Wednesday, February 07, 2007

What is There to Say?

Not much. Life is busy this week. No work, or rather no job, plenty of work. Packing to move. Already spent one day moving stuff to the new place. Buying necessities to set up housekeeping. Attended counseling with W last night. He now agrees we need to spend the next few months apart. I told him flat out that if I were to agree to stay with him I would be setting aside my happiness to fulfill my obligations. We're going to take some time to see if either of us can be happy that way, or if either of us can change enough so it isn't that way. I don't think we stand a chance in hell, but damn I have such a hard time walking away particularly when he reiterated to me that if we split he will not stay in this part of the country and won't be a regular part of N's life. Damn him for holding that over me. Tomorrow I head headlong into the future. I will be driving to my new place. On Friday, I get to wait for the cable and phone (yes, even phone phobics have to have phones) guys to show up to connect me to the rest of the world. Plus I have to drop by the new employer for a bit that day. So there's lots to do, lots and lots to do this week.

Oh, did I mention that BJ is spending the weekend with me? No? Well, he is. My bright spot in this hectic week. At least I'll be able to start my new job with a smile on my face after a weekend with BJ.


Finished Last said...

If he chooses to walk away from N that is his choice and responsibility and not yours and frankly it is an ass like thing to do. If you stay do it because you choose to in order to keep your commitments or because you believe is what is best. Don't stay because of some sort of emotional manipulation and extortion.

Serenity said...

Good for you hon, making the move.
And you have to also consider whether his threat to not stay in his son's life is all that big a deal anyway. If he can so heedlessly throw that relationship away maybe N is better off wihout him. Just a thought...
I'm not saying fathers are disposable, but... I really don't like his attitude towards N; like he's using N as a pawn to hurt you. Not good. Really annoying, actually!

Serenity said...

Ok I didn't properly express my happiness for you! New place! Company! It's all good!! :)
Headlong into the future indeed. Yay.

oldbear said...

Hi Truey, good luck in the new job, I am sure it will go great. It might actually be good for your son to not have the tension of both of you in the house(if you argue and have lots of tense momonts). It will give you a chance to step back and look, and hopefully W will see what he is going to miss if yu leave. N will still have weekends and phone calls, and he may learn to appreciate you more too. Easy for kids ot take mom for granted, especially in this dang culture.

As for the threats, as others point out, its chicken bleep for him to hold that out over you. It probably does show YOU that W is a desperate person to have or keep or control you, and a bad parent.

But what does it show N? The answer is NOTHING, unless yuo tell him about it, W tells him aobuot it, or you leave and then W goes chicken bleep and walks of.

Are you not supposed to do what's best for your kid? In the absence of a sullen or screaming atmosphere in your house, just put up with it until N is old enough to leave home anyhow, then dump W the loser.

If there is any kind of relationship between N and W at all, from N's VIEW, then let it ride.

As for him making the threat to leave N if you divorce and how bad threating that is, it is worse because it involves an innocent child and third party.

But as for the fight between you and W, telling him you are only in counseling out of obligation is pretty poor too. Why even expect him to bother then?

in light of tha tstatement from you to him, his wanting to stay with you looks more like desperation not to be alone, or a desire to control you or keep you from another than any real desire to be intimate wiht you mentally and emotionally.

Also FWIW, from his viewpoint, if you get custody of N, wether or not he feels compelled to stay in the area will depend a lot on what yu say to N about W and the divorce, and how much bad about W gets back to W.

If the NCP thiks the CP is just going to turn the kid against him anyhow, at some point NCPs may well just give up. I know 2 dads and a mom who have done that.

They were not ideal parents, but their kids would of been bettter off with them around.

Fiona said...

Good luck in all that you are venturing out to. New job, new home, new life.

May the road you travel from now be full of wonderful things for you.

trueself said...

FL - I have felt like I have given in to the extortion and manipulation for quite a while now. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Serenity - Thanks for the happy wishes. Yeah, W has surprised me with his threats. I really thought he would be above pulling a stunt like that, using N as a pawn. Not fair.

OB - I will never ever talk badly about W to N. Never ever ever. I try to take the high road (I'm not perfect so I don't always but I do try).

Fiona - Thank you.

Karin's Korner said...

trueself- Did I miss something? You are taking N with you to your new place right? You are not leaving him with W. Maybe you talked about this on a day that I missed, but I cannot find it anywhere.

Val said...

Hey hon -- don't think that any man is above ANYTHING when things are crashing down... I can't explain why so many act as though it's a "win at all costs" contest...But it seemed to give my ex some perverse pleasure as he threatened me (at various times) w/loss of critters, farm, business, and last but not least, all of our lives...