Pretty sure my post on my depression last Wednesday had a beneficial effect on my mental health. I know something did. Whether it was that or something else I feel better (better being a relative term here) than I did a week ago.
However, I'm fighting another battle, related to the depression sort of, that I have also helped by writing a two page single-spaced missive. Whether it actually gets used for its intended purpose or not remains to be seen.
This battle is one at work. It will come as no surprise to anyone to learn that my employer, similar to most U.S. employers, provide little in the way of paid time off to their employees. Because of that, when there was a shitstorm of family member medical and educational issues that all came up at the same time a few months ago, I took as little time off to deal with them as was possible. I took care of a whole lot of things for both W and N as they recuperated. I basically gave up my life to work and family care. Period. Nothing for me. I thought I could do it. I did it. Then when W and N were both better, I took a deep breath, relaxed, and basically turned into a basketcase.
Fast forward a couple of months, as I continued to drag myself out of bed, get myself to work to do what I had to in order to get by, provide chauffeur services to W and N since I'm the only driver in the family (and thank goodness that will change in a few months as N gets his license), and to stress out about all the things that aren't getting done because I'm too tired/lazy/overwhelmed.
Thinking it over, and reviewing The Company's policies on vacation and leave for various reasons, I decided to look into taking a six week personal leave of absence. Wanting to work with Boss to make things as smooth as possible I told him about my plan and that I was going to make an appointment with HR to ask some questions that I had about what I had read in the policy and also to assess whether it would be financially feasible for me to bear the burden of about 2/3 of the time off being unpaid. Reflecting back later, I believe Boss thought that following my research I would decide not to request the time off.
The next week, I met with Boss again, having gotten favorable answers to my questions to HR and also working with W to figure out how we could liquidate some investments to cover my unpaid time, to tell him that I planned to turn in a request for personal leave. I was a little surprised when he said, "Give me some time to think about this." However, I agreed, and we left it at that at that time.
I heard nothing for over a week when all of a sudden a meeting request comes through my Outlook to discuss the leave with Boss. I figured there might be some negotiation on whether six weeks was feasible and was ready to compromise down to five, possibly four if I had to. Timing, I thought, might also be an issue, and I was ready to be somewhat flexible on that.
That was not what the meeting was about. The meeting was simply to tell me that just because The Company has a policy on unpaid personal leave doesn't mean they actually grant unpaid personal leave. Wait... what? Yes. My boss encouraged me to try to get the leave covered under FMLA. Then The Company would have no choice but to grant it if I could present a valid reason for an FMLA leave. In essence, I was told to go to my psychiatrist, get her to declare me mentally ill to the extent that I need a medical leave, and I can have my time off. Otherwise, no go. Also, Boss said I could go ahead and turn in a request for unpaid personal leave, and state my case, but that he wouldn't count on it being successful since it would have to be approved both by him and by HR which won't happen.
Well, I've written a two page thesis on the subject of why I should be granted an unpaid personal leave. Writing it felt WONDERFUL, very cathartic, very helpful in letting go of the thoughts so they no longer have to occupy my brain but can occupy the written document and be referred back to at any time. I have not yet submitted it or my request for leave. I am debating whether to do so before my appointment with my psychiatrist next week or not. I'm leaning towards waiting and see what comes of my discussion with her. I've already discussed it with Freud, and he is very supportive of me asserting my need for some serious time off.
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Monday, February 08, 2010
Sunday Stealing: The Pretentious Blogging Meme 2
A continuation of the Sunday Stealing meme from last week
12. How many drafts of potential blog posts do you have right now? Not many at all. I think I may have a couple, but generally if it’s a thought that makes it into words on the screen it gets published right away for better or worse.
13. In what medium do you draft your posts? Often in a Word document. Occasionally I just write right there in Blogger.
14. How often do you completely scratch or delete drafts or blog post ideas? Very rarely. It happens, but probably not more than once every couple of months.
15. If you had to leave your blog in your will to another blogger, who would you choose? That’s tough. I can’t imagine anyone would want it. I’d like to think though that it would stay out there in the ethereal world of the interwebs and that someone would put up a final post about my demise and wax poetically about me. I guess I’d leave it to JeniAngel only because she’s way younger than I so she’s the one most likely to still be living after I’m gone. ‘Cause you know, I’m going to live to be at least 90 so even she’ll be practically 70 by the time I’m gone.
16. Are there other blogs that you feel are similar to yours in content, style, or voice? Not really. I like to think I’m one of a kind. :-)
17. Has anything surprised you since you started blogging? That anyone actually reads my blog, and even more surprising that some people actually care what happens to me.
18. What are your goals or plans for your blog going forward? Just keep on keepin’ on. . .
19. Do you make any money from your blog? (optional) about how much a month? Are you f***ing kidding me?!? I make nada, zilch, zero, nuttin’. Truthfully, I can’t imagine having it any other way. Too much pressure to actually write something useful and of interest if I was being paid.
20. What blogging system do you use? Blogger.
21. How did you come up with your blog name? Because when I started I was writing about things that were probably the worst thoughts I have ever had and the worst things I’ve ever done. I’ve grown since then, but the blog name still resonates with me because I try not to sugar coat things that I write.
22. How many blogs do you have? What was your peak? Currently, I’m at my peak. I have three. I have this one which is my most public anonymous one. I have a private one where I share things only with people I’ve invited to read, a little inner circle shall we say. It’s where I “take out the trash.” Just recently I’ve started a third one, right out in the open as the IRL me. It is in its infancy, and I’m not quite sure where I’ll go with it.
23. Are you having as much fun as when you started? More. I have found the whole writing experience to be quite cathartic, and blogging suits me because it is available to me anytime and anywhere I have internet access.
24. Where do you find other bloggers like you? Mostly they find me it seems. However, I do find some through links on other blogs I read, and more recently on Twitter.
25. What’s your one wish when it comes to blogging? That all my bloggy friends don’t fade away. My heart skips a beat every time one of my favorite bloggers contemplates closing up shop. Bleah. . .
12. How many drafts of potential blog posts do you have right now? Not many at all. I think I may have a couple, but generally if it’s a thought that makes it into words on the screen it gets published right away for better or worse.
13. In what medium do you draft your posts? Often in a Word document. Occasionally I just write right there in Blogger.
14. How often do you completely scratch or delete drafts or blog post ideas? Very rarely. It happens, but probably not more than once every couple of months.
15. If you had to leave your blog in your will to another blogger, who would you choose? That’s tough. I can’t imagine anyone would want it. I’d like to think though that it would stay out there in the ethereal world of the interwebs and that someone would put up a final post about my demise and wax poetically about me. I guess I’d leave it to JeniAngel only because she’s way younger than I so she’s the one most likely to still be living after I’m gone. ‘Cause you know, I’m going to live to be at least 90 so even she’ll be practically 70 by the time I’m gone.
16. Are there other blogs that you feel are similar to yours in content, style, or voice? Not really. I like to think I’m one of a kind. :-)
17. Has anything surprised you since you started blogging? That anyone actually reads my blog, and even more surprising that some people actually care what happens to me.
18. What are your goals or plans for your blog going forward? Just keep on keepin’ on. . .
19. Do you make any money from your blog? (optional) about how much a month? Are you f***ing kidding me?!? I make nada, zilch, zero, nuttin’. Truthfully, I can’t imagine having it any other way. Too much pressure to actually write something useful and of interest if I was being paid.
20. What blogging system do you use? Blogger.
21. How did you come up with your blog name? Because when I started I was writing about things that were probably the worst thoughts I have ever had and the worst things I’ve ever done. I’ve grown since then, but the blog name still resonates with me because I try not to sugar coat things that I write.
22. How many blogs do you have? What was your peak? Currently, I’m at my peak. I have three. I have this one which is my most public anonymous one. I have a private one where I share things only with people I’ve invited to read, a little inner circle shall we say. It’s where I “take out the trash.” Just recently I’ve started a third one, right out in the open as the IRL me. It is in its infancy, and I’m not quite sure where I’ll go with it.
23. Are you having as much fun as when you started? More. I have found the whole writing experience to be quite cathartic, and blogging suits me because it is available to me anytime and anywhere I have internet access.
24. Where do you find other bloggers like you? Mostly they find me it seems. However, I do find some through links on other blogs I read, and more recently on Twitter.
25. What’s your one wish when it comes to blogging? That all my bloggy friends don’t fade away. My heart skips a beat every time one of my favorite bloggers contemplates closing up shop. Bleah. . .
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Sermon Experience
A couple of commenters asked on the last post for me to talk about the experience of preaching for a day as a layperson. I am happy to oblige, mostly because I planned on writing a post about it anyway. ;-)
First, I’m going to address the whiney part. Yes, I’m a bit whiney about one part of what happened. There were three people in the world that I specifically wanted to have attend, mostly to provide me moral support so I would know 100% that I could look to them for encouragement and see someone at least feigning interest in what I had to say. Two of the three I specifically invited to attend. The third is generally there anyway so I didn’t bother to extend a specific invitation although I did make sure this person was aware I would be speaking that day. As it turns out none of the three were there. I felt let down. I have addressed it with each of them though in a very casual way so as not to let on just how hurt I was and received apologies that were probably appropriate for the level of care I expressed. So now it’s time to move on, let go of those hurt feelings, and never speak of it again. Amen.
Preparation for the sermon was interesting, and daunting, and not something I think I would want to do on a weekly basis (though if I were a seminary trained minister I could more quickly access the types of information I sought and would have had a firmer foundation from which to start, so there is that). However, it was quite enlightening to me to see just how much research could be done via the internet. I could read several different versions of the Bible passage and compare them quite easily without having to surround myself with several large books. I could read sermons by others based on the same passage or theme. If I were inclined to pay for the privilege I could have had an even greater wealth of information available to me. Yes, I took the task seriously and did not just “throw something together.” I prayed before and while I wrote. I honestly feel that God drew me to my topic and many of my words. It was indeed a spiritual experience to prepare a sermon.
I had the sermon finished, for the most part, almost a week in advance. That is when I started tweaking and rethinking and eventually overthinking much of it. When all was said and done though it stayed pretty much as it had been other than switching the order of a couple of sections of it to improve the flow. I don’t know why, but I kept putting off rehearsing it out loud. I went over it time and again in my head, but I only spoke it twice before actually giving it at church. If I hadn’t needed to time it I’m not sure I would’ve gotten it spoken even that many times ahead of time. It timed out to 14 minutes by the way, which was well within the 8 to 20 minute range that I was told would be acceptable.
N and I arrived at church for the Sunday School hour, and while he attended Sunday School I made a pest of myself to anyone I could find who was in charge in any way. I was nervous so I wandered about like a puppy dog nipping at the heels of one person and another. Finally, I sat in the very back of the sanctuary and meditated for a while to calm myself.
I was responsible for nothing during the service except the sermon. Someone else led the service, and a third person read the scriptures. I was lucky to be able to sit behind the pulpit largely unseen until sermon time. I was also lucky that there was a particularly full sanctuary that day. I believe it would be harder to speak to a sparse crowd than a thick one, easier to look out at the masses than to meet eyes with a few, at least for me.
In the past, when speaking before crowds my hands would shake and become clammy. For whatever reason, last Sunday this didn’t occur. Yes there was some nervousness, but there was also an overriding calmness. I felt safe. I felt accepted. I felt at home. We should all feel that way within our church communities though I haven’t always in other churches I’ve attended. I was pleased as I looked out on the congregation that for the most part people looked attentive rather than bored or distracted. People actually seemed to be listening to me! I even got a few chuckles at times when I had hoped people would. It was a most uplifting experience to be there in that pulpit sharing a message I felt strongly about and having it well received.
Afterwards I received much praise from people in attendance. It is so much my nature to not believe most praise, to think that it is said in politeness more than anything. However, I am trying to trust the genuineness of people when they say nice things and to reply with a simple “Thank you” rather than protesting against compliments. I don’t know why, but I expected there to be criticism that my sermon was lightweight, not learned enough, perhaps even to have someone point out some theological error that I made somewhere (hence all my earlier research to try to prevent such things). However, none of that happened. Perhaps people were kind because I am, after all, just a layperson, or perhaps they sincerely were touched by the message I shared just as it seems some of my readers here are.
Whatever the case, overall I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and might entertain the offer to do it again sometime in the future. The one thing I’ll change next time is that I will not specifically expect anyone to attend to be my support system. It turns out I stand on my own two feet pretty well with God as my support system.
First, I’m going to address the whiney part. Yes, I’m a bit whiney about one part of what happened. There were three people in the world that I specifically wanted to have attend, mostly to provide me moral support so I would know 100% that I could look to them for encouragement and see someone at least feigning interest in what I had to say. Two of the three I specifically invited to attend. The third is generally there anyway so I didn’t bother to extend a specific invitation although I did make sure this person was aware I would be speaking that day. As it turns out none of the three were there. I felt let down. I have addressed it with each of them though in a very casual way so as not to let on just how hurt I was and received apologies that were probably appropriate for the level of care I expressed. So now it’s time to move on, let go of those hurt feelings, and never speak of it again. Amen.
Preparation for the sermon was interesting, and daunting, and not something I think I would want to do on a weekly basis (though if I were a seminary trained minister I could more quickly access the types of information I sought and would have had a firmer foundation from which to start, so there is that). However, it was quite enlightening to me to see just how much research could be done via the internet. I could read several different versions of the Bible passage and compare them quite easily without having to surround myself with several large books. I could read sermons by others based on the same passage or theme. If I were inclined to pay for the privilege I could have had an even greater wealth of information available to me. Yes, I took the task seriously and did not just “throw something together.” I prayed before and while I wrote. I honestly feel that God drew me to my topic and many of my words. It was indeed a spiritual experience to prepare a sermon.
I had the sermon finished, for the most part, almost a week in advance. That is when I started tweaking and rethinking and eventually overthinking much of it. When all was said and done though it stayed pretty much as it had been other than switching the order of a couple of sections of it to improve the flow. I don’t know why, but I kept putting off rehearsing it out loud. I went over it time and again in my head, but I only spoke it twice before actually giving it at church. If I hadn’t needed to time it I’m not sure I would’ve gotten it spoken even that many times ahead of time. It timed out to 14 minutes by the way, which was well within the 8 to 20 minute range that I was told would be acceptable.
N and I arrived at church for the Sunday School hour, and while he attended Sunday School I made a pest of myself to anyone I could find who was in charge in any way. I was nervous so I wandered about like a puppy dog nipping at the heels of one person and another. Finally, I sat in the very back of the sanctuary and meditated for a while to calm myself.
I was responsible for nothing during the service except the sermon. Someone else led the service, and a third person read the scriptures. I was lucky to be able to sit behind the pulpit largely unseen until sermon time. I was also lucky that there was a particularly full sanctuary that day. I believe it would be harder to speak to a sparse crowd than a thick one, easier to look out at the masses than to meet eyes with a few, at least for me.
In the past, when speaking before crowds my hands would shake and become clammy. For whatever reason, last Sunday this didn’t occur. Yes there was some nervousness, but there was also an overriding calmness. I felt safe. I felt accepted. I felt at home. We should all feel that way within our church communities though I haven’t always in other churches I’ve attended. I was pleased as I looked out on the congregation that for the most part people looked attentive rather than bored or distracted. People actually seemed to be listening to me! I even got a few chuckles at times when I had hoped people would. It was a most uplifting experience to be there in that pulpit sharing a message I felt strongly about and having it well received.
Afterwards I received much praise from people in attendance. It is so much my nature to not believe most praise, to think that it is said in politeness more than anything. However, I am trying to trust the genuineness of people when they say nice things and to reply with a simple “Thank you” rather than protesting against compliments. I don’t know why, but I expected there to be criticism that my sermon was lightweight, not learned enough, perhaps even to have someone point out some theological error that I made somewhere (hence all my earlier research to try to prevent such things). However, none of that happened. Perhaps people were kind because I am, after all, just a layperson, or perhaps they sincerely were touched by the message I shared just as it seems some of my readers here are.
Whatever the case, overall I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and might entertain the offer to do it again sometime in the future. The one thing I’ll change next time is that I will not specifically expect anyone to attend to be my support system. It turns out I stand on my own two feet pretty well with God as my support system.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Coming Soon to a Blog Near You
Okay people, the hiatus is nearly over. A prolific blogger cannot step away from the blog for long although I will say that it was good to give myself a few days to think some things through.
I got caught short last week during a discussion with BJ. I will not share the particulars, but he and I differ on how much of our relationship should be “out there” in the blog world. I will also say that he has left the entire decision to me in regard to what I want to do with this blog. It was my choice to put it on hiatus while I thought through the situation and decided what my personal guidelines for my blog should be.
Let me be the first to say that I overreacted to our discussion. I made it a much bigger issue than he did. My gut reaction was one of hurt and anger. My fear factor went into overdrive. “Another person trying to control me!” it screamed. “I’ll lose him!” it cried. “Life is unbearable!” it moaned. My fear factor gets in the way a lot. Yet, if I had stopped to really listen to him, and indeed when I finally did stop to listen to him I realized I had overreacted and that he was, in fact, not trying to control me nor was I about to lose him and certainly life wasn’t unbearable unless I made it that way.
I understand his feelings on the blog and relationship to some extent and certainly respect his feelings. However, I also feel that my blog is my blog. While I do self-censor (as I think anyone would) to share what I’m comfortable sharing, I have not in the past censored for anyone else’s comfort. What I have done is warn at the beginning of a post when it is explicit so that readers can choose for themselves if they are comfortable reading that type of post. What I have also done, particularly for BJ, is to use a “write and discuss” approach. If I thought a post might take him by surprise after writing it I would warn him that it was there and offer to talk about what was in it so that we were on the same page with one another. In other words, I’ve tried not to use callous disregard when posting yet still maintained my personal integrity by posting my personal truth.
Deleting the blog altogether was never really an option to me (did I mention I overreacted?) although I did consider taking it completely private and using it just as my own personal diary and giving no one else access to it. While this option would allow me to write with absolute candor it would not really serve the purpose that I, as the author of this blog, intend for it. I have always appreciated the feedback aspect of blogging. Even though I don’t have a lot of people leaving comments some do, and I appreciate each and every one of them. I most of all appreciate the ones that challenge my viewpoint and help me see things from another side. It is so easy to become entrenched in one way of thinking about things. I try, rather than to get defensive from differing viewpoints, to learn something from them, to at least try on that way of looking at things to see if looking from another perspective can bring me new insight and perhaps even change my mind on things. Doing it through the written word often (not always) allows me the time to work through the overreaction prior to responding as opposed to conversations where I can sometimes lose my way (like I did last week).
I could, of course, take the blog private and invite just a certain circle of friends to have access to it. The reason that option does not appeal to me is that even though it is comforting to just have my little circle of friends as readers of the blog, I like having new people find my blog and comment on it. I like the new and fresh perspective someone brings when they haven’t been reading my blog long as an adjunct to those familiar and comforting friends.
In the end, there are too many positive things that I enjoy from my blog just the way it is to make any significant changes to it. I will be back soon. I’m not sure exactly when, but soon, and rest assured that any changes you may see over time will only be those that reflect who I am and my comfort level with things.
I got caught short last week during a discussion with BJ. I will not share the particulars, but he and I differ on how much of our relationship should be “out there” in the blog world. I will also say that he has left the entire decision to me in regard to what I want to do with this blog. It was my choice to put it on hiatus while I thought through the situation and decided what my personal guidelines for my blog should be.
Let me be the first to say that I overreacted to our discussion. I made it a much bigger issue than he did. My gut reaction was one of hurt and anger. My fear factor went into overdrive. “Another person trying to control me!” it screamed. “I’ll lose him!” it cried. “Life is unbearable!” it moaned. My fear factor gets in the way a lot. Yet, if I had stopped to really listen to him, and indeed when I finally did stop to listen to him I realized I had overreacted and that he was, in fact, not trying to control me nor was I about to lose him and certainly life wasn’t unbearable unless I made it that way.
I understand his feelings on the blog and relationship to some extent and certainly respect his feelings. However, I also feel that my blog is my blog. While I do self-censor (as I think anyone would) to share what I’m comfortable sharing, I have not in the past censored for anyone else’s comfort. What I have done is warn at the beginning of a post when it is explicit so that readers can choose for themselves if they are comfortable reading that type of post. What I have also done, particularly for BJ, is to use a “write and discuss” approach. If I thought a post might take him by surprise after writing it I would warn him that it was there and offer to talk about what was in it so that we were on the same page with one another. In other words, I’ve tried not to use callous disregard when posting yet still maintained my personal integrity by posting my personal truth.
Deleting the blog altogether was never really an option to me (did I mention I overreacted?) although I did consider taking it completely private and using it just as my own personal diary and giving no one else access to it. While this option would allow me to write with absolute candor it would not really serve the purpose that I, as the author of this blog, intend for it. I have always appreciated the feedback aspect of blogging. Even though I don’t have a lot of people leaving comments some do, and I appreciate each and every one of them. I most of all appreciate the ones that challenge my viewpoint and help me see things from another side. It is so easy to become entrenched in one way of thinking about things. I try, rather than to get defensive from differing viewpoints, to learn something from them, to at least try on that way of looking at things to see if looking from another perspective can bring me new insight and perhaps even change my mind on things. Doing it through the written word often (not always) allows me the time to work through the overreaction prior to responding as opposed to conversations where I can sometimes lose my way (like I did last week).
I could, of course, take the blog private and invite just a certain circle of friends to have access to it. The reason that option does not appeal to me is that even though it is comforting to just have my little circle of friends as readers of the blog, I like having new people find my blog and comment on it. I like the new and fresh perspective someone brings when they haven’t been reading my blog long as an adjunct to those familiar and comforting friends.
In the end, there are too many positive things that I enjoy from my blog just the way it is to make any significant changes to it. I will be back soon. I’m not sure exactly when, but soon, and rest assured that any changes you may see over time will only be those that reflect who I am and my comfort level with things.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Happy Blogiversary
Two years ago today at the beginning of a huge personal crisis I started this blog. My goodness how far I've come in those two years. The time has flown by, and I can hardly believe two whole years have gone by.
I'm amazed that I've stuck with this blogging thing this long, but I must say it has become quite the addiction. Without blogging I'd be lost.
Join me now, won't you, in a little celebration:
I'm amazed that I've stuck with this blogging thing this long, but I must say it has become quite the addiction. Without blogging I'd be lost.
Join me now, won't you, in a little celebration:
Thursday, April 03, 2008
No Comment
More accurately, no replies to your comments. Thank you for those that continue to leave comments even though I'm not replying to them right now. I appreciate every single one of your comments. Somehow I can't bring myself to write replies right now. I can barely even write a post, if you can call what I've been posting lately real posts. If it weren't for my lunacy obsession commitment to Blog 365 I probably wouldn't have posted more than once or twice this week.
So there's not so much to read here, but here's a little song to fill some time and space:
So there's not so much to read here, but here's a little song to fill some time and space:
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Prolific if not Profound
Can a person be addicted to writing? It seems to me that maybe I am in a way. Particularly now that I’m trying to get back on the healthy eating wagon I look for alternative pursuits when the urge strikes to hit the pantry or vending machine or drive thru.
Instead of heading for the food I head for the computer. I sit down. I lovingly open Word. Word and I are such good friends these days. I’ve never had much use for Word, as an accountant and all, but these days Word and I are getting to be good buddies. Word and I, we have this “thing” going on.
I’ve never been the artsy fartsy type (well not the first one anyway) so I’m not one to take to the sketch pad or the canvas in order to “express myself.” I do play the piano a lot when I’m frustrated. It helps calm me usually. Unfortunately, a lot of what I usually play is Dan Fogelberg stuff, and since his death last month playing his stuff makes me cry. Since I cry enough without extra crying ruining the finish on my baby grand I haven’t been playing the piano much lately. Anyway, my point here, and I do have one, is that I have little to no creative energies except those that I pour into the written word. I write, therefore I am.
Now if I could just channel this writing into the book I started to write a while back it could actually go to some good use. Right now, though, even that just brings up thoughts of BJ. He was the one that encouraged me to write the book, convincing me that I had enough knowledge and wisdom about the topic to give it a go. I even have an old high school friend who is an author and who I am sure could teach me something about how one becomes published. Yes, if I could just focus on the topic at hand rather than my god-awful relationship woes, I could write that book in no time. Unfortunately, the words that come from brain to fingertips are about my crappy life, and not about my topic of expertise. My topic of expertise, by the way, has nothing to do with romantic relationships. I have no expertise there, obviously, as evidenced repeatedly in this blog. No my expertise is another area more related to business than personal lives.
Ah well, for now my blog groans from the weight of the words that burst forth from me. January is 31 days long, and as of today, the last day of the month, I’ve published 43 posts during the month. Guess I’ll make that Blog 365 goal easily at this rate.
Well, and just for good measure I thought I'd play a little Fogelberg today:
Instead of heading for the food I head for the computer. I sit down. I lovingly open Word. Word and I are such good friends these days. I’ve never had much use for Word, as an accountant and all, but these days Word and I are getting to be good buddies. Word and I, we have this “thing” going on.
I’ve never been the artsy fartsy type (well not the first one anyway) so I’m not one to take to the sketch pad or the canvas in order to “express myself.” I do play the piano a lot when I’m frustrated. It helps calm me usually. Unfortunately, a lot of what I usually play is Dan Fogelberg stuff, and since his death last month playing his stuff makes me cry. Since I cry enough without extra crying ruining the finish on my baby grand I haven’t been playing the piano much lately. Anyway, my point here, and I do have one, is that I have little to no creative energies except those that I pour into the written word. I write, therefore I am.
Now if I could just channel this writing into the book I started to write a while back it could actually go to some good use. Right now, though, even that just brings up thoughts of BJ. He was the one that encouraged me to write the book, convincing me that I had enough knowledge and wisdom about the topic to give it a go. I even have an old high school friend who is an author and who I am sure could teach me something about how one becomes published. Yes, if I could just focus on the topic at hand rather than my god-awful relationship woes, I could write that book in no time. Unfortunately, the words that come from brain to fingertips are about my crappy life, and not about my topic of expertise. My topic of expertise, by the way, has nothing to do with romantic relationships. I have no expertise there, obviously, as evidenced repeatedly in this blog. No my expertise is another area more related to business than personal lives.
Ah well, for now my blog groans from the weight of the words that burst forth from me. January is 31 days long, and as of today, the last day of the month, I’ve published 43 posts during the month. Guess I’ll make that Blog 365 goal easily at this rate.
Well, and just for good measure I thought I'd play a little Fogelberg today:
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
A Little of This, A Little of That
I will admit that I don't have a clue where I found this, on a blog that was a click here, a click there, away. I found it very interesting though. Out of curiosity I checked a few of my favorite blogs to see how they rated, but I won't share those here. You'll have to check them for yourself.
I would've been disappointed had I rated lower than this. I'm just enough of an education snob to think that it's important to write at a certain level.
And in other news today, thanks to my many fans I've been voted into the Real Blogger World House over at Fade to Numb. If you aren't a regular reader over there I encourage you to follow along with the antics during our week to be starting soon. You may want to check out last year's version too. It was a hoot. Hopefully, this year will be as good or better, although last year's group will be hard to top.
And finally, now that it has become a question of when rather than if I am splitting with W, I am working on my plan of approach. I have to find the proper balance among protecting N, protecting my financial interests, and getting it over with as soon as I can. I must focus on the long term results rather than the short term pain. I look at others who have made this move, and I see how happy they are once the trauma fades. I want that too. I need that.
I would've been disappointed had I rated lower than this. I'm just enough of an education snob to think that it's important to write at a certain level.
And in other news today, thanks to my many fans I've been voted into the Real Blogger World House over at Fade to Numb. If you aren't a regular reader over there I encourage you to follow along with the antics during our week to be starting soon. You may want to check out last year's version too. It was a hoot. Hopefully, this year will be as good or better, although last year's group will be hard to top.
And finally, now that it has become a question of when rather than if I am splitting with W, I am working on my plan of approach. I have to find the proper balance among protecting N, protecting my financial interests, and getting it over with as soon as I can. I must focus on the long term results rather than the short term pain. I look at others who have made this move, and I see how happy they are once the trauma fades. I want that too. I need that.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Wow! 500!
I've seen celebrations of blog anniversaries and hitting 100 posts and 200 posts. I am sure there have also been celebrations of 500 posts. I just can't think of any right now. But here I am at 500 so let the celebration begin! Not that I'm much in the mood for a celebration these days, but who can resist a party?
How does one appropriately celebrate their 500th post? I don't know, but I think like everything else I do in life I'll just wing it. That's pretty much what I've done for the other 499 posts.
It has taken me about a year and a half to post 500 times on this blog. I've probably started and killed another 50 or so posts for various reasons, generally because either I decided the idea sucked or I'd get interrupted and by the time I got back to it things had changed and it didn't make sense anymore. Such is life in Trueself's world.
Life has taken some dramatic twists and turns since I started this blog. I've had more going on in the last year and a half than I had in the 10 years prior taken all together. I am not interesting. I do not feel that I write anything that anyone would want to read, and yet some 40 or so people stop by each day. That's not a lot but probably 20 times the number I ever thought I'd have. Although I mostly blog about my sex (or lack of sex) life and my various relationships I take detours into all sorts of things as they come up in my life.
I can't imagine what I would have done without this blog to record my thoughts. Well, yes I can. I would've had some password protected Word document to store it all. Of course, had I done that I would've gotten no feedback from anyone, and I value the feedback I get. I value all types of feedback, everything from sympathy and support to challenges and critique to even the handful (thankfully very few) of mean spirited criticisms. Ever think I wouldn't want your comment? WRONG! I love comments. I am a comment whore. Please comment. Speak your mind! I welcome all comments. Well, no, not all. I do not welcome spam comments (hence the cumbersome word verification) nor do I welcome comments from Anonymous. I find that Anonymous is generally a jerk, not always but more times than not, so I've kept him/her from posting comments as well. Hell, if you can't comment under a pseudo secret screenname, then you really are a coward the likes of which I don't care to engage in discussion. (Geez, I really ought to learn how to tell it like it is, huh?)
Do I ever intend to quit blogging? Never!! I can't even imagine quitting. I can't imagine ever running out of things to say. I also can't imagine anyone else gives a good gosh darn about it, but I've made a small network of friends through my blog so apparently I say something worth reading occasionally. Even if I lost all of my readers though I'd still keep blogging. Everybody ought to keep a diary of some sort.
Blogging -- It's the diary that talks back. (I kind of borrowed that from Freebird without her permission. Sorry FB!)
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Trueself as Writer?
I have books inside me just waiting to be written. I really believe I could write a book, actually I have ideas for three books. Non-fiction is my realm though. I don't think I could write a novel. Maybe I could, but doubtful.
There has never been a time in my life until recently when I thought that I might be a writer. I'm a numbers person, always have been. I loved math from the get go. Math is good. Math is logical and makes sense. Writing on the other hand is very free form, a creative endeavor. Writing has some rules, but not the kind that dictate like math does so writing isn't as natural to me as math.
Now, however, after blogging for a year and a half I find that not only can I write, but that I enjoy writing. I enjoy giving voice to thoughts in my head, recording them in a way that allows me to set them outside my head clearing it for other thoughts. It gives me a place to store my thoughts so that I don't have to dwell on them.
Recently, it has come to my attention (thanks to suggestions from others) that I might actually have a book or two inside me waiting to get out. Will it ever materialize? I don't know, but at least it is no longer something of which I feel incapable. I do believe that given the time and proper self-discipline that I just very well could write a book. And the topic? Well, I'm not prepared to share that just yet. No, I feel the need to work on it a bit first, have the book much farther along before ever sharing much about it or its topic with the outside world.
Then again, maybe this is all just another way of distracting myself from my life and the actions that need to be taken there.
There has never been a time in my life until recently when I thought that I might be a writer. I'm a numbers person, always have been. I loved math from the get go. Math is good. Math is logical and makes sense. Writing on the other hand is very free form, a creative endeavor. Writing has some rules, but not the kind that dictate like math does so writing isn't as natural to me as math.
Now, however, after blogging for a year and a half I find that not only can I write, but that I enjoy writing. I enjoy giving voice to thoughts in my head, recording them in a way that allows me to set them outside my head clearing it for other thoughts. It gives me a place to store my thoughts so that I don't have to dwell on them.
Recently, it has come to my attention (thanks to suggestions from others) that I might actually have a book or two inside me waiting to get out. Will it ever materialize? I don't know, but at least it is no longer something of which I feel incapable. I do believe that given the time and proper self-discipline that I just very well could write a book. And the topic? Well, I'm not prepared to share that just yet. No, I feel the need to work on it a bit first, have the book much farther along before ever sharing much about it or its topic with the outside world.
Then again, maybe this is all just another way of distracting myself from my life and the actions that need to be taken there.
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