Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Self Confidence (or a lack thereof)

It shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone who reads this blog with any frequency that I often suffer from a lack of self confidence. I am always surprised when I succeed at anything. I am rarely surprised when I fail in the eyes of others. I expect people to expect me to fail.

I had a dream last night that was very much about my lack of self confidence. I went through this dream apologetic and clingy and desperate. I awoke relieved to be rid of the dream but not so relieved when I thought about what that dream said to me about me.

The message of the dream came through loud and clear. I am not good enough for anyone. I am not good enough as a friend. I am not good enough as a loving partner. I am not good enough as a bus driver. (Okay that one was weird, but in the dream I ended up with the bus parked cattywampus on the lawn rather than on the street where it should have been so obviously I’m not a good bus driver. Besides that I didn’t get the bus back on time. And no, in real life I have never driven a bus.) “I am not good enough!” shouted my dream at me.

It left me shaken, that dream of mine did. It has continued to haunt me throughout the day today. Clearly I need to work on my self confidence and self esteem. Clearly I need to be a little less hard on myself. On the other hand, maybe I just need to accept that I’m not ever going to be any more or better than I am and stop beating myself up for it. Maybe it is time to accept what a flawed and pathetic individual I am and instead of berating myself for it just accept it. Give up the fight to be more than I can be and just accept myself as I am. I still haven’t said it right. What am I trying to say here? I don’t know.

And that is why I continue to have these dreams. My subconscious is trying to work through that which I can’t articulate and/or face in my conscious mind.

And somehow it is all about self confidence, or a lack thereof.


Cocotte said...

Have you always lacked confidence or can you pinpoint the time in your life when you noticed it slipping?

Serenity said...

Stop beating yourself up. (I insist.) If your therapist hasn't pointed this out, i will: you are in the middle of the most stressful time a person can have without anyone actually dying (put down the skillet, dear):CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK.
And I would not interpret the dream quite so literally.

Fusion said...

Gotta agree with Serenity here True, I've heard divorce is very hard on a person, and I would imagine their self worth as well. Take it easy on yourself, ok?

Trueself said...

Cocotte - It's a lifelong thing.

Serenity - But, but, self-flagellation is one of the things I do best!

Fuse - Okay, okay, I'll try to take it easy on myself. I just wish I weren't so damned imperfect.

Karin's Korner said...

You my friend are not imperfect in fact, if I still lived in Wisconsin I would try and meet up with you and befriend you in real life. Now, you are not perfect either...Only Jesus Christ himself was perfect. We just gotta be who we are and who the good Lord intended us to be.

I know exactly what you are going through with W.

Give yourself a break and a real big hug, you deserve it.

Trueself said...

Karin - If you still lived in Wisconsin we would meet in person, and I know we'd be friends. I can just tell. Thanks.

2amsomewhere said...

What would the part of you that isn't wounded by your past perceived failings say if you asked her to speak of your strengths?


Trueself said...

2am - Hmm, thought provoking question. She would say that I am very intelligent. She would also say I'm a good cook and can bake pies with the best of them.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.