Monday, June 05, 2006

New Insights

Thanks to this ongoing mess with J, and this blog where I store my thoughts, and my therapist who is helping me dig into me in spite of myself, I am developing some new insights into various aspects of my life and personality.

Here, I present some of this insight with the thought that maybe if I see it in print I can make some sense of it somehow:

I am convinced I am unlovable, an outcast, an outsider.

I spend a whole lot of time and energy trying to get others to affirm that I am NOT in fact unlovable, an outcast, an outsider.

I have made far fewer bad decisions than I have contemplated. I contemplate and condemn myself for the mere contemplation rather than judging myself based on my actions.

My fear of being alone often leads me into actions that are detrimental to myself.

My fear of losing W to death from one of his illnesses/disabilities has lead me to pull away and distance myself from him emotionally in an effort to protect myself.

It is also my fear of losing W that has at least partially caused me to fling myself headlong at J.

Fear is the overriding emotion that drives many of my actions.

I need to work on managing my fears in better ways according to my therapist, and I'm sure she is right.

I tend to go after men who are still married because somehow it proves to me how desirable I am if I can lure them away from the current wife (even if they are already separated). Going after J is not the first time I did this. W was also married when he and I started dating.

I am very, very insecure.

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