Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Bringing Things Up to Date

Last Friday afternoon, I decided to call J again. My fear was that maybe he had sent an email response and I hadn't gotten it due to the firewall or spam filter on the company email system. I called him from a payphone on my way home from work. He answered after several rings. I asked him if he'd gotten my email. He said yes and asked if I'd gotten his reply. No, I told him, I hadn't. I asked him to tell me what it said. He said that he had turned down my offer for Saturday for the following reasons:
  1. Two hours wasn't a very long time to have together.
  2. It would be a long drive (a little more than two hours each way) for such a small amount of time together.
  3. Meeting at my house seemed risky.
  4. J didn't particularly want W to murder him. (Oh right, like that was going to happen.)

I was disappointed, but I told him I understood and had to go because I was due at home.

When I got to work on Monday morning this email awaited me:

Trueself,

Just seeing if this got to you.... Don't know why the other one didn't. You can let me know if this did get to you.

Love,
J

Here is my reply:

J,

Yes, this one got to me. I don't know either why the other one didn't.

Oh, well. Turns out it was a very good thing that you said no to Saturday. W's daughter and son-in-law arrived unexpectedly on Friday night and left on Saturday which would have made it impossible for you and me to be together that day.
I really am going to try and live up to my agreement with W and not contact you (we'll see how long that lasts). If you are ever curious about what I'm up to you can check out my blog at www.[my regular blog, not this one].blogspot.com.

And one last request. Please let me know when (I know it will be when, not if) you and T get back together. That way I'll know for sure that the door is really closed. Thanks.

Love,
Trueself


I really am trying to let go of all of this. I really am. Except for seriously checking out www.alibinetwork.com yesterday. Still scheming. . .

2 comments:

Stinkypaw said...

Trueself, IF you were truly lettting it go you wouldn't be doing all the things you are. Give it a rest already! And PLEASE stop saying that you're trying, at least be honest with your true self and realise (if not admit) that you are NOT!

And that place "Alibi Network" how sick is that! You are a GROWN WOMAN, act like one! If you have the gutts to contact J over and over, to get calling cards, etc not to get caught, etc. then there is something "guttsy" in you - you do have courage you are simply not using it the right way. Did you ever think of that?

You are enabling your fears (or the thoughts of your fears) to dictate how you're behaving, but never loose sight that you are in control , even if you may not feel like you are. You are manipulating this situation YOU created so well. You know (or think you know)what yo want and will do anything to get it - why don't you apply that energy for a good thing instead?

Stop talking the talk, and start walking the walk! I know you CAN walk! ;-D

trueself said...

As usual, you are right. I am manipulating the situation. I am really good at crafting my story for each audience (J and W) to gain sympathy and compassion from each of them, to give each of them a demonized picture of the other. Neither of them is as bad as I make them sound to the other, nor is either as good as I make them believe about themselves.

All of this is very selfserving on my part, and part of me thrives on the very drama of it all. It seems too boring to let go of it, to get back to normal life.

I AM trying, though, to straighten myself out. I really am. I just am not doing a very good job of it yet. I have just recently really faced up to how manipulative I can be, and how much I enjoy playing the victim, and how much I enjoy the drama I can create. These are very ugly traits, but they are deeply ingrained in me. I am struggling to overcome them. I have manipulated people for as long as I can remember but didn't see it as manipulation for a long time. I am wrestling with the person I am vs. the person that I for so long believed myself to be. It's a process that I am struggling to get through.