame. It has all left me somewhat breathless.

I’m sure if you asked W he would claim that I am no more knocked off kilter than he was when I finally asked him to move out of the house, or when I introduced him to BJ when we all met at a local street festival. I’m sure that he would claim introducing N to Q is no different than me introducing N to BJ. In many ways, he would be right.

Right or wrong, this has me reeling. I was just getting my mind wrapped around the idea of W with a new lady and had just talked to my counselor on Tuesday night about the best way to introduce N to her and to broach the subject at some later point about both BJ and Q becoming more permanent fixtures in our little world. My counselor helped me with a strategy for approaching W to talk it over and for the two of us together to sit down with N and talk to him about these changes in family dynamics.

Then BOOM! I go to pick N up from W’s apartment after work yesterday, and there they are, all three of them, W, N and Q, all together. I have no warning. I am not prepared. I am caught quite off guard. W, in his usual polite way, makes no move to introduce Q and me to one another so Q introduces herself to me. For the rest of the time I was there she talked incessantly even when I was trying to deal with some practical issues with W that needed attending. She interjected her opinion when W chastised me for letting N wear a hoodie instead of his winter coat yesterday. She interjected when I asked W about whether he wanted to make a purchase for N’s school fundraiser. She offered her opinion on every little thing until I just wanted to flee the scene as soon as possible. I stopped talking pretty much altogether other than to say we really must get home now. It was clear that I could not have any discussion with W in Q’s presence. It was equally clear to me that she was trying way too hard, possibly out of nerves or maybe it’s just how she is. I don’t know. For now, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, it’s got to be nerves when a person feels compelled to give their best Alvin and the Chipmunks impersonation within moments of meeting her boyfriend’s soon to be ex-wife. Right?

One thing the counselor had said to me was that N would pick up his cues from me on how to react to W’s new relationship, and I thought of that as I was there and afterwards as we drove home. I never let N see anything but positive or neutral reaction from me towards the situation. He asked me in the car if this meant that he was now going to have two moms and two dads. I told him I didn’t know what his dad’s plans are with Q, and he would have to ask his dad. I told him I didn’t know much about the situation or about Q. N told me he didn’t either.

Oh, and I named her Q for the blog because I just feel like everything I feel about her right now is just one big QUESTION.

But you know what? Here’s the thing. No matter what we’re going through right now, and no matter how tough it gets or what feelings I have about it, I still feel that W and me not being together is the right thing. Things are much more peaceful for me without him. I am proving to myself every day that I can handle so much more (including the big ugly bug in the bathtub recently, which was handled very effectively by drowning and then using copious amounts of toilet tissue to gingerly lift its dead carcass out of the tub and deposit it in the trash) than I thought I could ever do. I am able to continue on by myself. I do not need W as I once thought that I did. Had I not been so needy it would have been infinitely easier for me to leave W. Q coming into the picture has shaken me largely because it takes away a fallback position for me. If I had to I could turn to W for help. With Q in the picture I can’t really do that anymore. Truth be told, I shouldn’t have seen W that way anyway. If I’m going to be on my own, I need to be on my own, not leaning on my soon to be ex for advice and assistance when things break at the house or when I don’t know how to do something.

Amazing what a little thinking and a little writing out those thoughts can do for a person. Rereading this I can see movement from a not so good place to a better place as I worked my through this to write about it. Blogging as therapy. What a concept.


Fusion said...

Q probably is nervous, but needs to know that when you and W are talking about things pertaining to N, silence is golden...

Blogging has always been my therapy, saves me a bundle.

Trueself said...

Fuse - I like how you worded that, and I'm going to use it when talking to W about the situation. Thanks!