Sunday, March 30, 2008

Shades of Gray

Sorry about yesterday's very short, very cryptic post. That was only because in my sleepiness I was trying to not miss a day for Blog 365 but didn't have the brain power to actually write anything.

I'm not sure I have the brain power to write anything today either, but I'm going to try.

It is surprising to me, but not to those that have been through similar situations, just how strong the emotions are that I'm experiencing over W moving out. Wow. Talk about feeling like somebody punched you in the gut.

So layered on top of that going on, BJ was actually in the area this weekend. That is something I should be thrilled about. And I am. However, I have this thick gray cloud hanging over me. At least BJ understands my feelings. He felt similar when he made his break last summer. I feel bad though that I couldn't pay 100% attention to him yesterday when we were together. I feel bad that I cried on his shoulder about it. I feel bad that I might once again be giving him the wrong message, the message that I don't wholeheartedly want to be with him. He assures me that all is well, and I hope that is the truth.

This morning I am sitting here, listening to N play with a friend that we allowed to spend the night. What was I thinking allowing that with all that is going on around me? Just trying to cram as much in as I can to push out the gray. I will admit though that I will be happy when N's friend goes home later, and W comes home from church and can spend time with N, and maybe just maybe, I can have some time to put my head straight.

3 comments:

The Silent Male said...

Some TrueSelf time does sound like it would be a good thing. Just come back to us pretty quick, we don't like the thoughts of our friends being alone for too long.

Bunny said...

A little time to yourself can be a good thing.

I was just wondering, do you and W attend the same church? If so, will you continue to do so after the split? Spousehole and I have discussed the issue of "who gets the church" if we split. We decided that we can try to attend the same church and be civil, but if it becomes too much trouble or too painful, I will go elsewhere. I have another church in the area that appeals to me and would work out for me. Spousehole has a harder time making new friends, so it's best if he stays put.

Drama said...

I know of what you speak girlfriend...totally and completely. It's a bit frustrating when you have those feelings because logically and intellectually you know you don't want to be with the ex any longer. Just remember, it's not HIM you are mourning the loss of...it's the marriage. Or as my counselor said, you aren't mourning him, you're mourning the IDEA of him...what you wish he had been or what he used to be and is no longer. I have a hunch BJ knows totally what you are going through and knows that it's not W that you are upset about losing. *I* know that and if he needs clarification, have him call me. LOL

Tremendous *hugs*.

Drama