Monday, January 08, 2007
So many thoughts rolling around in my head. So many emotions flowing through my body. So much, so much, too much. Sensory overload. Brainwave overload. Thinking too much. Concentration nil. No focus, no ability to stay on topic. It's all a jumble. Too fast. Everything running through my brain is too fast. Too slow. Everything in real life is happening too slowly. Need to breathe. Need to focus. Need to slow down my brain. Need to live in the now rather than the future or the past. Need to work through feelings of guilt, of inadequacy, that feeling of never, ever being good enough and not knowing how to make myself good enough. Or is it that I am unwilling to do the things it takes to make myself good enough? Am I unwilling to eat junk food only in moderation? Am I unwilling to exercise? Am I unwilling to make the sacrifice of staying in my marriage to make others happy and meet the obligations of my vows? Am I too weak to ever do the right thing, the moral thing, the good thing? Can I be happy with myself if I give in to temptation? Can I be happy with myself if I sacrifice myself for others' happiness and wellbeing? Is there any point to all this gibberish? Stop! Stop! Stop! I want to get off now please. I have tired of this ride. Stop now please. Just stop.