Anyone Seen My Brain?

My brain is just not working these days. Shut down. Shut off. It is an odd sort of a shell shocked feeling I think. I am right now overwhelmed by the emotions brought on by W moving out tomorrow. I know that just because he moves it isn't that we won't ever speak or see each other again because we have N between us. We will always have that connection, and we will always have to have some level of interaction. It isn't the same though. It is so different. Of course, it is already so different, even without him moving out. We don't ever touch one another. We don't see one another unclothed anymore. We are very careful to keep doors closed and knock before entering. We barely speak to one another. I no longer wear my wedding ring although he continues to wear his. That one fact speaks volumes about the difference in how he and I feel. Part of me feels guilty because I know that I have made W exceedingly unhappy by pushing this divorce on him, and yet there is still that part of me that rejoices at the impending freedom headed my way.

Sigh. . . . . . . . . . .

A Little Sunshine

Amidst my shades of gray I had one really great thing happen today. I got to see a woman with whom I haven't had contact in more than 25 years. We met to talk and catch up, and it was wonderful. It was more than wonderful. She is a wonderful person, genuinely nice and caring. I wish I'd gotten to know her better when we were kids as I think she could have been a very good friend to me back then. However, we really didn't know each other very well back then, and I wasn't outgoing enough to try to pursue friendships with those I didn't know well.

She has more ongoing connections with the town where we grew up so she updated me on a lot of people. I found out about those that had died, those that are gay (the boy I had a huge crush on in second grade!), the guy who lives in his parents' basement and has basically become a hermit, those classmates that are still in town and those that have moved far away, and just all the general gossip of the community. Unfortunately, she also lives on the far coast so we won't have the opportunity to get together often. However, I have no doubt that we will stay in touch via emails and phone calls from now on.

It was a four and a half hour chat we had tonight, much longer than either of us expected. We ended only when the establishment at which we met closed down for the night. Until then, we had no idea we'd talked that long.

Shades of Gray

Sorry about yesterday's very short, very cryptic post. That was only because in my sleepiness I was trying to not miss a day for Blog 365 but didn't have the brain power to actually write anything.

I'm not sure I have the brain power to write anything today either, but I'm going to try.

It is surprising to me, but not to those that have been through similar situations, just how strong the emotions are that I'm experiencing over W moving out. Wow. Talk about feeling like somebody punched you in the gut.

So layered on top of that going on, BJ was actually in the area this weekend. That is something I should be thrilled about. And I am. However, I have this thick gray cloud hanging over me. At least BJ understands my feelings. He felt similar when he made his break last summer. I feel bad though that I couldn't pay 100% attention to him yesterday when we were together. I feel bad that I cried on his shoulder about it. I feel bad that I might once again be giving him the wrong message, the message that I don't wholeheartedly want to be with him. He assures me that all is well, and I hope that is the truth.

This morning I am sitting here, listening to N play with a friend that we allowed to spend the night. What was I thinking allowing that with all that is going on around me? Just trying to cram as much in as I can to push out the gray. I will admit though that I will be happy when N's friend goes home later, and W comes home from church and can spend time with N, and maybe just maybe, I can have some time to put my head straight.

Nada

I got nothing today. Nothing at all. Maybe tomorrow.

Involvement in Faith

I have been asked to participate in the committee on Progressive Christianity at my church. I will be an interesting participant since I have a bit more conservative viewpoint than several others participating. That's good though. It is always good to have a voice of dissent in any group whether it's a liberal amongst the conservatives, a conservative amongst the liberals, or an eclectic like me in just about any group.

I will admit to total ignorance to what was meant by "progressive Christianity" until the meeting last night. Apparently there is an entire website devoted to it, and I've just begun my studies of it. I already see good and bad in it. As I learn more I'm sure I'll expound more here on the issues that arise.

In case you aren't interested in browsing the website, here are their Eight Points:

By calling ourselves progressive, we mean we are Christians who...
1. Have found an approach to God through the life and teachings of Jesus.
2. Recognize the faithfulness of other people who have other names for the way to God's realm, and acknowledge that their ways are true for them, as our ways are true for us.
3. Understand the sharing of bread and wine in Jesus's name to be a representation of an ancient vision of God's feast for all peoples
4. Invite all people to participate in our community and worship life without insisting that they become like us in order to be acceptable
5. Know that the way we behave toward one another and toward other people is the fullest expression of what we believe.
6. Find more grace in the search for understanding than we do in dogmatic certainty - more value in questioning than in absolutes.
7. Form ourselves into communities dedicated to equipping one another for the work we feel called to do: striving for peace and justice among all people, protecting and restoring the integrity of all God's creation, and bringing hope to those Jesus called the least of his sisters and brothers
8. Recognize that being followers of Jesus is costly, and entails selfless love, conscientious resistance to evil, and renunciation of privilege.

So far so good. I have lots of study in front of me.

Little to Say

Not much to say today. I have a special weekend planned.

Originally, it was going to be a full weekend with a date with woman I know on Friday and then meeting a couple for some adult fun on Saturday.

Then the woman canceled on me for Friday way early on.

Then BJ and I got back together, and I wasn't quite sure what to do about the Saturday plans. I didn't even talk to him about it until earlier this week at which time I checked with the female half of the couple to see if Saturday was still on. It was not. Their plans had changed. I was bummed. It looked like it was going to be a boring weekend this weekend, full of family angst and helping W pack his things for his move next week.

Lo and behold a day or two ago things changed. I will be enjoying this weekend very much with someone very special to me. This is totally unexpected and totally wonderful. Now I am looking forward to the weekend very much.

Six Word Memoir

When words fail it's always nice to fall back on a quiz or a meme for fodder for blog posts. I had the good fortune today, while struggling with something to say here, to visit The Silent Male's blog and find I'd been tagged for a meme. Imagine the horror embarrassment pride with which I read his explanation of why he tagged me -- "because I think she likes memes." Does the man know me, or does he know me?

Rules of the meme:

1. Write your own six word memoir
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible, so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere
4 Tag five more blogs with links
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

Hmm, only six words eh? For someone as wordy as I am that could prove difficult, but let's give it a shot, shall we?

Educated nerd, living black sheep life.

Yep, I like it. It fits. It feels comfortable and quite descriptive of me.

Now the hard part, tagging five more. That's too hard for now at least. I'll think about it and come back later and edit them in.

This is Hard

W will be moving out a week from today. I should be overjoyed. This is what I wanted. So why am I feeling so sad about all this? Why have I been flooded with tears and emotional outbursts? Guess you just don't throw away a 20+ year relationship easily.

At least my counselor is helping me get through it. She is so wonderful at understanding what I'm trying to say even when I struggle to put the words together. She can take my fragments and say back to me a perfectly coherent and insightful understanding of what it is I am thinking. She is even going to have an extra session with me this week. It sounds like W is not going to continue with her, but I need some support from somewhere. I feel a little lost and a little shell shocked by all of this. These emotions kind of sneaked up on me and took me by surprise. At least I've developed a little network of friends not to mention my online friends whom I appreciate more than you can imagine.

Anybody wanna come over and drink wine with me next Tuesday night as I alternately celebrate and mourn W moving out?

Blue Monday

I learned something today. I learned that even though I am absolutely certain that divorce is the correct path for W and me that there is still grieving that I have to do over the loss of this marriage. I found myself crying as I was listening to:
Who Will Take Care Of Me
by Jon Secada

I had never really listened to the words before, or at least they didn't mean as much to me before me. I sat at my desk working, with the tears flowing, and realized that I really haven't grieved this loss. I spent so much time grieving the (temporary) loss of BJ that I never really grieved over this. Now, that isn't to say that people around me don't think I have grieved the marriage end. That is what they thought all my BJ grieving was divorce grieving. It was a good cover story at the time. Now they're probably thinking "So get over it already!" The reality is that I'm just starting to grieve. I imagine that the move towards W moving out has brought this over me. I'll get through it. I don't feel devastated by this, just sad. I'm just getting around to facing the sadness, but to get over it you have to move through it. So here I go, heading into it. Hopefully, it's going to be a short trip to the other side. In the meantime I think I'll set that Jon Secada CD up on a shelf.

And Then Some Things Come Easy

After a rocky start to the day and continuing throughout the day to get rockier until finally I went for a drive just to get out of the house and the animosity. I came to the realization as I drove that I had to ask W, tonight, to get out of the house ASAP. It just ain't working, not at all.

My intention was to have that talk right after N went to bed tonight. However, I got home this evening to have W tell me that he is going to move out soon. He looked at a few places while we were gone to my parents' and hopes to soon know exactly when and where he will be moving. He talked to N about it while I was gone. N's biggest concern was whether W would be within a bike ride away, and W said that he probably would be. When he told me where we was looking at places he's right, one would be a bit of a stretch but the others would definitely be bikeable for a nine-year-old.

Alrighty then. Maybe every step in this process doesn't have to be agonizing. Whew!

Happy Easter?

Hope all you readers (yeah, all four of you) are having a nice Easter Sunday. Mine has had it's ups and downs so far, and we're only about halfway through the afternoon.

Good stuff about today:
*N loved his Easter basket goodies: chocolate bunny, peanut butter cups, socks, slippers, Spiderman temporary tattoos and a Captain Underpants book. The Easter Bunny knows his audience well.
*Church was good, crowded but not overly so, and the pastor gave a good sermon.
*Lunch with N was at my favorite restaurant and included a piece of decadent mint brownie pie to go. It's still in the refrigerator for later.
*I got to sleep in until 8:30.

Bad stuff about today:
*W and N got into it first thing this morning causing W to storm out of the house saying he might be back today as he slammed the door. This caused me to wonder where the adults are here.
*W attended church but refused to speak to N or me, and when I walked up to him during coffee hour to ask him if he would be having lunch with N and me he said no. Guess it's good I came home specifically so that W could be part of our Easter celebration.
*W ambled in a little after we finished an Easter egg hunt with N and one of his buddies in our front yard. W was miffed that he missed it. After his earlier comment I didn't realize I should wait for him to come home for the hunt. Silly me.

So we've had our ups and downs today. Right now N is happily playing with friends, I'm watching March Madness and W is sitting with me drinking coffee and looking sullen. Life goes on. . .



In other news, I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed that I was trying to seduce W apparently because he had once again begged me to stay and the only way I would was if he would agree to sex. He promised we would. We went up to the bedroom. He kept making one excuse after another to put it off. I tried to kiss him. He turned and walked away. I tried several times to start something and each time was rebuffed. I said to him that he had done nothing to change my mind about our situation, and he looked hurt. That's all of the dream that I remember. I see it as kind of the last two years all played out in one afternoon in the dream. Just like I told him in the dream "It is too late to turn back now."

My Family Ought to Live in Egypt

Denial -- so much more than a river in Egypt.

My family lives in such denial about so many things. My parents probably raised two of the most dysfunctional human beings ever, but in their eyes nothing could be farther from the truth. While they may sit and complain about us in private to one another they put on the happy face for the rest of the world and like to pretend we are the all American family.

When N and I arrived without W, my mom asked where W was, and I told her he didn't come with us. She said in a most disbelieving voice, "Nooooo, where is he really?" I had to tell her several times that he wasn't with us for her to believe it. When we got inside she asked why W wasn't with us, and I told her we were having problems and don't do much together anymore. I was trying to come up with the right words for telling her about the divorce, but she quickly changed the subject once she found out there is trouble in paradise. She clearly didn't want to go there so I dropped the conversation too.

All weekend I waited for the subject to reemerge but it did not. Nobody said a thing about the 400 lb Gorilla sitting in the family room as we watched the NCAA tournament. We talked a lot. We talked about college basketball. We talked about the flooding that is not too near but not too far from where my parents live. We talked about politics and the presidential race. We talked about N and how much he's grown and how mature he is getting. We talked and talked and talked. Not one word was said about W, by any of us.

As I drove home today I decided to inform them of the impending divorce in a letter. That's the example they've always set. That's how they informed me about Dad breaking his leg a couple of years ago. If it's uncomfortable to talk let's just send a letter. What a bizarre family dynamic we have.

Bleah.

Deep Breathing

Taking a few deep breaths before I embark on my journey to my parents' house today. We'll be leaving after lunch so we will be there in time for dinner. This is not going to be fun. It is particularly not going to be fun given that N is in a nasty mood today. Oh boy, three hours in a car with a grumpy kid. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

So I'm taking a few deep breaths, and crossing my fingers, and hoping for the best.

There will be no post tomorrow as I will not have internet access, but I'll be back on Saturday and will hopefully post a little something then even if it's late.

A Small Vignette from Life

Scene: TS sitting at work slaving in front of computer mining data from the data warehouse. Her phone rings. She picks it up noting her home phone number on the caller ID display.

TS: [TS's Employer]Finance Department. This is TS.
N: Hi Mom. It’s N.
TS: Hi N. How are you?
N: Good. You remember those goggles you bought me at Target a while back? Dad can’t find them. He put them away someplace and can’t remember where.
TS: I’m sorry to hear that.
N: Do you know where they are?
TS: No honey, I’m sorry I don’t where he put them.
N: Do you want to talk to Dad?
TS: Do you want me to?
N: (muffled) Dad! Mom wants to talk to you.

TS waits a few seconds while noises of the phone being clanked around annoys entertains her.

W: Hello?
TS: I just want to tell you the conversation N and I just had so he doesn’t relate it to you differently.

TS shares the above exchange with W.

W: I found a pair of goggles, but he isn’t happy with them.
TS: Well tough shit then. He’ll get over it.
W: Yeah (not sounding convinced)
TS: Let me talk to your son.
W: (muffled) N! Mom wants to talk to you.
N: Yeah Mom?
TS: Dad says he found goggles.
N: Yeah but they aren’t the right ones. These have to be so tight to keep the water out that it makes my head hurt.
TS: I swam as a kid with no goggles at all.
N: Did you get used to it?
TS: Yeah
N: Well I don’t.
TS: (said in a concerned tone) Then maybe you shouldn’t go swimming today. Would you like me to ask Dad to pick you up from day camp before they swim this afternoon?
N: (mumbles something)
TS: What?
N: Bye Mom.
TS: Bye N.

Perhaps that exchange didn’t go the way N wanted, but I thought it went rather well myself.

Sometimes I Wish I Weren’t So Approachable

That headline isn’t exactly true. I’m glad N feels like he can ask me questions about reproduction. I just wish I felt more comfortable discussing it as he stares wide eyed at me as I describe things to him, and yes folks, I describe things in detail to him, very clinically but in such a way that he will understand what I am saying.

Last night’s discussion revolved around sperm – where it comes from, how it fertilizes the egg, how it gets to the egg, and so forth. Oh yes, it was a mighty detailed discussion. He had questions, lots of questions. I had answers and did my best to deliver them in a nonchalant nothing-phases-me tone. I must have done okay with that because he never seemed to get uncomfortable with asking more questions. I’d be surprised if N isn’t the best informed nine-year-old in the neighborhood by now. At least I know he’s getting the right information and not some other kid’s version of some bogus thing his older brother told him.

Oh yes, we also discussed the actual birthing of babies. He started off with the question “Does it hurt when the baby comes out?” That led to a discussion of the size of a baby’s head and the normal size of the opening through which the baby exits the mommy. The look on his face when I used my hands to illustrate the difference in those two sizes was priceless.

All of this discussion started when he heard something on TV about a girl of 12 who had a baby. It occurred to him that she was only three years older than he is, and he couldn’t imagine that she could take care of a baby. You got that one right son. I’m hoping that by discussing all these things openly with him that it will help him make better decisions than some of his peers do as they navigate the rough waters of puberty. He’s still at that stage where the process required for conception sounds really gross to him for which I am thankful. I would be even more thankful if he would keep that attitude until he’s about 30, but I know that won’t happen. That’s why I’m trying to arm him with as much accurate information as I can when he asks questions and why I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open. I’m also trying, but not always succeeding, to keep my face from turning bright red during these discussions.

I’m Not Who People See

To the world I present myself as a “normal” everyday person. People tend to see me as mainstream and somewhat conservative. The interesting thing to me is that I do not intentionally perpetuate these myths. I suppose it is the fact that I am not “over the top” weird that keeps people from thinking of me as less than the typical Midwestern small town girl all grown up and behaving myself. I have no piercings other than the ears (only one hole each), no tattoos (though I have two in mind that I intend to get at some point), and no pink in my hair (pink seems to be the “in” highlight hair color these days). I don’t dress provocatively at all, wear little to no makeup and just don’t look the part I guess for anything but a prude. I am comfortable with how I dress and don’t dress in a particular way to send a particular message. I dress the way I do because it is comfortable. I’m all about the sensible shoes because they are comfortable. I’m all about the high collars because then I don’t worry about my bra straps showing. I’m all about the longer skirts because then my legs don’t get cold. It’s all about the comfort, not the “message.” Also, if you ever see me in designer anything it would be because I picked it up at a thrift store for $5 without a clue that it was designer. I once had people rave about a purse I had because it was a knockoff of [I have no idea who] but I had only bought it because I liked its functionality and it was on sale for a decent price. The point is I dress for comfort, not to project the image of anything. That’s just not how I work.

This has come up more than once among my friends in the bi group. Their perception of me is that I’m very quiet and conservative and most likely shocked by some of the things they say and do. Nothing could be further from the truth! Nobody has ever shocked me with any of their stories from their lives. As a matter of fact I believe they would be shocked to learn some things about me, and I know they have been shocked by a few tidbits I’ve shared here and there (mention of the recent FWB being just one).

My thoughts about this are spurred by trying to look at myself and see what it is that I am projecting to the world, what I would like to be projecting to the world, what I really am, and seeing what changes I might need to make to align those elements with one another. I am an enigma of sorts. I do not fit stereotypes. My values, my beliefs and my outlook on life sometimes can seem contradictory to those who don’t understand me and yet they make perfect sense to me.

I guess I just want people to stop being shocked that it doesn’t bother me if they smoke weed in front of me. I want people to stop being shocked when I share the number of sexual partners I’ve had. I want people to stop being shocked that I enjoy the occasional alcoholic drink. I want people to understand that just because it disgusts me when drugs or alcohol or anything potentially destructive become more important in someone’s life than anything else it doesn’t mean that I condemn the behavior in moderation. I want people to stop being shocked that the person I am inside is not what they thought it would be based on the outer packaging. I want people to be willing to get to know me, the real me, before assuming that I “must be” this or that based on my looks.

The L Word

Spent last night with the bi group. We had a marathon watching session of The L Word, the Showtime series about lesbians living and loving in LA. I had never seen it before. We started with the pilot episode and watched the first nine episodes of the first season. I slept through parts of episode 6 and virtually all of episodes 7 and 8. However, what I did watch I liked.



C attended also and rode with me. She often rides with me since her car isn't in very good shape. She annoyed me more this weekend than ever before. Suffice it to say that the crush I had on her a while back has long since dissipated. I still consider her to be my best friend, but she really has some traits that annoy the crap out of me. She can't be on time to save her life. She was adamant that we had to leave town by 4:00 yesterday so we would get to the party on time. I wanted to leave after the Illini basketball game was over and arrive at the party late. Oh no, she had to be there no later than the stated starting time of the party which was 6:00. Given that it would only take an hour and a half to get there we didn't need to leave by 4:00, but she called me twice yesterday afternoon to make sure I was going to pick her up at 4:00. Being just an itty bitty bit passive aggressive I decided I would leave my house at 4:00 so it would be between 4:10 and 4:15 when I picked her up. Just as I was leaving the house C called my cell phone again and asked if I was at her house yet. I said no, that I'd just left home and was on my way. She wasn't even home! She had gone out and wanted me to wait for her when I got to her house. Good grief. So I drove to her house and called her to find out how soon she'd be there. She told me she was in the checkout line at the grocery store, and she would be there in a few minutes. Around 4:30 she showed up then loaded my car down with more crap than I would need to take for a week long trip.

I could go on, but I won't. Suffice it to say that for the entire event C continued to do little crap that annoyed me no end. Maybe I was just in a bad mood. Maybe I'm having PMS. Maybe I'm just an evil bitch with no patience.

The party, in spite of C annoying me, was a lot of fun. We had some great munchies, even some really healthy options like fresh veggies with hummus and fresh fruit with a chocolate fountain (c'mon we had to have chocolate, we are women after all). I found out that blue raspberry vodka mixed with cranberry juice is really tasty. I found out that I'm the only one in our group who doesn't smoke weed. I've got nothing against those who smoke weed, and I've tried it a couple of times, but it just doesn't do anything for me so I don't see a reason to smoke it. Watching The L Word with other bi women was fun as we discussed which of the women on the show were turn ons and which turn offs and why. We are an interesting group as we all thought that the women on The L Word are too damned skinny with barely any boobs. Bleah. We all agree we like our women to have a little more flesh on the bones.

All in all, it was a good weekend. It would have been a great weekend if the Illini would have beaten Wisconsin today and made it into the big dance. Oh well, can't have everything I suppose.

Because It's Easier Just to Post a Meme

I found (read stole) this from another blog because I liked it. If you do too, then feel free to steal it! I’m all about petty thievery, particularly when suffering from writer's block.

What if I could meet someone in the art world to chat with – Being completely non-artistic I would find it fascinating to listen to them talk about how they go about creating their pieces. Whether painting, drawing, sculpture, whatever, I would be completely enthralled to hear them talk about their work.

What if I could have one wish granted for the benefit of all mankind – An equitable worldwide food distribution system so that no one need be hungry for one more day.

What if I could travel anywhere in the world – I’ve always wanted to do an around the world cruise, not likely to be affordable unless I win the lottery one day. However, if I could I would enjoy cruising around the world visiting as many ports of call as possible and seeing as much as possible.

What if I could live in a period other than the present, for 24 hours – When Jesus was here on earth teaching. There are so many things about that time that I would not like as I have become accustomed to my cushy modern life filled with conveniences and technology, but for 24 hours I would enjoy being in that time and getting a sense of the world and its culture and society at that time.

What if I could make over three areas of my body – Let’s see, I’d lift “the girls” so they were perky and pointing forward rather than downward. Then I’d erase the many stretch marks that cover my hips and thighs. While I was down there I’d get rid of some of the bubble butt I have.

What if I could become an animal for 24 hours – I’d probably want to be an elephant. Why, you ask? Well, they are big so not considered prey in general (short of ivory hunters). They are strong and smart and vegetarian. What’s not to like? Besides it’d be way cool to pick things up with my nose.

What if I could bring someone back to life for 24 hours – This is a tough one. I have two I thought of right away so I’d have to decide between the two of them. My first thought was my Grandma (dad’s mom) because I loved her so much and miss her horribly still even though she’s been dead more than ten years. However, I think I would go with the second person who came to mind, my Granddaddy (mom’s dad). I loved him a whole lot too, and he died much too young thanks to hard living. I don’t know as much about him as I’d like because the family didn’t want to talk about his alcoholism, his stints in jail, etc. I would love to hear his stories from him. I would love to spend one more evening walking around town with him, stopping in the train yard to look in the boxcars, and stopping at the ice cream stand for a small chocolate cone. Also, Granddaddy would’ve liked this meme because it’s full of what he called “whatifers.” And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wipe from my eyes the tears that arose unbidden as I typed this.

Words or Actions

Given that today’s horoscope seems to describe where I am perfectly:

Although you might think that your social life has been busy recently, the activity could pick up another notch with the Sun, Uranus, Venus and Mercury all in your 11th House of Friends. Still, you may not have a lot to say these days, preferring to share food, music or other sensual experiences beyond the world of words.

I think I’ll just go with the flow with the plans for the weekend which includes attending a soccer mini-tournament in which N will be playing and a bi group sleepover with L Word marathon. Both of those activities will allow for sharing of “experiences beyond the world of words.”

Maybe it’s that not having a lot to say these days thing that is leading to the lack of substantive posts here lately.

Only 72 Days In

Only 72 days into Blog 365, and I blew it. I knew I was blowing it last night. I intended to post in the evening after dinner. I didn’t intend to get sick to my stomach over dinner, but I did. So I went to bed immediately after dinner. Yes, it was only around 8:30 or so. No, I didn’t immediately go to sleep. Yes, I was miserable. No, I didn’t throw up. I hate throwing up and will involuntarily fight against throwing up. I thought last night that I would have felt ever so much better if I could just throw up and get it all out, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m still not feeling great today, but I’m taking things easy and not really eating much, just drinking clear liquids for now. I really think my only problem was overeating yesterday due to a combination of stresses that triggered a binge pattern. Dang it, I was doing so well. Ah well, if you fall off the horse you just get back in the saddle and try to ride again. Today I’m climbing back on the healthy eating horse instead of the binging horse.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll post a real post later today.