Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Busy Days

The last week has been very busy. Lots going on and not just getting and accepting the job offer.

Started like any other day during the first half of January, very busy getting entries finished for month end close. Managed to almost meet the noon deadline and posted the final entries around 12:45. Whew! Then it was time to start worrying about my first ever in my life appointment with a pyschiatrist. Although I've been on antidepressants they were prescribed by my family physician. Although I see a therapist on a weekly basis and W and I see a marriage counselor on a weekly basis, I still felt like there was a piece missing in the whole mental health picture. I didn't feel confident that the family doctor was really hearing me when I talked about my mental problems. So I went to a psychiatrist Thursday. She annoyed me more than helped me I think. Then again, maybe she annoyed me because she could see through me. I'm not sure.

Here's what the pyschiatrist had to say, after hearing my story (I left out all my "extracurricular activities" from my story):
1. I am not so much suffering from depression as an anxiety disorder.
2. I need an increased dosage of the medication I've been taking for depression (it is also used for anxiety)
3. I need to resume exercising on a regular basis.
4. I need to have more sex with W. (Yes, she really did suggest this as being a significant help to my situation.)
5. W and I should focus less in our counseling sessions on the child rearing issues and more on the sexual issues.

Well, alrighty then. I left her office unhappy, frustrated, not at all ready to follow some of that advice. I walked out to my car and promptly put the whole shrink visit behind me because the little red light was lit on my cell phone.

I checked to see who called. "Unknown" it said, but there was a voicemail message. I called voicemail and listened. It was the HR lady at the new job company. She left her phone # and asked me to call. That was all, no indication of whether this would be the offer or not. So sitting in my car in the parking lot at the medical office I called her back. She tells me they are preparing to offer the job but need just a bit more information. They need permission to call my current employer to verify employment. I think for a moment, ask for reassurance that as long as the verification checks out there is definitely an offer. She assures me that there is so I give her permission to contact the HR department at the current job. She also explains to me the process of the required pre-employment health appraisal that must be completed before I can be officially hired. The health appraisal is to be done by their doctors so I will have to make another trip up there soon.

Back at work, I wonder how this is all going to turn out. Do I give notice before I know I've passed the physical? If I do, I run the risk that some problem I don't know I have will be discovered in the process, and I won't be hired. Well, if that happens I can always temp until I find a permanent position. If I don't, I'll have to lie again to take a day off of work to head back up there. That doesn't feel good to me. I decide to think it over overnight before I make the decision of which way to proceed with the resignation. I finally decided to hell with it. I'm giving notice.

Woke up feeling strongly that resigning is the right thing to do. It is what I've wanted to do for a while, and with a job offer, even if it isn't 100%, I really want to go ahead and get out. I call HR at the new job to set up the health appraisal, and schedule it for Tuesday. I print out the letter of resignation I had composed a couple of days before. My supervisor asks me that morning if we can sit down and have my annual review that afternoon. I say yes knowing I'll give notice when we sit down for the review making the review a moot point. At the "review" I hand her the letter, apologize for giving notice at such a bad time for her and the company, and we discuss the redistribution of my work. It goes more smoothly than I had feared.

That evening at the therapist's office I talk about the new job. I don't know why, but I always find that she can bring me down. Yes, I realize that by changing jobs, by moving three hours away, I'm not solving all my problems. But dang, I very carefully looked at this new job. I didn't accept just anything that came my way this time. This time I looked for, and found, a job that is a very good fit for my skills, talents and interests. It is with a company that is similar in many ways to one where I worked before and where I enjoyed working. I am moving to a city already known to me and one that I specifically targeted. I have lived there before, and for many years have wished I could return. So while I do realize that I have a history of running away from things, I feel that this move is different. I feel that I am moving TOWARD something, not just AWAY from something. So yes, I am in some senses getting away from certain things that make me uncomfortable, but my focus as not been on the getting away as much as the moving toward. Or am I just sitting here trying to rationalize all this for myself?

Well, that's where I'll drop this for now. The weekend was a blur of being miserable from a bad cold and sore throat and dealing with the power being out.


Rob said...

If your therapist brings you down then simply find another one. Not all are of like quality and you don't need to pay her to feel down but to be encouraged to better cope. You aren't running away from her either if you do that. Like getting this new job, you're just seeking a person who'se a better fit for your individual needs. Good luck and take the action that you think you need.

trueself said...

Thank you. You're right of course, and I do forget that it isn't everybody's job to bring me down probably because so many do it so well. Then again I do think that it would not be helpful to see a therapist that didn't ask me the tough questions, didn't make me think through what I'm doing. It will soon be a necessity to change therapists though when I move to the new location so I may just keep seeing this one until the move as it wouldn't make a lot of sense to look for someone different here.

freebird said...

Dear Trueself,
Now I really don't want you to think I'm just adding to your list of people whose job it is to bring you down, but...
How can you really expect to get any constructive outcome from a session with a pyschiatrist if you don't tell her the whole story? Surely your "extracurricular activities" are and have been a huge part of where you are now.
You felt there was a piece missing in the mental health picture and yet when given the opportunity to fill it in you've kept a piece of your own picture from the person who is trying to help you.

True self?
Surely not that surprising that you left her office frustrated.

Sorry, just concerned and caring.

trueself said...

Worry not. You don't bring me down. You have a way of stating the obvious and slapping me in the face with it, but in such a gentle and delightful way that only a Brit could pull it off! (That IS a compliment btw.) No, I was NOT my true self with the psychiatrist. No, I can't expect her to be as helpful to me when I am not honest about the whole story.

I will admit that I am taken aback every time I start my story, get to the place where I file for separation, and people jump right to the assumption that I've got to put the thing back together. Too often at that point, I stop the story there, and let them take over. Bad, bad self. Not true at all. No, the only place in the universe I present my true self is right here on the old blog. Although I've tried, I haven't let anyone real see my true self except for BJ. Anything I forget to tell him he reads here so I have no secrets from him. That makes his and my relationship vastly different from any other relationship I've had in my life.

Sorry, got a bit wordy in this response. But then again, it is me after all. . .