Saturday, December 23, 2006

Taking stock, yet again

Seems like I’m always stopping to take stock, see where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going. Seems like eventually I’d get this all worked out and not have to stop over and over to take stock. Seems like it, but apparently it doesn’t work that way. Apparently I have to take a couple of steps forward, and then take stock before I can take another step forward.

The concept I am currently struggling with is this – how did I get from Point A (having an ill husband and terrified of losing him) to Point B (wanting to divorce said husband) in just a bit more than a year?
1. How could my opinions change so very radically in that amount of time? How could I go from wanting to make my marriage better to wanting out of it?
2. How did I get from there to here?
3. Why did I spend my summer in search of meaningless emotionless sex only to find that wasn’t what I was really looking for after all?
4. And are the feelings and thoughts I have now any more rational and/or valid that those I had in the past?
5. Is there any reason to think that the decisions I am making now are any better than the ones I made in the past, or that they are not perhaps even worse?
6. Am I rationalizing now, or was I rationalizing then? Or both?
7. And where and how do I find the confidence to know that I am following the right path?
8. And why are there so many more questions than answers?
9. And where does one turn for answers to these types of questions?
10. And why isn’t there a simple instruction manual somewhere to guide me through all of this? Why can’t I just follow steps 1-8 and achieve result Y?
11. Where is the book Life for Dummies? I need that book right here and right now, the definitive guide to life, how to make every choice a good one, how to determine the right course of action in every situation, how to find happiness and better yet contentedness.
12. And why do the writers of the blogs I read almost all seem to have their acts together and write so much more coherently than I do?

The answers, to the best of my ability:
1. I realize that most of what I was feeling a year ago was based on fear and the belief that I could not take care of myself, that I needed someone else to take care of me. Now, I’m beginning to see that I can be responsible and capable and competent so it is easier for me to acknowledge the bad side of the relationship.
2. I got here by dealing with some of the things inside me that were holding me back – depression, low self-esteem, fear, denial.
3. Because I was confused about what I needed and how to get it. What I needed most was validation, validation that I was indeed a desirable woman, validation that not all men were completely turned off by me. And I did get that validation.
4. Boy, not sure on this one. I hope so, but I’m afraid not.
5. I think my decisions are better, but I’m really not sure. Otherwise I wouldn’t be asking the question, now would I?
6. Probably both.
7. This is a hard one for me for I still find that I trust others’ judgment more than mine and that I depend on others’ opinions far too much and my own far too little.
8. I suspect it is because I’m human.
9. Anyone? Anyone care to answer this one?
10. Because life just doesn’t work that way so quit whining and deal with it.
11. Boy, if anybody ever writes that one I’ll be the first one out there buying it.
12. Probably because rather than spewing words onto the page with ultimate frequency they cogitate a bit and analyze and think and edit and just do a damn better job than I do.


All of her Secrets said...

I wish I had the answers too..I wish I could find the courage to do what I need to do in my life... hugs

Rob said...

To answer but a few of your questions (strictly in my own opinion, you understand):

9. And where does one turn for answers to these types of questions?

Quite simply, there are no pat tried-and-true one-size-fits-all answers for everyone. You learn by living, by taking risks, by making mistakes, by correcting your thinking, by refocussing, by starting over if required, by never giving up, by stubbornly persisting until satisfied with results. Get the idea? No free lunch.

12. And why do the writers of the blogs I read almost all seem to have their acts together and write so much more coherently than I do?

So you think! Talk's cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Do you think that everyone tells the entire story in one's blog? They may express themselves more cleverly but who is to say that they all have all the right answers for themselves. No one is perfect. Not you. Not me. Definitely not them. Just remember, you are just as worthy as the next person.

The name of the game is to be content first within yourself. Start there and the rest will work itself out. Trust me.

Anonymous said...

So many questions, let me know when you get all the answers because i need someone to cheat off of in this test.

freebird said...

I can certainly echo Q8 - 12.
Q12 has given me writer's cramp many a time!

Val said...

That's a great post, TS...
Funny, I SWEAR I tried to post a long thoughtful comment re: you & J but somehow it must not have gone thru???
Maybe it's for the best -- for now I need to quit wastin' time surfing the Net & get back to housework, my in-laws are coming in THREE DAYS!!!
Happy Holidays, let's hope for a better New Year!