Tuesday, March 13, 2007

I Always Blather Too Much When Emotions Run High

There are not enough tears in this world to cry enough to soothe the pain right now. I know it only feels that way now and will get better as time goes by. The sharp edges will dull over time, and I will get better at going about day-to-day life without more than a dull ache. For right now, though, the pain is like a million shards of glass ripping through me. I feel defeated and deflated. The wind has died down, and the sails are no longer billowing but drooping as I bob aimlessly in the cold water. (It’s funny, don’t you think, how heartache can stimulate flowery prose and metaphoric writing. There’s something about stirring the heart that also stirs the creative process.)

What a disappointment I am to myself. So weak I can’t let go of a bad relationship. Too weak to stand up to those who would criticize me as heartless and cruel if I were to walk away from W. As a matter of fact, if this were about some other woman and her life I would be among the critics for I would be disgusted with such a woman – a woman who wouldn’t stick it out with a husband with medical problems, a woman took her vows so lightly she wouldn’t stay with her husband through the tough times. I would be appalled that instead of working on her marriage, she turned outside for comfort, both physical and emotional comfort, when she should have turned to her husband, or to other family members, but not to other men.

What advice would I have for such a woman if she were to ask me for advice?
Stop being so selfish. Think of all of those whom you are impacting – not only your husband but your son. Your son deserves both parents particularly since your husband has improved their relationship with the help of a family counselor. You’ve put enough upheaval in your son’s life by moving a few years ago and now moving again. How dare you consider splitting with his father under those circumstances? What were you thinking?!? Then, of course, you had to go fall in love and drag yet another victim into your life of chaos. Why on earth would you do something so irresponsible? Once you did that you clearly set up a no win situation. Mo matter what choice you made you were going to hurt somebody, and didn’t you know, deep down, that you couldn’t go through with destroying your family? Of course you did. You knew the only way to through with it was to bolt when your courage was high. But you didn’t fall in love with a bolter, not this time. No, you fell in love with someone more solid than that, someone who thought of practicalities and would make no rash moves. In a way he saved you from yourself because you know if he’d said “Let’s go” you’d have gone. You know if he’d said, “Let’s be brave, tell our spouses and move forward” you would have. But unlike rash, impetuous you, he thought of the practicalities, the realities of the situation. He knew it would take time to make things work, and it gave you time to think and time to come to your senses. Life isn’t meant to be filled with joy at others’ expense. Life is about finding joy in the life we’ve chosen for ourselves. That’s why we really ought to be careful when we chose our path in life, so we don’t stick ourselves with a really bad situation. But you did that. There’s nobody else to blame but you. So go on and pick up the pieces the best you can, and quit spreading the hurt far and wide.

See? I can’t win no matter what I do, even with myself. I berate myself for being too weak to walk away from a bad marriage, but then I can turn right around and berate myself for wanting to leave at all.


oldbear said...

Hi Lady, its one thing to perceive our faults.

Self ahte is a different matter.

Please dont hate you.

Yuo have no reason to hate you!

I am not sure if you even have reson to be disappointed in you!?

HUG, an dPAX to you, plese go easy on you!!

Fiona said...

You're making a choice. All along the way you've made choices. To be with W, to leave W, to love BJ, to go back to W. They are all choices hon and they are yours. It's hard making them, harder still sticking to them. But always remember, they are yours to make.

I wish you a loving journey.

Serenity said...

Gawd, and they tell me I'M hard on myself.
Some decisions are going to feel no-win no matter how you spin them. That's just this messy life we have. But even though it's hard that doesn't make it not worthwhile. Look for the unexpected path, the unique-to-your-situation set of choices. You can make this all evolve the way that feels right to you and that works for you. All of you. It does not have to look like a traditional ugly separation.
Your husband is a sentient being and likely will not fold up and wither away. You can never tell what someone's reaction to life's events will be. You never know; he might surprise you with his ability to cope. How he copes cannot be your concern, however.
You get one *ONE* whack at this life. Make it a good one. There is no benefit to spreading blame and guilt and pain. Turn it inside out, and spread truth; freedom from pain and falseness and fog; and genuineness.
hugs as always.

freebird said...

Oh yes, I recognise the 'no win' situation - I'm in one myself, so I can only feel for you, dear TS.

"Too weak to stand up to those who would criticize me..." I don't think anyone would be criticising you as much as YOU would! Which is exactly why you couldn't go through with it. (Been there too and I feel your pain.)
I'm sure you can turn this around and be positive - you have to - and a good place to start is with N. But you know that already. God, I wish I could think of something helpful to say! Hug for you.

Seeker said...

I feel really sad for you (in fact, I cried real tears for you when I read your latest posts!). Whichever decision you make - you will probably wish that you had made the other one.

Nobody can tell you what to do, least of all me. All I can say is that if you stay it will be a very unselfish act and I believe that we are rewarded for being unselfish. I don't believe that your relationship with W has no chance at all of improving. I know it happens rarely - but sometimes people do change! It is not unheard of.

One way of looking at this is to ask yourself how you would feel about things if you suddenly found out that you might going to die very soon. Believe me, when you are in that situation and thinking that you might soon be meeting your maker, everything suddenly takes on a completely new perspective!

I hope you make a decision that will give you some peace of mind. What that decision should be though, only you can decide. Good luck kid!

Emily said...

Actually, I'm kind of wondering who you picture as berating you. It's hard to see how they could say anything worse to you than you say to yourself.

What if you said something else to yourself? What if you said, "I am making some very tough choices here when there is no clear or easy answer. And yet, I'm still managing to think through all the implications, including for people other than myself. Well done, me"?

Whichever man you choose, Trueself, I wish you were a kinder friend to yourself.

Actually, my main thought about all this is that I wouldn't be racing back to a man who was that keen to have me back without doing some very tough bargaining. Certain things about W's behaviour need to change.

Finished Last said...

You are not the villain and everyone else (including BJ ) is not the hero. I know it can feel that way, ( I have been feeling that way a lot as of late) You have to take responsibility for your actions but you need to let others take their own as well. best wishes True.

trueself said...

OB - There's just not much here to like about me. I don't think I've ever liked myself, not even at a very young age.

Fiona - Very hard sticking to this one right now. That's one reason I put it out here, to make it harder for me to waffle yet again.

Serenity - Me? Hard on myself? I often don't feel that I'm hard enough. Seriously.

FB - "I don't think anyone would be criticising you as much as YOU would! Which is exactly why you couldn't go through with it." You hit the nail on the head right there FB, and it was the perfect thing to say to me.

Seeker - Don't cry on my account. I'll make it through somehow. I always do.

Emily - Not sure I have a clue how to be a better friend to myself. Saying the things you suggest to myself just don't ring true for me.

FL - You're right. No heroes in sight anywhere. Then again, no victims either. In some ways I see all of us involved as villains.
How's that for a nice positive outlook on life?