Friday, April 04, 2008

What It Took/Takes/Will Take

It took a lot for me to admit that my marriage had to end. I’m not sure it ever would have ended if not for the “BJ insanity” that hit a while back. It was only then that I realized just how important it was to end my marriage, to make myself free and available for legitimate love and life. I mentioned that in this post. It has taken a while though for that lesson to really sink into my pea brain, but it jumps first and foremost in my thoughts whenever I’ve considered backing down from splitting with W. If there were no BJ, if the prospect was that I would be all alone for a while, maybe a good long while, I would still choose that over staying with W. I have enjoyed too much that taste of freedom.

I still consider myself to be something of a failure due to the failed marriage. As usual, I take on the weight of the world and count myself as the one that should have done more, been different, acted better, or whatever. It always comes back to me and what I didn’t do right when I analyze the situation. Somehow I believe that if I did the right thing, made the right choices, said the right words that I could have made it all better.

Arrogance! That’s what that attitude is. I don’t have that kind of power. I can change no one but myself. I can’t “make” anyone do anything. They have their choices to make, and they make them. What I’m trying to say is that I’m trying not to see myself as a failure just because the marriage was a failure. I’m also saying that I’m not yet convinced of that, but I’m working on it. I’m not yet convinced that it is not a weakness and a moral failing that I was unable to maintain celibacy for the sake of my marriage. I’m not yet convinced that had I been a better mother, perhaps W would have been a better father. I’m not yet convinced that I didn’t somehow hold the key to making myself live happily in that marriage and that I refused to look for that key hard enough and long enough. I must work on that attitude, that arrogance that tells me that I can do it all, make whatever impact I desire wherever I go.

And then, what of the future? What will it take for me to really trust BJ again? What will it take to make me open my heart fully and stop keeping a thin but ever present wall there between us? What will it take for me to stop reading negativity between the lines of every conversation he and I have? What will it take to convince me to stop looking over my shoulder to see what temptation may lure him away next? What will it take to get me to relax with him and trust him and believe him when he says that he will earn my trust back?


Andrea said...

What will it take to get me to relax with him and trust him and believe him when he says that he will earn my trust back?

Time, in all it's simplicity, the answer is time. Unfortunately, we have very little control of how quickly it may or may not pass. I am sorry this has been so hard for you. Take strength in knowing there are better days to come.

Bunny said...

You are not a failure. You and W both failed at this marriage, but one failure cannot taint your entire being nor his. No one is perfect at everything and you sure gave this one all you could. You'll always wonder "what if" but you can't change the past so there is no point dwelling on it.

As for trusting BJ again, I am definitely not the right person to ask! No one who has betrayed me has ever earned my trust back. I count that as a character flaw in myself. I try my damnedest to let go, but a little part of me never does. That's how my engagement to my college sweetheart ended. I never forgave him for lying to me about something, even though it happened two years before we even got engaged. I just never fully trusted him again. I believe that you are a better person than I am and will be able to fully forgive and trust again. I pray that you will.

freebird said...

Wooooo-woooooo, parallel universe at work again here TS!
I won't bother writing a post - I'll just send people over here! LOL

Seriously though, yes, Andrea's got it - time, dear TS, time.

Val said...

Wow -- I can relate sistah!
But I steadfastly try not to let the "failure" perspective get me down...

Trueself said...

Andrea - Yes indeed, time is definitely a piece of what it will take. Time and seeing over time that he has become trustworthy.

Bunny - I did try to give this one my all. Unfortunately, my all just wasn't enough for this situation.

FB - So glad I could write your story as well as mine. LOL

Val - Good for you. Don't let the "failure" perspective get to you. It only gets me in my low moments, and thankfully those are fewer every day.

Emily said...

Just because you you fail at something, however important, it doesn't mean that YOU are a failure. Faiilure is something we do, it isn't something we are.

But I can be hard on myself, too.

One thing that helps me when I am in this mode is asking myself what I would think of someone else in the same situation. Inevitably, I think of that person as just human and have plenty of compassion for their situation, which helps me to direct just a little of that compassion to myself.