I told W today that I really want to be able to stay friends with J. I told him that J and I talked yesterday. (I was vague. W assumed we talked on the phone.) I told him some of what J and I had talked about yesterday, and how I want to be there for J because I feel like he really needs somebody in his corner.
W was not happy at first, but then he went to run some errands. When he got back, W told me okay; yes, be friends with J, on the phone only, no face-to-face meetings. W even allowed that he might be willing to meet J and get to know him. He even gave me some advice to pass along to J about his marriage situation.
Hmmm. . . . . . . .
This is almost getting too weird even for me. . . . . . . .
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
New Feelings for J
Yesterday, J and I spent the day together. We had breakfast together. We went to the mall and walked around. We spent a few hours in a hotel. We went out for a late lunch. We went our separate ways at the end of the day.
Hmmm. . . sounds so neat and tidy. It wasn't.
Over breakfast I talked about how fucked up things are at home with W. I also asked J what would happen between him and me if he and T got back together. Would it just be goodbye? No, he still wanted to be friends, but the sex would have to stop. Okay. J talked about how fucked up things are with his ex-wife and how vindictive she is and tries to mess things up for him when he is supposed to get to see his kids. Yeah, breakfast was pretty much a downer.
We went to the mall and walked around for a long time. We talked about finances, what we have, what we don't. I talked about how I was more of a caretaker to W now than a wife, also that I feel some obligation to stay and take care of him, but I'm not sure when the hurt and the fighting and the hatefulness becomes too much. T called while we were at the mall with a minor household crisis. J spent a good deal of time on his cell phone with her. Afterwards, J talked about how messed up he and T are, how he is the one to blame for their problems, but he thinks it is too late for him to repair it. I've never seen J so sad. Yeah, the mall was pretty much a downer.
We went to the hotel. J checked us in, and we went up to the room. We undressed, and I gave J his belated birthday present. Physically, it was good, felt great, and we enjoyed each other's bodies. Emotionally, I don't think either of us was really that into it. We wanted it, we did it, but we both had other things on our minds. Afterward we talked more about our marriages. My work called twice, and T called once during the afternoon. In between calls we laid in bed and talked. J told me a whole lot about himself, and his life, and mistakes he's made, and regrets he has. I listened, and I mean I really listened. J is a man in a great deal of pain, much of it self-inflicted through bad choices and actions. After J had time to physically recuperate from our first time, we began again. I had him lay back and let me take care of him. I gave him a really good blowjob, and after he came and I moved back up to snuggle and hold him I said "Happy Birthday." We got dressed, and left.
We went to lunch. We talked more. Finally, it was time to go our separate ways and return to real life. I drove away and so did he.
I don't think J and I have ever had more frank and open discussions than we did yesterday. We opened our hearts and shared secrets. We talked about some of our biggest hopes, and fears, and regrets. I was overcome by a new feeling for J, a deeper love than I've ever had for him, not a silly crush, not a physical lust, but a deep, deep love. I care about him so much. I ache for him that he is in pain right now. Truly, in all the world, the thing that would make me happiest would be to see J happy. If it takes getting back with T to make him happy then I truly hope that happens. I want to be there for J, to be a friend to him (with benefits or without), to be able to support him in whatever way I can.
It's a new chapter with J. I don't have a clue where this is going, but I know I don't feel desperate about it anymore. I know that J and I will always stay connected no matter what happens to either of us in the future. I don't know whether we will ever be lovers again, or if we will ever have the chance to have a serious committed relationship, or if we will just be friends, but I do know that we aren't going to let each other slip away from each other again. I am much more at peace with this now than before.
Now, if I could just make peace with W somehow. . .
Hmmm. . . sounds so neat and tidy. It wasn't.
Over breakfast I talked about how fucked up things are at home with W. I also asked J what would happen between him and me if he and T got back together. Would it just be goodbye? No, he still wanted to be friends, but the sex would have to stop. Okay. J talked about how fucked up things are with his ex-wife and how vindictive she is and tries to mess things up for him when he is supposed to get to see his kids. Yeah, breakfast was pretty much a downer.
We went to the mall and walked around for a long time. We talked about finances, what we have, what we don't. I talked about how I was more of a caretaker to W now than a wife, also that I feel some obligation to stay and take care of him, but I'm not sure when the hurt and the fighting and the hatefulness becomes too much. T called while we were at the mall with a minor household crisis. J spent a good deal of time on his cell phone with her. Afterwards, J talked about how messed up he and T are, how he is the one to blame for their problems, but he thinks it is too late for him to repair it. I've never seen J so sad. Yeah, the mall was pretty much a downer.
We went to the hotel. J checked us in, and we went up to the room. We undressed, and I gave J his belated birthday present. Physically, it was good, felt great, and we enjoyed each other's bodies. Emotionally, I don't think either of us was really that into it. We wanted it, we did it, but we both had other things on our minds. Afterward we talked more about our marriages. My work called twice, and T called once during the afternoon. In between calls we laid in bed and talked. J told me a whole lot about himself, and his life, and mistakes he's made, and regrets he has. I listened, and I mean I really listened. J is a man in a great deal of pain, much of it self-inflicted through bad choices and actions. After J had time to physically recuperate from our first time, we began again. I had him lay back and let me take care of him. I gave him a really good blowjob, and after he came and I moved back up to snuggle and hold him I said "Happy Birthday." We got dressed, and left.
We went to lunch. We talked more. Finally, it was time to go our separate ways and return to real life. I drove away and so did he.
I don't think J and I have ever had more frank and open discussions than we did yesterday. We opened our hearts and shared secrets. We talked about some of our biggest hopes, and fears, and regrets. I was overcome by a new feeling for J, a deeper love than I've ever had for him, not a silly crush, not a physical lust, but a deep, deep love. I care about him so much. I ache for him that he is in pain right now. Truly, in all the world, the thing that would make me happiest would be to see J happy. If it takes getting back with T to make him happy then I truly hope that happens. I want to be there for J, to be a friend to him (with benefits or without), to be able to support him in whatever way I can.
It's a new chapter with J. I don't have a clue where this is going, but I know I don't feel desperate about it anymore. I know that J and I will always stay connected no matter what happens to either of us in the future. I don't know whether we will ever be lovers again, or if we will ever have the chance to have a serious committed relationship, or if we will just be friends, but I do know that we aren't going to let each other slip away from each other again. I am much more at peace with this now than before.
Now, if I could just make peace with W somehow. . .
Friday, June 23, 2006
Plans with J
J sent me this email yesterday evening:
Trueself,
I hope you know you said ALOT in your last email. It is kind of ironic that you actually said you truly loved your spouse despite what has transpired. Also, since I did say I was telling you out of a caring attitude rather than a lecture, do you really want to take out revenge on me? Yeah, where I have been coming from it sounded selfish in what I said.. I apologize but I don't think there was a way around it. It DID sound like something you would have done in high school. For it to be that bad...man..what can I say? We will have alot to talk about Monday, I am sure. When we get together, can you tell me specifically what you had in mind about doing? Just kidding...you said you wanted to give me more for my birthday. What on earth could it be? Hmmmm..... Anyway, let me know in the next day or so where and when. I obviously have to know some specifics before I call in Sunday evening or Monday morning. Talk to you later.
Love,
J
When I was awake in the middle of the night for no good reason I sent the following reply:
J,
Yes, I know I said a lot in my last email. You know what? I do love W. I don't particularly like him a lot right now, but I will always, on a certain level, love him and care about him. Yes, we have a lot to talk about on Monday.
Okay, here’s the plan for Monday. Let’s meet for breakfast at the [insert name of restaurant and directions on how to get there]. As I said before, I will leave the house at 7:30 like I always do so I should be at xxxx between 7:45 and 8:00. Let’s plan on meeting outside in front of the restaurant.
There are lots of motels in the airport area. I have checked prices online. We may be able to get something as cheap as $50-$70 which isn’t too bad if we’re splitting the cost. Nobody that I called would guarantee that we could check in early, but if they have rooms cleaned and ready to go we can check in whenever. Because of that I have made no reservations but have a list of possibilities and thought we could just show up and ask if they have rooms available if that is okay with you. I’m almost certain we’ll find something that isn’t too expensive.
I hate being the one to make all the decisions here. If you have better or different ideas just let me know. I’m easy (obviously). Of course, we can plan out our day over breakfast on Monday, too. I’m really looking forward to spending the day together, and I’m hoping together we can make some of your birthday wishes come true.
And just so you know, I decided not to do anything beyond lunch with G. I was going to and even had plans to meet him again, but after reading your emails, and thinking about it, and realizing that there were certain things about him that seemed kind of off and a little creepy, I decided to turn him down. So maybe I've grown up just a little since high school?
One last thing. What cell phone carrier do you have? If I get a prepaid cell phone I can get a better deal if I'm calling someone with the same carrier. Since I would only use it to call you I might as well get one with the same carrier that you have.
See you on Monday.
Love,
Trueself
This morning, I told W that I have to work on Monday even though I had been planning on taking that day off. The system conversion that we are currently undergoing at work provided a really good reason why I needed to work that day. Sometimes I surprise myself (and not in a good way) by how easy it is to lie about these things.
Trueself,
I hope you know you said ALOT in your last email. It is kind of ironic that you actually said you truly loved your spouse despite what has transpired. Also, since I did say I was telling you out of a caring attitude rather than a lecture, do you really want to take out revenge on me? Yeah, where I have been coming from it sounded selfish in what I said.. I apologize but I don't think there was a way around it. It DID sound like something you would have done in high school. For it to be that bad...man..what can I say? We will have alot to talk about Monday, I am sure. When we get together, can you tell me specifically what you had in mind about doing? Just kidding...you said you wanted to give me more for my birthday. What on earth could it be? Hmmmm..... Anyway, let me know in the next day or so where and when. I obviously have to know some specifics before I call in Sunday evening or Monday morning. Talk to you later.
Love,
J
When I was awake in the middle of the night for no good reason I sent the following reply:
J,
Yes, I know I said a lot in my last email. You know what? I do love W. I don't particularly like him a lot right now, but I will always, on a certain level, love him and care about him. Yes, we have a lot to talk about on Monday.
Okay, here’s the plan for Monday. Let’s meet for breakfast at the [insert name of restaurant and directions on how to get there]. As I said before, I will leave the house at 7:30 like I always do so I should be at xxxx between 7:45 and 8:00. Let’s plan on meeting outside in front of the restaurant.
There are lots of motels in the airport area. I have checked prices online. We may be able to get something as cheap as $50-$70 which isn’t too bad if we’re splitting the cost. Nobody that I called would guarantee that we could check in early, but if they have rooms cleaned and ready to go we can check in whenever. Because of that I have made no reservations but have a list of possibilities and thought we could just show up and ask if they have rooms available if that is okay with you. I’m almost certain we’ll find something that isn’t too expensive.
I hate being the one to make all the decisions here. If you have better or different ideas just let me know. I’m easy (obviously). Of course, we can plan out our day over breakfast on Monday, too. I’m really looking forward to spending the day together, and I’m hoping together we can make some of your birthday wishes come true.
And just so you know, I decided not to do anything beyond lunch with G. I was going to and even had plans to meet him again, but after reading your emails, and thinking about it, and realizing that there were certain things about him that seemed kind of off and a little creepy, I decided to turn him down. So maybe I've grown up just a little since high school?
One last thing. What cell phone carrier do you have? If I get a prepaid cell phone I can get a better deal if I'm calling someone with the same carrier. Since I would only use it to call you I might as well get one with the same carrier that you have.
See you on Monday.
Love,
Trueself
This morning, I told W that I have to work on Monday even though I had been planning on taking that day off. The system conversion that we are currently undergoing at work provided a really good reason why I needed to work that day. Sometimes I surprise myself (and not in a good way) by how easy it is to lie about these things.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
G is for Gone
After all my ranting and raving and wanting it so badly even though I knew it was stupid, I came to my senses a little. The last email from G, coupled with a couple of things he said yesterday at lunch, made me too nervous to follow through with tomorrow afternoon.
I sent the following email to back out:
G,
I've been thinking about this, and I think I'm going to back out. I'm sorry. Call it cold feet, or being chicken, or I don't know what. It's me, though, not you. You are very nice, and I hope you find someone that will be better at this than I am. I am very sorry to change my mind, but I'm just not comfortable doing this right now.
Trueself
Although the truth is he really kind of spooked me, I didn't want that to come across in the email. If he is kind of a creep, I don't need him trying to track me down because I've ticked him off or something. Although I never told him where I work he knows the general area and also knows what kind of car I drive so I just thought it better to make him feel like the problem was all mine, not his. Hopefully, that's the end of G, and I can resume focus on J and what to do about him.
I sent the following email to back out:
G,
I've been thinking about this, and I think I'm going to back out. I'm sorry. Call it cold feet, or being chicken, or I don't know what. It's me, though, not you. You are very nice, and I hope you find someone that will be better at this than I am. I am very sorry to change my mind, but I'm just not comfortable doing this right now.
Trueself
Although the truth is he really kind of spooked me, I didn't want that to come across in the email. If he is kind of a creep, I don't need him trying to track me down because I've ticked him off or something. Although I never told him where I work he knows the general area and also knows what kind of car I drive so I just thought it better to make him feel like the problem was all mine, not his. Hopefully, that's the end of G, and I can resume focus on J and what to do about him.
Emails: Disturbing, Disturbed and Weird
J sent the following email last night:
Trueself,
About Monday.....I think closer to where you are would be best. I will probably leave at the normal time which is at 5:30 am which means I can be anywhere anytime. Just let me know by Sunday afternoon what the exact plan since phone usage will be restricted.
About the other thing... you really acted like you hated to see me go at the mall. You have known all along where I was in regards with T.. However, in the mean time we both said that if secrecy was secured then having fun together would be alright. It is true that I shoudn't say anything about you and another guy. But after the scare we had the first time, and the fact you were going to agree to do whatever with someone you don't know off the internet, even if your marriage sucks.....well you might want to think about that one. Whether I was involved or not, thinking about it would be a good thing. Did I wake up a desire for me, or just for guys in general? I had to ask that. I hope I come across as caring, and not being hateful and lecturing. I know it sounds as if ...well I am after another person first, so I should butt out. I don't think you want me to butt out whether I end up back with T, or not. Well, write back when you can. If you still want to see me Monday let me know. I was thinking about breakfast, but drinking anything would sure mess me up. I am really sure you know what I mean by that. Anyway, talk to you later.
Love,
J
In reply, I sent the following email this morning:
J,
To address many of the points you made in your email: I did hate to see you go at the mall. Yes, I have known all along about T. Yes, I would like to continue secretly getting together with you. You not only woke up a desire for you, but a desire for certain physical things that W is no longer capable of. As I said, up until I read your email on Monday, I thought that you and I were over, at least for the time being. I had been trying to move on with life. I am not ready to lead a celibate lifestyle yet that is what had been forced on me for the last year plus. While I would much rather pursue a physical relationship with you, I had decided to make what I thought I could out of a bad situation. Given that you and I are not through, obviously, then I will have to rethink the whole situation.
If I do go through with something with G, it will be for me just following a pattern of behavior that I started many, many years ago. I will be trying to fill an emotional need with a physical act. I will be trying to get revenge on both W and you, to take out my anger against the two of you, to punish the two of you, the two men that I love, for withholding from me the love and acceptance and comfort that I so crave. How do you think I feel knowing that even if you and T don't work out, even if you were to pursue a more permanent relationship with me in the future, I would always just be second best, the best you could do because you couldn't have the one you loved most? How do you think I feel knowing that although my husband claims to love me, to want to keep me around, he keeps secrets from me and withholds affection from me? So you can lecture me about the dangers of hooking up with a man I've met on the internet, you can lecture me about how self-destructive I am, you can lecture me about how you've been honest all along so that I have no right to feel hurt, but none of that matters to me. All that matters to me is that I am trying to make the pain go away, even for an hour. I am trying to find a way to block out the hurt, the anger, the frustration. I know that turning to another man, a man I don't even care about, is not the right answer. Unfortunately, right now I can't find the right answer. I don't know what to do, so I am grasping at straws, grasping at the same things I've done in the past, setting myself on a sure course for self-destruction. All the while, hoping against hope that someone will care enough about me to stop me, to prove to me that I am worth more than this, but that won't happen. It never has, and I've given up hope that it ever will.
Of course I still want to see you on Monday. I have arranged to have the day off from work and am working on figuring out where we should meet. I will definitely let you know when I know more. As to the phone thing, actually W gave me a pretty good idea when I found out about his prepaid cell phone. I might have to get myself one of those. If I do, you'll be the first one I give the number to.
Love,
Trueself
As far as G goes, I am starting to rethink Friday afternoon. I'm not sure I can go through with it. He had sent an email last night telling me what hotel to meet him at on Friday afternoon. I replied this morning that I would be there.
Then G sent me an email this morning:
I tried to get the room myself, but you may have to show Id, That homeland security thing. Would this be a problem?
G
WTF?!? I've checked in to lots of hotels with W and never have I had to show ID. When I checked in on that Saturday with J and got a room for two, nobody asked for the other party's ID only mine. Something doesn't sound right. That combined with the second thoughts I was having anyway after reading J's email to me, makes me think I ought to back out of this one. I don't know. I just don't know. . .
Trueself,
About Monday.....I think closer to where you are would be best. I will probably leave at the normal time which is at 5:30 am which means I can be anywhere anytime. Just let me know by Sunday afternoon what the exact plan since phone usage will be restricted.
About the other thing... you really acted like you hated to see me go at the mall. You have known all along where I was in regards with T.. However, in the mean time we both said that if secrecy was secured then having fun together would be alright. It is true that I shoudn't say anything about you and another guy. But after the scare we had the first time, and the fact you were going to agree to do whatever with someone you don't know off the internet, even if your marriage sucks.....well you might want to think about that one. Whether I was involved or not, thinking about it would be a good thing. Did I wake up a desire for me, or just for guys in general? I had to ask that. I hope I come across as caring, and not being hateful and lecturing. I know it sounds as if ...well I am after another person first, so I should butt out. I don't think you want me to butt out whether I end up back with T, or not. Well, write back when you can. If you still want to see me Monday let me know. I was thinking about breakfast, but drinking anything would sure mess me up. I am really sure you know what I mean by that. Anyway, talk to you later.
Love,
J
In reply, I sent the following email this morning:
J,
To address many of the points you made in your email: I did hate to see you go at the mall. Yes, I have known all along about T. Yes, I would like to continue secretly getting together with you. You not only woke up a desire for you, but a desire for certain physical things that W is no longer capable of. As I said, up until I read your email on Monday, I thought that you and I were over, at least for the time being. I had been trying to move on with life. I am not ready to lead a celibate lifestyle yet that is what had been forced on me for the last year plus. While I would much rather pursue a physical relationship with you, I had decided to make what I thought I could out of a bad situation. Given that you and I are not through, obviously, then I will have to rethink the whole situation.
If I do go through with something with G, it will be for me just following a pattern of behavior that I started many, many years ago. I will be trying to fill an emotional need with a physical act. I will be trying to get revenge on both W and you, to take out my anger against the two of you, to punish the two of you, the two men that I love, for withholding from me the love and acceptance and comfort that I so crave. How do you think I feel knowing that even if you and T don't work out, even if you were to pursue a more permanent relationship with me in the future, I would always just be second best, the best you could do because you couldn't have the one you loved most? How do you think I feel knowing that although my husband claims to love me, to want to keep me around, he keeps secrets from me and withholds affection from me? So you can lecture me about the dangers of hooking up with a man I've met on the internet, you can lecture me about how self-destructive I am, you can lecture me about how you've been honest all along so that I have no right to feel hurt, but none of that matters to me. All that matters to me is that I am trying to make the pain go away, even for an hour. I am trying to find a way to block out the hurt, the anger, the frustration. I know that turning to another man, a man I don't even care about, is not the right answer. Unfortunately, right now I can't find the right answer. I don't know what to do, so I am grasping at straws, grasping at the same things I've done in the past, setting myself on a sure course for self-destruction. All the while, hoping against hope that someone will care enough about me to stop me, to prove to me that I am worth more than this, but that won't happen. It never has, and I've given up hope that it ever will.
Of course I still want to see you on Monday. I have arranged to have the day off from work and am working on figuring out where we should meet. I will definitely let you know when I know more. As to the phone thing, actually W gave me a pretty good idea when I found out about his prepaid cell phone. I might have to get myself one of those. If I do, you'll be the first one I give the number to.
Love,
Trueself
As far as G goes, I am starting to rethink Friday afternoon. I'm not sure I can go through with it. He had sent an email last night telling me what hotel to meet him at on Friday afternoon. I replied this morning that I would be there.
Then G sent me an email this morning:
I tried to get the room myself, but you may have to show Id, That homeland security thing. Would this be a problem?
G
WTF?!? I've checked in to lots of hotels with W and never have I had to show ID. When I checked in on that Saturday with J and got a room for two, nobody asked for the other party's ID only mine. Something doesn't sound right. That combined with the second thoughts I was having anyway after reading J's email to me, makes me think I ought to back out of this one. I don't know. I just don't know. . .
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Date with G
Just got back from lunch with G. He is nice, nothing special, appears to be just a regular guy, definitely a better pick for a purely physical thing than someone that I might hit it off with better and therefore develop feelings for. He is in a similar situation to mine, married for a long time, wife with medical problems, looking for a physical release. It was readily apparent that he was as nervous as I was. I believe he was honest when he said that this is the first time he's done this. We agreed that we will give this a try and decided to meet up for a couple of hours on Friday afternoon. If we enjoy ourselves we'll meet regularly. At any time, if either of us decides we don't want to continue, we just say so, walk away, and no hurt feelings.
Manipulation
J called yesterday afternoon on my work number. Of course, being at work made it impossible to talk too candidly, but we did manage to discuss a few things. He wants to get together next Monday, and has no problem taking the day off. He wants me to make the arrangements for a motel which ticked me off because if he wants it so bad then why do I have to make all the arrangements? Why do I have to make it easy for him?
J is obviously as confused as I am about this whole situation, and where we go from here. He said that he is in love with two women and not sure what to do. He talked a lot about T. He obviously does love her. It also seems obvious to me from what he’s saying that eventually things will not work out with the two of them although I didn’t share that with him. I talked about W too, saying things that would hurt J the way he hurt me when talking about T. I also told him about my date with G today. That really ticked him off, and that pretty much ended the conversation with him saying to just let him know about Monday when I know what we’re doing.
Last night I sent him the following email (from a new account I set up that W knows nothing about):
J,
I just want to clarify something I said to you on the phone today because you sounded somewhat jealous or ticked off that I would be going out on a date tomorrow at lunch. When you and I got together it awakened some physical urges in me that I had suppressed for a long, long time. Until I got your email on Monday morning I was under the assumption that there was nothing going on between you and me right now. I met someone online over the weekend, a married man looking for a physical, not emotional, relationship. I figured why not? I don't really have much of a marriage, and I didn't think that I had much prospect with you, so I decided to go for it. What I don't understand is why you would care what I do when I'm not with you when you don't want any commitments with me anyway. I'm a bit confused. Anyway, I would imagine tomorrow will be lunch only, just to get to know one another. Then we'll decide what we want in the future.
As far as Monday goes, I have a few questions for you. What time do you want to meet? Where do you want me to find a place? Here in xxxxxxx or somewhere closer to you? I will have to leave home at 7:30 like I always do and be back between 5:30 and 6:00 like always to make it appear that it's a normal workday. I don't know that we can check into a motel too early in the morning, probably not before noon. Let me know how you would see this working. This would be so much easier if you or I had some friend that would let us use their place, but I don't have any and you said you didn't either so we'll just have to do the best we can.
Love,
Trueself
Am I manipulative? Absolutely
Am I a selfish bitch? Without a doubt
Do I feel guilty over the things I’m doing? A little, but not as much as I would have expected or as much as I did for a while
Sex is not the be all end all to a relationship, but when the sex is not there at all it is really, really hard to deal with. I am at a point now that I would like to see my marriage continue for N’s sake. I would like to try to stay with W, but I simply will not live with an unsatisfactory sex life. If I have to lie and sneak around in order to keep me satisfied and keep the marriage together, then I will do it. If J eventually is free and wants more of a relationship with me, I will deal with that at that time. I’m no longer sure though that I would leave W if J were available and wanting more of a commitment. Maybe keeping an intact home for N is a higher priority. I’m not sure just yet.
J is obviously as confused as I am about this whole situation, and where we go from here. He said that he is in love with two women and not sure what to do. He talked a lot about T. He obviously does love her. It also seems obvious to me from what he’s saying that eventually things will not work out with the two of them although I didn’t share that with him. I talked about W too, saying things that would hurt J the way he hurt me when talking about T. I also told him about my date with G today. That really ticked him off, and that pretty much ended the conversation with him saying to just let him know about Monday when I know what we’re doing.
Last night I sent him the following email (from a new account I set up that W knows nothing about):
J,
I just want to clarify something I said to you on the phone today because you sounded somewhat jealous or ticked off that I would be going out on a date tomorrow at lunch. When you and I got together it awakened some physical urges in me that I had suppressed for a long, long time. Until I got your email on Monday morning I was under the assumption that there was nothing going on between you and me right now. I met someone online over the weekend, a married man looking for a physical, not emotional, relationship. I figured why not? I don't really have much of a marriage, and I didn't think that I had much prospect with you, so I decided to go for it. What I don't understand is why you would care what I do when I'm not with you when you don't want any commitments with me anyway. I'm a bit confused. Anyway, I would imagine tomorrow will be lunch only, just to get to know one another. Then we'll decide what we want in the future.
As far as Monday goes, I have a few questions for you. What time do you want to meet? Where do you want me to find a place? Here in xxxxxxx or somewhere closer to you? I will have to leave home at 7:30 like I always do and be back between 5:30 and 6:00 like always to make it appear that it's a normal workday. I don't know that we can check into a motel too early in the morning, probably not before noon. Let me know how you would see this working. This would be so much easier if you or I had some friend that would let us use their place, but I don't have any and you said you didn't either so we'll just have to do the best we can.
Love,
Trueself
Am I manipulative? Absolutely
Am I a selfish bitch? Without a doubt
Do I feel guilty over the things I’m doing? A little, but not as much as I would have expected or as much as I did for a while
Sex is not the be all end all to a relationship, but when the sex is not there at all it is really, really hard to deal with. I am at a point now that I would like to see my marriage continue for N’s sake. I would like to try to stay with W, but I simply will not live with an unsatisfactory sex life. If I have to lie and sneak around in order to keep me satisfied and keep the marriage together, then I will do it. If J eventually is free and wants more of a relationship with me, I will deal with that at that time. I’m no longer sure though that I would leave W if J were available and wanting more of a commitment. Maybe keeping an intact home for N is a higher priority. I’m not sure just yet.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Second Thoughts
I had second thoughts yesterday afternoon, and sent J the following email:
J,
You know how I feel about you. You know I want to spend time with you. You know that if I could I would spend as much time this Saturday with you as you wanted doing all the things we both want to do.
BUT (and you knew there was going to be a "but" here right?) I can't do this. The risk is too great. I can't possibly come up with a good enough story for W to willingly let me out for a few hours, and I can't risk him taking N away from me and him contacting T if he were to find out what I am up to. He reminds me often that he will do both of those things if he finds I have any further contact with you. If it were only the N issue, I would fight him for custody, and I'm pretty sure I could win or at least get joint custody, but it was never my intention to come between you and T so I can't risk that he would talk to her and mess things up even worse for you. You deserve every chance possible to make things right with her if you can, and you don't need him interfering with that.
This is killing me to turn you down. I wish there was some way to do it. I really do.
I just had a different thought while writing this. There's no chance you could take a vacation day during the week is there? I could easily take one of the next two Mondays off without W knowing. I'd just have to call in and check voicemail a couple of times in case he calls me at work. If not one of the next two Mondays, we'd have to wait until the end of July due to quarter end closing, but then it wouldn't have to be on a Monday either but could be any day the last week of July.
Think about it. Let me know.
Love,
Trueself
Clearly, by the time I finished writing the email, I had reversed myself somewhat on my second thoughts.
Still planning on lunch with G tomorrow. At least with G, if anything happens it is purely physical with no emotional entanglements like there are with J.
________________________________
UPDATE:
At lunchtime, I called J and left a voicemail message for him asking him to call me at work if he can, or if not, to find a payphone and use my phonecard PIN (which I gave him) to call me on my cell phone. I feel a strong need to talk to J so both of us can clarify some things from the email messages. I hate that I can't let go, but I don't want to let go. I don't want to let J get away from me.
J,
You know how I feel about you. You know I want to spend time with you. You know that if I could I would spend as much time this Saturday with you as you wanted doing all the things we both want to do.
BUT (and you knew there was going to be a "but" here right?) I can't do this. The risk is too great. I can't possibly come up with a good enough story for W to willingly let me out for a few hours, and I can't risk him taking N away from me and him contacting T if he were to find out what I am up to. He reminds me often that he will do both of those things if he finds I have any further contact with you. If it were only the N issue, I would fight him for custody, and I'm pretty sure I could win or at least get joint custody, but it was never my intention to come between you and T so I can't risk that he would talk to her and mess things up even worse for you. You deserve every chance possible to make things right with her if you can, and you don't need him interfering with that.
This is killing me to turn you down. I wish there was some way to do it. I really do.
I just had a different thought while writing this. There's no chance you could take a vacation day during the week is there? I could easily take one of the next two Mondays off without W knowing. I'd just have to call in and check voicemail a couple of times in case he calls me at work. If not one of the next two Mondays, we'd have to wait until the end of July due to quarter end closing, but then it wouldn't have to be on a Monday either but could be any day the last week of July.
Think about it. Let me know.
Love,
Trueself
Clearly, by the time I finished writing the email, I had reversed myself somewhat on my second thoughts.
Still planning on lunch with G tomorrow. At least with G, if anything happens it is purely physical with no emotional entanglements like there are with J.
________________________________
UPDATE:
At lunchtime, I called J and left a voicemail message for him asking him to call me at work if he can, or if not, to find a payphone and use my phonecard PIN (which I gave him) to call me on my cell phone. I feel a strong need to talk to J so both of us can clarify some things from the email messages. I hate that I can't let go, but I don't want to let go. I don't want to let J get away from me.
Monday, June 19, 2006
History Repeats Itself
OMG. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m a complete idiot.
I met a man, G, online this weekend. He is also married, a few years older than I. We’re going to lunch together on Wednesday. If we hit it off, we intend to do much more than just have lunch. I know why I am doing this. I am still trying to fill the void, that gnawing chasm inside me that yearns for acceptance, comfort, affection. So knowing why you do what you do is half the battle. Okay, so I’m only halfway through the battle because I am heading full steam ahead in spite of knowing what it is that I’m doing and why.
Not only that, but when I got to work today I had an email from J.
Trueself,
Can't stay away... I had to write you and tell you how much I liked the birthday card email I received from you. I first have to tell you I am still committed to trying to work things out with you know who. But things are not going very well. I still am working hard to do that. But, I have to tell you that I had a good time the 3 times I have seen you, especially the second time. I am going to have to ask this. If there is any way you and I can hook up next Saturday so you can give me everything that you want to for my birthday, if you know what I mean, and of course I can return in kind , I want to meet you. I will help you pay for it if need be. Can we try for round 2? I am willing if you are!!! Let me know. I know that one goal is to keep it between us. Another is to have some enjoyment between two people who love each other. Anyway, let me know. I will talk to you later.
Love,
J
Wow. J still wants me, sort of, in a temporary sort of way. But I already have a date with G this week. I want to meet G and see where that goes. I want to get together with J too. Dang, this is getting complicated (and, unfortunately, fun and exciting). I want (no not want, but crave) the validation that this attention is giving me.
And this weekend with W was rough, really rough. We fought, again. We each confronted the other with new found information suggestive of more secrets and lies between us. We both denied that there has been wrong-doing. We are both suspicious of each other. I am now back to thinking the marriage is unraveling where just last week I thought we might just be able to repair it.
I sent the following email reply to J:
J,
I can't stay away either. I also don't have any idea how I can get away next Saturday. Give me a couple of days to work on it, and I'll see what I can work out. W pretty much keeps a tight rein on me these days. If he is not with me he makes sure N is since he knows I won't see you or call you with N around. I will try really, really hard to come up with a decent cover story so you and I can spend part of Saturday together.
When the cell phone bill came, W found out I had called the Super 8 in xxxxxxxxxx on that Saturday. (Stupid me! Can't believe I used my cell phone to check availability.) He questioned me at length about it. I admitted to calling over there and even making a reservation. I told him I chickened out before anything happened. I'm not sure he entirely believes me. Also, I found a number on our caller ID at home with a XXX area code and W's name on it. I questioned him at length about that since he swears he keeps no secrets from me. He tells me it was a prepaid cell phone that he gave to a friend of his over there (I'm not even sure where "over there" is. He never really said). He says he had made arrangements with this friend to rent a room if I kicked him out. I don't know. The story sounds fishy to me. I think he's got something going on with this "friend" while I'm at work, and I may have found the real source of our little medical problem a while back. Sorry, this is probably too much information. I'm just upset because all of this just came out this weekend. Weekends at our house just aren't much fun anymore. We seem to do our best fighting then. If it weren't for N, I'd just walk out. I keep trying to stay for his sake. I'm not sure at what point it just isn't worth the effort anymore.
Anyway, I'll see what I can come up with for this Saturday. I'll email or call you once I know whether or not I can make it.
Love,
J
So here I am, not only not working on repairing my marriage but actively making it even worse. Not only that, I am repeating self-destructive behavior, fully aware of what I’m doing, fully aware of why, eyes wide open to the possibility that this will all blow up horribly in my face.
I met a man, G, online this weekend. He is also married, a few years older than I. We’re going to lunch together on Wednesday. If we hit it off, we intend to do much more than just have lunch. I know why I am doing this. I am still trying to fill the void, that gnawing chasm inside me that yearns for acceptance, comfort, affection. So knowing why you do what you do is half the battle. Okay, so I’m only halfway through the battle because I am heading full steam ahead in spite of knowing what it is that I’m doing and why.
Not only that, but when I got to work today I had an email from J.
Trueself,
Can't stay away... I had to write you and tell you how much I liked the birthday card email I received from you. I first have to tell you I am still committed to trying to work things out with you know who. But things are not going very well. I still am working hard to do that. But, I have to tell you that I had a good time the 3 times I have seen you, especially the second time. I am going to have to ask this. If there is any way you and I can hook up next Saturday so you can give me everything that you want to for my birthday, if you know what I mean, and of course I can return in kind , I want to meet you. I will help you pay for it if need be. Can we try for round 2? I am willing if you are!!! Let me know. I know that one goal is to keep it between us. Another is to have some enjoyment between two people who love each other. Anyway, let me know. I will talk to you later.
Love,
J
Wow. J still wants me, sort of, in a temporary sort of way. But I already have a date with G this week. I want to meet G and see where that goes. I want to get together with J too. Dang, this is getting complicated (and, unfortunately, fun and exciting). I want (no not want, but crave) the validation that this attention is giving me.
And this weekend with W was rough, really rough. We fought, again. We each confronted the other with new found information suggestive of more secrets and lies between us. We both denied that there has been wrong-doing. We are both suspicious of each other. I am now back to thinking the marriage is unraveling where just last week I thought we might just be able to repair it.
I sent the following email reply to J:
J,
I can't stay away either. I also don't have any idea how I can get away next Saturday. Give me a couple of days to work on it, and I'll see what I can work out. W pretty much keeps a tight rein on me these days. If he is not with me he makes sure N is since he knows I won't see you or call you with N around. I will try really, really hard to come up with a decent cover story so you and I can spend part of Saturday together.
When the cell phone bill came, W found out I had called the Super 8 in xxxxxxxxxx on that Saturday. (Stupid me! Can't believe I used my cell phone to check availability.) He questioned me at length about it. I admitted to calling over there and even making a reservation. I told him I chickened out before anything happened. I'm not sure he entirely believes me. Also, I found a number on our caller ID at home with a XXX area code and W's name on it. I questioned him at length about that since he swears he keeps no secrets from me. He tells me it was a prepaid cell phone that he gave to a friend of his over there (I'm not even sure where "over there" is. He never really said). He says he had made arrangements with this friend to rent a room if I kicked him out. I don't know. The story sounds fishy to me. I think he's got something going on with this "friend" while I'm at work, and I may have found the real source of our little medical problem a while back. Sorry, this is probably too much information. I'm just upset because all of this just came out this weekend. Weekends at our house just aren't much fun anymore. We seem to do our best fighting then. If it weren't for N, I'd just walk out. I keep trying to stay for his sake. I'm not sure at what point it just isn't worth the effort anymore.
Anyway, I'll see what I can come up with for this Saturday. I'll email or call you once I know whether or not I can make it.
Love,
J
So here I am, not only not working on repairing my marriage but actively making it even worse. Not only that, I am repeating self-destructive behavior, fully aware of what I’m doing, fully aware of why, eyes wide open to the possibility that this will all blow up horribly in my face.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Birthdays
So far so good on staying away from J. It was hard though because J’s birthday was this week. I was very, very tempted to call him that day, but I didn’t. What I did do is I went ahead and let an ecard go to him that I had set up about a month ago (before I had agreed to cut ties to J). I had set it up early because I didn’t want to forget his birthday. I could have cancelled it, but I chose not to. I know I probably should have, but I would have been that much more tempted to call had I not known the ecard was there.
W’s birthday is next week. What is it with me and men born in June? Taurus isn’t even supposed to get along with Gemini. Maybe that’s my problem. I keep picking men with incompatible zodiac signs (not that I actually believe in horoscopes, well not entirely).
It is ever so much easier to say “Put J out of your mind” than it is to actually do it. Damn it, I wish I didn’t love him. Whenever he comes into my thoughts I tell myself all the negatives about him and remind myself why he and I would never work in a long-term relationship. And yet, I still love him. Damn.
Damn, damn, damn.
W’s birthday is next week. What is it with me and men born in June? Taurus isn’t even supposed to get along with Gemini. Maybe that’s my problem. I keep picking men with incompatible zodiac signs (not that I actually believe in horoscopes, well not entirely).
It is ever so much easier to say “Put J out of your mind” than it is to actually do it. Damn it, I wish I didn’t love him. Whenever he comes into my thoughts I tell myself all the negatives about him and remind myself why he and I would never work in a long-term relationship. And yet, I still love him. Damn.
Damn, damn, damn.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Nothing Much Going On
I am trying to stay away from J in all ways and haven't communicated with him this week since Monday's email. I know I need to stay away from him, and I keep hoping my desire for him will fade over time.
I know that J's kids are with him until Father's Day so it would do no good to try and contact him until then anyway. One week after that, my family will be going on vacation. The hardest time I will have is that week between Father's Day and our vacation. Hopefully, I can sustain the willpower to leave J alone. I really think I can unless he contacts me first. Then it will be more difficult, but I have to persevere.
I have to make this marriage work, and try to fall back in love with W. He is working so hard on this marriage, and I am struggling so much with it. Things just went so far wrong before trying to turn it around. I still don't know if we can make it, but I will keep trying at least for a while. I can't expect things to be great overnight. I'm trying to be patient.
I know that J's kids are with him until Father's Day so it would do no good to try and contact him until then anyway. One week after that, my family will be going on vacation. The hardest time I will have is that week between Father's Day and our vacation. Hopefully, I can sustain the willpower to leave J alone. I really think I can unless he contacts me first. Then it will be more difficult, but I have to persevere.
I have to make this marriage work, and try to fall back in love with W. He is working so hard on this marriage, and I am struggling so much with it. Things just went so far wrong before trying to turn it around. I still don't know if we can make it, but I will keep trying at least for a while. I can't expect things to be great overnight. I'm trying to be patient.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Bringing Things Up to Date
Last Friday afternoon, I decided to call J again. My fear was that maybe he had sent an email response and I hadn't gotten it due to the firewall or spam filter on the company email system. I called him from a payphone on my way home from work. He answered after several rings. I asked him if he'd gotten my email. He said yes and asked if I'd gotten his reply. No, I told him, I hadn't. I asked him to tell me what it said. He said that he had turned down my offer for Saturday for the following reasons:
Love,
Trueself
I really am trying to let go of all of this. I really am. Except for seriously checking out www.alibinetwork.com yesterday. Still scheming. . .
- Two hours wasn't a very long time to have together.
- It would be a long drive (a little more than two hours each way) for such a small amount of time together.
- Meeting at my house seemed risky.
- J didn't particularly want W to murder him. (Oh right, like that was going to happen.)
I was disappointed, but I told him I understood and had to go because I was due at home.
When I got to work on Monday morning this email awaited me:
Trueself,
Just seeing if this got to you.... Don't know why the other one didn't. You can let me know if this did get to you.
Love,
J
Here is my reply:
J,
Yes, this one got to me. I don't know either why the other one didn't.
Oh, well. Turns out it was a very good thing that you said no to Saturday. W's daughter and son-in-law arrived unexpectedly on Friday night and left on Saturday which would have made it impossible for you and me to be together that day.
I really am going to try and live up to my agreement with W and not contact you (we'll see how long that lasts). If you are ever curious about what I'm up to you can check out my blog at www.[my regular blog, not this one].blogspot.com.
Love,
Trueself
I really am trying to let go of all of this. I really am. Except for seriously checking out www.alibinetwork.com yesterday. Still scheming. . .
Monday, June 05, 2006
New Insights
Thanks to this ongoing mess with J, and this blog where I store my thoughts, and my therapist who is helping me dig into me in spite of myself, I am developing some new insights into various aspects of my life and personality.
Here, I present some of this insight with the thought that maybe if I see it in print I can make some sense of it somehow:
I am convinced I am unlovable, an outcast, an outsider.
I spend a whole lot of time and energy trying to get others to affirm that I am NOT in fact unlovable, an outcast, an outsider.
I have made far fewer bad decisions than I have contemplated. I contemplate and condemn myself for the mere contemplation rather than judging myself based on my actions.
My fear of being alone often leads me into actions that are detrimental to myself.
My fear of losing W to death from one of his illnesses/disabilities has lead me to pull away and distance myself from him emotionally in an effort to protect myself.
It is also my fear of losing W that has at least partially caused me to fling myself headlong at J.
Fear is the overriding emotion that drives many of my actions.
I need to work on managing my fears in better ways according to my therapist, and I'm sure she is right.
I tend to go after men who are still married because somehow it proves to me how desirable I am if I can lure them away from the current wife (even if they are already separated). Going after J is not the first time I did this. W was also married when he and I started dating.
I am very, very insecure.
Here, I present some of this insight with the thought that maybe if I see it in print I can make some sense of it somehow:
I am convinced I am unlovable, an outcast, an outsider.
I spend a whole lot of time and energy trying to get others to affirm that I am NOT in fact unlovable, an outcast, an outsider.
I have made far fewer bad decisions than I have contemplated. I contemplate and condemn myself for the mere contemplation rather than judging myself based on my actions.
My fear of being alone often leads me into actions that are detrimental to myself.
My fear of losing W to death from one of his illnesses/disabilities has lead me to pull away and distance myself from him emotionally in an effort to protect myself.
It is also my fear of losing W that has at least partially caused me to fling myself headlong at J.
Fear is the overriding emotion that drives many of my actions.
I need to work on managing my fears in better ways according to my therapist, and I'm sure she is right.
I tend to go after men who are still married because somehow it proves to me how desirable I am if I can lure them away from the current wife (even if they are already separated). Going after J is not the first time I did this. W was also married when he and I started dating.
I am very, very insecure.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Too Much Information
True statements in bold.
False statements not in bold.
I’ve Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex.
I’ve Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex.
I've Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Opposite Sex.
I've Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Same Sex.
I’ve Never Had A Three-Some.
I’ve Never Been In Love.
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Public Place.
I’ve Never Had Group Intercourse.
I’ve Never Been Spanked.
I’ve Never Been Tied Up.
I’ve Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone.
I’ve Never Made Out With A Stranger.
I’ve Never Gone On A Blind Date.
I’ve Never Had A Crush On A Teacher or Professor.
I’ve Never Slept With A Co-Worker.
I’ve Never Had Sex At The Office.
I’ve Never Been Married.
I’ve Never Been Divorced.
I’ve Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week.
I’ve Never Posed Nude.
I've Never Watched Porn.
I’ve Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them.
I’ve Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner.
I’ve Never Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party.
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room.
I’ve Never Flashed Anyone.
I’ve Never Met Anyone From Online.
I've Never Cheated On My Significant Other.
I've Never Masturbated.
I've Never Used A Sex Toy On Myself.
I've Never Used A Sex Toy On Someone Else.
I've Never Danced On A Table Or Bar.
I've Never Strip-Teased For Anyone.
I've Never Received A Rim Job.
I've Never Given A Rim Job.
I've Never Received A Hand Job.
I've Never Given A Hand Job.
I've Never Had Sex In A Hammock.
I've Never Performed Oral Sex.
I've Never Received Oral Sex.
I've Never Given Anal Sex.
I've Never Received Anal Sex.
I've Never Had Sex involving a strapon.
I've Never Given/Received A Golden Shower.
I've Never Had Sex With Someone While Fantasizing About Having Sex With Someone Else.
I've Never Had A Sex Dream.
I've Never Had An Orgasm By Myself.
I've Never Had An Orgasm With/By Someone Else.
I've Never Had Phone Sex.
I've Never Had Cyber Sex.
I've Never Role-Played.
I've Never Played Strip Poker.
Well, there isn't a whole lot I haven't done. Don't know if that's good or bad.
False statements not in bold.
I’ve Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex.
I’ve Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex.
I've Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Opposite Sex.
I've Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Same Sex.
I’ve Never Had A Three-Some.
I’ve Never Been In Love.
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Public Place.
I’ve Never Had Group Intercourse.
I’ve Never Been Spanked.
I’ve Never Been Tied Up.
I’ve Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone.
I’ve Never Made Out With A Stranger.
I’ve Never Gone On A Blind Date.
I’ve Never Had A Crush On A Teacher or Professor.
I’ve Never Slept With A Co-Worker.
I’ve Never Had Sex At The Office.
I’ve Never Been Married.
I’ve Never Been Divorced.
I’ve Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week.
I’ve Never Posed Nude.
I've Never Watched Porn.
I’ve Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them.
I’ve Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner.
I’ve Never Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party.
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room.
I’ve Never Flashed Anyone.
I’ve Never Met Anyone From Online.
I've Never Cheated On My Significant Other.
I've Never Masturbated.
I've Never Used A Sex Toy On Myself.
I've Never Used A Sex Toy On Someone Else.
I've Never Danced On A Table Or Bar.
I've Never Strip-Teased For Anyone.
I've Never Received A Rim Job.
I've Never Given A Rim Job.
I've Never Received A Hand Job.
I've Never Given A Hand Job.
I've Never Had Sex In A Hammock.
I've Never Performed Oral Sex.
I've Never Received Oral Sex.
I've Never Given Anal Sex.
I've Never Received Anal Sex.
I've Never Had Sex involving a strapon.
I've Never Given/Received A Golden Shower.
I've Never Had Sex With Someone While Fantasizing About Having Sex With Someone Else.
I've Never Had A Sex Dream.
I've Never Had An Orgasm By Myself.
I've Never Had An Orgasm With/By Someone Else.
I've Never Had Phone Sex.
I've Never Had Cyber Sex.
I've Never Role-Played.
I've Never Played Strip Poker.
Well, there isn't a whole lot I haven't done. Don't know if that's good or bad.
No Response
Haven't gotten a response from J to my email about tomorrow. Since I can't call him from my cell phone, I went and bought a prepaid phone card yesterday at lunch time so I could call him. I called and left a message on his cell phone asking him to please at least let me know yes or no. He hasn't. I'm going to assume the answer is no.
In a way, I'm disappointed, but in a way, it is a relief. I feel like he has saved me from myself. I know I've been wrong in all this. I know I should feel remorse for it, but I don't. Somehow I've known all along that someone other than myself would have to stop me. Somehow I've known all along that I would push until I pushed too hard. It's what I do. It's what I've always done.
Oh well. Maybe I can get on with life now. Maybe I can focus my attentions on my family again.
Or maybe I can find someone else's attention. (My super secret fear)
In a way, I'm disappointed, but in a way, it is a relief. I feel like he has saved me from myself. I know I've been wrong in all this. I know I should feel remorse for it, but I don't. Somehow I've known all along that someone other than myself would have to stop me. Somehow I've known all along that I would push until I pushed too hard. It's what I do. It's what I've always done.
Oh well. Maybe I can get on with life now. Maybe I can focus my attentions on my family again.
Or maybe I can find someone else's attention. (My super secret fear)
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