Friday, February 16, 2007
Leaning: Too Hard or Not?
This is troubling me lately. How hard is it okay to lean on someone else, to depend on them for support (not $, but advice, assistance, that sort of thing)? I realize since being here on my own (for one whole week so not much experience yet) that I don't do really well by myself, at least by my own standards I don't.
Oh, I can handle the day to day get up and get dressed, feed yourself, clean up after yourself, get to work on time, etc. What gets trickier for me is making judgment calls. I don't think that I make the best judgments in life (okay, okay, long time readers stop laughing that I'm just coming to the conclusion you've seen as obvious for months), and I often don't trust my own judgments. I feel the need to talk over some of the simplest things and gather advice and opinions and base my decisions and actions on others' judgment rather than mine.
A recent example was yesterday morning. I needed to make the relatively simple decision on how to make it to my car. The first choice was to walk down the alley, my normal exit/entrance to my house, through knee deep snow. This would be a half block walk. The other choice was to walk up the driveway of the main house to the street and around the corner to my car, a longer distance but with a shoveled/plowed path for the entire trip. I puzzled, I debated, I questioned myself. I finally called W, described the situation and asked for his advice. Now the most interesting thing here is that once W gave me his advice to take the longer but easier route I of course left the normal way, made my way through the knee deep snow, only fell once and managed to make it to work safe and sound.
Another interesting aspect to this whole thing is that I turned to W, not BJ, when I felt insecure. Is it only that I've been with W for so long that I feel more comfortable leaning on him since I know he already knows my frailties? Or is it that I don't trust that BJ would be willing to let me lean so hard on him and that he would be annoyed at such a display of neediness? Maybe it's a bit of both.
Sometimes I think I'm hopeless.