Monday, January 08, 2007

Gibberish

So many thoughts rolling around in my head. So many emotions flowing through my body. So much, so much, too much. Sensory overload. Brainwave overload. Thinking too much. Concentration nil. No focus, no ability to stay on topic. It's all a jumble. Too fast. Everything running through my brain is too fast. Too slow. Everything in real life is happening too slowly. Need to breathe. Need to focus. Need to slow down my brain. Need to live in the now rather than the future or the past. Need to work through feelings of guilt, of inadequacy, that feeling of never, ever being good enough and not knowing how to make myself good enough. Or is it that I am unwilling to do the things it takes to make myself good enough? Am I unwilling to eat junk food only in moderation? Am I unwilling to exercise? Am I unwilling to make the sacrifice of staying in my marriage to make others happy and meet the obligations of my vows? Am I too weak to ever do the right thing, the moral thing, the good thing? Can I be happy with myself if I give in to temptation? Can I be happy with myself if I sacrifice myself for others' happiness and wellbeing? Is there any point to all this gibberish? Stop! Stop! Stop! I want to get off now please. I have tired of this ride. Stop now please. Just stop.

9 comments:

Rob said...

Hard questions, Trueself. And even harder answers, if there be any "right" answers to give. Conscience, morality, maturity, self-sacrifice, happiness, peace of mind - all warring against one another as to what one should do. I nor you have all the right answers but having said that, don't give up trying to find them. In the meantime, know well - you are not alone with these thoughts.

spinningmia said...

Number one priority should always be: make yourself happy first. If you aren't happy/satisfied with life then nobody around you will be either.

Emily said...

If I was you, Trueself, I would just breathe deep and chill out for a few hours. Meditate. Got for a walk. Or lie around on the sofa eating lollies. Whatever you find restorative.

Every issue doesn't have to be solved in one day.

One way or another, it's going to be a big year for you and maybe you should pace yourself a bit.

Thinking of you with great affection

*hugs*

Emily

Emily said...

ps If I have one wish for you, rather than advice about whether to leave or stay, it would be that you would see your own value and your own strength.

You are not a bad or weak person. You are a pretty normal person in a tough spot.

trueself said...

Rob,
Yes, I know that I'm not the only one who struggles with these issues, and that there are no easy answers.

Mia,
I'm struggling with that concept. Somehow it's been ingrained in me that if I'm too happy I'm not being good enough, behaving myself or controlling myself enough.

Emily,
Blogging it was my restorative act, or one of them anyway. I find that just putting the words out there helps me feel better rather than just letting them bounce around in this empty head. Oops, there goes that low opinion of myself again. . .

Finished Last said...

Our minds are in very similar places right now.

Stinkypaw said...

The fear of the unknown... it's all good, hang in there!

trueself said...

FL,
Yes, I've gotten that impression. I do take some comfort in knowing that I am not so different than others. BTW, one of the greatest kings in the OT, King David, certainly had his human frailties also. Sometimes I think we forget that we're all human therefore imperfect. Maybe we have too high expectations for ourselves? And yet, we must aspire to be better than where our human natures would lead us. There, dear friend, is the conundrum for me.

SP,
You're absolutely right. If it weren't for the unknown there would be very little fear. Surely I could face things much better if I knew with certainty the outcome.

I've certainly turned philosophical this afternoon. Not an easy turn for a black-and-white-hate-shades-of-gray beancounter.

Cassandra said...

Can I just copy this onto my new blog? It would save me a lot of typing time...
********JUST KIDDING!!!**********
Hang in there & CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW JOB!!!