Thinning the Herd

Just a quick update on the state of things.

H - emailed me yesterday, and as expected, has decided his guilt is too great to have an affair so he is now 100% gone.
J - emailed me yesterday, still wants to get together Wednesday, but wants it very clear there are no long term commitments. I emailed him back asking him not to contact me again as there is no future for us so he is now 100% gone.
S - emails traded back and forth all day, very hot teasing emails. We'll be getting together on Wednesday to get to know each other better and so I can hopefully decide whether to move forward or not. This is now my most likely affair candidate.
L - had lunch together yesterday, nice guy, very sweet, cute in his own way, very laid back, quite a contrast to S. If S weren't in the picture, I would probably jump right in with L. L is making the decision to go forward with S just slightly more difficult. They are so different, each charming in his own way, each with good and bad points regarding choosing them. I hope to make a choice by the end of the week.
W - still clueless, in spite of me reading him my horoscope yesterday indicating I was in for some good romance he showed no interest in providing any, and seemed disappointed when I was disappointed. Okay, back to focusing my sexual energies elsewhere. Why, oh why do I keep banging my head against the wall?

There is one other sort of pseudo relationship out there, but it isn't something I'm prepared to talk about. Probably because I don't really understand it yet, or if it really exists, or if it does exist what it is, or if I will even want to discuss it here if it is something or does become something. Well now, hows that for vague and noncommittal?

Way too hectic

Life has been hectic and chaotic in the last few weeks since I put the CL ad out there. First, I received almost 50 responses. Almost half I could reject out of hand for the following reasons: included a nude pic with response, not within my requested age range, one line response that told me nothing. From there, I weeded them down to my top ten, and attempted to meet those ten. In fact, I only met 4 in person. Of the other six, two stopped emailing responses without explanation, one lives in another city and only visits here every few weeks so we've only emailed back and forth, one cancelled our date the day before we were to meet and never attempted to reschedule, and two I lost interest in as our emailing progressed.

As I was finding frustration with my CL guys, I was introduced to www.plentyoffish.com by, of all people, W. He is using it to try to find a woman to join us for a threesome. So far he has been completely unsuccessful. Unbeknownst to him, I put my own profile out there, dummying up just enough info to keep W from catching on to me if he runs across my profile without making it so fake that it doesn't really describe me. I mean, what's an inch difference in height or one year's difference in age? And after all, if I give an adjoining zip code rather than my own how much difference does that really make?

Now, if you just want the bottom line without all the gory detail skip on down to the summary section. What follows is long, and well, I just can't promise that it is all that interesting.

So I've had interest from about a dozen guys on POF, including G whom I'd met a while back when I answered his CL ad. He recognized my profile enough to ask if I had had lunch with him at a certain restaurant a while back. I never replied back. He was somewhat creepy when I met him so I wasn't too keen on getting drawn back in to a conversation. I replied back to four of the guys that expressed interest. Two of them were interested enough to schedule lunch dates for last week. Both cancelled within 24 hours of our scheduled dates, the first due to a work emergency resulting in him being called in to work the evening before until the wee hours of the morning to solve an IT crisis. Since then, he has said he would like to reschedule but has made no effort to actually do so. The other guy cancelled because he had to fly out to another city on short notice. He stayed in email contact the entire time, and he was anxious to reschedule our lunch date so tomorrow I'll meet him for lunch. He owns his own business, and is the only one so far not concerned about the cost of hotel rooms and such, and has said that if there were any way for me to get away he'd take me on business trips, such as last week's, with him. Hmmm. . . well, I've got to go to lunch and at least check this guy out.

Last Friday, I had a lunch date with S, one of the four CL guys I've met. He is tall and handsome. From his voice on the phone and the picture he sent I had assumed he was European with olive skin. In fact, he is a light-skinned black originally from Trinidad as I learned when we got together. Instead of eating at the restaurant where we met, we went to a park down the street and took a walk. We chatted about lots of things. We kissed, and maybe went just a bit further at a fairly private picnic table in the park. He is ready to move on to more with me. I'm thinking it over.

Also, H has asked until tomorrow to give me his final decision as to whether he can go forward or not. I didn't tell him yes or no about giving him that time. I did email him my pitch today as to why we ought to go ahead and go for it together, but I'm fully expecting him to stick with his "too guilty" decision and am really not thinking this one will go anywhere. Although if he does surprise me and decide to go for it, I would definitely go forward with him, putting all others on hold until I'm convinced he's really able to go through with it.

And what about J? Well, he and I were trying to figure out a way to get together this coming week. However, I sensed that he was so much less enthusiastic about it than I was so today I emailed him and told him that I don't think we should get together this week. I'm tired of loving him so much more than he loves me. I'm trying to fall out of love with him, and getting together with him is clearly not going to further that cause. And now that I have at least the prospect of sex somewhere else, I am no longer willing to accept J in less than a situation where he loves me the way I love him.

Throughout all of this, it has been very difficult to keep straight who is who, and I frequently go back to earlier emails from a particular man to remind me which one he is. I am glad that I feel this phase of the process is winding down.

So there we are, where I stand with all my men. The summary for those of you with short attention spans and who skipped down to see the bottom line:
W - clueless but happy that things are so much better at home
S - hot, sexy, very well could be my new affair
H - still not able to 100% let go, but almost certainly a no go
L - meeting for lunch tomorrow, will have some work to do to beat S
J - still trying to get over him, and think I might finally just be on my way

Crash & Burn

H emailed today. He can’t go through with it, feels too guilty.

All that fun yesterday for nothing.

Go ahead and sock it to me. Yes, you told me so. Yes, I’m too trusting. Yes, I’m too vulnerable for this. No, you can’t beat me up worse than I already have.

So I had a good cry this afternoon, and tomorrow I have lunch with S, another CL guy that I kept putting on hold while I figured out if H was going to turn into anything. S is tall and handsome, olive skin, beautiful brown eyes and black hair with a lovely European accent.

Stay tuned for the next episode: “One door closes. Another one opens.”
OR
“Watch Trueself bang her head on the doorjamb.”

Date with H

H and I got together at a local park at lunchtime, sat in his car, and, well. . . . . . .














let's just say if what Monica did to the prez wasn't sex then we did not have sex today.

Enquiring Minds Want to Know

Where do people who cheat do it? That's what H and I are trying to figure out. Logistics is going to be a huge issue for us.
Options:
Hotel - Pros are privacy and comfort, Cons are expense and the trail left behind even if paying cash because they require you to show an ID

Car - Pros are no added expense, Cons are difficulty finding a secluded enough place to park relatively close to work, not the most comfy place (particularly for a 6'3" guy), not the most private place either with windows all 'round

Office - Pros are convenience and no added cost, Cons are risk of being caught (which in my mind trumps all the rest) and not real comfy

Home - Wouldn't even consider it unless spouse and kids gone far away for a long time (as in days, not hours) (yeah, changed my mind from a couple of months ago when I thought I could risk it when family was out of the house for a couple of hours)

Local Park - Pros are fresh air and probably can find an isolated spot under the trees somewhere, Cons are poison ivy (I'm sooooooo susceptible), bugs, risk of being caught

Where else? Somebody out there reading this must have some ideas. I know that there are at least a few readers that are less than 100% faithful. Where do you go? And how do you make time for it? And how do you not get caught?

Enquiring minds want to know. . .

Lunch with H

H and I had lunch together today. We started out nervous like we were last week when we met, but by the time lunch was over I think we both were more comfortable and more able to talk to each other.

I told him about my "partner" plan to protect me from psycho serial killers. The look on his face was interesting. I think he never had given any thought that he could be thought of as scary in any way. I assured him that he has done and said nothing to make me feel that he is indeed a psycho serial killer, but that you always hear the neighbor on the news say "He was such a nice, quiet sort. Not at all the kind you would expect to do this" when they arrest some psycho serial killer.

While people may worry about me being impulsive, one thing nobody will have to worry about with H is an impulsive decision. He is still trying to make up his mind about whether or not he can do this. Of course, I've already made my decision, but I told him that his decision is his alone. I told him that I'm not going to try to influence him but that he knows which way I hope he decides. I also told him that I will leave him alone to make that decision and just wait to hear back from him. Of course, I hope to hear from him sooner rather than later, but I don't want to push him into something uncomfortable for him.

I still don't have his last name or phone # (time enough for that if he decides to go forward), but I did snag his license plate # as he drove away.

Adjectives

Several commenters recently have used adjectives to describe me that I find interesting, and thought provoking, and I’m going to share my thoughts on some of them here.

IMMATURE – Yes, in some ways I would say that I am acting very immaturely. I am grabbing for what I want much the same way a toddler would. The difference being that I am mature enough to think through the possible consequences, to weigh the risks, and to consciously (if not conscientiously) make decisions regarding my actions.

MESSED UP – No arguments there. No doubt in my mind that I am messed up. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t change my mind about which direction to go every other breath. I actually think in some ways though that I’m getting better about that. I have finally pretty well chosen a path, and mostly I think commenters use the term “messed up” at this point not so much the way I think of it, but to reflect their disapproval of the path I’ve chosen.

CONFUSED – Kind of goes along with “messed up.” I think I am actually becoming less confused, clearer on the path that I am taking as I go along. Again, at this point I believe it reflects disapproval of the choices I’m making.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE – Could be. I’ve used the term myself in describing my behavior. I’m quite sure that there are heavy risks of the choices I’m making right now. While some seem to think that I want to be caught, that may have been true at a certain point, but it no longer is.

COWARD (okay not an adjective, but I’m addressing it anyway) – Am I? Probably. I’m trying to do things in such a way that I don’t have to make the hard decisions. I’m trying to do things in such a way that I keep the status quo while seeking out something more for me. Yes, I’m a coward. Too scared to upset the status quo, too scared to try to live life on my own, too scared to deal with the fallout from a divorce. Then again, maybe I’m caring more than coward. I do care about W and his feelings. If I didn’t I would just tell him that this is what I’m doing, you can’t stop me, and deal with it. Yes, that might be the honest thing to say to him, but it would hurt him. It would hurt him far more than my implementation of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy.

IMPULSIVE – I tend to be impulsive at times. But I think sometimes some of my actions that appear impulsive aren’t what I would call impulsive, in the sense that they aren’t things that just pop into my head and I do them without thought. Rather they are things that roll around in my head for weeks or months, to be analyzed, thought about, dwelled on, but never spoken. Then, at some point, I make a decision, and move forward quickly and decisively. To others that looks like an impulsive action because there was little external evidence beforehand. Maybe they aren’t as impulsive as they appear.

INTELLIGENT – No argument there. Always the dweeby smart one in the corner. What I have in book smarts, I more than make up for in a lack of common sense.

VULNERABLE – Probably. I’m pretty easy to hurt, probably not tough enough for a non-emotional, physical only relationship. And I will probably emotionally get hurt in all of this, somehow by someone. I’m not blind to it, but willing to accept the risk.

TRUSTING – Maybe more than I ought to be, although I will be heeding some advice I’ve received lately. I feel like H is trustworthy based on my very limited knowledge of him, but I did decide that I will not meet privately with him until I have at least some minimal information about him: his last name, a phone number, and his license plate number. And although I am fairly trusting, I will say that my intuition has warned me off of a couple of guys that I’ve contacted. While my intuition may be wrong, I tend to err on the side of caution, and even if I can’t put my finger on the problem, I end contact then and there.

DEFENSIVE – Okay, nobody has actually accused me of this one, but I know that I’m feeling it. I am feeling very defensive, even though I don’t know any of my critics other than through this anonymous cyber world, even though I didn’t expect the world to approve of my choices, even though I opened myself up for this critique by having this blog. But I write this for me, not for anyone else, so unlike a few that I’ve seen I won’t stop writing. I won’t stop putting my reality out here. I won’t block comments (except anonymous ones), but I may not always address them all either. Depends on my mood. And today I'm feeling defensive so comment freely today with the knowledge that I probably won't take you on.

Patience

Patience is not one of those virtues with which I have been blessed. No, when I want something, I want it, and I want it when I want it. I don't like to wait. I don't even like to wait 60 seconds to reheat a cup of coffee in the microwave. So clearly, being patient and waiting is not something that I do well.

Yet, right now that's all I can do in all cases. I must wait. I must exercise patience. I have no choice. Or I could just go stark raving mad, which I still might do. Haven't yet, but I still might.

I'm waiting for W to be ready to try those pills. He wants to, he tells me, but the time has to be right. He's afraid of wasting one of those expensive pills by taking one and having something interfere with us doing anything. Well, at least I understand better now why we're waiting.

I'm still waiting for J to love me the way I love him. That's not likely to ever happen so rather than straining my patience I really, really, really need to find a way to just get over him.

I'm waiting for H to contact me about getting together this week. He said he would. I'm trying to wait. I'm trying not to be pushy. I want him to decide that he wants this, or doesn't, in his own time.

I'm so tired of waiting.

Oh, and anyone who thinks I'm in a better position having three possible/sort of/maybe/okay/could be better relationships going is dead wrong. One really good relationship would trump this mess any day. And yes, I'm pretty sure it is mostly my fault that I don't have one really good relationship. I don't feel like a victim in any way. I'm doing this to myself, and am fully cognizant of it. Yet not willing to give it up. Still wanting to find the right combination to happiness. Still wanting the quick fix, the instant gratification. Still yearning for more, sooner, better. And not doing so well at waiting for it.

Strange Things

W has taken to IMing me from the downstairs office while I'm on the laptop in the family room. Well at least we're communicating I guess.

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When I was meeting guys from CL that I wasn't particularly attracted to I could talk to them with ease about all sorts of things related to sex. When I met H (the guy I had drinks with) yesterday, I couldn't talk about anything but became completely tongue-tied.

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I feel closer to the friends I've made in cybespace than any of my "real life" friends.

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A few years ago I would have been completely disgusted with a person doing the things I'm doing now in my life.

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Since the initial short discussion when he first brought them home, there has been no further mention of the little blue pills.

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I never feel more alone than when I'm at home with W, Even when I'm at home by myself I don't feel as alone.

Maybe Found "Him"

Limo Guy turned out not to be the one. He and I talked for quite a while on the phone yesterday. Nice guy, but with a bit more of a wild streak than I think I care for.

Spent the day emailing sporadically back and forth with the guy who's 26. It was fun, and if I hadn't found "Him" later in the day I might have considered meeting him next week. As it is I let him know that it's a "no go."

After work today I went out for a drink with someone I hadn't mentioned before here. To tell the truth I'd forgotten about him, but he emailed me yesterday to check in and see if we could meet. Not sure what made me say yes, but I did. So we met at a bar after work. I arrived first and positioned myself so that I could keep my eye on the door. He had told me what he would be wearing so I recognized him as soon as he walked in. OMG, he is gorgeous, 6'3", 215 lbs, short brown hair, neatly trimmed mustache, well dressed, well mannered, 2 years older than I. Way out of my league I thought, and figured there was no way he was going to be interested in me. It was so clear that we were both really nervous. We talked. He had two beers. I had one diet Coke (hey, I'm trying not to be completely stupid here, ya' know, even though I really wanted some Jack Daniels in that diet Coke). There was definitely chemistry between the two of us. We walked outside, and he walked me to my car (oh, I know, I wasn't supposed to let him do that, but I'm not completely smart either). We talked as clumsily as two teenagers on a first date. He stammered. I giggled. It was pretty pathetic. Finally, he leaned in and kissed me, and gave me a hug. It was a wonderful kiss, and I swear, if he'd wanted to I'd just about done him right then and there. (Well, maybe not right there in the parking lot, but maybe in the back seat of the car.) We agreed to get together again and talk some more. He wants some time to decide if he can really go through with this as it would be the first time he has been unfaithful to his wife of more than 20 years. This seems too good to be true so I'm sure he's going to decide not to go through with it. But if he decides he wants this, then he is almost surely the one.

Now, I have one more guy that I'm going to meet. He and I have been emailing back and forth for several days and will set up a meeting when I call him tomorrow morning. Our emails have been interesting. I thought he was trying to shy away from a face-to-face meeting (mentioned in my earlier post), and I told him so and that I was done. He then emailed me twice to talk me back into a dialogue. Now he has me convinced that it was all a misunderstanding and he and I have been exchanging very funny and sarcastic emails back and forth. If he's as good in person as in his emails, then he will give today's guy some competition. But I know me, and I know that I am not blessed with that kind of luck.

No, the way my luck goes, I'll meet tomorrow's guy who will be an obvious psycho killer, or just a total loser, or something just as bad. Then today's guy will tell me he has decided he can't go through with it. Yep, that is the way my luck goes.

Oh, and still no response from J. I almost emailed him again asking for a response but decided against it.

And W? Yeah, he's still sitting 6 feet from me, watching TV, oblivious to his traitorous wife writing about my escapades on my secret blog, oblivious to the fact that month end close isn't really the nightmare that's causing me to "work late" day after day.

And those little blue pills? Still waiting for a "special occasion."