Tuesday, June 27, 2006

New Feelings for J

Yesterday, J and I spent the day together. We had breakfast together. We went to the mall and walked around. We spent a few hours in a hotel. We went out for a late lunch. We went our separate ways at the end of the day.

Hmmm. . . sounds so neat and tidy. It wasn't.

Over breakfast I talked about how fucked up things are at home with W. I also asked J what would happen between him and me if he and T got back together. Would it just be goodbye? No, he still wanted to be friends, but the sex would have to stop. Okay. J talked about how fucked up things are with his ex-wife and how vindictive she is and tries to mess things up for him when he is supposed to get to see his kids. Yeah, breakfast was pretty much a downer.

We went to the mall and walked around for a long time. We talked about finances, what we have, what we don't. I talked about how I was more of a caretaker to W now than a wife, also that I feel some obligation to stay and take care of him, but I'm not sure when the hurt and the fighting and the hatefulness becomes too much. T called while we were at the mall with a minor household crisis. J spent a good deal of time on his cell phone with her. Afterwards, J talked about how messed up he and T are, how he is the one to blame for their problems, but he thinks it is too late for him to repair it. I've never seen J so sad. Yeah, the mall was pretty much a downer.

We went to the hotel. J checked us in, and we went up to the room. We undressed, and I gave J his belated birthday present. Physically, it was good, felt great, and we enjoyed each other's bodies. Emotionally, I don't think either of us was really that into it. We wanted it, we did it, but we both had other things on our minds. Afterward we talked more about our marriages. My work called twice, and T called once during the afternoon. In between calls we laid in bed and talked. J told me a whole lot about himself, and his life, and mistakes he's made, and regrets he has. I listened, and I mean I really listened. J is a man in a great deal of pain, much of it self-inflicted through bad choices and actions. After J had time to physically recuperate from our first time, we began again. I had him lay back and let me take care of him. I gave him a really good blowjob, and after he came and I moved back up to snuggle and hold him I said "Happy Birthday." We got dressed, and left.

We went to lunch. We talked more. Finally, it was time to go our separate ways and return to real life. I drove away and so did he.

I don't think J and I have ever had more frank and open discussions than we did yesterday. We opened our hearts and shared secrets. We talked about some of our biggest hopes, and fears, and regrets. I was overcome by a new feeling for J, a deeper love than I've ever had for him, not a silly crush, not a physical lust, but a deep, deep love. I care about him so much. I ache for him that he is in pain right now. Truly, in all the world, the thing that would make me happiest would be to see J happy. If it takes getting back with T to make him happy then I truly hope that happens. I want to be there for J, to be a friend to him (with benefits or without), to be able to support him in whatever way I can.

It's a new chapter with J. I don't have a clue where this is going, but I know I don't feel desperate about it anymore. I know that J and I will always stay connected no matter what happens to either of us in the future. I don't know whether we will ever be lovers again, or if we will ever have the chance to have a serious committed relationship, or if we will just be friends, but I do know that we aren't going to let each other slip away from each other again. I am much more at peace with this now than before.

Now, if I could just make peace with W somehow. . .

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