The Rest of the Weekend

Saturday afternoon/night
After W and I left the mall on Saturday afternoon, my feelings were all over the place. I openly cried in front of W as we drove. I didn't care that he knew how much I wanted J and how hard it was for me to give him up. I had admitted everything to W, except that J and I had had sex (I don't intend for him to ever know that). I had told W of my love for J, that I wanted to be with J. So what if I openly cried about my grief in front of W now? Finally, I pulled myself together.

As we neared home, we decided to get an early dinner at a favorite chinese restaurant. (I didn't cook all weekend. The only times we ate, we ate out. All our energies went into our arguments this weekend with nothing else accomplished.) I actually was able to laugh at the fortune I got in my cookie: "You will be happily surprised by a long time friend." Yeah, right. After dinner, we went home, and I headed to our bedroom for a good cry. W went out to run an errand, and I think I cried myself to sleep and dozed briefly. When he returned, I heard him come into the bedroom. We decided to go to a movie that evening. We chose "Over the Hedge" because we felt we were in the need of some light comedy. I believe the movie was good. I'm not sure. I couldn't pay attention very well. After the movie, we went out for ice cream - chocolate peanut butter for me and black cherry for W just like we always get. Somehow doing all of these things was so normal, so everyday, and yet so surreal at the same time. We went home and fooled around. I tried not to think of J as W touched me and kissed me. After W rolled over and went to sleep, I cried myself to sleep again.

Sunday
I awoke around 6:00, feeling tired and drained. My thoughts, as they often are these days, were with J. I started scheming about how I could get around these new obstacles to having contact with J. Yet I knew I had committed to W that I would end all contact. I struggled with this conflict for a long time. When W awoke, we talked, yet again, about the situation. I told him that I am honestly scared that I won't be able to stay away from J, that I will blow it with regard to our agreement. W was justifiably angry and hurt. I told him that maybe I had better go ahead and move out since I couldn't be as committed to this as I ought to be. Without another word, W got up and went to take a shower. I threw on some clothes, went outside to get the Sunday paper and started looking at ads for apartments for rent. After some time, I went back down to the bedroom. W was sitting on the edge of the bed, half-dressed, with a sad defeated look on his face. For the first time in all of this, W cried. He put his head on my shoulder and bawled for a long time. I asked him if he wanted me out immediately, or if I could stay in the house for a short time until I found an apartment. He said he didn't want me to leave at all, that he loved me like he had never, ever loved anyone else, that he couldn't imagine life without me. Somehow I couldn't leave him. I just couldn't. But I also had to be honest that I do fear that I will succomb to temptation and contact J. W said that as long as I'm honest about it, and tell him about if I do slip up that we will deal with it. So I agreed to stay, again.

We went out for a late brunch. Then we headed over to the mall (no, not the one where I'd met J. One that is closer to home.) just to walk around, just for something for two restless unsure people to do to kill time. I almost wished I had N at home because we feign normalcy better for him than at any other time. We made a few purchases here and there. During brunch and continuing through our walk at the mall, I shared with W some of the negatives about J - negatives that I have ignored and not wanted to look at even by myself, having not even admitted them here in this blog. In spite of J having three college degrees he works as a corrections officer at a maximum security prison and makes about half as much money as I do, and I don't make a large salary. J pays a ton of child support and has the maximum allowed by law garnished from his pay to catch up on arrearages. J filed bankruptcy a few years ago after his divorce from his first wife. J is seeing a counselor because of anger issues which he says he "expresses in a physical way" making me suspect he has perhaps hit his wife though he didn't say so. J makes comments about my weight (something W never does) which is a very sensitive area for me. The more I talked about (and thought about) the negatives, the more I realized that J is not the right person for me. The rose colored glasses finally came off on Sunday afternoon. I began to be more at peace with the decision to stay with W. I truly began to believe that I had made the right decision for me, not just for everyone else.

Monday
Blasted three day weekend just prolonged the pain. W and I argued in the morning over sex, again. Then we made up. We went out for breakfast and then went over to my parents' house to visit with them and pick up N. It was nice to get there and talk about something other than bad marriages, ex-boyfriends and so forth. It was nice to act like a family. It was nice to feel a little more normal.

Not long after we returned home and tucked N into bed, I started to hatch a plan. Along with now feeling that J is not someone I should spend my life with, I now feel freer about being emotionally able to have the no-strings fun that he wants. However, I've now painted myself into a corner with W keeping an eye on me a lot. I schemed, I thought, I figured, I laid awake in bed coming up with an idea.

Today
I shared my idea with J in an email this morning sent not from my personal email address, but from my work email (yes, it's risky).

J,

Well, just a few days after I say good-bye, and I have this whacky, crazy idea that I just have to run by you here. Please think it over before you respond.

BACKGROUND
Of course, I was not happy about having to say good-bye to you Saturday. I was not happy that I had to say good-bye in such a public location, in front of W (yes, he assures me he could see us the entire time even though I never did see where he was except when he walked over to the bookstore, where he bought a book on anger management, by the way). However, in the last couple of days I have come around to truly understanding (not just saying) that this is truly all for the best -- that I let you go, that I maintain an intact home for my son, so on and so forth. Yes, I truly believe it is time for me to stop living in fantasyland and return to reality.

IDEA
I still want to say good-bye to you (at least for the time being because we'll never know about the future until we get there), but I want to say good-bye to you in a different way than I did last Saturday, a more private way. If I remember correctly, you indicated you would be free this Saturday. Although N and I are heading up to basketball camp that day, we don't have to leave until early afternoon. N has a baseball game that morning, and I could make an excuse for not attending. IF you wanted to, you and I could say a final good-bye on Saturday morning. W and N would leave the house by about 9:15 a.m. and wouldn't be back until 11:30 a.m. or later. You and I could have a two hour window of time in which to say good-bye to one another in a very private way at my house. There would be no expense other than what you spend on gas to get here, but obviously it would be a bit inconvenient as you would have to leave fairly early in the morning to get here by 9:30 or so. We wouldn't have to worry about W coming home early since he's committed to those games as an assistant coach, and we could even set the alarm system so we'd know if he did come home for any reason (which he wouldn't, really). You could park at the strip mall close to my house, and I could pick you up there so that your car wouldn't be parked outside my house for nosy neighbors to notice. If you agree to this idea, I'll give you directions on how to get here and all that.

Think it over. Let me know. You can email me here at work or call me here at work. I work 8-5 Mon-Thurs and 8-3 on Fri, but you could leave a voicemail outside of work hours if you couldn't call during the day. Of course, I can't risk you emailing me at my personal email or calling me on my cell phone anymore as W is monitoring that very closely.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Trueself

I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't do it. I know, and I know, and I know, and I can't seem to help myself. I want just one more time with J. (Oh, and then won't you want just one more after that, then one more, then one more?) I know I'm risking a lot by pursuing this. Yet I suppose that I don't feel that the risk is that great. I could lose the marriage. Yes, but that doesn't bother me much as it isn't much of a marriage. I could lose my son. Yes, but would the court really award custody to an elderly, ill father over a middle-aged, healthy mother? I don't think so. At worst, I think I would have shared custody with W. I could put J's marriage at further risk. Yes, but that is more his problem than it is mine. I have never thought that he and T should be together anyway. So I guess I'm saying that the risks are worth it. I don't know if you would call this progress, but at least I'm no longer approaching life like a lovesick puppy. Now, I'm more in the out-to-get-what-I-can-while-I-can selfish mode. Am I proud of myself, of my behavior? Not at all. W asked me at one point this weekend what I would do if he did to me what I've done to him. I told him I'd boot him out and am surprised he hasn't done the same. He says he won't because he loves me too much. I think that's part of why I continue on now. I feel like even if I get caught he'll still want me to stay. Pretty much makes me a selfish bitch, albeit a guiltridden one.