Monday, March 24, 2008

Blue Monday

I learned something today. I learned that even though I am absolutely certain that divorce is the correct path for W and me that there is still grieving that I have to do over the loss of this marriage. I found myself crying as I was listening to:
Who Will Take Care Of Me
by Jon Secada

I had never really listened to the words before, or at least they didn't mean as much to me before me. I sat at my desk working, with the tears flowing, and realized that I really haven't grieved this loss. I spent so much time grieving the (temporary) loss of BJ that I never really grieved over this. Now, that isn't to say that people around me don't think I have grieved the marriage end. That is what they thought all my BJ grieving was divorce grieving. It was a good cover story at the time. Now they're probably thinking "So get over it already!" The reality is that I'm just starting to grieve. I imagine that the move towards W moving out has brought this over me. I'll get through it. I don't feel devastated by this, just sad. I'm just getting around to facing the sadness, but to get over it you have to move through it. So here I go, heading into it. Hopefully, it's going to be a short trip to the other side. In the meantime I think I'll set that Jon Secada CD up on a shelf.


Val said...

You are obviously a MUCH nicer person than me -- I got through our little "talk" this evening w/out shedding a single solitary tear, cold-hearted bitch that I am ;-)!
Mostly it was good to get things out in the open, fair & square...

Bunny said...

Even when it's the right thing, it's still hard to let go of all the hopes and dreams you had for the relationship. Don't rush the grieving process. It's necessary.

Trueself said...

Val - Well, I have to say that I have been very unfeeling throughout this up until the last couple of days. It just comes in stages I think, and I happen now to be in the cry-whenever-I-contemplate-what's-happening stage.

Bunny - No, I won't rush it. I've learned that even if you fight it the grieving will take the time it takes so you might just as well sit back and take the ride.

Serenity said...

Too bad I'm persona non grata around here, because i really do empathize, i was in the very same place. You can't move forward into the future without acknowledging the past in some way. But once you do get to a place of peace about the end of the marriage, woo hoo, look out. The rest of your life awaits. And it can shine.

Trueself said...

Serenity - As far as I'm concerned you are not persona non grata here. You are always welcome here.

I remember you writing about similar feelings, and that is one of the things that makes me know that this is just a part of the normal process.