Sorry about yesterday's very short, very cryptic post. That was only because in my sleepiness I was trying to not miss a day for Blog 365 but didn't have the brain power to actually write anything.
I'm not sure I have the brain power to write anything today either, but I'm going to try.
It is surprising to me, but not to those that have been through similar situations, just how strong the emotions are that I'm experiencing over W moving out. Wow. Talk about feeling like somebody punched you in the gut.
So layered on top of that going on, BJ was actually in the area this weekend. That is something I should be thrilled about. And I am. However, I have this thick gray cloud hanging over me. At least BJ understands my feelings. He felt similar when he made his break last summer. I feel bad though that I couldn't pay 100% attention to him yesterday when we were together. I feel bad that I cried on his shoulder about it. I feel bad that I might once again be giving him the wrong message, the message that I don't wholeheartedly want to be with him. He assures me that all is well, and I hope that is the truth.
This morning I am sitting here, listening to N play with a friend that we allowed to spend the night. What was I thinking allowing that with all that is going on around me? Just trying to cram as much in as I can to push out the gray. I will admit though that I will be happy when N's friend goes home later, and W comes home from church and can spend time with N, and maybe just maybe, I can have some time to put my head straight.
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THIS BLOG IS INTENDED FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. Anyone under 18 should leave immediately. This blog started as a place to chronicle my attempt at rekindling a long ago romance in spite of the fact that we were both married to others but evolved into a journal of my sexual revolution and now what is hopefully my maturation into a fully functional adult.
Just Who Do I Think I Am?
- Trueself
- A Little Place I Call Home, Midwest, United States
- I'm a middle-aged woman going through a midlife crisis. Sometimes I wonder if I'll live through it. Trying to figure out where I'm going and what I'm doing.
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Who's Who in Trueself's World
- Trueself (aka TS) - Me, a fat nerdy middle-aged widow with a great job (provided the company stays in business), a great son, and a messed up life
- N - My son, my reason for living, the greatest gift God ever gave me besides His own Son
- J - My high school sweetheart with whom I share love and the occasional rendezvous
- W - My husband, for better or worse; I took care of him until the day he died.
- Freud - My therapist
- Dr K - My psychiatrist, the one who medicates me when the talk therapy with Freud just isn't enough
- Boss - My previous supervisor who used to scare the shit out of me and now I only find mildly annoying on most days.
- Snow White - A coworker, also psycho
- Betty - A coworker who is practically perfect in every way and more than a little annoying to the rest of us mere mortals
- FU - My brother; the initials here may or may not represent what I would like to tell him most of the time
- FU2 - FU's wife, my sister-in-law
- Bella and Ella - My two nieces, daughters of FU and FU2
- Gladys - My next door neighbor whom I've named after the nosy neighbor on Bewitched. They're two of a kind.
- RB - Temporary housemate who lived with us while she was separated from her husband.
- TS2 - Former housemate who just so happens to have the same first name as I do. She drove W & N crazy, and sometimes me a little bit too, but the extra income from her rent sure helped.
- M - FWB from early fall 2009 through spring 2010 when he moved a couple of hours away
- BJ (aka Z) - The man I loved who just didn't turn out to be the right one no matter how much I loved him
- D - A former coworker and former friend who is in very many ways completely opposite of me. Why we get along is anyone's guess, but we did. . . until we didn't.
- C - My bestest best friend I thought, but we've drifted apart
- Q - W's girlfriend while he and I were separated
- H, K, & S - Guys I met online who shared with me various levels of adult type fun from time to time
- G & L - Guys I met online that went nowhere
- R & V - Women I met online that went nowhere
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3 comments:
Some TrueSelf time does sound like it would be a good thing. Just come back to us pretty quick, we don't like the thoughts of our friends being alone for too long.
A little time to yourself can be a good thing.
I was just wondering, do you and W attend the same church? If so, will you continue to do so after the split? Spousehole and I have discussed the issue of "who gets the church" if we split. We decided that we can try to attend the same church and be civil, but if it becomes too much trouble or too painful, I will go elsewhere. I have another church in the area that appeals to me and would work out for me. Spousehole has a harder time making new friends, so it's best if he stays put.
I know of what you speak girlfriend...totally and completely. It's a bit frustrating when you have those feelings because logically and intellectually you know you don't want to be with the ex any longer. Just remember, it's not HIM you are mourning the loss of...it's the marriage. Or as my counselor said, you aren't mourning him, you're mourning the IDEA of him...what you wish he had been or what he used to be and is no longer. I have a hunch BJ knows totally what you are going through and knows that it's not W that you are upset about losing. *I* know that and if he needs clarification, have him call me. LOL
Tremendous *hugs*.
Drama
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