Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Weekend Idiocy

I'm such an idiot; I did the stupidest thing last weekend.
Last weekend with the power outage we, W, N and I, stayed with my parents at their house where they had power, and therefore, heat. While there, W and I shared a bed for the first time in a while. When W and I were sleeping in the same bed at my parents' house I actually tried to get some action. How pathetic is that? Of course I was completely unsuccessful. I felt guilty that I even tried with him. I don't know what I was thinking other than I was lonely and he was a warm body. I should have been stronger and not let my physical urges overtake my good sense because it gives him the wrong message. So I feel stupid, and I feel bad, and I feel like it was a betrayal of BJ, and I feel guilty. I don't want to do things like that, giving W the message that I still want him. Later, I'll bet he'll throw it in my face as "proof" that I must still love him or I wouldn't have done it. In truth it had much more to do with horniness than love. I didn't feel good, and I was just looking for comfort. It was really stupid because it isn't very comforting to be ignored which of course is what happened. He completely ignored me rubbing him on the back and chest and even when I reached under his pajamas. So I gave up and later wondered what on earth I was thinking.

Maybe I had a fever with my cold. . .
or temporary insanity hit. . .
or gremlins took over my body and made me do it. . .
Yeah that's the ticket, gremlins. Yeah, those gremlins are nasty little things.

It's just hard (no pun intended) when you're horny, and there's a warm body next to you even if it isn't the body you'd like to have next to you. I had a weak moment. More proof to add to the ever growing plethora of evidence that I am indeed human, imperfect, not the angel my parents raised me to be.

I so look forward to that day in the future when BJ and I are together. Then I won't have to turn to warm bodies that don't want me. I don't even remember what it's like to live with someone who actually wants to have sex with me or even look me in the eye.

And I will no longer feel compelled to try to initiate sex with someone I really don't even want to have sex with. And we'll all live happily ever after. Amen.

5 comments:

Fiona said...

I think the best lesson of all, TS, is that if there was even the smidgen of a doubt that you are doing the right thing, that has been well and truly erased by this rejection.

And if W ever does raise this as proof that you still love him, you can certainly respond with it certainly being proof that he doesn't still love you!

trueself said...

Fiona,
Thank you for helping me see this from another angle. I focused so much on my actions I forgot to see the message in his reaction. Yes, it was one more, in a long line of many, rejections.
Must. Stop. Beating. Head. On. Wall.

freebird said...

Ummm, I may be simple but... if you wanted him, doesn't that mean that, er, you wanted him?

trueself said...

FB,
Ah, there you are making that obvious point again, aren't you? Why yes, I suppose in a way I did want him. I guess after 20 years together part of me wishes we could have a few more. However, no part of me is satisfied to stay with someone that uninterested in me. And it isn't as though I've been after him any other time in the last few months. I do believe the close proximity coupled with not feeling well and wanting some comfort (and for me, sex can be quite comforting) combined to cause me to do something foolish. Perhaps I was testing, just one more time. Perhaps my actions really were saying "so you're doing better with the kid, can you do better with me too?" Clearly, the answer that came back, again, was "No."

Must. Stop. Beating. Head. On. Wall.

Val said...

Oh, I.Must.Stop.Reading.Friends'.Blogs.At.Work!!!
bcz this brought tears to my eyes, remembering 1st hub's nasty little habits of sexual manipulation/REJECTION being the favorite weapon in his arsenal...
I wish I could remember what sexual desire felt like; but w/my illness + low thyroid levels, my libido has completely evaporated.