Thursday, November 15, 2007

Right and Wrong

It’s hard to explain. Life seems wrong without BJ in it, and very right with him in it. It is a feeling that goes far beyond that ecstatic euphoria of the early days of lust and desire. The high wears off. It always does, but here’s where my relationship with BJ is different. Once the high wore off, there were still very strong feelings there, a connection between us that is incredibly strong. We are kindred spirits in so many ways.

Some have pointed out a certain immaturity in BJ, and don’t think for a minute I don’t see that and recognize it. What you don’t see are his efforts to grow, his efforts to move beyond the insecurity that leads to the pity parties and whiney outbursts. I see those efforts. I applaud those efforts. What I see in BJ is a man who has struggled, and continues to struggle, with many of the same issues I’ve had, and continue to have, in my life. We have both been considered oddballs as we were growing up. We both can be deferential to a point that is detrimental, and we both struggle with issues of self-esteem. The thing is, though, we understand each other. We understand things that others without these issues could not. What I think we must both guard against is allowing ourselves to get mired in those issues. Instead we must work together on these issues and support each other as only another with a deep understanding of the issue can.

We have discussed going to couples counseling together, even before we ever marry or even live together to strengthen our relationship, to make sure we have the correct communication skills and are using them, to help us overcome some deeply ingrained behaviors left over from the atmospheres in which we were raised. BJ and I very much want this to work, and we are both committed to doing what it takes to make it work.

We have discussed the ins and outs of a plan that will bring us together, as a couple, in the same location, within a couple of years. We both recognize the importance of taking things at a reasonable pace even when there are times when each of us gets antsy. We’ve discussed how unreasonable it would be for either of us to expect us to be able to be together instantaneously. We are on the same page. We have discussed the children, both his and mine, and the impact on them. The impact will be different since his children are older, almost out on their own, while N is still in grade school. However, that isn’t to say that the impact will be less on BJ’s children. I don’t believe it will be less, just different. We are working towards introducing each other into our children’s lives later on, but not for some time yet. Let them all adjust to the divorces first before inserting another person into their lives.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, can top how comfortable we are together. Things feel right when we are together. It feels right for us to be together whether we’re at home, or shopping, or out to eat, or whatever we’re doing. It just all feels very very right. If we don’t rush things and let things progress slowly, I think things will work out well for all of us – BJ, his two kids, me and N.

Damn, this sounds almost rational. Who’d a thunk I was capable of such things?


BJ said...

Sounds great to me! I don't disagree with anything said here at all. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Bunny said...

I hope this does work out for all of you, even W.

Serenity said...

It does sound rational, but you did leave W out of that last sentence, and the old devil's advocate has to say.. respect him... which doesn't mean stay with him, just means acknowledge his existence. You're talking about integrating BJ into your life, but you need to dis-integrate W and the marriage first, and that is a tougher longer row to hoe than you may even imagine.
I'm such a party pooper, and a nag. Sorry about that, I'm raining on your parade.

Trueself said...

BJ - Thank you darling.

Bunny - I do too.

Serenity - Ah, my ever present devil's advocate. You have definitely given me food for thought.

Val said...

I'm relieved to hear that your breast is fine (!!!) -- damn, they told ME to come squeeze my R one again in 6 mos!
Wish me luck, I'm meeting P at my alma mater for a weekend CE seminar; hopefully also be able to revive/refresh/renew our relationship. (I packed a game he bought me for my B/D -- ahem, that was 9 mos ago! -- which I have not had the enthusiasm to unwrap...but I don't want anyone to accuse me of not having game!)