Friday, November 09, 2007


In real life I have been quite withdrawn lately. I’ve felt myself hunker down, avoid others, try to avoid interactions. It is not lost on me that during this same period of time I have been thinking, a lot, and writing, a lot.

I recognized last night just how absent I’ve been when on a message board I frequent a post appeared entitled “Where’s [TS]?” My first reaction was that I was surprised anyone noticed my absence. My second reaction was to not post a response because somehow I’m not ready to be back in the world.

So now I’m trying to figure out why I’ve withdrawn and what it is that is preventing me from reaching back out into the world.

This post may grow as the day progresses, as new thoughts on this topic pop into my head. For now, though, this is it. I’m just starting to ponder and haven’t a clue yet what is behind all this.
Noon Update:
Part of it is just pure introversion. If I’m out and about, interacting with people, it will eventually wear me down. I will feel the need to retreat and revive myself before the next foray into the world. I certainly have been a lot more social this fall than I normally am, particularly with the bi group activities as well as meeting some members individually to socialize. Not to mention taking up with K. Then there’s my involvement with N’s soccer team and the PTA at his school, volunteering to work at events requiring interaction with (gasp!) people. All of this has been a lot for a little ‘ole introvert like me.
2:15 P.M. Update:
Another piece is depression and anxiety. I feel like my depression is not really under control as well as it should be. Unfortunately, depression can cause inertia which in turn means little to no action is taken to change things. Somehow it is easier to spiral downward than to claw my way upward. Depression can be debilitating, and even though the medication I take has helped to some extent, there are still things that are difficult that shouldn’t be. Doing everyday things like showering and toweling off seem to be a huge drain on my energy. Reading is difficult because of an inability to concentrate. Somehow I feel bombarded by the simplest little things and want to scream and tell everyone to just leave me alone. I revel in those rare moments when something, anything, engages me enough to allow me to concentrate on the task and complete it. The most troublesome thing about this is that this is very different than how I have been in the past, during the non-depressed times. It used to be that I could become engrossed in a book and read it in a day or two. Anymore I’m lucky to read a page or two at a time. It used to be that I was meticulous about making menus for the week, preparing a grocery list, arranging it in the order of the store, and making one weekly shopping trip. Anymore, I go to the store practically daily, generally without a list and when I have made feeble attempts at making menus I struggled to finish it or follow it. Part of the reason I have withdrawn is that I am uncomfortable with how poorly I am functioning and don’t want to expose my flaws in the real world.


Bunny said...

My depression makes me withdraw also, which just furthers the depression. It's a vicious cycle for me, one I am in battling the very low stage of currently. This is when I tend to do crazy things, which I most certainly did on my recent getaway (but about which I made a promise not to blog). I've been very depressed for a couple days, then realized I missed my "crazy pills" a few days in row. Got my Paxil fix (addicted 12 years now) and I'm perking up already . . .

I hope you perk up soon. {{{TS}}}

freebird said...

So much of what you say here describes how I'm feeling - uncannily so.
As I might have said before, food for another post, but did I get round to it? Nah.
The sheer effort of everything....

I wonder if I'm clinically depressed, but I think I would put it down to just plain grief. I think that what I'm going through is a major trauma in my life, largely borne alone, and sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to get out of this feeling - it's evidently going to take time.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm turning this all around to me but I know that we've been going through lots of similar stuff at similar times, so really I'm just saying that I empathise.

I hope that your recent glint of hope turns into real happiness.

Trueself said...

Bunny - Staying on the meds certainly helps, and I can honestly say that my lows on meds aren't anywhere close to my lows without meds. I think you may be onto something with your post where you mention seasonal affective disorder (SAD). I almost always go through this when the days grow shorter, which perhaps is one reason for my hatred of autumn.

FB - My totally and completely unprofessional opinion is that you are probably experiencing the normal effects of grief. As a longtime depression fighter, I can tell you that my depression is far less dependent on actual circumstances and more on messed up brain chemistry. That doesn't sound like your case from what I know of you.