The Sleeping Beast Wakes

Since about the time I turned 50 I lost all interest in sex. Now, if you’ve read much of the older parts of this blog you know that is just about a 180 degree turnaround for me. Somehow my 40’s were my “escapade decade” of lust and lasciviousness. Then almost simultaneously with turning 50 I lost all desire. The sexual appetite went to zero, nothing, nada. It was if someone had finally flipped the switch to the OFF position.


Thus, living with W reached a new level of tolerability. He didn’t want sex. I didn’t want sex. So what’s to argue about? (Well, other than how he treats N, and his hoarding habits, and his incessant time spent playing solitaire on the computer, but other than that...)

So began more than a year of détente. Notice not much blogging occurred during that time. What on earth would there have been to say? I decided that I was a better person when I had no desires of a sexual nature. I decided that since I wasn’t feeling it there was no use forcing it. The vibrator sat idly by. I sat idly by.

Then, within the last couple of weeks, a few urges started creeping back. Sex started to sound more interesting than it had in a very long while. I’ve actually engaged in some playful banter full of flirtation and double entendres while chatting with a couple of people (J being one and an old blogging buddy the other). I am not seeking out opportunities, but if an opportunity arose I am pretty sure I would jump at it. Don’t worry though. Opportunities are few and far between so there is little likelihood that any of us need to contemplate the consequences of that.

Last night I took matters into my own hands. The nightstand drawer was opened for the first time in a long time so I could get out the toys for a little bit of “me time.” It was okay, but it just made me hornier rather than satisfied.

I did discover that I need a new vibe. The old one has a short in it or something because it will work, then not, then with just the right jiggle will work again for a bit. I am considering heading up to the “toy store” to get a new one. I’ve only been there once (or maybe twice) with BJ there to keep my nerves from getting the best of me. Am I adult enough to enter an adult store all by myself? I’m not 100% sure, but I’m going to try to muster the nerve. A girl’s gotta have suitable toys when the real thing is not available. Of course, I know I could order online, but then everybody in the house would ask what’s in the package so I would prefer not to go that route.

Sunday Stealing: Late but not too late

I finally caught up, and then look what I went and did.  Yes, I became a slacker and almost didn't get this posted this week.  Fortunately, this is the last installment of the 200 question meme that went on and on forfreakingever.  Hopefully, this Sunday will bring something new and different, possibly even interesting.  We'll see...

181. What's the BEST rock band that you have seen live?

Joan Jett & the Black Hearts

182. Could you image being in a situation where you would run from the police?
I can imagine better than image…
No, I am terrified of the police so I would not run. I would be absolutely as compliant as possible. I have no desire to be shot or beaten, and although compliance doesn’t guarantee those things won’t happen I believe it would give me a better chance than running since I would be easy to catch with my bad left knee.

183. Have you ever been asked for an autograph?
Not that I can recall.

184. What would you change about your living room?
Get rid of the clutter and buy some drapes for the windows.

185. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
Glass

186. Last hug?
A friend I had lunch with last week. How sad… People need hugs every single day.

187. Have you ever had to make up your mind?
No, I’ve pretty much let other people make up my mind for me. How sad…
Actually that isn’t true. Once I thought about it I realize I make up my mind all the time about certain things, and once it’s made up ain’t nobody gonna stop me.

188. What is on top of your refrigerator?
A plastic popcorn bucket and a roll of aluminum foil along with a bit of dust.

189. Did it work out for you in terms of kids? (Meaning how did it work out & are you happy. In other words, from “Have none, wanted none” to “8 kids & 3 grandkids)
Have one, wanted two, but one is okay.

190. Are you afraid of the dark?
Yes. I still sleep with night lights.

191. What if you had three wishes – what would you wish for?
Presuming I can’t wish for more wishes:
• Enough money to retire comfortably and attend seminary
• That W would adopt a reasonable attitude and develop better people skills
• That I could get to a reasonable weight and stay there without feeling deprived

192. Do you feel sad often?
Yes

193. Have you ever been in lust for an extended period of time?
Oh yes. Pretty much the entirety of my 40’s.

194. Do you shower daily?
Nope. Almost, but not quite. If I’m not leaving the house I just don’t see the point.

195. Have you ever prank called someone?
When I was in eighth grade, I spent the night with a friend, and she and I spent a good deal of time on the phone prank calling boys in our class.

196. If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
Too much so…

197. You are about to die. What do you do with your worldly possessions?
Nothing at all. Let the survivors deal with ‘em. Once I die I won’t care.

198. Tell us about the first time that you bought a car.
It’s kind of a long story and one I'm not particularly inclined to tell at the moment...

199. What is your favorite type of music?
That’s really hard because I like a lot of different types of music, and my favorite at any given moment kind of depends on my mood. I go through phases. Lately, I’ve been more into country and country/pop crossovers, but a while back I was on a real classical kick. This week W and I are going to a jazz concert so who knows? Jazz might be my next obsession.

200. What’s your family like?
Oh so very complicated… We like to act like we’re the All American family, but we’re really just a big ole mess of dysfunction.

Two Dozen

That’s how many years W and I have been married – 24 – as of this past Wednesday.


That seems long enough sentence, doesn’t it?

Apparently not.

Every time I start thinking about giving him the final boot, something stops me.
Finances…
Health…
Fear…
Excuses…

Sometimes it’s just easier to deal with the hell I know rather than the ones I don’t.

Do other people go through life like this?
Is this how life is supposed to be?

I am way too stupid to have the answers…

Maybe It's Time for a Real Post

You know, as fun as the Sunday Stealing memes are, they aren’t really the point of this blog although you would never know that from recent posts.


The point of this blog is that it is a place for me to say the unacceptable, to spout off about things that just can’t be said to real life people in my real life world, except for those I have met through this blog and know all the bad stuff about me and tolerate me anyway.

(BTW, if I were a professional writer, or editor, I would feel the need to go back and fix up the plethora of run on sentences here and in other posts. Fortunately, I’m an accountant and don’t care.)

Today’s rant will be a stream of consciousness mind-emptying vomitus (I don’t know if that’s a real word or not, but I like it, and I think you know what I’m getting at here so just go with it) of words that are cluttering my mind and keeping me from concentrating on other things, like work. No continuity is guaranteed from one paragraph to the next, or indeed, even one sentence to the next. Proceed with caution and at your own risk.

I realize more and more that I am the very definition of a bleeding heart liberal. I want to take care of everybody. I want to be a friend to the friendless. I want others to want to help out as much as I want to. I want to make others care about our fellow humans and our world in general. I want peace and a baseline of adequacy for everyone. What I don’t get is why everyone doesn’t feel that way. Why does it have to be a dog eat dog world? As Rodney King (may his soul rest in peace) said, “Can’t we all just get along?” Do we always have to view someone as the enemy? What the hell, people?!?? It seems as though somehow society got stuck in the junior high phase and never matured beyond that. I watch how N and his friends and schoolmates treat each other, and it’s brutal. Junior high kids are cruel! But you know what? So are adults! They’ve just honed their techniques more so that they do it a little more glibly, a bit smoother and not so rough around the edges.

Whatever happened to the Golden Rule? You remember that one, don’t you? No, not “He who has the gold makes the rules,” though that’s the one we seem to be following. The one that says, “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” Or go with Jesus’ words, “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Who did Jesus mean when he used the term “neighbor”? He meant everyone, not just the guys you’re friends with. He meant your drunk neighbor, your Muslim neighbor, your gay neighbor, your loud neighbor, your rude neighbor, your African American neighbor, your lazy neighbor, your poor neighbor, your rich neighbor, your well dressed neighbor, your white neighbor, your Christian neighbor, your sober neighbor, your quiet neighbor, your polite neighbor, your Buddhist neighbor, your straight neighbor, your nosy neighbor, your scary neighbor, your kind neighbor. I could go on and on because he meant EVERYBODY. Without exception. WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

Not that I get it right all the time. None of us do. I get pissed off at people. I get selfish with my stuff at times. I forget that every single one of us is God’s child, loved by God, and that we should treat all of God’s children the way God would want us to treat them. It is hard sometimes to love every child of God. Yet that is what God calls us to do. “What about the people who do bad things?” you may ask. “How can I love someone who causes harm?” To that I say that loving someone does not mean that you allow people to run amok or get away with evil. You must establish boundaries so that you do not allow others to take advantage of you, but that doesn’t mean you should do it without love and concern for the common good and for all people, including the one with whom you are in conflict.

Is this sounding a bit like a sermon? I didn’t start out to write a sermon here, and yet these are the thoughts on my mind lately. These are the ideas that are rambling about in my brain. And there is one term that keeps coming back to me – radical hospitality. It is this theme of radical hospitality that continually comes back to me. God is speaking to me. There is something I need to do in terms of radical hospitality. I don’t know just what it is yet, but God is leading me there in God’s time rather than mine. The seed is planted, and now it is up to me to nurture it and help it grow. I feel led to delve deeper into my study of the Bible, to read the Gospels more closely, to focus on Jesus’ acts of radical hospitality. His washing the disciples’ feet comes to mind, being servant rather than leader.

Where am I headed? Where will all this lead? I haven’t a clue, but I trust in God. If I hold my heart open to God’s leading I know I will have the direction made clear to me. One thing that has become clear as I have written this is that I need to focus my energies on me, to make myself a role model for others rather than trying to change others.

One other thought before I let go here. Church needs to be a place where we not only worship but our base for service to our community. Any church that is not serving the greater community in which it exists is not a glory to God no matter how many attend worship or how beautiful their sanctuary or how perfectly executed their worship services are. The church must exist outside the four walls of the church building, or it really doesn’t exist at all.

You may be wondering why any of the above is not the kind of thing I can talk about with real people in my real life.  After all, it isn't about affairs or unspoken bitchiness or anything that would necessarily get me into trouble.  It is, though, the kind of thing I feel uncomfortable talking about.  Religion, spirituality, church.  These things are difficult to talk about in real life for me because I don't feel people really understand me.  The conservative fundamentalist types find my ideas bizarrely radical.  The liberals find my Biblical interpretations too literal.  I am caught in a strange little netherworld.  Yet I know that God gets me.  God and I are good with each other.  I am quite confident in that, and that is what is truly important.

Sunday Stealing All Caught Up: 121-180

With this installment I officially catch up with Sunday Stealing and will only be answering the questions for the current week after this until I lose interest again.

BTW, in case you didn’t realize it by now, I have a rather dry sense of humor, tend to be more than a little sarcastic, and probably shouldn’t be taken terribly seriously when I answer some of these questions. It’s up to you to determine when I’m serious and when I’m being a smart ass…

121. Have you gone rock climbing? If not, would you?
No and no.

122. Do you believe in forever love in a romantic relationship?
Yes, but then again I believe in Santa Claus too.

123. As a kid did you ever sneak anyone into your house?
Yes, I used to regularly sneak J in when we were in high school.

124. Do you personally know anyone homeless?
Yes, I wish I had an answer to bringing them out of homelessness, but it is a more complex issue than most people know and not easily solved. Also, before you ask if I care so much have I ever taken any into my home, let me just say that twice W and I have saved people from becoming homeless by renting them a room in our house and charged very little. So yes, I do what I can, but I’m just one person with one house with one spare bedroom. I do my part. Do you?

125. Do you believe in aliens?
Well, I hear we have a problem with illegal aliens in this country. If aliens didn’t exist then I don’t think we’d have a problem with illegal aliens.

126. Have you ever killed someone?
No. Not that I haven’t thought about it or wished it, but no I would never intentionally kill someone. Wait. I take that back. If I had to kill someone to protect N I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. You’ve been warned. Don’t f*** with N, or you are taking your life in your hands. Mama Bear has spoken…

127. What would it take for you to sell your soul to a devil?
There is nothing that would get me to sell my soul to a devil, not even for a perfect life for N because there is no such thing as a perfect life. And no, not even to save N's life because I believe we'll be together in Heaven once we're both dead, and if I sold my soul to a devil I wouldn't make it to Heaven, would I?

128. Top or bottom?
Bottom mostly, but variety is good.

129. Are you happy with your career?
Yes and no. Yes, I love what I do. No, I wish I could work my way back up to management which seems darned near impossible.

130. What's your favorite store to buy clothes? Why?
I hate buying clothes…

131. What is your eye color?
It depends on who you ask, what I’m wearing and what the lighting is…

132. Watching or playing sports?
Yes…

133. Would you have plastic surgery?
No. It just looks so… plastic…

134. Name one website that you visit daily. Why do you read it?
Facebook. Gotta keep up with friends…

135. Are you going on vacation this year? If so, where?
Yes, my church’s mission trip to Appalachia where we’ll be repairing homes for people in need. It is a vacation from the standpoint that I will only be responsible for myself and nobody else. Get in the van. Let someone else drive. Let someone else provide meals and shelter while I’m away. All I have to do is work several hours of physical labor each day. It’s so different from my real life it is a true vacation.

136. How do you align yourself politically?
Generally Democrat because they generally espouse similar philosophy to mine. However, I don’t vote the party line. I vote for the candidate, not the party. I vote for those who will work to make policy that will benefit the majority of people, not just the rich. I vote for those who don’t buy in to the bullshit of trickle down economics. I vote for those who I believe follow the true tenets of Jesus, the ones who believe in radical hospitality and the dignity of all people. I support policies that provide fair and equal treatment to all people.

137. Do you have any pets?
Yes. One cat, one dog.

138. Do you believe in soul mates?
Not really.

139. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
Lack of self control.

140. How long have you played Sunday Stealing?
Off and on for a few years.

141. What's the difference between Stealing and other memes that you do?
No idea. Don’t care.

142. Best cartoon show ever?
Rocky and Bullwinkle

143. Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes?
Yes. I would NOT be with someone who smokes. No way. No how. No exceptions.

144. Do you ever use your full name?
Yes.

145. Do you get annoyed easily?
Who? Me? Why do you ask? Get away from me!

146. Indecent proposal: Would you sleep with an attractive billionaire for millions of $?
In a heartbeat… if you find one willing to sleep with a fat middle aged woman give them my number, won’t you?

147. Where do you draw the line?
Just a little shy of crazy and well beyond politically correct.

148. Have you ever been on a road trip?
Yes. Many.

149. What’s your favorite drink?
Alcoholic – Jack & Coke
Non-alcoholic – nonfat mint mocha, no whip

150. Which is better, amazing eyes or an amazing smile? Why?
Eyes, because they are the windows to the soul while a smile can fake you out.

151. What was your first thought this morning?
What day is it? Is it a weekday? Do I have to get up and go to work? Why am I so confused?
And then I hit the Snooze button…

152. Have you ever wanted to go to sleep and not wake up?
Not really. I’m not a big fan of wasting time sleeping when there are so many thoughts to think…

153. Would you try to take over the world?
No. I couldn’t take that much responsibility. And really? You wouldn’t want me to either. I would do awful things like tax everyone enough to provide healthcare for all, and redistribute food resources so that nobody had to go hungry.  I would end subsidies for corporations for stupid stuff and make them pay their fair share of taxes.  I would increase minimum wage and introduce a cap on maximum wages (including bonuses and profit sharing) so that everyone could have a decent living and the gap between rich and poor became smaller. Yeah, I’m pretty much every rich person’s nightmare and the nightmare of many middle class and lower class "sheep."  Be thankful I'm not too ambitious about the whole world takeover thing.

154. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you?
When you’re bi there really isn’t a preferred sex, but either way it’s been so long I don’t even remember.

155. Have you ever been asked to do something disgusting?
Yes. Cleaning up vomit, whether one’s own, one’s child’s, or one’s pet’s is disgusting.

156. How much cash do you have right now?
Less than $10

157. Tell us something totally random about yourself.
I really want to attend seminary and become ordained.

158. What really turns you off?
Aggression.

159. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Nope

160. You’re having a bad day. Who do you want to talk to?
Nobody. I want to be left alone so I can sit at the piano and play until I calm down.

161. Have you ever studied the Bible?
Yes, I love Bible study and wish my church had more.

162. What really turns you off?
Being asked the same question twice in a short time…

163. What's a goal that you'd like to achieve?
Becoming an ordained minister and pastoring my own church

164. Name one celebrity you hate, and why.
Kirk Cameron for the distorted message of Christianity he spreads

165. What’s your favorite store?
Meijer.

166. What's one goal you’d like to achieve this year?
Finding out what is wrong with my left knee and getting it fixed. To that end, I have an appointment with an orthopedic specialist next week.

167. What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex?
Fingers. I love long, slim fingers with nicely manicured short nails… piano player hands in other words.

168. Who is your oldest friend? How long have you known them?
I don’t generally inquire about peoples’ ages when I befriend them so I don’t know which one is oldest. The longest friendship is with a high school friend whom I’ve known since 1975. That’s what, about 37 years?

169. Do you like photography?
Not particularly.

170. Pain or no gain?
Mostly no gain…

171. What's something people say that you generally find annoying?
“I could care less.” Generally they really mean they could NOT care less.
“Axe” when they mean “ask.”
“Jewry” when they mean “jewelry.”
“I” rather than “me” after a preposition.
“Yo” in place of “hello.”
“You’d be so pretty if you just lost weight.” Yeah? Well, you’d be pleasant to be around if you’d shut up.
Let’s just say I find anything grammatically incorrect, or rude, to be annoying.

172. How often do you change your myspace/facebook/etc profile?
Very rarely. So rarely I can’t remember the last time I touched my profile. Status updates yes. Profile changes no.

173. Do you ever cook?
Yes, though not as often as I used to… :-(

174. Have you ever been on a boat?
Yes, many times

175. What do you do most when you’re bored?
Eat or play games on my smart phone

176. What is your favorite musical instrument?
Harpsichord at the moment

177. What’s your phone ringtone?
Whatever the phone came with.

178. Have you ever been in a movie? (Either amateur or professional.)
In high school our Spanish class made a movie in Spanish. We did Cinderella, and I was the fairy godmother.  Hmm... I wonder if that video tape still exists...

179. Describe your life currently in five words.
Waiting for my next turn…

180. Where did you last fly to and why?
It’s been a while. Let me think. Oh yeah. We flew to LA when the Illini were in the Rose Bowl a few years ago. No. Wait. That’s not it. It was the trip to Seattle BJ took me on when he and I were still together. I still feel guilty that I didn’t pay my own way. Of course, that was the trip when I got to meet Jeni Angel, so it was well worth whatever BJ paid for me to go!



(Can you tell I have the slightest crush on Jeni by the number of times I mention her in this blog? I admit it. I do. Too bad she’s straight… and way over there on the other side of the country... Actually, it's more like a celebrity crush, you know, the kind where you crush on someone you have no chance with but admire from afar?  Yeah, like the one I have on Howard Stern.  Howard Stern... Jeni Angel...  I have eclectic tastes...  Oh, and one other thing just to prove my tastes are eclectic, the guys in Magic Mike?  Meh... didn't do that much for me.  Yep, eclectic...)

Sunday Stealing Catchup Part III: 81-120

81. What’s your favorite action movie?

Die Hard

82. Have (or are) you ever been involved someone much older than you?
W is 27 years older than I am so yeah.

83. Do you believe in lust at first sight?
Absolutely!

84. Favorite type of venomous snake?
No snake is a good type of snake, and I certainly don’t have a favorite. Well, now that I think about it my favorite snake is any snake that isn’t near me.

85. Do you drink alcohol?
Only when I want to.

86. If you wanted to talk to someone who'd lift your spirits, who'd you call?
JeniAngel or Drama

87. What do you wear to feel sexy?
This presumes that I ever feel sexy…

88. Do you like to learn?
Love to. If I could afford it I’d become a professional student and earn degree after degree just to learn more stuff.

89. Have you ever been hit on by someone who really overestimated their attractiveness?
Oh yeah.

90. Where did you last go on vacation?
Vacation? What’s that?

91. Dallas (as in J.R. & Bobby) returns this week. What film or TV series would you loved to be resurrected?
All My Children

92. Explain your karma beliefs.
Karma will come back and bite you in the ass.

93. When do you think that you have a hard life?
When I’m being a pouty spoiled brat.

94. Favorite comic strip?
Zits. I see N in it regularly.

95. Have you ever broken a heart?
Probably.  Don't feel bad about it though.  I've had my heart broken by more people than the number of hearts I've ever broken.

96. Should pot be legalized?
Yes.

97. Have you ever gone skinny dipping with someone that you shouldn't have?
I don’t think so.

98. What do you do when you're down?
Sleep.

99. Last time you were really angry?
W. This week. Soccer registration. Put his foot in his mouth… again. Shudder.

100. What is your favorite flavor in general?
Chocolate! You just can’t go wrong with chocolate.

101. Name 4 things you always have with you.
Cell phone, drivers license, clothing, sense of humor.

102. How many SERIOUS exes do you have?
I’m not sure how many are serious vs. how many are funny, but none of my exes live in Texas…

103. What causes you to admire people?
When they do something admirable, like doing something to help others rather than themselves or doing something with regard to the betterment of society over the profit they might make.

104. Do you like sports?
Love basketball, like baseball, like watching N play sports.

105. Would you have sex after marriage? Why or why not?
After? Well, sure as long as the spouse is willing. According to some of the blogs I read there are some spouses who are so unwilling, or unable, that it doesn’t happen. My marriage would be an example of that.

106. What is your favorite male name?
Christopher

107. Do animals go to Heaven?
I don’t know, and I let God handle that question.

108. Last time you had a great time with your dad?
No fair asking this of someone who lost their dad in the last year…

109. What is your favorite hair style?
Any hairstyle where I can wash and wear. I hate fussing with my hair.

110. Do you like your name?
No!

111. When was the last time that you quit your job?
Five and a half years ago when I got this one.

112. When you wake up, what is the first thing you think?
Oh shit. It’s morning again…

113. Have you ever pulled an all-niter?
Well, I was a college student after all… of course!

114. What is the perfect day for you?
Breakfast in bed, read the paper, long shower, comfy clothes, cooking or baking, playing the piano, leisurely dinner, movie on Netflix, late night brownies and milk

115. Last time you cleaned the bathroom?
Couldn’t tell you. That’s W’s job.

116. Have you ever failed a grade? Why?
Hell no! ‘Cause I studied!

117. Have you met anyone online?
Lots of people. Mostly wonderful. Mostly wacky. Some almost normal…

118. Have you ever smoked?
Yep.

119. Do you like celebrities?
It depends on which ones.

120. Do you like traveling?
Love it. Love it. Love it.

Sunday Stealing: Questions 41-80

41. Growing up, who was the easier mark: Mom or Dad?
Man that’s a tough question. Neither one was an easy mark, and they perfected the “what did the other parent say?” response to every request. Nothing was slipped by either one. Neither was willing to spend money on nonessentials. I think Mom was more likely to believe made up excuses so I guess I’ll go with Mom.

42. What is the stupidest pet that you ever saw?
A snake. I just don’t get having a snake as a pet. There is nothing cute and cuddly about a snake.

43. Tell us about a band whose every CD is a “must have”.
Dixie Chicks. Love them.

44. Were you surprised when Jim Parsons came out?
Who is Jim Parsons?

45. Have you ever shoplifted?
Nope

46. We currently have a person who plays both this meme and Saturday 9 who signs in to Mr. Linky every week. Yet, if you click on that link, you are told that only “members” can read the blog. Why do you think that person even bothers to sign in or for that matter, do the meme? (Don't misunderstand, we have no rules and we aren't angry. But it is damn peculiar, no?)
I can see doing the meme for oneself and one’s readers even if it is not on a public blog. I suppose the person signs in just to register that he/she is participating and assumes that people want to know how many, even if in private, are participating in the meme.

47. Have you ever driven a Ferrari?
Nope

48. What do you call those little plastic things on the ends of shoelaces?
I know they have a name that I can’t remember and don’t feel like looking up. I call them “those little plastic thingies.”

49. Have you ever walked more than a mile?
Of course! Hasn’t everyone?

50. Do you believe in magic?
I believe in sleight of hand

51. Have you ever been arrested?
Heavens no.

52. Have you ever skinny dipped?
Of course! Hasn’t everyone?

53. Explain what you think about hippies.
What do you mean? Hippies. They are people. Individuals. Free spirits. What’s to think about?

54. New York or California?
California. No question about it.

55. Have you ever been dumped?
More times than I care to count.

56. What are you wearing right now?
Illini polo shirt, blue capris, orange sandals. And no, I had no idea I’d be answering this question when I got dressed this morning.

57. John Edwards had a mistrial. How do you think he conducted himself after the verdict?
I don’t know. How did he conduct himself? I really have paid no attention to him.

58. Did you watch the series finale of House?
Nope. Never saw even one episode.

59. You may need to go back a long way if you are old like Harriet. Who was the last person who asked you out? (Or that asked you out. Same dumb question either way.)
I have no clue. Probably BJ.

60. Do you have any collections?
Dust bunnies. I collect them under my bed.

61. Ocean or pool?
Pool. Fewer unknown creatures in the pool, and it’s clearer so you can see whatever unknown creatures might be there.

62. Fridays or Ruby Tuesdays?
Ruby Tuesdays

63. Did you want to go to college?
Of course! I can’t imagine not going to college.

64. What did you last time at a mall?
Hmm… seems to me there is a missing word between “you” and “last.” Could be “buy” or could be “do” or even something else. Let’s go with “do” and then try to think when the last time is that I was at a mall…
Hmm… may have to come back to this one.
After much thinking, I do believe it was a couple of months ago when I took N because he wanted to do some shopping. He wanted to do his shopping alone so I sat in the food court sipping my diet soda until he finished. Yes, I am just that exciting…

65. Which close friend have you known the longest?
This question presumes that I have close friends…

66. Why do you like the music you do?
It is melodious and makes sense.

67. Do you read much?
Not as much as I’d like to.

68. Favorite country?
U.S.

69. What is something you wish you were better at?
Social interaction… and playing piano. Both of those I could improve with practice.

70. What’s your favorite album/CD?
Netherlands by Dan Fogelberg

71. What's a good dinner order?
Grilled shrimp, rice pilaf, grilled asparagus, Caesar salad, chardonnay

72. Planes or boats?
Planes.

73. One rumor that’s been spread about you:
That I was a stuck up bitch. The truth was that I was supremely socially awkward and shy, but somehow that was perceived by many as me looking down my nose at people.

74. Who is your newest friend?
A woman I met through the bi support group. She is awesome. She is totally out, a vocal advocate for the LGBT community, and is just great fun to hang around with.

75. Have you ever sat on a rooftop?
Yes, as a teen my bedroom window opened out onto the roof. I loved climbing out there and watching the stars.

76. Was your last text useful?
Yes, it was N answering a question I texted to him.

77. Favorite soda?
Depends on whether it’s regular or diet.
Regular – Strawberry Crush, it is sickly sweet, leaves a red rim around your mouth if you drink it without a straw, and is absolutely the ultimate soda in my opinion.
Diet – Diet Dr. Pepper, it tastes about as close to regular as you’ll find in a diet soda, and is just quite tasty.

78. Do you like yourself?
Mostly no although I do like certain aspects of me.

79. The worst weather: Hot or cold?
Cold, without a doubt cold. I love hot, summer weather and can hang in there with the best of them. Winter, on the other hand, totally sucks. I do not like being chilled and hate having to bundle up, not to mention the cold air bothers my lungs.

80. Do you play an instrument?
Only five – piano, flute, oboe, organ, and trombone, listed in the order I learned them. I am sad to say I have not learned any new instruments since high school, which is a bummer. I would like to learn more, like bassoon and saxophone and maybe guitar.

And So She Goes. . .

TS2 told me this morning she has found an apartment and will be moving the beginning of August.

Hallelujah!  I think it's all for the best that she is moving out.  Tensions have run high between W and TS2.  She wanted to be part of the family.  He wanted her to just be a tenant.  They rarely see eye to eye on things.  I can get along with her just fine, but then again, I tend to be an easygoing sort.  Things don't irritate me as quickly as they irritate W.  N likes her fine most of the time, but he too gets irritated with her at times.  She does tend to overstep boundaries and has to be reminded to step back occasionally.  Therefore, hallelujah, TS2 is leaving.

Drat!  We lose the rental income.  It wasn't a lot, and we didn't charge market rate rent because we were kind of doing her a favor letting her live with us while she got on her feet financially.  Yet that extra $$ we got sure did help out in keeping the household budget under control.  Therefore, drat, TS2 is leaving.

Do we rent out the spare room to someone else now?  Living in a university community means there would be decent opportunity to rent to a student or a visiting lecturer or other person associated with the university.  If we did rent, we would need to be a bit smarter this time and do some things very differently.  I would insist we have a written contract, and that certain rules and expectations be clearly stated in it.  I would charge market rate rent.

Through the years we've rented to various people in various situations.  We've had good experiences and bad.  I kind of like having extra people around.  W and N aren't as good about having extra people around unless those extra people do everything their way.  I don't know for sure what we'll do.

Sigh...

Can't Help but Notice

I was perusing my stats this morning and noticed that someone in Beirut  had visited one of my posts on infidelity.  How interesting, I thought, particularly given the part of the world.  Then I noticed about a day before that someone from Texas had also read it.  Seemed kind of a big coincidence given that I wrote it back in 2009.  What're the odds?  So I thought that perhaps the Beirut reader had been pointed there by the Texas reader.

I went back and read the post myself.  Good post.  I totally agree with it, which isn't always the case when I go back and read my old stuff.  Sometimes I wonder at how I could've thought that way at one time.  Not with this one.  It is spot on.

Return of Sunday Stealing

I used to participate in Sunday Stealing's memes on a fairly regular basis.  Right now they are in the middle of a giant 200 question meme at the rate of 20 questions per week.  In order for me to catch up (and kill time) I'm going to try posting at the rate of 40 questions per week until they and I are in sync.  Here are the first 40.

1. Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?
Yep. I have a bad habit of waiting to the point of desperation. A few times (less than half a dozen) I’ve waited just a bit too long.

2. Who do you have a celebrity crush on now?
Howard Stern. I know, I know, but I’m really loving him on America’s Got Talent.

3. Would you date someone you met online?
I would and I have, and you know how that’s turned out if you’ve read the older parts of this blog.

4. Do you wear underwear always?
Nope. Most of the time but not always. Sometimes you just need to air out.

5. Do you hate yourself at times?
Yep, more times than not though I’m working on that.

7. Do you like dirty movies?
Sometimes, but I’m really more the dirty stories type.

8. Could you believe Josha Ledet was voted off Idol?
Don’t watch, don’t care

9. When was the last time that you bought a car?
About five years ago I think, maybe more.  With over 110K miles on it, I might start thinking about buying a new one if I can find the $$$.

10. Have you ever been camping?
Yep, but not recently

11. How many times a day do you go on facebook?
Too many

12. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?
The Avengers

13. Have you ever worried that you'd cut off a limb?
No, I can’t even imagine partaking of an activity that would make me need to worry about such things.

14. Where did you get your last email from?
My answer is a who not a where: A coworker

15. Favorite website?
WeightWatchers.com

16. Are you down with ghetto?
I have a 13-year-old biracial son. I better be. :-)

17. Will the world end in fire or ice?
Don’t know, don’t care

18. Do you believe in the afterlife?
Yep

19. Would you be upset if facebook stopped working?
For a while until I could find another online way of staying in touch with friends

20. How did you start your blog?
I went to Blogger and followed the instructions. Oh, you mean how did I make the decision to start my blog. Well, I had things to say that were clearly unacceptable to say in real life to real people I knew so I started talking to the invisible internet people, some of whom I have since found out are real people too!

21. Have you felt that life is like being on a roller coaster?
Hell yes.

22. Favorite year so far?
1979, the year I graduated high school and started college

23. Do you consider yourself religious?
Very much so

24. How do you dress to impress?
I don’t dress to impress. Period.

25. Have you ever been to Connecticut?
Nope.

26. Do you eat sushi?
Nope.

27. Would you smoke pot providing there was no risk or driving involved?
Probably not

28. What do you think of Idol Winner Phillip Phillips??
Don’t watch, don’t care

29. Do you believe that animals have souls?
Unsure

30. Who did you last talk to?
W

31. What is one thing that always annoys you?
People chewing on ice

32. Do you believe in a higher being?
Yes

33. Have you ever fallen in love with a neighbor?
No

34. Any plans for this weekend?
Yes

35. Would you like to rule your country, if you could?
Yes

36. Do you like watching films about the nature of animals?
Not generally

37. What's the difference between lust and/or lust?
Umm, aren’t lust and lust the same? I assume this was supposed to say “lust and/or love” and will answer accordingly. Lust is the overwhelming feeling of wanting to have sex with someone and can be fleeting. Love is a deeper emotion that takes time to grow, includes a lot of elements like trust, devotion, honesty, respect, and in my experience never really dies.

38. Do you have a soul?
Yes

39. One best friend or many good friends?
Many acquaintances, sadly not exactly sure how many I could count as friends much less good friends.

40. Do you believe in spontaneous combustion?
No, I believe there is a scientific explanation for such things.

Barely a Post

Recently joined a bisexual support group locally. It's good to talk with others who understand. All the feelings that I've had about things are finally validated by hearing that others have experienced similar reactions from people both straight and gay. I may expound more on this at another time, but right now I've got to get to work.

When Words Aren't Enough

One of the reasons I've been writing a lot lately is that I have a lot of thoughts and emotions that I can't seem to put into words and can't seem to let go of. So... I write... I write in hopes that somehow the words will evetually come and that somehow that will help bring peace to my restless, troubled soul. So far... Nuttin'.

Bleah...

I hate when this happens. I hate when I'm unsettled and can't begin to find a solution because I can't even define the problem.

Bleah...

Frustration? What Frustration?

Yesterday was too busy for blogging, but I do want to write about my session with Freud the other day.

We talked about how I can handle certain situations where I acquiesce to others to keep peace and don’t look out well for myself. (This aspect of my persona is well documented here on the blog and can be perused by you at your leisure.)

This week’s focus was an episode that happened last week between W and me. God bless W. At least he is consistent about certain things – things that naturally drive me crazy.

Here is our exchange:

TS – W, you don’t need to go with us on Saturday if you don’t want to. I’m just going to drive N’s friend home to LOH and then turn around and come back. [Note to readers: LOH is approx. 3 hours away] There’s no need for you to go if you don’t want to.

W – That’s okay. I’ll go.

TS – Well, to be honest I’d really rather just go alone. I find driving by myself to be relaxing, and I enjoy the time to myself.

W – You can drive by yourself. I’ll just sit next to you.

TS – [quizzical look; perplexed; unsure of next move]

W – [pouty look starts to form]

TS – Okay, if you’d like.

W – Okay.

So I seethed. I wanted to go by myself. N had already told me he didn’t really want to go. His friend was likely to sleep all the way down (which he did end up doing) so there really wasn’t much point in anyone else going. But no. W was going. Now, why didn’t I put my foot down? To protect N from his pouting and anger. Based on prior similar situations I knew we’d be in for several days of pouting until a day or two after the trip. Based on prior similar situations I knew the pouting would turn to anger at least once or twice during that period and would most likely be misdirected toward N rather than me because it’s more dangerous to vent anger on me. So… I sucked it up and took W with us… and, as it turned out, N because N’s friend talked him into going too.

I seethed… on the inside only. I said nothing to W or N about my frustration. I almost called Freud for advice but hesitated. What a silly petty thing to bother Freud about.

And we went on the trip. Three hours down, N listening to his Ipod, N’s friend sound asleep, W offering driving advice (because we all know what an awesome driver he is \sarcasm). We dropped N’s friend off at his house and visited with his mom for a short time. We headed home. I wanted to stop for lunch. W and N weren’t hungry. It was only 1 p.m. after all. Fine. I inwardly seethed some more. If only I were by myself I could have lunch whenever I damned well pleased.

Around 3 p.m. W and N finally acquiesced to stopping to eat. It was a good thing because we hadn’t eaten since 9 a.m., and I was starting to get a headache and feel a little bit shaky. Of course, I was only the driver so no big deal, right? (Oh, the sarcasm is really dripping now, isn’t it? Sorry, hope none of it dripped on your shirt.) I insisted on a sit down restaurant rather than fast food drive through to eat on the way despite the resultant whining from N.

After we got home around 5 p.m., I announced I was done for the day. I’m doing nothing else. Make your own dinner should you want any.

Sigh…

So we all took our turn acting childish.



I related most of this to Freud (actually we never made it to the stopping-to-eat drama, but just covered the who-goes-on-the-trip drama) and told him that I just didn’t have a clue what I should have done differently. He agreed that it was made a bit trickier since N might have suffered from fallout had I just put my foot down with W and said “Suck it up and deal with staying home.” However, he gave me suggestions of ways I might have been able to approach it to lessen the chances of that happening although he couldn’t guarantee success. He also suggested that if I am really feeling a strong need for a “me day” (and I am) then I should tell W that now and offer to work with him to determine a day that will work for both of us. This discussion is now at the top of my priority list for this weekend.

As much as W would like us to spend 24/7 together (he’s told me this oh so many times over the years) I would go absolutely stark raving mad if I had to endure that. Shoot, I almost go stark raving mad now, and we don’t spend near that much time together.

Oh, and let me just share a little tidbit of a recent conversation with a friend. She said (very tactfully I might add), “W can approach things with a bit of negativity sometimes.” She wins the prize for Understatement of the Year.

Catching Up

Well, let's do a little catch up post, shall we?

Whassup with some of the infamous people in my cast of characters?

J - Birthday! A milestone one. We talked. He continues to be married to wife #3. She continues to monitor his phone, email and FB. He continues to want to get together. I continue to be ambivalent.

TS2 - Still livin' here. Rarely pays rent on time. Irritates W with everything she does (so it isn't all bad having her around). It is pretty clear why she can't keep a woman in her life. Needy. Very needy. Also, nothing has ever been her fault...

N - Growing like a weed. Can't believe I have a teen with a teen's appetite in every way. Eats me out of house and home. Loves the xbox games. Loves South Park. In another couple of years he'll be driving. Fortunately, he is not girl crazy... yet...

Boss - The longer I work for him the more I get along with him.

Betty - Continues to be the Golden One at work, but at least I know I'm not the only one who sees who she really is behind the mask.

FU - I have given up on ever having a decent relationship with my dear brother. At least I've learned that my mom doesn't trust FU either. She has named me executor in her will and made me trustee over the trusts for both N and my nieces. No, she doesn't trust FU to use his daughters' money for their benefit. How sad is that?  Also, she doesn't want to tell him that I will be in charge once she's gone.  Yes, that will be fun times once she's gone, and he finds out that I get to take control of the family finances.  (I realize this sounds like there's big bucks in the family.  There isn't.  What there is, though, Mom wants to make sure gets distributed the way she sees fit.)

Ella & Bella - My nieces are cute and sweet and just about the most sheltered girls ever.  FU is afraid to let them be out in the world so their world pretty much consists of FU, FU2 & my mom.  Bella, particularly, is incredibly shy and wary of strangers (including me & N on the few occasions when we've visited).  I feel bad for them but don't know that there is much I can do.

BJ - See him around on the interwebs occasionally.  Still miss him, but life goes on.

That's about it for the catching up.  Pretty much things are just status quo.  I have an appointment with Freud that I need to leave for in a few minutes.  Maybe tomorrow I'll blog about that.

The Intangibles

Well, I recently stepped back into the pulpit for a Sunday.  It was Pentecost and the scripture I preached from was Ezekiel 37.  Below you will find the text of my sermon.

I would like to share with you a quote from one of my favorite movies, Miracle on 34th Street, the 1947 version with Maureen O’Hara and Natalie Wood. Fred Gailey, the attorney who defends Kris Kringle, is speaking to Doris, the Maureen O’Hara character, who has had enough heartache in her life that her heart is hardened and her spirit is broken. She is very set on making sure her daughter is raised without anything but absolute tangible reality.

The quote:

Look Doris, someday you're going to find that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn't work. And when you do, don't overlook those lovely intangibles. You'll discover those are the only things that are worthwhile.

Intangibles. Difficult concept to grasp because intangibles are just that, intangible. When I looked up intangible in the online dictionary it not so helpfully said “something that is not tangible.” Continuing my quest, I looked up tangible, and here’s what I found:

Tangible a : capable of being perceived especially by the sense of touch : PALPABLE b : substantially real : MATERIAL

The Holy Spirit is one of those intangibles. The Holy Spirit is definitely something that is not capable of being perceived especially by the sense of touch. The Holy Spirit is not palpable or material. I might argue the “substantially real” part. I don’t particularly think of intangibles as being unreal although I suppose if you use “substantially” as meaning something of worldly substance then okay I suppose so.

I don’t know about you, maybe you have an easier time with intangibles than I do. Maybe you find it easy to interpret metaphor and imagery and to read between the lines. I tend to be a fairly linear, factual, black and white kind of gal. In school, literature classes struck terror into me the way differential equations never could. When presented with a book such as the Bible, filled with literary devices, I cringe. Then there are the intangibles like faith in a God I cannot see or touch, a Spirit who lives in my heart; these are difficult for people like me, people who like the concrete, the predictable, the facts of the matter.

So when faced with a lectionary passage such as Ezekiel 37 for sermon material, I sighed and realized all those literature classes might have been worth something to me after all. Maybe I can look beyond face value of the words and see the message beyond. Maybe I can find the intangible message lurking amongst the words, and maybe, just maybe, I could share what I find with the rest of you in a way that helps you understand too.

To start let’s put the Ezekiel passage we heard earlier in context. This passage depicts not something purported to have actually happened but a vision that Ezekiel had at a time when things were looking mighty bleak, both for Ezekiel himself, and for the nation of Israel of which he was a part. Ezekiel had been reduced from a prominent position of future priest in Jerusalem to that of a temple-less priest in exile. His wife died and God told him not to mourn her passing as an example to the exiled community not to mourn the loss of the Temple. Talk about needing a stiff upper lip! This all happened in the midst of a two year siege by the Babylonians on Jerusalem where many were tortured and died and the remainder were forced to migrate to Babylon.

Just about all hope is gone; death has conquered; oppression rules in the land; and the outcast, the dispossessed, the marginalized sink deeper into their graves. And yet, in the midst of despair, there is a call from God to Ezekiel to see that a promise exists that what was once dead will again breathe life. Not literally, but to see that through the intangible spirit of God that despair and pain can be turned to hope and comfort.

That same Holy Spirit descended into the midst of the disciples on Pentecost. This was a time when, as Ryan shared here last week, there must have been an awful void. Jesus was no longer among them. Their work to carry on his message must have felt like the weight of the world on their shoulders. They very well could have become so discouraged that they allowed themselves to wither and become old dry bones. Then the Spirit came as wind and tongues of fire and turned things around. All who were present felt the Spirit and were renewed by the Spirit into new life, ready to continue the work that Jesus had started.

In the present day, those who exist at the margins of society – because of orientation, ethnicity, gender, ability, or economic status – can become so discouraged that they just want to roll over and die, simply wasting away until they, too, become old dry bones.

To those who are old dry bones, the words Job’s friends shared with him in Job 2:9 often sound like good advice, “Curse God and die.” Seeing hatred rule through the passage of referendums, propositions, constitutional amendments, and laws that rob humans, all of whom are created in God’s image, of dignity is enough to make one want to give up, to curse God and die. And yet, in the midst of death’s victory and the grave’s sting, we are told that the dry bones can be put back together, can have flesh restored and have new life through God. The Holy Spirit keeps us from falling to the way-side, from wasting away under the burdens of hatred and oppression.

We see the Spirit at work today. Take the It Gets Better project, for example. Countless people have posted video messages on YouTube aimed at breathing new life into those who are being bullied in school, often for their sexual orientation, young people with old dry bones as a result of verbal and sometimes physical battering just because they are “different.”

How many of us are like Doris from the movie? How many of us have felt cheated in life? How many of us have been abused? How many of us haven’t had a fair hand dealt to us? How easy is it for us at those times to want to go crawl into bed, curl up and let ourselves become dry bones? The promise of a new Spirit, new breath, and new possibilities for justice is sometimes all we have to hold on to in an environment in which new laws are passed that continue to rob some of their humanity. Full justice may never get to rule in our lifetime, but the struggle continues, turning our dry bones into pregnant seeds that when buried will produce new life for the struggle to continue.

I close by paraphrasing another quote from Miracle on 34th Street:

Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to. Don't you see? It's not just we who are on trial, it's everything we stand for. It's kindness and joy and love and all the other intangibles of a loving, breathing, still speaking God.

**************************************

So there it is.  A short and sweet sermon, delivered to a smaller than normal crowd thanks to it being delivered on Memorial Day weekend.  I know that some of the things I said will not sit well with some so-called Christians, the ones who seek to exclude rather than include, but it reflects my beliefs and my faith.

I continue to ponder the possibility of a second career as a minister and have received a great deal of encouragement.  Seminary seems more and more appealing, and God does seem to be calling me to something.  Just not sure what yet.  I keep trying to listen.

Seriously?!?

It's been 8 months since i blogged? Seriously??? That is fucked up my friends, totally fucked up. I blame Facebook. I say everything I can say publicly on Facebook, and there just sin't a lot of shit in my life right now that I can't say publicly. I haven't had sex, clandestine or otherwise, in longer than I can remember. I could probably go back in this blog and find it, but it would just depress me. I haven't done anything truly outrageous in a long time. Somehow when I turned 50 I became an old fuddy dud. I kind of accepted that life is ovedr except for the mom part and the caring for W part. W is tough old goat, still hanging in there through one medical thing after another. Right now, he is enjoying his best health in probably 10 years. I'm starting to believe he is immortal... and not in a good way. Emotionally I think my relatonship with W is at an all time low. I don't really care about him one way or another except when he messes with N's head... and he messes with N's head pretty much constantly. I tried to get family therapy, even N was for it, but W refused. Of course her refused. He's right. Everyone else is wrong. I think he knows that by attending therapy that he would have to change, and change is not his best thing. I can't whine about W to the real world. I went back to him after all. I'm stuck. So here I am. Back in the saddle. Sharing my deepest, darkest thoughts again. Hi anybody who hasn't abandoned me long ago

Frustration, So Very Much Frustration

I know it’s weird, but my mom and W are pretty close to the same age. Yes, that’s what marrying someone so much older than yourself brings – a husband and mother in the same peer group. Fun times.

They are both of similar age, and yet one is so much more active than the other. Neither exercises per se. However, one gets up every day to cook and clean and babysit and teach music lessons. The other occasionally does a load of laundry and plays a helluva lotta solitaire on the PC. Guess which one I’d rather have living in my house?

I have just about had it up to here (picture me standing in front of you gesturing with my hand palm down just above my head in the universal “up to here” gesture) with W. Now that he doesn’t drive he has abdicated even more responsibilities than ever before. Now that he can’t drive N to practice or to the library or to a friend’s house or anywhere else, one might be tempted to think he would have more time on his hands so that he might be able to take on a few additional household responsibilities. Not so! As a matter of fact he now must sit around and wait for me to play taxi driver on my off hours to take him where he needs to go. Not that he can’t take the bus. He can. He does. But sometimes that’s just so much less convenient than having your own personal driver who will take you, wait for you, and bring you back all on your own schedule.

It isn’t his health either. Although he had some bad times earlier in the year, an adjustment of meds and some other medical intervention has him back on his feet again, feeling better than he has in a long time.

So what’s his excuse? Well, he does as much as he can he says. He’s very busy he says. Yet N complains that W is always on the ‘puter playing solitaire. TS2 has mentioned how W seems to spend a lot of time playing solitaire on the ‘puter. I’ve noticed W playing lots of solitaire on the ‘puter.



Sigh. . .



The more things change, the more they stay the same.

More Irrational Anger

A third death on top of the first two is just too damned much. This time it is my cousin’s mother-in-law. Now I know that doesn’t sound like a very close relationship to me. However, when we lived in LOH we hung out with my cousin’s family a lot, and his MIL was often around. I got to know her, not terribly well, but well enough to know what a wonderful, caring mother and grandmother she was.

Just a couple of months ago she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. It was fast moving, painful, and debilitating. Nothing could be done but treat the pain and wait. Wait for her to die. Many friends and family came to see her in her last months. My cousin’s family life was thrown into upheaval. It has been a whirlwind.

There are so many things for which I am angry, some big, some small, some petty as hell. Sometimes I think it is just easier to be angry about the petty things than to face the big things. We focus on petty little shit because it doesn’t feel quite as scary as the big stuff. For instance, I am pissed off that due to her death, my cousin will not be able to make a visit to see me and attend an event with me as planned. It’s easy to be angry about that. It’s easy to focus on poor me, and oh we’ll be missing out on all the fun we would have had. It’s harder to focus on the unfairness of ten adolescents and children losing their grandmother who loved them, who loved to watch them as they are growing into fine young adults. That is just too big for me to wrap my head around.

While we’re talking about petty let’s talk about how I feel one death keeps upstaging the last one, like somehow we need to be done grieving grandmother to grieve father and then finish grieving father so we can grieve with and comfort cousin and his family on their loss. I know intellectually that isn’t how it is, and that there’s room for all the grief to coexist, but somehow emotionally it just feels like in order not to become overwhelmed you just have to drop one to move on to the next. Rational? No, but that is the feeling I have.

Truth be told I just want people I care about to stop dying.

And one last thing to get off my chest for right now. I know there is a certain segment of Christianity that rejoices in the death of a loved one because that loved one is now with Jesus. That’s fine if that’s how they want to deal with it for themselves and their loved ones. However, when sending “condolences” to me don’t tell me that I should be rejoicing now that Dad is with Jesus. I am not rejoicing. I will not rejoice at Dad’s death no matter what spin you put on it. Dad may well be with Jesus now and may be in a better place and may be without pain and sorrows, and that’s great for Dad. That’s great for Jesus because I’m sure He’ll enjoy Dad’s company. And it still means I’m left here without my Daddy. And it hurts. And I grieve. And I don’t rejoice at all that God took Dad home to be with Him. I may find some small comfort in knowing those things, but I surely don’t and won’t rejoice. I’ll surely remember, though, who those people are who have told me to rejoice and rest assured I’ll rejoice, maybe even dance on their graves, when they die and go to be with God.

White Hot Anger

Both Pastor and Freud have now made suggestions to me that I write about my feelings either in a journal or in letters to people that will never be mailed. So here I am. My deepest darkest thoughts always go here in my anonymous blog where they are read only by anonymous internet people. Just because my deepest darkest thoughts no longer have to do with infidelity and indiscretion doesn’t mean they are fit for public consumption in the light of day so they seem to be appropriate here.

Grief. One of the stages of grief (and they aren’t linear you know but more like a spiral) is anger, and oh boy do I have a whole lotta anger going on lately. There are very few with whom I am not angry, and my anger gets pointed in many directions. My writings now and at least for a while are going to be my expressions of all the anger I have so that I can work my way through it. It may get ugly. It may not always make sense. It may seem ridiculous. That’s okay. It’s all just me being me and trying to come out the other side a little saner and hopefully a lot less angry.

At the core of the anger is that I hate not being in control. I am a control freak. I like everything just the way I like it. Death very clearly removes any illusions a person may have about being in control. If I were in control I certainly wouldn’t have allowed Dad to die within two months after my grandmother died. That is just not fair. It is not fair at all that just a few weeks after burying her mother my mom had to bury her husband. Life is not fair, and that just pisses me off. I am angry. I know that there is nothing I can do to change the way things are, and that makes me angry. I am angry at the world. I am angry at God.

I am angry at everybody who expects me to just pick up and move on. I got the three day bereavement leave at work, and then I’m expected to be back at it. That’s it. Suck it up buttercup and get your work done. Well, sorry but it doesn’t work out that easily. I’m distracted. My mind wanders. I have moments of overwhelming sadness. I have moments of clarity and focus, but they are fewer and farther between than they need to be for normal functioning. I’m told by those who know – like Pastor and Freud and by others who have lost a parent – that what I’m going through is normal, that I should be easy on myself and not expect myself to be okay yet. Well, sure, but they aren’t my bosses. They aren’t the people that expect me to just keep on keepin’ on.

I am angry at W because he doesn’t cut me any slack either. All of the little things and big things that annoy me are magnified, and it makes me angry, and he doesn’t get it, and he wants me to cut him some slack because he’s grieving. Sorry buddy, but it’s my dad that just died, not yours. You have got to stop expecting me to do everything just like normal and to react just like normal and take care of things just like normal. When the fuck does it ever get to be my turn to be the mess, to need help, to be taken care of? WHEN?

Anger.

It is so overwhelming right now, the one overriding emotion that is swallowing me whole.

Possibly Thinking Too Much

First, I want to say a big thanks to all of you for your condolence messages, here and elsewhere. Hugs, both physical and virtual, have been mighty helpful to me through all of this. No matter the emotional upheaval that can ensue from romantic entanglements (and you know I’ve had plenty of those) it doesn’t come close to losing a parent.

There have been a number of thoughts that have struck me over the last few weeks since Dad’s death, and I am going to share those in this post. I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts later, but these are the ones that hit early on and stayed with me.

I was surprised and somewhat amused at something I learned from Mom on the drive to the funeral. As we passed a jogger, I said what I always say, “Run! Run for your life!” Mom told me that Dad never passed a jogger without saying, “He/she must be being chased by somebody.” I found it interesting that, even though different, we both had standard sayings for the passing of a jogger.

I come from a long line of oh-don’t-bother-yourself-about-me types, and I have come to the conclusion that we are just a bit too much that way after Mom told me that she woke to find Dad dead in the wee hours of the morning but didn’t call anyone (including myself or FU) except the hospice nurse until after 7:00 a.m. which she figured was a decent hour for making and receiving phone calls. Really Mom? You didn’t want to bother anybody? Really? Actually, I can kind of see her not calling me as I’m a few hours away and not able to get there very soon, but FU is a few minutes away. I know he would have wanted to go over and sit with her as she waited for the hospice nurse and the funeral home personnel (or whoever it is that comes for the body). But no. She took care of it all by herself and then started making calls once it was acceptably late in the morning. (Though really, if it isn’t a serious situation don’t call me at 7:00 a.m., okay? Thanks.)

This whole oh-don’t-bother-yourself-about-me thing is something I have been dealing with in my therapy sessions with Freud for several months now. He said to me at one point (jokingly), “I do believe if you went to the ER gushing blood from a severed artery, and some guy came in with a possibly sprained ankle, you’d tell the ER personnel ‘no, no I’ll be fine, take care of him first.’” I replied (only half joking), “Well, of course, I could just tie a tourniquet around my arm and wait my turn. I don’t want to be pushy.” And now? I haven’t been to therapy since August. I screwed up, and didn’t get appointments scheduled ahead of time, and he got all booked up for September so I don’t go back until mid-October. Now, some might think that the death of a close family member would be reason enough to call one’s therapist to see if one could get squeezed in for a session without having to wait another month, but not me. Nope. Even though I feel like it might do me some good to talk with Freud I just don’t want to be a bother to him or his office staff by asking for special favors EVEN THOUGH he has encouraged me to do just that in the past when I’ve been going through rough patches. Part of me keeps saying “CALL! You need to talk to someone about this.” The other part says, “Well, you’ve waited this long so you might as well wait until your next scheduled appointment.” I will say that I did call my pastor the morning Dad died, and I did go spend two hours with her that day pouring out my emotions so it isn’t as though I haven’t had someone to talk to although I felt really bad about taking up so much of her time.

W and N were both real torn up over Dad’s death. N’s reaction didn’t surprise me much. Under his tough young teen veneer is a very emotional core. I know this. When he told me, “This is too hard. I can’t live through this.” I was actually prepared. I told him that I understand it feels that way, but that we can and will get through it, that we’ll always miss Grandpa but the pain will not always feel as sharp and the only thing we can do is allow ourselves to feel the pain in order to work our way through to the other side. W surprised me by telling me that he felt that my dad was more of a dad to him than his own ever was. He said his dad was rarely around and seldom did they ever talk. It was the first time I ever heard him say anything about his family that was less than glowing. It took me aback just how much W has grieved and continues to grieve the loss of my dad. I have spent a good deal of time trying to help both N and W through their grief, so much so that I sometimes wonder when it will be my turn to grieve and receive comfort from them, or W at least. In one of my less than stellar moments recently I even said to W, “You know. He was my dad. It would be nice if I could be the one that can be all broken up about for a while instead of the one who has to go around comforting everybody else all the time.”

My concentration level is down to near nothing since Dad died. Also, insomnia has become my constant companion which I’m sure doesn’t help the concentration level. When I do manage to get to sleep I dream wild, vivid dreams like the one a few nights ago where I was doing water ballet and having to perform my first solo. Strange.

I have more thoughts than time right now so I’ll stop. For now. More later. Maybe.