Back to the Stars

My horoscope for today:

This could be a day of inner turmoil for you, dear Taurus. You will be rethinking some of your fundamental values and are unsure if they are still relevant to your life. It is clear that some soul-searching is in order for you. There are no right or wrong answers here, only what is in your heart. If your goal is to live authentically, then you will need to make some big changes in your life. But don't act rashly. Think things all the way through before taking action.

Wow. This couldn't be more appropriate to my situation right now if they tried, particularly the part I highlighted with italics. Yes my goal is to live authentically, and yes I know that will require some big changes because divorce is a big big change. No, I don't want to act rashly. I'm trying to think things all the way through before taking action. Sometimes I think I'm taking too much time thinking things through, and that's what's keeping me from moving forward.

This is particularly relevant with regard to something BJ and I discussed last night. We want to see each other again and were trying to figure out when we might be able to meet. There are so many constraints. He has obligations this weekend and on Sunday the 17th. Then it’s Christmas weekend, and the following weekend I have obligations. After that, I go to a six day work week until at least mid-February with no vacations allowed which is just the nature of the job I have and happens every year.

The only scenario we could come up with to meet involves me having to take two days of vacation in mid-December. Because of my dwindling balance of vacation time, that would mean I would have to cancel the time off I have scheduled between Christmas and New Year’s, or at least part of it, in order to accommodate this. Now, in order to make all of that work the only way I can see to do it is basically to come somewhat clean with W, and tell him I’m going away for a couple of days in mid-December with someone else. I just don’t have a good enough cover story to do anything else. If I said I was going away on business then it wouldn’t explain why I couldn’t take time off work at the end of the month. If I come clean though, WWIII erupts and who knows what kind of chaos that will stir up. Don’t know that we need that kind of chaos just prior to Christmas. Also, in order to take those two days off would mean I would miss the tail end of month end close which could be a problem. One day might be doable, two would be difficult. If this weren’t such a long distance relationship this would be so much easier.

Damn. What a mess. Seems like the only thing I can do here is wait until late February or early March to see BJ. I hate that. Three more months with nothing but telephone and internet contact sucks. Then again, I know there are others who deal with these kinds of separations. They survive. If we have to we can too.

So there’s the quandary. Stop walking the tightrope with W, lay it on the line, risk utter chaos in his relationship with me and N in order to have a weekend with the man I love, but whom I’ve only known for a few months. OR Put off the man that I love, make him wait while I sort through things in my current relationship.

Hmm, things do seem to be becoming clearer. I always try (I do not always succeed mind you) to keep N as the main focus. What would be best for him given that his father and I will not be staying together in the long term? A happy Christmas with Mom and Dad before the chaos ensues. Maintaining the uneasy truce within the household until the holidays come to a close, and then proceeding forward as quickly as possible to get W out of the house and end the marriage. Taking the time to negotiate a reasonable custody and visitation arrangement and hopefully also working on both of us parenting better. Taking the time to let W become accustomed to the idea of staying close by rather than just disappearing to Mexico as he repeatedly threatens. Emphasizing the importance of him staying connected to N no matter how we feel about one another.

It’s killing me to be this practical about the whole thing. Damn, sometimes I just hate being a grownup.