Friday, February 16, 2007

Leaning: Too Hard or Not?

This is troubling me lately. How hard is it okay to lean on someone else, to depend on them for support (not $, but advice, assistance, that sort of thing)? I realize since being here on my own (for one whole week so not much experience yet) that I don't do really well by myself, at least by my own standards I don't.

Oh, I can handle the day to day get up and get dressed, feed yourself, clean up after yourself, get to work on time, etc. What gets trickier for me is making judgment calls. I don't think that I make the best judgments in life (okay, okay, long time readers stop laughing that I'm just coming to the conclusion you've seen as obvious for months), and I often don't trust my own judgments. I feel the need to talk over some of the simplest things and gather advice and opinions and base my decisions and actions on others' judgment rather than mine.

A recent example was yesterday morning. I needed to make the relatively simple decision on how to make it to my car. The first choice was to walk down the alley, my normal exit/entrance to my house, through knee deep snow. This would be a half block walk. The other choice was to walk up the driveway of the main house to the street and around the corner to my car, a longer distance but with a shoveled/plowed path for the entire trip. I puzzled, I debated, I questioned myself. I finally called W, described the situation and asked for his advice. Now the most interesting thing here is that once W gave me his advice to take the longer but easier route I of course left the normal way, made my way through the knee deep snow, only fell once and managed to make it to work safe and sound.

Another interesting aspect to this whole thing is that I turned to W, not BJ, when I felt insecure. Is it only that I've been with W for so long that I feel more comfortable leaning on him since I know he already knows my frailties? Or is it that I don't trust that BJ would be willing to let me lean so hard on him and that he would be annoyed at such a display of neediness? Maybe it's a bit of both.

Sometimes I think I'm hopeless.


Karin's Korner said...

Hopeless? no, not at all. I remember going through the same thing. Mine was also things like..who is going to change my oil, open a jar that is too tight etc. I went through all of that. Normal behavior if you ask me. I hope you are having a great time in your new place. :)

All of her Secrets said...

my problem is being TOO independent...some of the men in my life want me to lean on them and I just can't do it..I am at the point where I need and want to be responsible for me..but it took me a long time to get here and lots of practice..I just steel myself and make myself do it!

oldbear said...

Hi Truey, secrets, and Karin. I think Truey(I hope you know I mean this nickname affectiontately, I am a nick-namer) you are right ot ponder this, it is a legit question. i think yor life so far shows you are not a clingy doormat like some psycho chick, its just normal doubts when a person goes back on thier own from being a "couple".

No worries.

Karin, I see you working! Even as a dude I had to go through the same thing but about differnet stuff when i left home at 20 to make my own way in the world!

Secrets, you are so right sister, a person has to establish their "own-ness" to be able to hook up well wiht strong independent people in a romance!

I relate to yuor wisdom in seeng that we men need and like to be needed. But I understand that sometimes you just got to do stuff solo for the good of independence! :-)

Thanks ladies~!!

Emily said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are new at this.

You have been part of a couple for a long time. Being single (even with BJ somewhere in the picture) is very different.

It's all practice. Just make those smaller decisions yourself and soon making those decisions yourself will become a habit. You will get better at it.

E xox

trueself said...

Karin - Thank you. Sometimes I think my behavior is so off the charts from normal. It's nice to know that I'm not quite as bizarre as I think.

AOHS - Oh to get to the place where I would be considered TOO independent. Wouldn't I love that?

OB - Thanks for your insights. In spite of my rocky start with your comments I've come to value them. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Em - Yes, I just have to keep making steps forward. I do tend to be tougher on me than anyone else does. I need to learn to moderate my expectations of myself.