Thursday, March 22, 2007

Next Week

I'm looking forward to, and dreading, next week.

Next week, N is on spring break (and when did grade schoolers start getting spring break? I didn't get spring break until college. No, there were not dinosaurs roaming the campus.) so instead of me going to LOH for this weekend N and W are coming to LNJ. But they aren't coming for the weekend. Oh no. They are coming for the entirety of spring break.

Of course, I am thrilled to have a week with N, to spend time with him and help him get used to his new hometown. I am not so thrilled that my space, MY SPACE, is being invaded. My sanctuary, my little cocoon, perfectly sized for one, is to be inhabited by three of us for a week. What a disruption this will be. I'm adjusting my mindset though to try to see all the positives of them being here. I keep telling myself that this will be a good thing. It will. Maybe it will help me see how I can reconcile with W. Maybe it will help me see that I can't possibly reconcile with W. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

What am I waiting for? Why can't I choose an action and stick to it? Why indeed? I think I'm starting to face the truth of the reason. I'm trying to hide from reality. I'm trying to maintain status quo to avoid pain. I want to avoid the pain associated with splitting up with W. I also want to avoid the pain of giving up BJ. I am trying to postpone the pain for as long as I can. As long as I can juggle two separate lives I'm avoiding certain pain because either decision, either course of action, will result in pain. I am also coming to realize that when it comes right down to it, it isn't only pain but shame and guilt I am trying to avoid. To do the thing I want to do would bring not only pain but shame and guilt in addition. To do the thing I don't want to do brings only pain, probably much greater pain, but keeps me from having the shame and guilt. I could hold my head high, feeling that I fought the battle and came through it in a respectable way. So I'm really trying to avoid the shame and the guilt, because the pain is inevitable. There will be pain, mine and others. Can I bear the shame and guilt of taking the path that I so desire? Can I bear the pain if I don't take the path I desire?

Sorry this post took a turn that I didn't expect here. I was talking about next week. Yes, next week. Don't expect me to be much in the blogosphere next week. I have to devote the time to my family.


freebird said...

Oh dear Trueself... Apart from some differences in circumstances, you and I are so often in the same place. If it's any consolation, I understand so well your dilemma and your pain.

Karin's Korner said...

Oh girlfriend, I am so sorry...a whole week huh? Can't you figure a way for just a partial week. I remember when I was living on my own, LOVED IT!! I compltetly understand where you are coming from with the whole pain thing. I remember being there too, just remember what we have talked about......It is SOOOOOOOOOOOO your turn!!!!!!!

Stinkypaw said...

TS, I truly feel for you... I really wish for you to have the life you want - whatever your decision is/will be you must not forget yourself, your Trueself...