Emails: Disturbing, Disturbed and Weird

J sent the following email last night:

Trueself,

About Monday.....I think closer to where you are would be best. I will probably leave at the normal time which is at 5:30 am which means I can be anywhere anytime. Just let me know by Sunday afternoon what the exact plan since phone usage will be restricted.

About the other thing... you really acted like you hated to see me go at the mall. You have known all along where I was in regards with T.. However, in the mean time we both said that if secrecy was secured then having fun together would be alright. It is true that I shoudn't say anything about you and another guy. But after the scare we had the first time, and the fact you were going to agree to do whatever with someone you don't know off the internet, even if your marriage sucks.....well you might want to think about that one. Whether I was involved or not, thinking about it would be a good thing. Did I wake up a desire for me, or just for guys in general? I had to ask that. I hope I come across as caring, and not being hateful and lecturing. I know it sounds as if ...well I am after another person first, so I should butt out. I don't think you want me to butt out whether I end up back with T, or not. Well, write back when you can. If you still want to see me Monday let me know. I was thinking about breakfast, but drinking anything would sure mess me up. I am really sure you know what I mean by that. Anyway, talk to you later.

Love,
J

In reply, I sent the following email this morning:

J,

To address many of the points you made in your email: I did hate to see you go at the mall. Yes, I have known all along about T. Yes, I would like to continue secretly getting together with you. You not only woke up a desire for you, but a desire for certain physical things that W is no longer capable of. As I said, up until I read your email on Monday, I thought that you and I were over, at least for the time being. I had been trying to move on with life. I am not ready to lead a celibate lifestyle yet that is what had been forced on me for the last year plus. While I would much rather pursue a physical relationship with you, I had decided to make what I thought I could out of a bad situation. Given that you and I are not through, obviously, then I will have to rethink the whole situation.

If I do go through with something with G, it will be for me just following a pattern of behavior that I started many, many years ago. I will be trying to fill an emotional need with a physical act. I will be trying to get revenge on both W and you, to take out my anger against the two of you, to punish the two of you, the two men that I love, for withholding from me the love and acceptance and comfort that I so crave. How do you think I feel knowing that even if you and T don't work out, even if you were to pursue a more permanent relationship with me in the future, I would always just be second best, the best you could do because you couldn't have the one you loved most? How do you think I feel knowing that although my husband claims to love me, to want to keep me around, he keeps secrets from me and withholds affection from me? So you can lecture me about the dangers of hooking up with a man I've met on the internet, you can lecture me about how self-destructive I am, you can lecture me about how you've been honest all along so that I have no right to feel hurt, but none of that matters to me. All that matters to me is that I am trying to make the pain go away, even for an hour. I am trying to find a way to block out the hurt, the anger, the frustration. I know that turning to another man, a man I don't even care about, is not the right answer. Unfortunately, right now I can't find the right answer. I don't know what to do, so I am grasping at straws, grasping at the same things I've done in the past, setting myself on a sure course for self-destruction. All the while, hoping against hope that someone will care enough about me to stop me, to prove to me that I am worth more than this, but that won't happen. It never has, and I've given up hope that it ever will.

Of course I still want to see you on Monday. I have arranged to have the day off from work and am working on figuring out where we should meet. I will definitely let you know when I know more. As to the phone thing, actually W gave me a pretty good idea when I found out about his prepaid cell phone. I might have to get myself one of those. If I do, you'll be the first one I give the number to.

Love,

Trueself

As far as G goes, I am starting to rethink Friday afternoon. I'm not sure I can go through with it. He had sent an email last night telling me what hotel to meet him at on Friday afternoon. I replied this morning that I would be there.

Then G sent me an email this morning:

I tried to get the room myself, but you may have to show Id, That homeland security thing. Would this be a problem?

G

WTF?!? I've checked in to lots of hotels with W and never have I had to show ID. When I checked in on that Saturday with J and got a room for two, nobody asked for the other party's ID only mine. Something doesn't sound right. That combined with the second thoughts I was having anyway after reading J's email to me, makes me think I ought to back out of this one. I don't know. I just don't know. . .