Monday, November 06, 2006

So Many Thoughts UPDATED

Yesterday I spent the day in as deep a depression as I've been in since I started the anti-depressants months ago. I hadn't slept well, waking every hour or so, praying for the night to be over. Finally, the night was over, morning arrived, and I couldn't for the life of me work up the energy to get out of bed. Then the more I thought the more sick I felt. Worked myself right up into an upset stomach of huge proportions. Never threw up but came close several times and spent quite a bit of time in the bathroom afraid it was going to happen. W could see that I obviously wasn't feeling well, and he took over getting N ready for church. They went off to church and left me in bed. I dozed, off and on, all day. I got up while they were at church, went online for awhile, played more games on MSN Zone than anything else. I emailed back and forth with BJ a couple of times. I should have used that time to gather my information for the separation, but I never even thought of it at all until later in the day. Idiot. Had my chance and totally blew it. W and I had a discussion yesterday afternoon. It was pretty damned obvious that I was depressed, couldn't hide that at all. W asked me if I wanted him to move out. Rather than saying "Yes, yes, more than anything!" I said, "Why would you think that?" After further conversation, I did admit that it might (might? why on earth did I say might?) come to that. W said that he has seen me changing recently and knows that I'm not happy. When I said I didn't know I was transparent he said, "You aren't good at hiding things. Kind of like Christmas presents." He repeated that a couple more times. I was afraid to ask further what he meant by that. What has he found? I don't know. We discussed marital counseling, and I called the two counsellors recommended to me by my therapist. I left a message with one, and the other one answered when I called and I set up an appointment. I'm still going to file the separation, but I really want to get W in therapy so that no matter what happens we can work on making things better between N and him. I don't want to have to take N completely away from W and yet if he doesn't change his ways I will fight for full custody. So getting him to agree to marital counseling yesterday was huge.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday thinking. Thinking through various aspects of this whole situation. I know that I'm not thinking clearly right at the moment so none of the thoughts I'm having are going to lead to action. But the thoughts are there, and I have to work them through in my mind. I have to acknowledge them and not try to just push them down. I need to look at them and examine them and feel the feelings associated with them.

Some of my thoughts:
Maybe I should try to stay with W. But I don't want to stay with W. I want out. I'm scared to death to be on my own, but staying with W isn't the right answer.

Maybe I should go ahead and get back with J. But I don't want to be with J. I wouldn't mind having sex with him occasionally, but I'm not interested in living with him or trying to make a life with him.

Maybe I should contact S or L and go ahead with the whole casual sex thing. Maybe I could get more comfortable with casual sex that way. Because I realize that as much as I talked a good game this summer, and tried to go there I never managed to go beyond a certain point (yes, I know it was a point quite a ways out there but no intercourse). I just wasn't up to doing it. But I've come to the conclusion that holding sex up as something more sacred than a physical act isn't wrong. It's okay to think that way, and I don't need to force myself to do things with which I'm not comfortable.

Maybe I should tell BJ that I've changed my mind. I can accept that he has a different viewpoint on casual sex than I have, that I can accept that he is willing to sacrifice having casual sex to be with me. And this is the one I'm most tempted to do. Maybe it should be enough for me that he is willing to make that sacrifice for me. Maybe it shouldn't be important to me for it not to be a sacrifice but something that he willingly desires to do. Is it too much to ask to be with someone who genuinely desires to be only with me? Someone for whom it doesn't feel like a sacrifice to give up sex with others. Once I became involved with BJ I dropped everybody else, closed the email account I had used for my actiivities, turned off my profile on an online site I was using. I didn't do that because I felt that I was sacrificing something for BJ. I did it because I no longer felt the need to look elsewhere. I was happy to look to BJ alone for sexual fulfillment even if we couldn't be together often. I assumed, wrongly, that he felt the same way. So am I being too hard on BJ? I wonder. Maybe I am. Maybe I should be pleased that he's willing to ask me for permission rather than going behind my back. Maybe I should be pleased that he is willing to respect my discomfort and not do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

So what am I going to actually do? Nothing. At least for a few days. I want to just wallow in all these thoughts. I want to feel the pain that I'm in and just let it ease up some before trying to make any decisions at all. Many times I cause myself problems by making decisions too quickly, turning on a dime, running wildly from one thing to the next. I have got to stop that. So I hurt. Yes, I do. So feel that hurt, experience it, don't run around desperately trying to do anything to make the hurt stop. Let the hurt be what it is. Well, this is a different strategy. Better? Don't know. But different. Definitely different.

In spite of my bold claims of doing nothing for at least a few days, here's how my morning has gone:
Listened to voicemail on my work phone from J that he left last Friday afternoon (I had left early for Dr. appt) asking me to call him back.
Read email on work email address from J (only email address he has for me) that he left on Friday night asking me to take a day off to spend with him this week.
Sent an email to BJ asking for clarification of a few things thinking maybe I've blown things out of proportion.
Called J's cell and left a message telling him he can call me back this afternoon.
Replied to J's email telling him no go for this week, but open to discussing one day next week.
Replied to an email one of my blog readers sent me, and replied in a somewhat flirtatious way (but subtle, I think).
At lunch, checked my cell phone that I'd left in my car for missed calls and saw one from S but he didn't leave a message. Debated calling him back, decided against it, and he called me back moments later. We chatted a while. I updated him some on my situation. We may get together later this week. Now, how did he know to call today? S, are you a reader of this blog? If so, please tell me.
I've broken down in tears 3 times at my desk, once in the car at lunch.

It's been a busy morning. And no, I am not proud of myself. But yes, actually I do feel better. . . sort of.


freebird said...

You are absolutely right not to do anything yet.
I think you already know my thoughts (for what they're worth) so I won't say anything to confuse you any further. You will get through this, one way or another. xxx

Finished Last said...

The unkown is such a scary thing and I hope that you can reach a place where you are able to at least feel confident enough to act. Whatever you do, I hope you can do it with all your heart.