Thursday, December 28, 2006

Agony and Ecstasy

The Agony
Telling W that I was leaving for a couple of days and want him to move out. I took the chicken's way out, and told him on the phone as I was driving out of town. He tried a couple of ways to emotionally blackmail me, threatening to disappear and not stay in N's life. I refused to let him blackmail me this time though. This time I said "Do what you have to. I think it would be better for N if you stayed in his life. I want you to stay in his life, but you do what you have to."

Work also sucks. At the busiest time of the year, we have one coworker out on maternity leave leaving the other four of us to pick up the slack. Although I was supposed to have all this week off, I had to work Wednesday and will have to be back Friday. I am not happy.

The Ecstasy
I'm with BJ since last night until early tomorrow morning. He is wonderful. Being with him is wonderful. Touching him, kissing him and all the rest is wonderful. Staring into his eyes is wonderful. Talking to him is wonderful. Yes, this is the ecstasy in my life. Unfortunately, at least for now, it comes in much too small quantity.


All of her Secrets said...

they may be few and far between, but those moments are oh so special..have a wonderful time

Fiona said...

I can empathise TS - but aren't those hours, minutes, seconds just so incredibly wonderful in their intensity!!

Enjoy them, bask in the warmth of each other's affection, no matter how few or far between the visits :)

trueself said...

AOHS & Fiona,
Yes, I do very much appreciate and enjoy the small amount of time BJ and I get to have together. It was hell leaving this morning, but I had to drive all the way back to work (~3 hours). It was very hard to walk away from those touches and kisses we shared this morning before I left.

But now, abruptly, I'm back in the real world left to deal with the agonizing part of my life, and left to look forward to the next time BJ and I can be together.

Anonymous said...

I think what you said to W was right on. Call his bluff and if he does disappear that is his call not yours. You are not responsible for someone else's actions.

trueself said...

FL, thanks for that. I struggle with that one a lot, feeling like if he disappears (or kills himself, another threat he has made, rarely, but he has made it) that it would be my fault because I could have prevented it if I just "behaved myself." As long as I do that, though, he has all the power, and I have none. Life shouldn't be like that.

You know, sometimes this "being an adult" thing isn't all that easy.