Monday, March 12, 2007

What the Fuck Am I Going to Do?

I can't do it. I can't split from W. Much as I want to I just can't. He is so very sad. He is in so much physical pain every day. He needs somebody to care for him. He doesn't really have much of anybody else to care for him, and he doesn't trust the few that might be willing and able to care for him. I can't do it. I'm stuck. I have to stay. I have to find a way to make it work for me. I can't live with the guilt if I leave him. He so much wants us to stay together. He so much is counting on moving here with me and N. He depends on me for so much. I didn't really think I did that much for him until being away from him 5 days a week. Now I realize that as much as I counted on him to do certain things for me, he counted on me to do many things for him too.

So what now? Do I resign myself to a celibate life until the time comes when he dies? Do I sneak around and have my liasons with BJ (if BJ is even willing to play the role of secret lover in the long term) so that W doesn't have to know that I'm not entirely happy as his celibate younger wife? Is it fair to ask BJ to play that role?

I have nothing but tears today. It is a beautiful spring day, warmest of the year so far, but it was hard to appreciate it. I am so disappointed in myself. I cannot be the cold-hearted bitch that gives her elderly, ailing husband the boot. I cannot put my needs before his. I simply can't. I don't have it in me to walk away. I wish I did. I wish I could walk away and not look back. I can't. I've tried. I've tried and tried and tried. I've agonized. I've come close, but I just can't. I need to stop this overriding obsession that possesses my thoughts day in and day out. I've just got to give in and give up and accept that this is where I am because I put myself here. Nobody to blame but me.

God, sometimes I hate being me. Please God help me be strong. Help me be the woman I need to be and should be. Be with me. Guide and direct me. Help me turn my thoughts away from selfish desires and focus on You and being the woman You want me to be, then woman I promised to be when I spoke my wedding vows. Amen.


Val said...

Ugh, I am sorry you are having such a rough time honey!
I will go polish off a quick post at CK based on a bitchy email I just wrote my friend so you can see that "Misery loves company", ha ha!

Fiona said...

Now is the time to see if he can do something too.

"He so much wants us to stay together. He so much is counting on moving here with me and N. He depends on me for so much."

And you have a right to expect him to be a husband, and I'm sorry if this is not something people agree with, but I strongly believe that has to include love and intimacy, not servitude. If he can't be that, then agree that you don't have to live a life of celibacy. Be there with him if that is what you need to live without guilt, giving him what he needs (you there, as companion) but let him agree to having what you need to be content, too.

I commend you for sticking to your vows, but didn't he make some too?

I hope you find your way in this TB, and may it be a way that isn't filled with sacrifice on your part.


freebird said...

Oh I understand completely. I feel for you.

Desmond Jones said...

I admire you for this, Trueself. And I know it won't be easy, but I think you're choosing the 'truer' path. . .

trueself said...

Val - Thanks for your completely unjudgmental support. We broken ones gotta stick together, don't we?

Fiona - You make some very good points. Yes, in spite of deciding to stay, I do need to speak to W frankly about my needs and how he must be supportive of me if we are to stay together.

FB - I know you do, hon. Thanks.

Des - Don't admire me. There's not much here to admire. I'm just another broken human trying to be better than I have been.

Desmond Jones said...

"just another broken human trying to be better than I have been."

As are we all, whether we know it or not. . .

kevin said...

you stupid fat bitch stop being so inconsiderate. for better or for worse; till death do us part.