Manipulation

J called yesterday afternoon on my work number. Of course, being at work made it impossible to talk too candidly, but we did manage to discuss a few things. He wants to get together next Monday, and has no problem taking the day off. He wants me to make the arrangements for a motel which ticked me off because if he wants it so bad then why do I have to make all the arrangements? Why do I have to make it easy for him?

J is obviously as confused as I am about this whole situation, and where we go from here. He said that he is in love with two women and not sure what to do. He talked a lot about T. He obviously does love her. It also seems obvious to me from what he’s saying that eventually things will not work out with the two of them although I didn’t share that with him. I talked about W too, saying things that would hurt J the way he hurt me when talking about T. I also told him about my date with G today. That really ticked him off, and that pretty much ended the conversation with him saying to just let him know about Monday when I know what we’re doing.

Last night I sent him the following email (from a new account I set up that W knows nothing about):

J,

I just want to clarify something I said to you on the phone today because you sounded somewhat jealous or ticked off that I would be going out on a date tomorrow at lunch. When you and I got together it awakened some physical urges in me that I had suppressed for a long, long time. Until I got your email on Monday morning I was under the assumption that there was nothing going on between you and me right now. I met someone online over the weekend, a married man looking for a physical, not emotional, relationship. I figured why not? I don't really have much of a marriage, and I didn't think that I had much prospect with you, so I decided to go for it. What I don't understand is why you would care what I do when I'm not with you when you don't want any commitments with me anyway. I'm a bit confused. Anyway, I would imagine tomorrow will be lunch only, just to get to know one another. Then we'll decide what we want in the future.

As far as Monday goes, I have a few questions for you. What time do you want to meet? Where do you want me to find a place? Here in xxxxxxx or somewhere closer to you? I will have to leave home at 7:30 like I always do and be back between 5:30 and 6:00 like always to make it appear that it's a normal workday. I don't know that we can check into a motel too early in the morning, probably not before noon. Let me know how you would see this working. This would be so much easier if you or I had some friend that would let us use their place, but I don't have any and you said you didn't either so we'll just have to do the best we can.

Love,

Trueself

Am I manipulative? Absolutely
Am I a selfish bitch? Without a doubt
Do I feel guilty over the things I’m doing? A little, but not as much as I would have expected or as much as I did for a while

Sex is not the be all end all to a relationship, but when the sex is not there at all it is really, really hard to deal with. I am at a point now that I would like to see my marriage continue for N’s sake. I would like to try to stay with W, but I simply will not live with an unsatisfactory sex life. If I have to lie and sneak around in order to keep me satisfied and keep the marriage together, then I will do it. If J eventually is free and wants more of a relationship with me, I will deal with that at that time. I’m no longer sure though that I would leave W if J were available and wanting more of a commitment. Maybe keeping an intact home for N is a higher priority. I’m not sure just yet.