Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Back to the Stars

My horoscope for today:

This could be a day of inner turmoil for you, dear Taurus. You will be rethinking some of your fundamental values and are unsure if they are still relevant to your life. It is clear that some soul-searching is in order for you. There are no right or wrong answers here, only what is in your heart. If your goal is to live authentically, then you will need to make some big changes in your life. But don't act rashly. Think things all the way through before taking action.

Wow. This couldn't be more appropriate to my situation right now if they tried, particularly the part I highlighted with italics. Yes my goal is to live authentically, and yes I know that will require some big changes because divorce is a big big change. No, I don't want to act rashly. I'm trying to think things all the way through before taking action. Sometimes I think I'm taking too much time thinking things through, and that's what's keeping me from moving forward.

This is particularly relevant with regard to something BJ and I discussed last night. We want to see each other again and were trying to figure out when we might be able to meet. There are so many constraints. He has obligations this weekend and on Sunday the 17th. Then it’s Christmas weekend, and the following weekend I have obligations. After that, I go to a six day work week until at least mid-February with no vacations allowed which is just the nature of the job I have and happens every year.

The only scenario we could come up with to meet involves me having to take two days of vacation in mid-December. Because of my dwindling balance of vacation time, that would mean I would have to cancel the time off I have scheduled between Christmas and New Year’s, or at least part of it, in order to accommodate this. Now, in order to make all of that work the only way I can see to do it is basically to come somewhat clean with W, and tell him I’m going away for a couple of days in mid-December with someone else. I just don’t have a good enough cover story to do anything else. If I said I was going away on business then it wouldn’t explain why I couldn’t take time off work at the end of the month. If I come clean though, WWIII erupts and who knows what kind of chaos that will stir up. Don’t know that we need that kind of chaos just prior to Christmas. Also, in order to take those two days off would mean I would miss the tail end of month end close which could be a problem. One day might be doable, two would be difficult. If this weren’t such a long distance relationship this would be so much easier.

Damn. What a mess. Seems like the only thing I can do here is wait until late February or early March to see BJ. I hate that. Three more months with nothing but telephone and internet contact sucks. Then again, I know there are others who deal with these kinds of separations. They survive. If we have to we can too.

So there’s the quandary. Stop walking the tightrope with W, lay it on the line, risk utter chaos in his relationship with me and N in order to have a weekend with the man I love, but whom I’ve only known for a few months. OR Put off the man that I love, make him wait while I sort through things in my current relationship.

Hmm, things do seem to be becoming clearer. I always try (I do not always succeed mind you) to keep N as the main focus. What would be best for him given that his father and I will not be staying together in the long term? A happy Christmas with Mom and Dad before the chaos ensues. Maintaining the uneasy truce within the household until the holidays come to a close, and then proceeding forward as quickly as possible to get W out of the house and end the marriage. Taking the time to negotiate a reasonable custody and visitation arrangement and hopefully also working on both of us parenting better. Taking the time to let W become accustomed to the idea of staying close by rather than just disappearing to Mexico as he repeatedly threatens. Emphasizing the importance of him staying connected to N no matter how we feel about one another.

It’s killing me to be this practical about the whole thing. Damn, sometimes I just hate being a grownup.


Karin's Korner said...

You know that I understand EVERYTHING that you are going through but I think I need to put my 2 cents in here. (lol, you knew I would have to). I just can't help thinking how W will treat N while you are away if you tell him that you are going away with someone. I don't think it will be good for N, I really think that W will be angry and tell N that you went away with another man for a few days. Now, I could be wrong but man oh man, what if I am right?

trueself said...

Yes, that has played into my thinking. On further reflection, we are now discussing the possibility of something during the week between Christmas and New Year's that would put me away only while N is away at winter camp. That would at least solve the W/N interaction problem.

Karin's Korner said...

I think that is fantastic - Go and have a great time. You will not have to worry about how W is treating N at all. Great idea!! You know that I wish you only the best of the best!!

oldbear said...

Hi TS, i was going to say what Karin said, but also was going to add that how you behave right now is part of setting your sons expectation and belief of how a woman acts towards a man in a marraige.

All of us who comment to you are to some extent projecting our own value systems and belief onto you no matter how hard our rational minds try to exclude that. Since mine, and my way of expressing myself seem jarring to you, please excuse the following, but please consider it.

Think about this from what could (only a possibility) do to your son. On the one hand he loves you and thinks a lot of you. Hopefully he will never find out about the cheating and lies. Maybe if he does it will be easy for him to prect all the blame on his dad, given how hard his dad is on him.

If he does find out, and cant seem to assign all the culpability for the affairs on W, then he will be forced to acknowledge that his great lady who he loves above all others and who he knows loves him dearly could not stay true to her vows until the marraige is over.

Will that make it easier or harder for him to trust his future girfriends/wives?

To reach the adult knowledge that things dont always work out and there is lots of grey in life is a good lesson. But if he is still an adolscent PERHAPS its too soon for that lesson?

if you have any inkling that W might be a swine and "leak' the info to your son, maybe going is really not a good idea.

If its Love, and if he is worthy of you, he will wait for you. Hell if he was worthy he probably would have thought of the kid first.

I admit my instincts go counter to what I just said. I had dear friend whose wife of 15 years left thim for the nose whiskey. He is great looking man and a bodybuilder, many women from work and previous clients (he was an entertainer before the kid came along)were were hot for him. When he did not date I asked him why, he looked at me like i was daft, and replied "taking care of the kid-ling until she is grown woman is my first priority, my needs will have to wait. hell its not liek her mom is gonna look after her" YMMV , but I did a 180 on this subject on that day.

oldbear said...

Ps,In this matter I am an idiot, as I also forgot the most important part TS, all you can do is try!!!

You are in a tough spot, and have been under things for a while now. No matter what you decide or how it all goes down, I hope you can understand and empathize with you and not beat yourself up from whatever happens.

It can and might all go relatively well! PAX and Love, good luck Lady!

spinningmia said...

You can handle the wait. I've done a lot of waiting to see my husband over the years we were long distance before we got married. We also lived apart my first year of graduate school out of neccessity. You'll get through it. It's painful, but you shouldn't risk W finding out about BJ. If you need tips on how to make the waiting a little less painful let me know.

trueself said...

Thanks for your comments. I do sometimes find you jarring, but I sense a turnaround in your attitude towards me which has helped me immensely in seeing your comments differently the last few days.
No matter what it may sound like from what I write in this blog, none of this is easy for me. I think of nothing else throughout the day other than how much I have complicated not only my life, but the lives of others whom I love. It is not easy for me to hurt W or N. I am not as callous as I may come across in this blog. I ache because there is no easy solution to this mess. I ache because I sacrificed my happiness for so long in order to try to hold things together. I ache because I feel selfish now that sacrificing my happiness has become a burden too big for me to bear.

I would love your suggestions. Why don't you email me at the address in my profile? Thanks!

oldbear said...

Hi TS, I think the turnaround you sense is me reaching into my vast reservoir of unused nuance and tact and applying some of it to my posts to you :-).

Seriously, I know how hard it is, after watching my dad and stepmom divorce after a small fractionof th eyears and dificulties youmust have had.

i dont know it personally and I dont want to know, but from the outside it seems mostly only the good and decent people are conflicted and guilty about divorce. The good ones have conscience and empathy and stuff. The A__holes dont care, or only care enough to lashout at others.

So if you start to hurt , please remember it is a good part of you wishing a bad thing was not hapening.

PAX to you , and you all. OB