Thursday, February 01, 2007

Trying to Work on the Answers

So here are the questions I asked in my post on being stuck along with my attempts, at this time, to answer them:
1. How much risk am I willing to take that N will be negatively impacted by the divorce vs. the negative impact of staying with parents who have a strained relationship? Divorce is difficult on kids. There is no doubt about that. My personal experience tells me that it is also difficult on kids when they see parents who stay together who probably have no business staying together. Neither is a great situation for the kid. The more I think about the more I think that this one is about neutral in impact. The only way you could make things better for N would be if we stayed together AND had a good relationship. I'm thinking that may not be possible without me staying and playacting that things are okay.
2. How much risk am I willing to take that I may regret not staying with W and caring for him for the remainder of his life? I definitely think my conscience will always give me a bit of trouble over this one. I will always feel a bit like I abandoned him at an age when he really needed someone to take care of him.
3. How much risk am I willing to take that I may regret not pursuing my own happiness by staying with W? I cringe at the thought of looking back years later, having passed on the chance to break free, and regretting the years of doing for others rather than for myself.
4. Will I be able to live with my conscience if I abandon a man who professes to love me and need me? I don't think so.
5. Would I be willing to leave W if I did not have someone else to turn to, if the choice were between being with W or being alone? At this point, no. I wouldn't leave him now if the alternative was being alone.
6. How willing am I to work on reconciliation with W? Not very. I don't trust that any changes made will be lasting changes. I don't trust that the things he is trying to do to win me back will last once I say okay I'll stay.
7. How willing am I to accept that life with W would mean choosing to be celibate or choosing to continue with clandestine affairs? Well, I think I've proven to myself that celibate isn't for me. I am not willing to live without sex. I don't like having clandestine affairs, but I suppose I could make do with them and would probably follow that route if we were to stay married.
8. Given that I have seen W making efforts to improve how he deals with N, am I willing to risk that relationship to pursue my own happiness? I am so pleased at how far W & N have come so far even though there are still some rough edges to smooth out. It would devastate me if my leaving caused W to stop working at this.
9. Can I make the choice to stay without continuing to agonize over it, question it, have this same crisis in my head repeatedly? And of course, there is the flip side to this too. Will I continue to agonize, question, repeatedly have this crisis if I choose to leave? I have to make the decision that whatever choice I make I must be prepared to live with the consequences and then set aside all the questioning and agonizing and focus on making that choice work the best that I can.

So there it is. That's where I am. Some questions have answers, some really don't, and some have answers that I'm not too keen about.

Continuing the struggle. . .


freebird said...

Wow, Trueself! That must be the most honest, 'true self' post you've ever made.
(How would I know who your true self is?!!! Don't know - just my impression!)

Hug for you. x

trueself said...

FB - Yes, it is an incredibly brutally honest post. How would you know? Because nobody would post some of those things if they weren't true.

Fiona said...

You'll probably never have all the'll probably look back whichever decision you take, and wonder.

But right now, keep looking forward and never lose sight of opportunities to be happy.

I wish you all the best no matter your decision. All you can do is own it, really own it.

oldbear said...

Hi TS, three things:

You have alway had some body on the side. Even since HS, you had someone on the side. (Except for some years with W)

Why force yourself to go against your nature to get another man. Tell your new intended (bj) you need an open relationship.

If the Kid is really as important to you as you say he is, at least put off the divorce unitil N (the kid) is out of the house.

Stop beating YOU up with indecision!

you might have to just le tit ride for a few months untilyou see your pros[pects more clearly !!

Hang in there Lady!!!!!

freebird said...

I wasn't suggesting anything you said wasn't true, hon.

BTW, is the new grey background a reflection of your mood? Not sure if it suits you.

trueself said...

Fiona - You are right. I'll never have all the answers. I need to quit waiting for all the answers before taking a step.

OB - Yes, I've spent a good deal of my life with somebody on the side. Yuck. That isn't ever the person I wanted to be, and yet there I am.

FB - Didn't mean to imply that I thought you thought I wasn't telling the truth. I just thought that the reason it came across as so terribly honest was because some of those things were hard to admit to the world or even to myself and didn't figure a "censored" post would have those things.

The new grey background is because the stark white was hurting my eyes. Perhaps though I should rethink and go with a pale shade of another color.

Val said...

Wow are you sure we don't share some sort of psychic link???
Because I could have written a lot of this myself...
(i.e. a big part of why I don't thrash it out w/DH is bcz my son adores him)
I'll quit cluttering up your comments & go write my own post...

Serenity said...

A few comments from someone who has just so very recently been in the same boat:
1. Make sure you really are finished with him emotionally before you leave. It doesn't feel like you are.If you aren't you will be haunted by regret and conscience forever.
2. You do NOT have to wait til the offspring has grown up and moved out.He will survive just fine if you are living apart. It's not the 1950's after all. And seeing you living so unhappily is not a good thing. Not a healthy thing.
3.What precisely is wrong with clandestine affairs? And just out of curiosity, what would happen if they became less clandestine? Would he kick you to the curb or learn to live with it as long as you were discreet?
4. You say he "professes" to love you. That implies you have doubts. Do you or is it just a wording thing?
5. He can continue to work on his relationship with the offspring just as easily in a setting of divorce as with you there.You cannot hold yourself responsible for his parenting.
6. I am uneasy about your #5 comment. If you are simply jumping from frying pan to fire i do not think this is a good time to go.
ok, enough lecturing from Serenity!

trueself said...

Val - Yes, I definitely see similarities in our situations. Stay strong friend.

Serenity - Hey, the lecturing doesn't bother me particularly when it comes from someone who actually knows something about what it's like to be in the situation.
1. Yes, that's what I'm trying to do which is one reason I haven't made the move yet.
2. Yes, you're definitely right about that.
3. Guess I don't want to be the kind of person who does things that I have to lie to cover up. I would keep them clandestine because I know it would hurt him deeply (even more deeply than I've already hurt him) if he knew.
4. Yes, I have doubts based on some of his actions that don't match the words.
5. Yes, he could, but he has threatened not to.
6. Yeah, I'm uneasy about that too.

Sunny Delight said...

The things you posted are very difficult, I have done the same, it has been a bit freeing though, somehow, not exactly sure how.

Sweetie, I am fighting the same demons as you, I think you are there, you know the answers as well as I know my own....

As far as your son goes....a very wise 17 year old (my daughter) told me this recently....

"It is the same Mom, whether a kid grows up with parents who are divorced or with parents who do not love each other in the right is the same result...well, maybe the kids whose parents are divorced have it easier."