Breakthrough

Something became clear to me yesterday. It is probably something that has been clear to a lot of people looking from the sidelines, but being in the middle of it has made it difficult for me.

Originally, when I found out that I had this stupid lump in my breast my thought was that if it were cancer it would force me to stay with W. I imagined that I would have no choice but to stay with him so that I would have support, and someone to take care of me, and someone to take care of N. I couldn't see another way and felt that a bad diagnosis would trap me.

Yesterday, that thinking changed. It dawned on me that no matter the diagnosis I don't have to, and don't want to, stay with W. What if the absolute worst case scenario happened? What if I have cancer, have to have chemo? What if, God forbid, I died either from cancer or anything else in the near future? I faced my worst fears and realized that I do not want to be married to W when I die. I do not want to spend my last days and hours with W. I would want to spend those with BJ.

Don't get me wrong. I am not expecting the worst case scenario to play out. I expect that the diagnosis will be something other than cancer, and even if it is cancer that it has been caught early enough to be highly treatable. I do not expect to die anytime soon. On the other hand, you never know. You never ever know when your time on earth will end, and thinking about it that way helped me see things more clearly. I have realized that I need to stop treading water, stop waiting for everything to be perfect, and move on with my life. I need to be with the one I love. I need to be able to speak with BJ whenever I want or need him. I need to visit BJ whenever he and I want. I need to be honest with W to the extent that I need to let him know that I want to be free of this marriage, that the love is no longer there.