Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Weekend Update

Dad – Not doing well. Started chemo last week. He’ll be doing three week cycles where he does the intravenous at the start of the cycle then chemo pills for two weeks then one week off. They don’t know for sure how long he’ll be on this regimen, probably six months. If he lasts that long. As weak as he was last weekend when we visited I can only hope that he makes it through this. I do not want him to die. We’ve only just begun to be friends again after years and years of estrangement. It brings tears to my eyes each time I think of him and what he is going through.

Mom – What a trooper. Not only does she care for Dad, helping him with everything from showering to eating to making it to his many doctor appointments, she also does much for her mother (my granny) and for FU’s family. She is busy daily keeping everything running smoothly in her and Dad’s household, managing Granny’s affairs from afar, and babysitting my nieces two days a week. My biggest worry for Mom is what she will do when Granny and Dad are gone and she is no longer running herself ragged. When she finally comes to a point where she has little to do I worry how she will cope. I fear she will fall apart at that point, from sheer exhaustion and from finally having to deal with the emotions that I think she shoves into the dark recesses right now.

FU – Still a jerk as far as I can tell. I was allowed to go over to his house last Saturday when Mom was babysitting (making up for having missed on of her regular babysitting days last week). FU, of course, wasn’t there, nor was my sister-in-law (let’s call her FU2). I’m not entirely sure whether Mom got FU’s permission to let N and me visit my nieces or not. I’m guessing she did, and I’m guessing that FU allowed it only because he wouldn’t have to see me and because W is out of the picture. It was interesting to see the inside of his house (well, his as in he lives in it, but my parents actually own it). Clearly FU and FU2 have expensive tastes in furnishings, and what they don’t spend on things like getting their own house or paying to have the lawn mowed (my parents pay for that now that my dad can’t mow FU’s yard for him anymore) they spend on furniture and home décor.

My Nieces – Adorably cute, but scarily shy. Let’s see. I need names for the girls. They’re worth more than just a one or two letter moniker. Let’s go with Bella for the older one and Ella for the younger one. The last time I had seen the girls was a bit over three years ago. At that time Ella was just a few months old and Bella was almost four. Neither of them remembers me at all, of course. I was a total stranger to them last Saturday. Bella hid in her bedroom the entire time I was at their house. Ella stayed in the living room but stood by a chair across the room from me with her back to me. Neither of them warmed up at all in the two hours I spent at their house. I didn’t try to push myself on them at all as I remember how intimidated I was as a shy child when someone would try too hard to get me to come out of my shell. They are both heartbreakingly shy. I thought I was a shy kid, but these girls far outrank me on the shyness scale. I blame FU. He has spent their entire lives protecting them from the evils of the outside world. They spend very little time away from their house and very little time with anyone other than immediate family. I don’t think he is doing them any favors by home schooling them and keeping them out of normal social situations. I am not against home schooling per se but given that he is using it as a way to isolate the girls I do not like it. I feel that they need to be out in the world more. As hard as it was for me to deal with my shyness as a child (and yet today) I believe I would have been severely debilitated by it had my parents allowed me to hide at home away from others the way Bella and Ella are allowed to do. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope I’m wrong. I hope they grow up to be self-assured and poised and able to cope with all the world throws at them.

N – Mom noticed that N seems to be doing better now that it’s been a while since the break up between W and me. He is. His behavior, at least when he is around me, is ever so much better than it used to be. His mood is better over all. He is a much happier boy. He had a great time last weekend visiting old friends. He was heartbroken that Bella and Ella didn’t want to play with him, or even talk to him, when we visited. I had warned him before we went over that the girls were shy and that he should let them approach him as they were comfortable so as not to overwhelm them. He did a great job. He sat on the couch with me and was more patient than any nine-year-old should have to be. He sat there for almost two hours before becoming so bored and frustrated that he asked if we could leave.

Me – I rested and relaxed the best I could. I recuperated from the panic attack and feel pretty much like my old self again. I worry about Dad, and about Mom, and about Bella and Ella. I would like to throttle FU and shake FU2 and ask them WTF is wrong with them. I love N so very much and am so very proud of him. As frustrating as he can be at times, overall he is a great kid. I feel ready to take a few deep breaths and move forward to deal with all that needs to be dealt with for the divorce and becoming independent.


Fusion said...

FU is such an appropriate name for your brother (as in fucked up), I still can't get over all you had told me about him...
What a tool, and now dragging his daughters down too. Grrrr.

Glad you had a good visit though, and I'll be thinking good thoughts for your dad and mom.

Sailor said...

Sending warm thoughts and prayers your way, it's rough. Hugs, too.

Trueself said...

Fusion - Yes, the name fits well I think. Unfortunately. . .

Sailor - It is rough. Thanks for the hugs.