Monday, June 19, 2006

History Repeats Itself

OMG. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I’m a complete idiot.

I met a man, G, online this weekend. He is also married, a few years older than I. We’re going to lunch together on Wednesday. If we hit it off, we intend to do much more than just have lunch. I know why I am doing this. I am still trying to fill the void, that gnawing chasm inside me that yearns for acceptance, comfort, affection. So knowing why you do what you do is half the battle. Okay, so I’m only halfway through the battle because I am heading full steam ahead in spite of knowing what it is that I’m doing and why.

Not only that, but when I got to work today I had an email from J.

Can't stay away... I had to write you and tell you how much I liked the birthday card email I received from you. I first have to tell you I am still committed to trying to work things out with you know who. But things are not going very well. I still am working hard to do that. But, I have to tell you that I had a good time the 3 times I have seen you, especially the second time. I am going to have to ask this. If there is any way you and I can hook up next Saturday so you can give me everything that you want to for my birthday, if you know what I mean, and of course I can return in kind , I want to meet you. I will help you pay for it if need be. Can we try for round 2? I am willing if you are!!! Let me know. I know that one goal is to keep it between us. Another is to have some enjoyment between two people who love each other. Anyway, let me know. I will talk to you later.

Wow. J still wants me, sort of, in a temporary sort of way. But I already have a date with G this week. I want to meet G and see where that goes. I want to get together with J too. Dang, this is getting complicated (and, unfortunately, fun and exciting). I want (no not want, but crave) the validation that this attention is giving me.

And this weekend with W was rough, really rough. We fought, again. We each confronted the other with new found information suggestive of more secrets and lies between us. We both denied that there has been wrong-doing. We are both suspicious of each other. I am now back to thinking the marriage is unraveling where just last week I thought we might just be able to repair it.

I sent the following email reply to J:


I can't stay away either. I also don't have any idea how I can get away next Saturday. Give me a couple of days to work on it, and I'll see what I can work out. W pretty much keeps a tight rein on me these days. If he is not with me he makes sure N is since he knows I won't see you or call you with N around. I will try really, really hard to come up with a decent cover story so you and I can spend part of Saturday together.

When the cell phone bill came, W found out I had called the Super 8 in xxxxxxxxxx on that Saturday. (Stupid me! Can't believe I used my cell phone to check availability.) He questioned me at length about it. I admitted to calling over there and even making a reservation. I told him I chickened out before anything happened. I'm not sure he entirely believes me. Also, I found a number on our caller ID at home with a XXX area code and W's name on it. I questioned him at length about that since he swears he keeps no secrets from me. He tells me it was a prepaid cell phone that he gave to a friend of his over there (I'm not even sure where "over there" is. He never really said). He says he had made arrangements with this friend to rent a room if I kicked him out. I don't know. The story sounds fishy to me. I think he's got something going on with this "friend" while I'm at work, and I may have found the real source of our little medical problem a while back. Sorry, this is probably too much information. I'm just upset because all of this just came out this weekend. Weekends at our house just aren't much fun anymore. We seem to do our best fighting then. If it weren't for N, I'd just walk out. I keep trying to stay for his sake. I'm not sure at what point it just isn't worth the effort anymore.

Anyway, I'll see what I can come up with for this Saturday. I'll email or call you once I know whether or not I can make it.


So here I am, not only not working on repairing my marriage but actively making it even worse. Not only that, I am repeating self-destructive behavior, fully aware of what I’m doing, fully aware of why, eyes wide open to the possibility that this will all blow up horribly in my face.

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