Unconscious Mutterings: Week 378

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Hell :: fire and damnation
2. Scott :: Garrelts (former SF Giants pitcher)
3. Dominion :: Power
4. Stunt :: double
5. Cougar :: Me! Bwahahahahaha
6. Columbia :: University
7. Gasp :: Sputter, choke
8. Cancerous :: lesion
9. Bitty :: Itty
10. Quit :: that right now!

Thursday Therapy: I’m Not 50. . . Yet

Okay, so I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while. Looking at my last post it’s been almost a month, and that wasn’t much of a post either. So is anything wrong? Have I succumbed to some physical/emotional/mental ailment? Have I fallen from the face of the Earth? Have I been incarcerated? Was I marooned on a desert island? Where the hell have I been? Or did nobody even miss me?

The truth is the explanation for my absence is twofold. First, and this is good news, my job is now occupying virtually all of my “at work” time. Instead of being bored by little work and little challenge I am now challenged on a daily basis with engaging assignments that leave little time for random internet tomfoolery. Second, and this is also good news, I am doing well in most aspects of my life right now. A calm and steady life does not make good blog fodder. However, I do need to still journal here occasionally. I find I learn a lot by rereading old posts of mine and sometimes get a well needed reminder of some lesson learned along the way but perhaps forgotten.

Being that it’s Thursday and that I just had my appointment with Freud on Tuesday it seems fitting to settle back into the routine with a Thursday Therapy post.

Freud pretty much summed up our last session this way: “When a client is bombarded with stress from multiple places I worry some when I hear from them that they are coping by drinking a bit more or indulging in some other self-destructive behavior, but when you say you’re coping by becoming more involved in church that seems like a pretty healthy option.” And yes, without even thinking about it as a healthy choice that’s what I’ve been doing lately – becoming more plugged into church and church activities, trying to develop a foundation, or a net if you will, to have something beneath me, supporting me, making it possible for me to feel that I have a support system upon which I can call when things are tough. (Wow! That was one long and convoluted sentence. No time nor energy to go back though and fix sentence structure. Live with it.) I suppose that’s not the worst coping strategy a person could choose. ;-)

I love my sessions with Freud. He has a way of reframing things so that I see things through different glasses. He points out to me all the good things I’m doing. He is the best boost to my self esteem that I believe I have ever had. I see him as an impartial party who calls ‘em as he sees ‘em. He doesn’t hesitate to point out things I’m doing that aren’t good for me so I do feel that he is honest in his assessments, doling out the good and the bad as needed.

He’s working on me to stop being so hard on myself all the time. I am way too good at beating myself up, quite the expert at the negative self talk. In some ways, it is a self defense mechanism. If I criticize myself harshly, the theory goes, then there’s hardly room for others to do so. However, I’ve been so good at it that I believed my own hype – I’m stupid, I’m lazy, I’m not a good _______ (insert noun of choice here), I’m an idiot, I’ll never be good enough. Beating yourself up can really beat you down.

But things are looking up. Nothing in my surroundings has changed so awfully much – all the same people doing all the same things – but my attitude is a thousand times better. I really believe that I, with help from therapy and pharmaceuticals, am kicking the depression to the curb. I am taking things on with a more positive attitude and looking at things with an eye for how the worst case scenario isn’t really all that bad while believing the worst case scenario isn’t all that likely either.

So my boss is still a jerk, but at least I have interesting work and have a job that I’m not likely to lose unless the company experiences mass layoffs in which case I would be eligible for unemployment. Not so bad, right? So W is still W, still struggling off and on with health issues that look like they could be fatal but never are, but at least I have changed my attitude to towards him and have found ways to make myself content, for the most part, to care for him for the remainder of his life. So W is still W and saying things that are wholly inappropriate to N and to others, but at least I have found the peace to allow those things to reflect badly on him rather than us. So M is probably moving a couple of hours away within a few months, but at least I’ve learned from my relationship with him that it is possible not to have to have a romantic attraction to someone in order to have a quite fulfilling physical relationship.

So I share my birthday with Earth Day, and I’ve been around longer than Earth Day which I think means I’m older than dirt. However, by looking on the bright side I am adopting as my slogan for the upcoming year:
“I’m still not 50. . . yet.”

Unconscious Mutterings, Week 374

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Bow out :: Gracefully
2. Relationships :: are hard work
3. Facebook :: not my thing
4. Items :: checkout
5. Ours :: theirs
6. Sting :: bee
7. Hangover :: headache
8. Contacts :: eyes
9. Lonely :: me
10. Seven days :: week

Sorry readers, if I have any left, I'll be back soon. Between March Madness and this week being Holy Week I just haven't had the time to blog for real lately. Maybe a bit of a Thursday Therapy post this week if I can find the time, but I should definitely be back to blogging next week. I hope. . .

Unconscious Mutterings, Week 373

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Burrito :: Grande
2. Spike :: Ryan and Kendall’s boy
3. Tougher :: Weaker
4. Mock :: Make fun of
5. Slurp :: Sloppy
6. Knock :: Down
7. Conference :: Champions
8. Madness :: March
9. Minds :: are a terrible thing to waste
10. Connection :: Outlet

Just One of Those Moments

The other evening during dinner, N was pulling on the waistband of his pants. W and I both noticed.

W: What are you doing?
N: Making room so I can eat more.
TS: Oh, I thought you were looking for something in there.
N: You thought I wanted to show off my package? My package is so big it takes two UPS trucks to carry it.

Dinner resumed some time later when we all managed to stop laughing.

Thursday Therapy: MARCH MADNESS edition

It is March. It is that most wonderful time of the year during which I become glued to the TV each and every weekend until the championship game on the first Monday of April.

It may be a form of madness. It may be denial that my beloved Illini totally suck this year. It may be eternal hope that in spite of their suckitude I hope for an NIT championship for my boys. It may be compassion that causes me to cheer for the other Big Ten teams as they battle in the Big Dance. It may just be that I have completely and totally lost my little mind because so far I have picked all seven winners in the games that have already finished today, leaving me in the running for a tidy little pot o' gold (or some crisp green bills) at the end of the rainbow.

You wanted a real Thursday Therapy post? Probably oughta go back and read yesterday's entry. It was more nearly the type post I normally due for TT.

Anyway, I'll be back to real life after the tournaments are over. Until then, get off the internet and go turn on CBS! That's where all the good stuff is happening.

Go!

Now!

So. . . . . . .

What’s new in Trueself’s life? Not much. . . And lots. . .

If you were to look at me you wouldn’t see any change at all. Oh sure, my hair is longer than it’s been in a long, long time, but other than that same old Trueself.

What is different maybe is all inside of me . . . a new attitude for one thing . . . and that’s a big thing right there . . . and maybe the intention to live a bit more genuinely . . . to be the real me. That last part is just something I’m working on and am certainly not achieving with any consistency just yet.

I have this long history of going through a certain cycle over and over and over again. It goes something like this:
Step #1: TS gets really interested in a certain activity/cause/project.
Step #2: TS learns all she can about this interest and builds much enthusiasm.
Step #3: TS gets ideas about becoming more involved and in helping in some form of leadership position in an organization dealing with this interest.
Step #4: TS shares her plans with people who are important to her.
Step #5: TS gets shot down by people important to her as they remind her that this will require a lot of commitment and time and energy, that it won’t be easy, and they will discourage her participation.
Step #6: TS reminds herself of what a failure she is and decides she better not try because she will surely fail anyway.
Step #7: TS mopes while those around her encourage her to “be happy” and remind her how good she has it and how much easier her life is without the hassles of the thing she wanted to do.
Step #8: TS finally shakes herself out of her funk, starts to feel better and starts taking interest in life again.
Step #9: Return to Step #1 and cycle through again.

I have lived far too long being afraid to do the things I want to do just because I don’t get the support of those close to me, most notably my parents as I was growing up (well, and even in my adult years when I’ve chosen to share with them; is it any wonder that I don’t very often?) My parents always took it upon themselves to bring me back down to earth whenever I tried to have “grandiose plans.” They discouraged me from being too independent and tried to rein me in so that I could be protected from disappointment in case I failed. As long as you don’t try you can’t fail. You can live with the belief that if only you had made that effort you would have succeeded.

My parents never believed in the method of learning that requires sacrifice, hard work, failure, or bravery. They believed in providing their children with the easy life, the life they had not had the fortune to have when they were growing up. I never learned from them the lesson that “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” Instead they taught that you shouldn’t have to fight for things, and the more you accepted the way things are the less you would feel the need to fight for anything. They never taught me that “one person can make a difference.” Instead they taught me that one person is pretty helpless, and while it’s “cute” to get all worked up about a cause it isn’t worth the effort to really do anything about it because it isn’t going to change anyway.

Anyway . . . all this whining simply brings me to now, the point at which I have reached the point where I feel ready to stop repeating the never ending cycle. The steps from #6 on must change. Oh I know you’re going to say “Why not just eliminate step #4 so that you don’t give anyone the chance to bring you down?” Good question, and I have an answer. Even if I don’t tell them, and sometimes I don’t, they eventually find out and continue on with step #5. Therefore, I am working to change the remainder of steps to something like:
Step #6: TS reminds herself of what a failure she is and decides she better not try because she will surely fail anyway.that she is quite capable and should give it a try because even if she fails she will learn something from the experience that will help her as she goes on through life.
Step #7: TS mopes while those around her encourage her to “be happy” and remind her how good she has it and how much easier her life is without the hassles of the thing she wanted to do. thanks those who provide input, but reminds herself that she is quite capable and can be happier if she tries than if she gives up.
Step #8: TS finally shakes herself out of her funk, starts to feel better and starts taking interest in life again.gives herself the chance to try, assesses throughout how she’s doing, learns from her triumphs and failures, and keeps growing.
Step #9: Return to Step #1 and cycle through again.

That’s where I am now. I am trying to change the cycle. I am heading up the adult education team at church and representing the church on a local LGBTQA community resource group. I am becoming involved in activities and causes which are of particular interest to me. I have completed step #3, and am ready to deal with whatever fallout there may be from step #4, whether step #5 is criticism from readers here, my parents, W or anyone else with whom I may share. And when I feel myself falling into the old cycle I’ll come back here and reread this post and remind myself that I am capable and that even if I fail I can learn from it and become better from it.

Unconscious Mutterings: Week 372

I used to do this meme on a regular basis on my private blog. It's quick and generally pretty easy. I think for now I'm going to probably replace Sunday Stealing with Unconscious Mutterings. This week, you lucky reader you, get both.

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. Children :: Joy
2. Saddlebags :: Motorcycle
3. Restraint :: Wild Abandon
4. Awake :: Asleep
5. Blood :: Sweat and Tears
6. Shutter :: Window
7. Posted :: No Trespassing
8. Corn cob :: Pipe
9. Flagrant :: Foul
10. Fart :: Disgusting

Sunday Stealing: Judd's Merged Meme

I didn't do last week's edition of Sunday Stealing. I wasn't sure if I would do this week's, but when I went and looked it over I decided to give it a go. Although some questions are ones I've previously answered there were enough new ones with some meat to chew on to make it worth my while. Besides it buys me a little time while I write a real post (and there is one just itching to get written).


1. What were you doing 10 years ago? Let’s see, 10 years ago I was working in my dream job, making more money than I make now, in a company half a country away from where I am now, and was mom to a one year old. I hadn’t totally given up on W yet back then. Life was pretty darned good.

2. Five snacks that you enjoy in a perfect, non weight-gaining world:

1. Fritos with nacho cheese dip
2. Chocolate peanut butter ice cream (preferably from Baskin Robbins)
3. Giant soft jalapeño cheese pretzels
4. Deep fried mushrooms and zucchini with ranch dip
5. Mozzarella sticks with marinara dip

3. Five things you would do if you were a billionaire:

1. Set up an educational trust fund for N
2. Divorce W and give him a generous settlement
3. Remodel my house
4. Donate to my church and several favorite charities
5. Buy exactly the car I want after choosing one based on thoroughly researching my options

4. Three of your habits:

1. Drinking mass quantities of coffee
2. Obsessively checking Twitter
3. Playing with my hair, especially when it’s long like it is now

5. Five jobs that you've had:

1. Babysitter
2. Test tube washer
3. Concession stand worker
4. Auditor
5. Accountant

6. Five places that you've lived:

1. My parents’ house
2. College dorm
3. My Apartment
4. My Mobile Home
5. My House

7. Five things that you did yesterday:

1. Went to church
2. Got a mocha at a local coffee shop
3. Read the newspaper
4. Took a nap
5. Watched the NCAA tournament selection show (which was, of course, a total waste of time since the Illini didn’t make it, and no don’t even try to console me with the fact that the Illini are a #1 seed in the NIT. Nobody cares about the NIT. The NIT is for also rans, losers, craptastic teams without what it takes to get to the big dance. Either the Illini make the NCAA next year or even I will be calling for Coach Weber’s head.)

8. Five people you would want to get to know more about:
(Let me preface by saying these are people I would want to get to know personally, not just reading up on them)

1. Barrack Obama
2. Paula Poundstone
3. Wanda Sykes
4. Bill Maher
5. Johnny Depp

9. Abortion: for or against it? I think it is up to every individual to choose for themselves. I am not against people choosing abortion. If they think it is the right thing for them to do in their circumstances then I don’t think that I, or anyone else, should impose my will upon them.

10. Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
Seriously? Is this even seriously in question anymore? I scarcely think a female president could fuck up the world any worse than the male ones have.

11. Do you believe in the death penalty? Absolutely not. As long as there is the slightest chance that an innocent person could be executed the death penalty should never be an option.

12. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? It really makes no difference to me personally one way or another. However, if we allow alcohol to be legal then it seems silly to criminalize marijuana. Drunks seem a hell of a lot more dangerous to themselves and others than potheads do.

13. Are you for or against premarital sex? Again I think this is a personal choice. I think it should not be entered into lightly, but I also don’t think that a couple is going to hell just because they didn’t wait for the wedding night to consummate their relationship. Also, I would much rather a couple have premarital sex rather than marry too young just because they think they have to marry to have sex. Notice I’m answering this question very narrowly, limiting myself to premarital sex, using a pretty narrow definition of premarital. My answer may have been somewhat different if the question had been worded differently.

14. Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely! Gays should have just as much right to screw up their lives as the rest of us do. In spite of the flippancy of that last sentence I do believe strongly in allowing same gender couples to have the same rights and privileges as different gender couples. As a matter of fact, I have recently become a member of the leadership committee of a local organization dedicated to providing community resources to the LGBTQA population in our area.

15. Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA? Well, it is wrong in the sense that anything illegal is wrong. However, having personally known a few and even helping a couple once they were here, I cannot see that morally it was in any way wrong for them to do what they did.

16. Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.

17. Should the war in Iraq be called off? Well, you can’t just call it off once you are there. It is a very tricky thing to get out gracefully once you’ve gone in with an iron fist. I certainly think, though, that we should be working toward getting out with as much alacrity as possible.

18. Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree? I agree that it is currently illegal. I’m kind of on the fence about whether it ought to be or not. I see both sides of the argument and haven’t really come down on either just yet; still wrangling with this one.

19. Do you believe in spanking your children? In general, no. However, I have spanked N. The only thing I ever spanked him for was climbing on the glass coffee table. After unsuccessfully trying several other ways to keep him from climbing on it, I told him that from then on whenever he climbed onto the table he would get a spanking. He climbed on it twice more, both times with a smack on his diapered butt as a consequence, and he left it alone ever after.

20. Do you worry that others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Nothing I’ve shared here is any worse than things I’ve shared previously on my blog. Judge as you will. You always do.

Breaking News

This just in:

Illinois beat Wisconsin today in the Big Ten Tournament.

This gives Illinois an actual shot at making the NCAA Tournament.

Also, it means Illinois gets the pleasure of playing against Ohio St. in the next round of the Big Ten Tournament.


March Madness is just getting under way my friends. It'll all be over much too soon so enjoy it while you can.

Thursday Therapy: Idling in Neutral

This past week is one of those times when I feel like I’ve just had the gear in neutral and have idled. I don’t think this is a bad thing. It is sometimes necessary during any process to just take some time and space for nothing. Even God took the seventh day off. Not only that, He then included it in one of His commandments to us. Time off – a necessary part of life and all the processes therein.

Consequently, I don’t feel like I have a lot to talk about here this week. One never knows though until getting into the flow of the writing though where it will go or what and how much ground may be covered. Most all of my posting is just stream of consciousness stuff. Let’s see where the stream leads today.

Last Friday, I met with a journalist who is working on a story about women like me. Specifically, she is writing about moms who cheat. She had put out the call on Twitter, and I responded. We met for only an hour, not nearly enough time to cover everything but enough time I think to cover the basics of how it started and a lot about J and how that relationship continues on a sporadic basis today. Also, she’s read some of my blog so she wasn’t entirely unaware of me and my less than stellar side. It felt brave in some ways to talk to someone IRL who hasn’t been part of my little circle of imaginary internet friends about that side of me. It was a little scary, but Mrs. Chicken couldn’t have been nicer. Having followed her blog for a while I knew she would be. I’m looking forward to reading her article when she completes it and will most likely share a link to it here so you can read it too.

Talking on Friday felt like the start of the idling process, it kicked off a period of just kind of reflecting and reviewing for myself how I’ve come to be here, at this point, now. This was followed by a weekend filled with N and me activities which left little time for me to be me or ruminate on being me or whatever.

Tuesday should have seen me in session with Freud, but I canceled. I haven’t yet decided what I think of my reason for canceling. I waver between feeling justified and feeling that I was weaseling out of an uncomfortable situation. The fact of the matter is that instead of meeting with Freud I met with my pastor, not in any therapeutic sort of way, but to discuss adult education matters within the church. We had been trying to schedule a time to have lunch to have this discussion for about three weeks. Tuesday worked for the pastor but it conflicted with my appointment with Freud. Rather than postpone our meeting further I canceled Freud in order to have lunch with the pastor. At this point, it is what it is so I’m not giving it much further thought but will just move forward with no intent of canceling future appointments with Freud.

For right now, I’m living the words of Scarlett O’Hara:

I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow.

After all... tomorrow is another day.

Just a Quickie

Emotions are swarming like gnats in autumn. I know it is at least partially due to hormones, but it isn't all about that. There's other shit too.

I am, in spite of some contradictions within, all of the following:

Angry

Sad

Frustrated

Giddy

Energetic

Anxious

Tense

Happy

Hopeful

Confused

Uncertain



I feel like a slingshot that is poised for shooting, pulled taut, waiting until that moment when the tension will be released and the rock flung far into the future but not at all sure when that may be.

Shudder. . .

Thursday Therapy: Deflection

I am really good at one thing. Oh, there may be other things I’m good at in addition to this, but this one thing is what I’m talking about today. I am really good at deflection – the act of turning aside or off course according to the dictionary.

When I am trying to deal with my own issues it is very easy for me to turn aside or wander off course, particularly by analyzing other people’s behavior and issues. Oh, I’m a master at dissecting someone else’s behavior and the causes behind it and what they ought to do to change it.

I caught myself doing this very thing a lot this week, actually since last week’s therapy session. The newish coworker I’ve mentioned here several times (let’s call her D because I do believe she’ll appear here in my blog as a recurring player so she needs a letter all her own) before has been my most recent victim subject. It started fairly innocently. Then I went from one little thing to focusing more on her many problems (in my head only; of course I’m not one of those people that would talk to her and try to show her the error of her ways) than my own. It finally occurred to me that what I was doing here was deflecting, perhaps even projecting some by criticizing behavior in D that I don’t like in myself.

The sidetrack in my thinking started when I overanalyzed (What? Me? Overanalyze? Shocking!) something that Freud said in my last session with him. As we discussed my “need” for men in my life we were addressing what it was that a man in my life provided for me. One thing we came up with was that I feel that as long as I have a man in my life I have a safety net, someone who will take care of me if I can’t take care of myself. (How’s that workin’ for ya’ Trueself? Not so well Dr. Phil; now get out of my head.) I brought up something D had said to me one day as we were telling each other life stories (in the way that new friends do). She said to me “Oh no! You aren’t one of those women who always has to have a man in her life are you?” Well. . . yeah. . . as a matter of fact that’s exactly who I am. Freud said (I know I’m getting this all out of chronological order, but for the life of me I can’t really remember the proper order of how things were discussed.) something about D may have a support system outside of having a man in her life. (EPIPHANY As I write this I just now realize what I’m really in need of is a support system. It’s just that I’ve always defined support system as a man in my life. But it isn’t a man in my life that I need. It is a support system.) I replied that yes, in fact I know that she has a support system comprised of several of her siblings.

Anyway, thinking about the comparison between D and me I realized that from what she says she leans heavily on her siblings, one in particular, so much so in fact after being laid off she moved a few hundred miles to live in the same town with her sister. Even after getting a job that requires more than a one hour commute each way she continues to live in the same town as her sister rather than moving closer to her new job. So much for her being the pillar of independence. And this thinking led me from one thing to the next, analyzing a good bit of what she says and does, and were she to ask I could lay out an entire schematic of things that she could change to make herself into a better, more whole person.

Yeah, a whole week or more with way too much emphasis put towards fixing someone else when in fact there is nothing at all for me to do to fix D. I ain’t volunteering fixes that haven’t been asked for, and she ain’t asking. So. . . much. . . wasted time. . .

BUT. . .
Just having the epiphany above as I was writing has helped pull me just now back from the deflection and refocus efforts on things I can do for me, to make me a more whole person. What I need to do is a two pronged thing here: first, I need to work on my own self image and determine what I truly can depend on myself to handle while second, I need to work on developing a support system or perhaps to some extent just recognizing the support system I already have.

Maybe I don’t have to bear all the burdens all by myself.
Maybe there are ways to share those burdens in an appropriate way so that they aren’t so daunting to me.
Maybe I don’t have to be a lone wolf all my life.
Maybe I don’t have to give up being me in order to be part of the pack.
Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

Man of My Dreams

No, the title isn’t exactly leading into a post you would think it would. Nope. . . So stopping thinking that way. Right now. I insist. No, this post is about a dream I had last night and the man who appeared in it in a starring role.

This was one of those dreams that was very vivid, the kind that sticks with me afterwards as my conscious brain tries to work through what my subconscious brain was trying to tell me during the night.

The man, let’s call him Jake because I believe that was his name in my dream (or it might have been Jared or James or Jack, but it was a J name so Jake will do) in the dream seems to be someone with whom I am familiar and comfortable. However, Jake is not someone from my real life. Awake, I have no idea who I may have patterned him after. In my dream though we were obviously well acquainted prior to the start of the dream.

The Dream:
I arrive at a hotel suite (almost more like an apartment than hotel suite though in that it has a full kitchen and dining area) that I have reserved and for which I am paying. N is with me. W and several family members from W’s side of the family will be joining us there for Thanksgiving dinner. I notice with some frustration that this suite has an adjoining suite with only a short hallway, no door, separating them. Jake arrives at some point, but I am unclear now as to exactly when he appears in my dream.

One of the problems we have is that when we arrive, I discover that I have forgotten the suitcase in which most of N and my clothing is packed. We have only our overnight bag which contains toiletries, underwear and socks. I worry over this for a short time but then reason that surely W noticed and will bring our suitcase along with his when he comes. Later, when he arrives I learn that of course he has not brought our suitcase, just his. I express some frustration over this as does N.

Here is where the dream gets fuzzy to me. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I do know the TV was on and there was some disagreement over what to watch. My recollection of the dream continues at bedtime. By this time Jake is there, and it is clear that he is very much smitten with me. I also feel an attraction to him, but I know that I have to maintain my distance since W and N are there too. I am also aware of the people in the adjacent suite as I can hear conversation over there and again feel frustration that the only thing that separates us from them is common decency not to interfere with one another. I remember hoping they wouldn’t stay up too late and keep us awake.

While watching TV, we’re all (me, N, Jake and W) sitting on some large L-shaped sofa. At one point I’m more lying down than sitting. Jake swoops in to try to kiss me, but I push him away telling him to stop and thinking to myself that I don’t want to hurt W’s feelings by doing such things in front of him. I’m also hoping Jake doesn’t take it the wrong way, thinking that I don’t want to be with him because I do. It’s just that I want to show some respect for my marriage. (Hey, I know, but it’s a dream. Obviously my subconscious was at work here on me.)

Again fuzziness. We must’ve gone to sleep and slept through the night because the next thing I knew it was morning. W was in the bathroom showering or shaving or whatever. N was still asleep. Jake was lying next to me talking to me. He’s telling me how attracted he is to me and how he really wants us to be a bigger part of one another’s lives. I tell him I am flattered. I keep trying to act very coolly toward him as I know I have an obligation to my marriage, but inwardly I am dying to tell him how much I feel the same as he does.

Jake produces a ring from his pocket and asks me if I will marry him. He tells me that he knows that I can’t marry right away, but he wants us to be engaged. He wants us to be promised to one another and marry as soon as I can divorce W. I am blown away. I say yes, of course. We kiss. He gently slides the ring on my finger. Although I can’t see it clearly (maybe I don’t have my glasses on yet) it looks a little less delicate than I expected, but I choose not to think about it.

Soon it becomes quite busy. There is cooking to do and relatives start arriving. The suite is abuzz with activity. We try placing an olive green runner on the dining table but it is too short to run the length of the table. (I know, what a crazy detail but for some reason it stood out as a very important thing to me in the dream.) I decide we should use a tablecloth that I have, but then remember I’m not at home and don’t have it with me. We look in the cupboards in the suite and find an ugly rust orange plastic tablecloth and after some discussion we decide that we will use it.

It is during this dinner preparation time that I finally look at my engagement ring. It is, to be kind about it, butt ugly. It is a yellow gold wide band with four tiny diamonds(?), zirconia(?), crystals(?), paste(?), set in a gold parallelogram on the front of it. Hmm. . . This would not have been my choice, but then again of all the engagements rings I’ve had in my lifetime (and there are more than there ever should have been, trust me) I’ve only every had one that could be considered nice. I sigh and continue with dinner preparations.

Around this time one of the female relatives (and truly I don’t remember which one or if it is one that exists in real life or only in my dream) starts to talk to me about my engagement to Jake. Nothing at all came up about W, or the obvious need to accomplish the divorce from him prior to undertaking a new marriage. No, her focus was Jake and her concerns that he was leading me on and only intended for me as a cash cow. She stated that I didn’t know much about him, and as far as she was concerned he was looking forward to living off of my income, in my house, and not interested in the least in being my soulmate. I verbally disagreed with her, but I thought to myself that maybe the ugly cheap engagement ring was more than just bad taste. Maybe it reflected Jake’s lack of real interest in me other than financial.

I go out to the living room area and sit with Jake. We start to talk. He gives very evasive answers.

I woke up at this point and the details of this dream have been nagging at me all day long. They won’t let go. Maybe I’ll dream it again tonight, or pick up where I left off, or maybe it was just a one and done kind of dream. For whatever else it means, I do see that it reflects one of my basic fears – that I will never find a man who is interested in me unless I can provide financially for myself and possibly contribute to his living expenses too.

Sunday Stealing: Harriet's Choice: The Disney Meme

Hmmm. . . not a huge Disney fan so this should be really boring awful challenging. Not sure I even know for sure Disney films vs. other films so that could be entertaining for you as you read through the answers seeing my ignorance shining through. Also not sure I’ll even have answers for all the questions. Oh well, let’s give it a go, shall we? After all, how bad can it possibly be?

1. Which non-Disney Princess Disney Film is your favorite? Okay, I think I know this one – Toy Story.

2. Which Disney film makes you cry the most? Given that I cry super easily at movies I suppose a better question would be which films don’t make me cry? However, to answer the question as given I guess it would be Bambi. I mean how can you not cry when a mother is killed?

3. Which Disney film makes you the happiest? Mary Poppins

4. Which Disney film has the best music? The Lion King

5. Which Disney film has the best love story? Lady and the Tramp

6. Who is your favorite Disney Princess? None of them. They all make me kind of want to gag. Oh no, wait. That's not right. I like the princess in The Princess Diaries. That's a Disney movie, right?

7. Who is your favorite Disney Prince? None of them is definitely the right answer to this one.

8. Who is your favorite Disney animal sidekick? Eeyore. Okay, I know he's not exactly a sidekick, but he isn't a main character either so he fits here better than as an answer to the next question.

9. Who is your favorite Disney main character animal? Winnie the Pooh

10. Who is your favorite villain? I have no favorite villain. Villains are bad and evil. Therefore I do not like villains.

11. What is your favorite Disney song? Probably something from Mary Poppins.

12. What is your favorite Disney villian song? Villains have songs? Couldn’t prove it by me.

13. What is your favorite Disney animal song? Animal song? So like what, it’s about animals or sung by animals or what? I don’t know. This is too much for my little brain.

14. What is your favorite Disney Princess song? No favorite princess song.

15. What is your favorite Disney Prince song? See answer to prior question.

16. What is your favorite Disney Prince/Princess duet song? Are you effing kidding me? Nada, none, nothing.

17. What is your favorite Disney love song? Oh for pity’s sake, I don’t know.

I do believe this is the worst Sunday Stealing I’ve completed to date. Hopefully it is not indicative of future editions, or I just might have to dump Sunday Stealing and find some other mindless meme to complete weakly weekly.

Sunday Stealing: The Clown's Meme 2

Okay, so I thought I better get this posted prior to the next Sunday Stealing being due. So here's last week's edition which is a continuation of the prior Sunday's version.

34. What do you like about the summer? Sunshine, warmth, vacation

35. What do you like about spring? Flowers, my birthday, Easter

36. How many states provinces have you lived in? Four

37. What cities/towns have you lived in? Well now, if I shared that much detail I would essentially be outing myself. Let’s just say that in State #1 I’ve lived in five different cities/towns, in State #2 I’ve lived in three different cities/towns, in State #3 just one city, and State #4 four cities/towns. I have been something of a nomad.

38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Bare feet in warm weather, socks in cold weather, shoes are only for when it is absolutely necessary to conform with society or to keep one’s feet dry.

39. Are you a social person? Not really.

40. What was the last thing you ate? Pop Tarts

41. What is your favorite restaurant? Radio Maria for a nice dinner out, Papa Del’s for everyday

42. What is your favorite ice cream? Peanut Butter Chocolate

43. What is your favorite dessert? Hot fudge brownie sundae

44. What is your favorite kind of soup? Lentil

45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? Strawberry Jam

46. Do you like Chinese food? Not the greasy Americanized version, but real Chinese food yes.

47. Do you like coffee? Are you kidding me? I live for coffee.

48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? Not as many as I ought to drink, probably one or two.

49. What do you drink in the morning? Coffee, of course! How else would I wake myself up?

50. What non-banking related card in your wallet is the most valuable to you? Bus pass

51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? Not really, I pretty much sleep all over it.

52. Do you know how to play poker? Yes.

53. Do you like to cuddle? YES!!

54. Have you ever been to Canada? Nope.

55. Do you have an addictive personality? Yes.

56. Do you eat out or at home more often? At home.

57. What do you miss about high school, if anything? Marching band.

58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Not personally.

59. Do you want kids? Um, yes, that’s why I have one.

60. Do you speak any other languages? Español, un poquito solamente.

61. Have you ever gotten stitches? Yes, but only after surgery never from an injury.

62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Three times so far, and that’s plenty really.

63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? Pool for swimming, ocean for walking in the surf.

64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? Aisle.

65. Do you know how to drive stick? Not really. I can, but not well.

66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? I don’t really like to spend money. I like to save money. I suppose my favorite thing to spend money on would be travel. I do love to travel, although I like to do it as economically as possible.

Echoing in My Empty Brain

"We aren't like other families. We're so much better than they are because we don't drink, or cuss, or smoke cigarettes, and we go to church most Sundays."

"You'll never get a man to love you if you're too fat."

"You'll never get a man to marry you if you won't change your last name when you do."

"You're too idealistic. You can't change anything so don't waste your time trying."

"The only way you'll ever succeed in life is to learn to keep your mouth shut."

"Mind your own business." (said when I witnessed a man abusing a woman, both of whom I didn't know, in the alley by our house)

"You have to learn to mind your own business and not make waves." (said after I called police to report the abuse)

"You have to be less selfish. No man will ever want you if you want to have things your way."

Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad. Great advice. Some absorbed more deeply than others, but they all left their mark.

Thursday Therapy: And How Do You Feel About That?

Well, well, well. . .

Good session with Freud this week. We started delving into places where angels I fear to tread. We started talking about things that have been forefront in my mind throughout my viral snot-infested Mucinex-resistant sinus and bronchial infection.

Being sick gives one lots of time to think between lying in bed limp as a ragdoll and coughing in spasms that wrack the body and cause embarrassing lack of bladder control. Thinking is good. . . sometimes. Thinking is bad. . . sometimes. And sometimes thinking leads you down paths that you just flat out don’t want to go.

But before we head off in that direction (notice subtle technique for delaying tackling the subject matter at hand) I do want to relate some mighty interesting dreams of late. For a period of about two to three weeks and then ending about a week and a half ago I had a recurring dream. My psyche was dealing with the last vestiges of my recent past. The dream always went the same way. I was happily working on something at home when lo and behold BJ shows up unexpectedly. He goes on and on about how he’d made such a mistake to let me go and how he missed me badly and wanted me back. I would turn, look up, and practically laugh in his face as I tell him sorry, too little, too late. I’ve already moved on. The first time I dreamed it I was almost giddy the next day because it seemed such a victory. By the last time I dreamed it I was so finished with both him and the dream I just wanted it over. And it is.

Okay, back to the subject at hand. What I’ve been thinking about a lot and discussed at length with Freud, and will continue to discuss with him at my next session, is the thing that is behind my inability to be without a man, some man, any man, multiple men, in my life at any given time. To be without a man, to me, is the most fearsome thing ever. While it is easy enough to think, and to say, “so go be single for a while, prove to yourself you can do it on your own” it ain’t so easy to do. At least it isn’t for me. I can’t even approach thinking about that without knowing that there is a man, or a few men, or a bunch of men, who are there for me. And once I have a hold on one, or a few, or a bunch, I don’t let go. I don’t let go unless I am absolutely forced to do so.

Part of it, not all of it but a good part of it, is that I want someone to take care of me, to be there for me when I need it the most. I feel like I have no safety net. I feel like I have to just keep plugging along, without rest, without assistance, without anyone to fall back on if and when I need a break. Do other people feel like they have a support system? Is it wrong of me to want one? Am I unrealistic in thinking that I should be able to have the peace of mind that there is a safety net somewhere that will catch me if I fall off the rope on which my life teeters? Am I just naturally weaker than other people? Do other people do just fine and dandy on their own without a net? These are the questions I ask myself, that roll around my empty head while I try to recuperate from the plague of 2010. These are the questions Freud is helping me to start to address. Also, we are digging into why I feel the way I do and what I might do to work myself into a better place.

Why Yes I am Still Alive

Still fighting the virus from hell. I have so many stories to tell. . . and no energy to write them here. Suffice to say I make it to work each day which saps every ounce of energy in my being leaving me useless for anything else.

Pass the tissues, would you please? Thanks.

Thursday Therapy: Most Nothing of All

I'm sick with the virus from hell. I don't feel well enough to think of a post this week for Thursday Therapy.

Sorry. . .

I'll be back once I kick this virus in the ass.