Thursday, December 21, 2006

History of J and I: Part 3

When I graduated I moved back home to my parents' house. Although I had interviewed with many companies before graduation I did not have a job waiting for me when I graduated in the middle of winter. I moved home and spent every morning sending out résumés and cover letters. Afternoons were devoted to watching soap operas and just generally hanging out. J's family had moved about an hour south, and he was attending a local college there so we saw each other occasionally but not often. Kurt was quite a ways away, and I never ever saw him although we wrote letters to each other. We might have even talked on the phone sometimes, but I don't really remember.

After a few months I found a job about an hour west of my hometown, putting me about 1½ hours away from J and about 3 or 4 hours from Kurt. I spent a lot of time on the phone with each of them, and each of them came to visit a couple of times. J came over and went to a baseball game with me, but drove home that night. He wouldn't spend the night with me because his parents would be upset about it. Kurt came down and spent a weekend with me. When J's parents went away for a couple of weeks I spent two weekends with him at his house. We slept together in the sense that we slept in the same bed with one another. We kissed and petted some under our pajamas, but that was it. Then we just slept. We didn't even see each other naked, but changed clothes privately. The most we saw of one another was our pajamas which were not racy at all. One of his neighbors told his parents about my car being parked at their house all weekend. J told them nothing happened, but they of course didn't believe him and lectured him long and hard on the dangers of premarital sex, yada, yada, yada.

So life was just rolling along. I was living alone in the big city. I was dating J occasionally. I was still engaged, sort of, to Kurt. Then I was sent on a six month assignment to Texas. Contact with J and Kurt was then limited to phone calls and letters. Shortly after I moved into my apartment in Texas I met the guy that lived in the apartment directly above mine. He was almost 20 years older than me, divorced, Iranian, and very slick. He sweet talked me right into a very sexy relationship. He was a pretty good lover, and we had a lot of fun. It was clear to me that he was not serious boyfriend material, but then I already had two "serious" boyfriends in J and Kurt. I didn't need a serious boyfriend, but the guy upstairs was convenient and fun, and we had a good time together. While I was down in Texas I found out a guy I knew from high school, let's call him Doug, was living in another town in Texas, a couple hours drive from where I was living. I called him or he called me, and we started talking frequently on the phone. Eventually, I started spending most weekends with Doug, either driving down to see him or him driving up to see me. Doug was messed up in many ways which naturally made my nurturing side to kick in. I tried to take care of him and help him out. He was a pretty good lover, albeit very vanilla, but he was a mess in so many other ways. He was always broke yet he would take me out for steak dinners. We had a pretty good time while I was in Texas, but I've never had any contact with him since then. I remember thinking while I was in Texas that I could envision J and I having a long distance marriage with him living back home and me traveling on assignments throughout the country. I thought that would work pretty well for us because we got along really well when we weren't around each other too much. I don't remember thinking about marriage with Kurt at all even though as far as he was concerned we were still engaged, and he thought that as soon as he found a decent job and saved some money that we would get married.

J never knew about any of my Texas escapades, and when I'd be home we'd go out together. It was around this time that J switched from a biology major to accounting. He gave up his dreams of being a doctor because he was unable to get the necessary grades to get into med school. After my six months in Texas and a couple more a little closer to home, I was finally back in my home territory for a few months on a local assignment.

So I was back home. I continued to talk to Kurt on the phone. I didn't feel very close to him though in any way. I continued to occasionally date J, and we attended a wedding for a mutual friend together. J and I talked a lot on the phone. I was really wanting for J to commit to me by becoming engaged. And no, I had never broken off the engagement with Kurt, but I fully intended to if only I could get J to commit. That's how insecure I was. I would have settled for Kurt if I had to even though I really wanted J. I was just so convinced that I was unlovable that I felt I had to hang onto whoever I could persuade to care about me. J was not ready to make that step, to commit to marriage. He wanted to finish school first, to have a job before being married or even engaged.

This is where I'll leave it for now. In Part 4, I'll share how W entered the picture and life changed very dramatically.


Me said...

I am really enjoying this story! Keep going! Makes me want to recount my history too...I love looking back - but sometimes it gets me into when I compare - I need to stop doing that!

Karin's Korner said...

UGGGGGGGGG I need more!! This is a great story, can't wait for the next part. Hope you are doing well.