Monday, March 12, 2007

I Should Be Sleeping Right Now

Yes, I should be sleeping right now. I said goodnight to BJ and signed off Yahoo an hour ago. Yet instead of sleeping I'm lying in bed wide awake. Thanks stupid time change. Thanks overactive brain. Thanks weird wacky life.

So, as I do when I need to dump thoughts somewhere to give my brain a rest, I'm gonna blog for a bit. Hopefully, it's a short one so I can get some sleep, but I never know once the fingers hit the keyboard whether they'll write a short story or an epic.

What's new with me?

1) The first couple of weekends at LOH were so pleasant that I almost thought that W and I might actually get back together. Then the weekend a week ago was such a nightmare that I was sure that wasn't going to happen. This weekend left me so unsure of things again. W is counting on moving here. He is old and in increasingly bad health. He is in pain a good deal of the time. I feel horrible abandoning him. Yikes. I want out so badly, and have gotten out sort of, and yet I still feel an obligation to this man. I still feel incredible guilt about not wanting him anymore. Can I stay with him and care for him until he dies? That could be years away. He might hang on, weak and in pain, for years. Can I resign myself to that life? I know, I know. Same questions, still no answers, still bouncing it back and forth in my head. Yuck.

2) I may have to go ahead and move N here with me. W is having a hard time dealing with everything all by himself. This week I'm going to get info on the school N would attend here and what it would take to transfer him after spring break. I'm also going to check into afterschool programs for him. If it seems like a viable option to go ahead and move him then that's what I'll do. It makes me happy that he will be with me if we do this. It also makes me sad that cuts 2 months off my "me" time that I'd planned on having.

3) I may have a new girlfriend. Yes, "that kind" of girlfriend. She and I are going out on a date this week. The bi part of me has been very strong lately, and I answered an ad. We'll see how it turns out. I know, I know. I'm a slut. What can I say? If this turns into something I'll have to give her a letter to be known by on the blog.

4) BJ is still the best thing in my life. He is, I believe, my true soulmate. We share so many things in common. We have similar histories in certain ways. We have similar viewpoints on an incredible number of topics. Our libidos even seem to be synched up with each other. If only he and I weren't still attached to others in the legal sense of the term attached, he and I would be the best of couples. But he and I are both still attached to others. Can either of us make that move, that big step to divorce? I'm not sure, not sure at all. . . about either of us.


Rob said...

"I may have a new girlfriend. Yes, "that kind" of girlfriend. She and I are going out on a date this week."

Well keep an open mind about it all and don't form hasty opinions, one way or another about it. Relationships of all kinds take time to blossom and it wouldn't be the first time that a failed hetro relationship (ie., with W) has later resulted in a much more loving and better relationship of another sort. Keep us updated, will you please.

freebird said...

Hope you managed to get up okay this morning!
Well at least you can't say you're bored - and nor can we! Good to hear your update TS. I can empathise with a lot. Pity your 'me time' may have to be cut short, I think you need it. I hope you feel it's doing you good.

Anonymous said...

I can see why you had trouble sleeping, You did have a lot on your mind. here's hoping you get some rest and some peace of mind.

Nutty Man said...

Hope you had a good day with out sleep,you've got to make your decision soon and wish you the best.

trueself said...

Rob - My date is tonight. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated here. It's always a perfect time to start a new relationship when you're in the middle of a life crisis. (Yeah, I know that attempt at humor fell flat.)

FB - Thanks for all of your ongoing support. I know that in some ways you understand me better than most.

FL - Hmm, peace of mind. Can't remember the last time I had that.

NM - Yeah, guess you were right about that decision being soon, huh?