I Always Blather Too Much When Emotions Run High

There are not enough tears in this world to cry enough to soothe the pain right now. I know it only feels that way now and will get better as time goes by. The sharp edges will dull over time, and I will get better at going about day-to-day life without more than a dull ache. For right now, though, the pain is like a million shards of glass ripping through me. I feel defeated and deflated. The wind has died down, and the sails are no longer billowing but drooping as I bob aimlessly in the cold water. (It’s funny, don’t you think, how heartache can stimulate flowery prose and metaphoric writing. There’s something about stirring the heart that also stirs the creative process.)

What a disappointment I am to myself. So weak I can’t let go of a bad relationship. Too weak to stand up to those who would criticize me as heartless and cruel if I were to walk away from W. As a matter of fact, if this were about some other woman and her life I would be among the critics for I would be disgusted with such a woman – a woman who wouldn’t stick it out with a husband with medical problems, a woman took her vows so lightly she wouldn’t stay with her husband through the tough times. I would be appalled that instead of working on her marriage, she turned outside for comfort, both physical and emotional comfort, when she should have turned to her husband, or to other family members, but not to other men.

What advice would I have for such a woman if she were to ask me for advice?
Stop being so selfish. Think of all of those whom you are impacting – not only your husband but your son. Your son deserves both parents particularly since your husband has improved their relationship with the help of a family counselor. You’ve put enough upheaval in your son’s life by moving a few years ago and now moving again. How dare you consider splitting with his father under those circumstances? What were you thinking?!? Then, of course, you had to go fall in love and drag yet another victim into your life of chaos. Why on earth would you do something so irresponsible? Once you did that you clearly set up a no win situation. Mo matter what choice you made you were going to hurt somebody, and didn’t you know, deep down, that you couldn’t go through with destroying your family? Of course you did. You knew the only way to through with it was to bolt when your courage was high. But you didn’t fall in love with a bolter, not this time. No, you fell in love with someone more solid than that, someone who thought of practicalities and would make no rash moves. In a way he saved you from yourself because you know if he’d said “Let’s go” you’d have gone. You know if he’d said, “Let’s be brave, tell our spouses and move forward” you would have. But unlike rash, impetuous you, he thought of the practicalities, the realities of the situation. He knew it would take time to make things work, and it gave you time to think and time to come to your senses. Life isn’t meant to be filled with joy at others’ expense. Life is about finding joy in the life we’ve chosen for ourselves. That’s why we really ought to be careful when we chose our path in life, so we don’t stick ourselves with a really bad situation. But you did that. There’s nobody else to blame but you. So go on and pick up the pieces the best you can, and quit spreading the hurt far and wide.

See? I can’t win no matter what I do, even with myself. I berate myself for being too weak to walk away from a bad marriage, but then I can turn right around and berate myself for wanting to leave at all.