Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Second Thoughts

I had second thoughts yesterday afternoon, and sent J the following email:


You know how I feel about you. You know I want to spend time with you. You know that if I could I would spend as much time this Saturday with you as you wanted doing all the things we both want to do.

BUT (and you knew there was going to be a "but" here right?) I can't do this. The risk is too great. I can't possibly come up with a good enough story for W to willingly let me out for a few hours, and I can't risk him taking N away from me and him contacting T if he were to find out what I am up to. He reminds me often that he will do both of those things if he finds I have any further contact with you. If it were only the N issue, I would fight him for custody, and I'm pretty sure I could win or at least get joint custody, but it was never my intention to come between you and T so I can't risk that he would talk to her and mess things up even worse for you. You deserve every chance possible to make things right with her if you can, and you don't need him interfering with that.

This is killing me to turn you down. I wish there was some way to do it. I really do.

I just had a different thought while writing this. There's no chance you could take a vacation day during the week is there? I could easily take one of the next two Mondays off without W knowing. I'd just have to call in and check voicemail a couple of times in case he calls me at work. If not one of the next two Mondays, we'd have to wait until the end of July due to quarter end closing, but then it wouldn't have to be on a Monday either but could be any day the last week of July.

Think about it. Let me know.



Clearly, by the time I finished writing the email, I had reversed myself somewhat on my second thoughts.

Still planning on lunch with G tomorrow. At least with G, if anything happens it is purely physical with no emotional entanglements like there are with J.

At lunchtime, I called J and left a voicemail message for him asking him to call me at work if he can, or if not, to find a payphone and use my phonecard PIN (which I gave him) to call me on my cell phone. I feel a strong need to talk to J so both of us can clarify some things from the email messages. I hate that I can't let go, but I don't want to let go. I don't want to let J get away from me.


Stinkypaw said...

It must be nice to lead a double life the way you do? I'm curious, that's all. When I read what you write here, how willful you screw yourself up, as well as others in your life, I'm totally flabbergasted!

You don't want to let go of J, fine! But, for fucksake, deal with it!

And, please, if you're not honest with your trueself, at least be honest with you readers - especially on your other blog - stop playing this role of the good person trying to make things right, you're not. You say you realise certain things and then you're about to do more of it, if not worst. Stop the trickery.

You are NOT a victim, you are a master manipulator and a starved debauched individual... and it is sad...

trueself said...

Well, of course I'm leading a double life. That's what started this whole second blog anyway as a place to write about things I couldn't write about on the blog that my husband knows about. If my husband wasn't aware of the first blog and didn't read it daily, I would include all that is here over there and wouldn't even have this blog.

The other blog is as honest as it can be given my husband's readership of it. And truly, I don't feel that I am that dishonest in it. I've admitted to struggling with fidelity there. I just haven't detailed the extent of the current struggle. I AM trying to make my marriage work for our son. I truly believe that. If lying to my husband about my activities is necessary to make the marriage work for now, then that is what I will do. Yes, at some point I will come clean on all counts in my other blog, but that time will not come until either (1) my husband is aware of what is going on, (2)I leave my husband or (3) my husband passes away. (Given his age and health the third is always a possibility.)

I realize that at any time you or the one other person aware of the existence and identity of both blogs could "out" me at any time. I hope that doesn't happen, but if it does I'll deal with it. Knowing me I won't deal with it in the best possible way, but I'll deal with it.