So Many Thoughts UPDATED

Yesterday I spent the day in as deep a depression as I've been in since I started the anti-depressants months ago. I hadn't slept well, waking every hour or so, praying for the night to be over. Finally, the night was over, morning arrived, and I couldn't for the life of me work up the energy to get out of bed. Then the more I thought the more sick I felt. Worked myself right up into an upset stomach of huge proportions. Never threw up but came close several times and spent quite a bit of time in the bathroom afraid it was going to happen. W could see that I obviously wasn't feeling well, and he took over getting N ready for church. They went off to church and left me in bed. I dozed, off and on, all day. I got up while they were at church, went online for awhile, played more games on MSN Zone than anything else. I emailed back and forth with BJ a couple of times. I should have used that time to gather my information for the separation, but I never even thought of it at all until later in the day. Idiot. Had my chance and totally blew it. W and I had a discussion yesterday afternoon. It was pretty damned obvious that I was depressed, couldn't hide that at all. W asked me if I wanted him to move out. Rather than saying "Yes, yes, more than anything!" I said, "Why would you think that?" After further conversation, I did admit that it might (might? why on earth did I say might?) come to that. W said that he has seen me changing recently and knows that I'm not happy. When I said I didn't know I was transparent he said, "You aren't good at hiding things. Kind of like Christmas presents." He repeated that a couple more times. I was afraid to ask further what he meant by that. What has he found? I don't know. We discussed marital counseling, and I called the two counsellors recommended to me by my therapist. I left a message with one, and the other one answered when I called and I set up an appointment. I'm still going to file the separation, but I really want to get W in therapy so that no matter what happens we can work on making things better between N and him. I don't want to have to take N completely away from W and yet if he doesn't change his ways I will fight for full custody. So getting him to agree to marital counseling yesterday was huge.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday thinking. Thinking through various aspects of this whole situation. I know that I'm not thinking clearly right at the moment so none of the thoughts I'm having are going to lead to action. But the thoughts are there, and I have to work them through in my mind. I have to acknowledge them and not try to just push them down. I need to look at them and examine them and feel the feelings associated with them.

Some of my thoughts:
Maybe I should try to stay with W. But I don't want to stay with W. I want out. I'm scared to death to be on my own, but staying with W isn't the right answer.

Maybe I should go ahead and get back with J. But I don't want to be with J. I wouldn't mind having sex with him occasionally, but I'm not interested in living with him or trying to make a life with him.

Maybe I should contact S or L and go ahead with the whole casual sex thing. Maybe I could get more comfortable with casual sex that way. Because I realize that as much as I talked a good game this summer, and tried to go there I never managed to go beyond a certain point (yes, I know it was a point quite a ways out there but no intercourse). I just wasn't up to doing it. But I've come to the conclusion that holding sex up as something more sacred than a physical act isn't wrong. It's okay to think that way, and I don't need to force myself to do things with which I'm not comfortable.

Maybe I should tell BJ that I've changed my mind. I can accept that he has a different viewpoint on casual sex than I have, that I can accept that he is willing to sacrifice having casual sex to be with me. And this is the one I'm most tempted to do. Maybe it should be enough for me that he is willing to make that sacrifice for me. Maybe it shouldn't be important to me for it not to be a sacrifice but something that he willingly desires to do. Is it too much to ask to be with someone who genuinely desires to be only with me? Someone for whom it doesn't feel like a sacrifice to give up sex with others. Once I became involved with BJ I dropped everybody else, closed the email account I had used for my actiivities, turned off my profile on an online site I was using. I didn't do that because I felt that I was sacrificing something for BJ. I did it because I no longer felt the need to look elsewhere. I was happy to look to BJ alone for sexual fulfillment even if we couldn't be together often. I assumed, wrongly, that he felt the same way. So am I being too hard on BJ? I wonder. Maybe I am. Maybe I should be pleased that he's willing to ask me for permission rather than going behind my back. Maybe I should be pleased that he is willing to respect my discomfort and not do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

So what am I going to actually do? Nothing. At least for a few days. I want to just wallow in all these thoughts. I want to feel the pain that I'm in and just let it ease up some before trying to make any decisions at all. Many times I cause myself problems by making decisions too quickly, turning on a dime, running wildly from one thing to the next. I have got to stop that. So I hurt. Yes, I do. So feel that hurt, experience it, don't run around desperately trying to do anything to make the hurt stop. Let the hurt be what it is. Well, this is a different strategy. Better? Don't know. But different. Definitely different.

UPDATE
In spite of my bold claims of doing nothing for at least a few days, here's how my morning has gone:
Listened to voicemail on my work phone from J that he left last Friday afternoon (I had left early for Dr. appt) asking me to call him back.
Read email on work email address from J (only email address he has for me) that he left on Friday night asking me to take a day off to spend with him this week.
Sent an email to BJ asking for clarification of a few things thinking maybe I've blown things out of proportion.
Called J's cell and left a message telling him he can call me back this afternoon.
Replied to J's email telling him no go for this week, but open to discussing one day next week.
Replied to an email one of my blog readers sent me, and replied in a somewhat flirtatious way (but subtle, I think).
At lunch, checked my cell phone that I'd left in my car for missed calls and saw one from S but he didn't leave a message. Debated calling him back, decided against it, and he called me back moments later. We chatted a while. I updated him some on my situation. We may get together later this week. Now, how did he know to call today? S, are you a reader of this blog? If so, please tell me.
I've broken down in tears 3 times at my desk, once in the car at lunch.

It's been a busy morning. And no, I am not proud of myself. But yes, actually I do feel better. . . sort of.

How the World Can Change in the Blink of an Eye

This will come as no surprise to anyone who has been reading this blog for some time, but I tend to be a bit confused when it comes to relationships. So when I first received J's email yesterday I was thrown for a loop. Then I discussed the whole situation at length with Z because I had to know where he stood, how he felt, what he wants.

And now I know.

So on today's agenda: dump J for the final time (already did that via email this morning), dump S & L because I no longer need them, affirm to Z my feelings for him.

Boy, every time I think the roller coaster is slowing down, we hit another curve and head a whole new direction. At least I am no longer alone on the ride, but taking it together with someone I care about very deeply.

EDIT:
To read Z's take on our relationship Click Here
And, yes, by clicking on the link you will find out the identity, at least in the blogosphere, of Z.

Through the Eye and Back to the Storm

Just trying to figure things out here. Trying to make sense out of utter confusion.

W - still clueless, still happy, sometimes it pisses me off to see how happy he is because I'm so unhappy, sometimes I just want to scream at him to get his attention, but we've been there, done that, over and over and over; i'm tired, worn out, feel like I have to stay but don't want to be here, the remnants of love are just that, remnants; don't think I could survive the guilt if I left him now; don't like feeling like I'm sitting on hold waiting for him to die someday

S - wow, love being with him when I'm with him, love how he makes me feel, but still not completely comfortable with him somehow

L - remind me why I'm having lunch with him this Friday? oh yeah, maybe there is a connection here, right, maybe, feels a little too vanilla, but safe, maybe too safe?

Z - he's the flame, and I'm the moth; I think I'm getting dangerously close to getting burned, "if it seems too good to be true it generally is" probably applies here, probably need to slow myself down here

Wow

In yesterday's post I asked the following:

Am I really going to be able to do this when the time comes? Can I really go get naked with a stranger and have sex with him? Really? Or am I playing some big mind game with myself? Am I going to back out at the last minute?

After today's "lunch" with S I believe I can say: yes, yes, yes, no, and no.

S and I spent my lunch hour in his car in a very deserted parking lot. It was very similar to the lunch hour with H in the park, very, very similar. Except S didn't go on and on about being unsure and uncomfortable and maybe not being able to go through with more. Oh no, S spent the time when not kissing me telling me all the things he wants to do to me when we can. Boy oh boy. L is gonna have to really step up his game to beat S. S can make me absolutely melt into a puddle of desire in no time at all. Wow. Just wow. That's just all there is to say. Wow.

Timing is Everything

Everything is kind of on hold for a week because my period arrived this morning.

So S and I are still going to get together, but we both know what won't be happening today. He is disappointed. So am I, maybe. Anyway, it gives me time to get to know him better before jumping in with both feet.

Still considering the "test drive" both of them theory, but I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. As skanky as I've been acting lately I still struggle with that good girl inside who doesn't feel good about having multiple affairs at the same time, even on a short term basis. Okay, maybe I shouldn't feel good about having even one affair at a time, but I've kind of come to terms with that. Just having a hard time with the doing it once or twice with each and then picking one. Don't know why it feels so different to me but it does. Maybe because it seems kind of cold and calculating. Also because I hate to have to tell someone I've slept with "Sorry, but I've decided not to pick you." No matter how you phrase that, it comes across as "You aren't good enough." I hate that.

Well, that last paragraph is full of sentence fragments, but I'm not going back and changing it even though it is bugging me. Yes, the perfectionist in me is worrying about grammar and sentence structure. It keeps me from worrying about bigger things.

EDIT (and probably TMI for the male readers)
Went back and checked the calendar. This cycle was only 25 days, and it seems like my cycles have been getting shorter over the last couple of years. It used to be I could count on 31-34 days between periods. Now I'm down to 25. If my cycles keep on shortening eventually I'll just have one constant period. Now if that isn't a depressing thought, I don't know what is.

Choosing Between S & L

Who knew I would ever get to a place where two men that I find attractive would be wanting to have an affair with me so that I would have to choose between them? Yikes. How to choose? They each want just one woman like I want just one man, in the interest of lowering STD risk; they are each married and wanting a discreet physical only relationship; they are both charming in different ways, S being more smooth and L being very sweet

So here's where the differences lie on both the good and bad sides:
S Pros -- tall, gorgeous, outgoing, black (so sue me, I like the whole interracial thing), very good kisser
S Cons -- his schedule and mine are difficult to sync up, he can be a little too smooth at times, always vague about where and when to meet

L Pros -- feels "safer" to me somehow but can't quite pinpoint why, his schedule is flexible and can work around mine, has no problem finding and paying for hotel room
L Cons -- short (what can I say? I like 'em tall), possibly a little too laid back, have had no physical contact other than a handshake so don't know whether we will have that "spark" or not

Now S and I were supposed to meet after work yesterday, but he got caught at work and couldn't make it. We were possibly (not for sure, but possibly) going to take that big step yesterday. We decided to postpone until Friday. Of course, I'm not sure that he'll be able to make Friday, or if he'll call again to cancel at the last minute. Hmmmmm. . . frustration and uncertainty I've got plenty of already. Do I need more?

Add to this that I know my period is coming soon so that could delay everything by a week. Not that I have a problem with sex during my period, but I don't really want to have first time nervous sex during my period thankyouverymuch.

So here's my thinking (and yes I know I am just being hugely pragmatic here, using my little overactive accountant's brain to overanalyze and quantify everything and make it as unemotional as possible):

1. If my period holds off AND S can actually get together on Friday then we meet, and I decide if I'm going for it that day which I think I probably would, but I'm not sure.
2. If my period arrives today or tomorrow AND S can get together on Friday then we meet just to talk and become better acquainted, and I will schedule another lunch with L for next week to become better acquainted, making a choice between the two next week.
3. If S cannot get together on Friday, irregardless of my period, then I have lunch with L next week to make sure I'm really comfortable with him and move forward with L.

The longer I wait the more I'm suffering from cold feet, and then come the really big questions. Am I really going to be able to do this when the time comes? Can I really go get naked with a stranger and have sex with him? Really? Or am I playing some big mind game with myself? Am I going to back out at the last minute? I don't know. I just don't know. I guess only time will tell.

Thinning the Herd

Just a quick update on the state of things.

H - emailed me yesterday, and as expected, has decided his guilt is too great to have an affair so he is now 100% gone.
J - emailed me yesterday, still wants to get together Wednesday, but wants it very clear there are no long term commitments. I emailed him back asking him not to contact me again as there is no future for us so he is now 100% gone.
S - emails traded back and forth all day, very hot teasing emails. We'll be getting together on Wednesday to get to know each other better and so I can hopefully decide whether to move forward or not. This is now my most likely affair candidate.
L - had lunch together yesterday, nice guy, very sweet, cute in his own way, very laid back, quite a contrast to S. If S weren't in the picture, I would probably jump right in with L. L is making the decision to go forward with S just slightly more difficult. They are so different, each charming in his own way, each with good and bad points regarding choosing them. I hope to make a choice by the end of the week.
W - still clueless, in spite of me reading him my horoscope yesterday indicating I was in for some good romance he showed no interest in providing any, and seemed disappointed when I was disappointed. Okay, back to focusing my sexual energies elsewhere. Why, oh why do I keep banging my head against the wall?

There is one other sort of pseudo relationship out there, but it isn't something I'm prepared to talk about. Probably because I don't really understand it yet, or if it really exists, or if it does exist what it is, or if I will even want to discuss it here if it is something or does become something. Well now, hows that for vague and noncommittal?

Way too hectic

Life has been hectic and chaotic in the last few weeks since I put the CL ad out there. First, I received almost 50 responses. Almost half I could reject out of hand for the following reasons: included a nude pic with response, not within my requested age range, one line response that told me nothing. From there, I weeded them down to my top ten, and attempted to meet those ten. In fact, I only met 4 in person. Of the other six, two stopped emailing responses without explanation, one lives in another city and only visits here every few weeks so we've only emailed back and forth, one cancelled our date the day before we were to meet and never attempted to reschedule, and two I lost interest in as our emailing progressed.

As I was finding frustration with my CL guys, I was introduced to www.plentyoffish.com by, of all people, W. He is using it to try to find a woman to join us for a threesome. So far he has been completely unsuccessful. Unbeknownst to him, I put my own profile out there, dummying up just enough info to keep W from catching on to me if he runs across my profile without making it so fake that it doesn't really describe me. I mean, what's an inch difference in height or one year's difference in age? And after all, if I give an adjoining zip code rather than my own how much difference does that really make?

Now, if you just want the bottom line without all the gory detail skip on down to the summary section. What follows is long, and well, I just can't promise that it is all that interesting.

So I've had interest from about a dozen guys on POF, including G whom I'd met a while back when I answered his CL ad. He recognized my profile enough to ask if I had had lunch with him at a certain restaurant a while back. I never replied back. He was somewhat creepy when I met him so I wasn't too keen on getting drawn back in to a conversation. I replied back to four of the guys that expressed interest. Two of them were interested enough to schedule lunch dates for last week. Both cancelled within 24 hours of our scheduled dates, the first due to a work emergency resulting in him being called in to work the evening before until the wee hours of the morning to solve an IT crisis. Since then, he has said he would like to reschedule but has made no effort to actually do so. The other guy cancelled because he had to fly out to another city on short notice. He stayed in email contact the entire time, and he was anxious to reschedule our lunch date so tomorrow I'll meet him for lunch. He owns his own business, and is the only one so far not concerned about the cost of hotel rooms and such, and has said that if there were any way for me to get away he'd take me on business trips, such as last week's, with him. Hmmm. . . well, I've got to go to lunch and at least check this guy out.

Last Friday, I had a lunch date with S, one of the four CL guys I've met. He is tall and handsome. From his voice on the phone and the picture he sent I had assumed he was European with olive skin. In fact, he is a light-skinned black originally from Trinidad as I learned when we got together. Instead of eating at the restaurant where we met, we went to a park down the street and took a walk. We chatted about lots of things. We kissed, and maybe went just a bit further at a fairly private picnic table in the park. He is ready to move on to more with me. I'm thinking it over.

Also, H has asked until tomorrow to give me his final decision as to whether he can go forward or not. I didn't tell him yes or no about giving him that time. I did email him my pitch today as to why we ought to go ahead and go for it together, but I'm fully expecting him to stick with his "too guilty" decision and am really not thinking this one will go anywhere. Although if he does surprise me and decide to go for it, I would definitely go forward with him, putting all others on hold until I'm convinced he's really able to go through with it.

And what about J? Well, he and I were trying to figure out a way to get together this coming week. However, I sensed that he was so much less enthusiastic about it than I was so today I emailed him and told him that I don't think we should get together this week. I'm tired of loving him so much more than he loves me. I'm trying to fall out of love with him, and getting together with him is clearly not going to further that cause. And now that I have at least the prospect of sex somewhere else, I am no longer willing to accept J in less than a situation where he loves me the way I love him.

Throughout all of this, it has been very difficult to keep straight who is who, and I frequently go back to earlier emails from a particular man to remind me which one he is. I am glad that I feel this phase of the process is winding down.

So there we are, where I stand with all my men. The summary for those of you with short attention spans and who skipped down to see the bottom line:
W - clueless but happy that things are so much better at home
S - hot, sexy, very well could be my new affair
H - still not able to 100% let go, but almost certainly a no go
L - meeting for lunch tomorrow, will have some work to do to beat S
J - still trying to get over him, and think I might finally just be on my way