Deepest Darkest Thoughts: No Response

Friday, June 02, 2006

No Response

Haven't gotten a response from J to my email about tomorrow. Since I can't call him from my cell phone, I went and bought a prepaid phone card yesterday at lunch time so I could call him. I called and left a message on his cell phone asking him to please at least let me know yes or no. He hasn't. I'm going to assume the answer is no.

In a way, I'm disappointed, but in a way, it is a relief. I feel like he has saved me from myself. I know I've been wrong in all this. I know I should feel remorse for it, but I don't. Somehow I've known all along that someone other than myself would have to stop me. Somehow I've known all along that I would push until I pushed too hard. It's what I do. It's what I've always done.

Oh well. Maybe I can get on with life now. Maybe I can focus my attentions on my family again.

Or maybe I can find someone else's attention. (My super secret fear)

1 comment:

stinkypaw said...: If you've known all along that it is what you do and always done, why don't you do something else to correct it?

I'm not judging you, I'm trying to figure out what you really want out of this, beside being caught and some attention?

BTW, stop thinkning about what you should feel and just just be. Leave yourself alone. And also, stop pretending like you don't care. You do! The fact that you're thinking about not having remorse is some form of remorse.; 6/02/2006 9:18 AM

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Words to Live By

We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors...but they all exist very nicely in the same box. -- Unknown
Sometimes you just do what you gotta do, mess or not. -- BJ
The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. -- Plato
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. -- Matthew 7:1-5

Who's Who in Trueself's World

Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
Freud - My therapist
Dr K - My psychiatrist, the one who medicates me when the talk therapy with Freud just isn't enough
Boss - My previous supervisor who used to scare the shit out of me and now I only find mildly annoying on most days.
Snow White - A coworker, also psycho
Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
FU - My brother; the initials here may or may not represent what I would like to tell him most of the time
FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
TS2 - Former housemate who just so happens to have the same first name as I do. She drove W & N crazy, and sometimes me a little bit too, but the extra income from her rent sure helped.
M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
Q - W's girlfriend while he and I were separated
H, K, & S - Guys I met online who shared with me various levels of adult type fun from time to time
G & L - Guys I met online that went nowhere
R & V - Women I met online that went nowhere
T - J's second ex-wife
If an actual name is used instead of just a letter it is generally not the real name but a name made up to protect anonymity.