Complicated

I realize that if I don't post now the cliffhanger will hang all weekend since I'll once again spend the weekend in LOH focusing on N and not hanging out on the 'net. I suppose I could leave y'all with the cliffhanger over the weekend and probably nobody much would care, but then again as quickly as my feelings and thoughts change if I don't write about it now, what I write might all be different by the time I get back to it. So without further ado (since there's been plenty already) here's the BJ side of the equation.

If you read this earlier post you might think that would have been the last communication between BJ and me. You might think that, but you'd be wrong.

The day after I made my decision to work on reconciliation with W, BJ called at lunchtime. We talked. I cried. He tried to offer advice on how to leave W. My reaction was not good. I accused him of trying to push me into an action he himself has been unwilling to take. After all, he's blogged for a couple of years about wanting to leave his wife, but he is no closer to taking that step than I am.

However, none of this kept me from chatting with him on Yahoo that evening (or the next). We chatted about a lot of stuff and pretty soon things felt to me as though they were getting back to almost normal, whatever normal means in the context of my life. We have also spoken on the phone every day since then, including some very hot phone sex the night that my date left me horny and frustrated. At some point in all of this I told him that he isn't making it easy for me to follow through on my decision to stay with W, and he said he knew that. I also admitted that part of me doesn't want him to make it easy.

So who's fooling who here? I think I'm the only one deluded here. I'm the only one who's thinking that I can juggle all of these relationships and somehow make it work out so that everybody's at least sort of happy. Good grief, what has to happen, how far do I have to fall, before I hit rock bottom? What has to happen to get me to commit to a decision and stick with it? How many people do I have to hurt before I stop? I feel myself heading back to the place in my head where I think it would be better if I were locked up somewhere where I could do no further harm, a place where they would have nurses to care for me, and we could have singing in the morning and art therapy in the afternoon, and all us residents could babble our incoherent thoughts at each other while we roam aimlessly through the halls.

How close to madness have I come?